Hard limits not respected

[yak]

Hi all,  just wondering if anyone else has had a hard limit which their partner has struggled to understand?

My current play partner/Dom is very good but he keeps joking about using one of my hard limits as a punishment. I have asked him to stop and he said he would but he can't seem to help it.  I have explained why its a hard limit and he keeps saying he understands and would never make me do it. But then brings it up again because he "forgets"  and uses it as a threat "jokingly"

It is something that might seem trivial to anyone else but not to me. 

I just don't know where to go with it now.

[ey****]

there are people who just don't understand limits or see them as a challenge.

one thing you could do by extension is put a line down that even joking about breaking your limits is a limit to you - and that if he cannot respect that simple limit then it is now showing that he can be trusted.

This isn't trivial. This is important. 

I'd like to hope he's ultimately a good guy not getting it - but please, show/tell him my response and any others that there are ultimately lines for a reason.

[Deleted Member]

There is no reason to keep bringing up a hard limit.

Yak, it's your limit and that should be the end of it. Clearly it's making you uncomfortable or you would not be asking for advice here.

Take eyemblacksheep's advice. Trust is everything in D/s

[Deleted Member]

Just tell him it stops or it's over. Using something that had been talked about and recognised as a hard limit to cause distress is our of order .

[Charlie39]

10 hours ago, yak said:

Hi all,  just wondering if anyone else has had a hard limit which their partner has struggled to understand?

My current play partner/Dom is very good but he keeps joking about using one of my hard limits as a punishment. I have asked him to stop and he said he would but he can't seem to help it.  I have explained why its a hard limit and he keeps saying he understands and would never make me do it. But then brings it up again because he "forgets"  and uses it as a threat "jokingly"

It is something that might seem trivial to anyone else but not to me. 

I just don't know where to go with it now.

Sorry, you dont know me but i have been tbrough this from his side a few yrs ago. After a very rough road, due to this topic, i realized its just as simple as people want what they cant have. Sounds xumb, but its so true. I promise you he does not think about this at all. You should test my theory and create some new limit and watch what happens😚

[northern_dom]

Yak like has been said before by others, your limits are your limits. For what ever reason you have them he must respect that. Think of it like this. You draw the outline of the picture. He can colour in the picture how he sees fit but must never cross the lines that you set out initially. He must respect you and your limits. Using a hard limit as a punishment is never acceptable.

[DominatrixSheba]

Find a new Dom/me xxx

[Mi****]

I would say this dom needs a reality check. I suggest you that if he uses your hard limits as a threat to you again you walk away and make sure he understands you are serious about this. Hard limits are hard for a reason and no one should use them as a threat, not even jokingly

[BigPolly]

Threatening you with something when you have made it very clear that it is not acceptable to you is simply abuse! And to threaten ‘jokingly’ is the worse kind of abuse! If your play partner was serious about being a Dom then he wouldn’t behave like this as this kind of behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated by anyone else. He is taking advantage of your submission & he is going to ruin your bdsm journey if you allow him to carry on. Having a hard limit isn’t difficult to understand, he’s behaving like a dick!

[yak]

Thank you for all your replies  I think he is a good guy . But it is possible that he does just want what he can't have, it does seem that whatever else I am willing to offer it won' be enough until I cross that line . Walking away is hard as it has taken years of knowing this person to build up the trust to play in the first place so  I'm emotionally invested but also aware that he would be hard to replace. I think I need to talk again about the damage he is doing. Maybe find the courage to show him this thread .

[BigPolly]

1 hour ago, yak said:

it does seem that whatever else I am willing to offer it won' be enough until I cross that line . 

This line says it all. We are only treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. 

I’m not sure why you would think it would be hard to replace someone who is not respecting you however I understand that you feel close to him emotionally so that makes things difficult. He is putting his needs before yours & that is never a great basis for trust. 

You need to be strong because without your gift of submission he couldn’t be your Dom so talk, then talk some more & then talk even more. Make things very clear & tell him what is & isn’t acceptable. Good luck x

[ey****]

I'm gonna extend the benefit of doubt that he's a good person; just getting limits wrong.

There's a lot of... jumble... sometimes.  You'll sometimes see a would be Dominant who is like "I will push your boundaries and test your limits" as a default position - and that's unhealthy; but often sometimes copied from someone who has talked about exploring and pushing limits. Which CAN be OK if consensual.

I've broken limits but the scope is that this wasn't an expected default; just something that happened when the time was right - but - limits should not be seen as a challenge and for some the 'right time' will be never.

So, again wanting to give the benefit of the doubt - it is possible that some of the wrong ideas are picked up on - which is why I feel it's important to circle healthier diatribe.   

[Mo****]

If he's already your Dom then I assume you trust him so that should render the threats essentially "harmless". Since it's causing you discomfort and unease he should back off and try harder to not "forget" when he's "joking".

[yak]

Bigpolly it is hard to replace a Dom where I am,  they are definitely rare. Especially ones that would put up with me. (I'm really hard work).  But you are right I need to be stronger.

Eyemblacksheep He definitely has permission to push me out of my comfort zone and he does seem some stuff as a challenge for sure . But this is a clear  hard limit which I have thoroughly and painfully explained on more than one occasion. He just really doesn't seem to take it that seriously I guess.

Motsmunches I do trust him,  but he has let me down in a big way a couple of times ( although it was possibly my fault) and I just can't be 100% sure. Just joking about it is almost a trInger for me . So its hard, because I know I'm possibly over reacting.. but can' help it. 

 

[ey****]

I don't think you're overreacting

the ideal end point here is pretty simple - him to stop joking about areas you're not comfortable in.   

[yak]

Absolutely,  thank you x this has really helped me.

I need to put my foot down a bit harder I think.

[BigPolly]

1 hour ago, yak said:

I need to put my foot down a bit harder I think.

If he does it again put your food down really hard....right where it hurts hehehe 😁x

[Charlie39]

7 hours ago, yak said:

Absolutely,  thank you x this has really helped me.

I need to put my foot down a bit harder I think.

Talking miew about this topic will probably help. Can i ask, what is this limit?

[yak]

Hi Charlie,  I think talking more does help. I'm pleased to have found this website. I would rather not disclose publicly at the moment x

[Charlie39]

I understand. People are quick to remove this guy, but i dont think you should. Remember what i said about my experience. He is driven to this because people always want what they cant get, to some degree or another

3 hours ago, yak said:

Hi Charlie,  I think talking more does help. I'm pleased to have found this website. I would rather not disclose publicly at the moment x

 

[VictoriaBlisse]

It might help to set out the limit in a way that makes it obvious that it really is a very, very important matter. 

Something like 

 

"X activity and mentioning/joking about x activity are a hard limit because they act as a trigger for me. If you cross this line it will have Y consequence." 

And you decide the consequence - ending the relationship for example. 

Because you deserve to have your limits respected. 

[KCurious]

I hope you find what’s best for you , all the best ☘️ 

I have been in your places a few times but some were harder than others. To the point I choose to peacefully end the relationship. 

 

That is just my thoughts. However I wish you be more happier and you are enjoying this kinky relationship. 

I’m not that pro in this dynamic but if you need a reader , feel free to PM me. 😄

[Mo****]

On 2/6/2019 at 12:14 PM, yak said:

Bigpolly it is hard to replace a Dom where I am,  they are definitely rare. Especially ones that would put up with me. (I'm really hard work).  But you are right I need to be stronger.

Eyemblacksheep He definitely has permission to push me out of my comfort zone and he does seem some stuff as a challenge for sure . But this is a clear  hard limit which I have thoroughly and painfully explained on more than one occasion. He just really doesn't seem to take it that seriously I guess.

Motsmunches I do trust him,  but he has let me down in a big way a couple of times ( although it was possibly my fault) and I just can't be 100% sure. Just joking about it is almost a trInger for me . So its hard, because I know I'm possibly over reacting.. but can' help it. 

 

SOs let each other down from time to time; whether it's vanilla or kink. You trust him so the important part is taken care of.  It just sounds like communication is what's lacking.  Take what you've gotten from this thread and  find the courage to have an open and honest conversation about the issue.  His reaction will help you calculate your next move.

[exdebauch]

It may be hard to replace a Dom where you are but that shouldn’t detract from what’s right or wrong for you and what’s happening is trying to force you to cross lines. Your right we all want what we can’t have which is I guess partially  why we’re here but I would always respect lines and boundaries previously agreed and in this case it seems your not comfortable discussing with him so to ridicule is outrageous. Be strong Yak I’m sure you have it in you.

[Deleted Member]

Not sure where you are now with him but few quotes that ring the bell high and strong.

"he is very good but he keeps joking

I think he is a good guy

the damage he is doing

Walking away is hard as it has taken years

But this is a clear  hard limit which I have thoroughly and painfully explained on more than one occasion"

its a toxic relationship, i am not sure how long but you said it's damaging you somehow, not what a D/s should be. You  have let him doing it for too long because he gives you sometime, what you need, and becasue you accept it, he thinks you will never leave him or try to find someone new.

Its too hard you say? he's a good guy but, all this excuses give him to think that you are not so serious about your hard limits. 

Cornwall got a fairly big kinkster pool, maybe you should try another website or go to a munch, there is one in Truro look on fetlife for date. 

I suggest having a break for you to think hard about it and he to give him a lesson.