Should Subs have to ask for aftercare?

[ar****]

You say you have to remind them of the aftercare. Reminding them to me sounds like normal communication and making sure the terms are clear. However, if you keep having to remind them, then IMO either the communication is wrong, or they just don't care about it.

[ge****]

27 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Well, it looks like I'm in the minority because yeah, I do think it's something that we should be asking for if it's something we need. It's something we highlight at the start of whatever type of relationship we're thinking of entering and something thats continually discussed as needs change/the relationship develops and especially if it's been requested and it's not provided.
Aftercare isn't something that just happens. Some people don't need it. Some of us need something very different to others
If you do need it, don't ask for it, the blame does not sit solely with the partner

Agree totally - and the other thing that has been overlooked by most responding here, is that aftercare isn't something that has never been provided, but something that has lessened over time.
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In any relationship, whether it be kink, vanilla or whatever - at the start of a relationship we go all out to please and meet the needs of a partner but over time little things slip and sometimes need a gentle reminder if they're important things to the other person - I see this as being no different from that based on the full OP - so no OP I don't think it's wrong to ask for it, or provide that reminder.
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Explain to him how important it is to you, and how you're feeling about it.
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If he's dismissive of it, then there's a reason for concern for sure, but there's nothing at all wrong with providing reminders or asking for more.

[Deleted Member]

I believe once it has been discussed, you shouldn’t have to remind them of it.
Tbh I doesn’t really matter if it’s a small play or a big play, what matters is how you’ll handle that physically and/or mentally. Aftercare should always be provided in this sense.
He might indeed be emotionally detaching from you and that’s why the sudden lack of aftercare.
Communication should and needs to be present at all times, this the key to all types of relationships.
I do believe you should talk so both of you can share how you’re feeling and what is making you feel that way

[ph****]

Yes, aftercare is important for me. If I have a sub drop during play the dominate provides aftercare plus a couple days later a follow-up check in.

[se****]

This doesn't answer the important question, but just reminding. Doms/Dommes are people. People can be forgetful, or there's misunderstandings. Yes, even long, detailed discussions can have misunderstandings too. He might have thought it was not needed, even if you told him. Don't ask me why, but people can innocently think this way (Airhead).

Edited February 16, 2023 by seonny
Misunderstanding

[typhoon2]

Sounds more like reminding the Dom/Top of your aftercare agreement rather than asking for aftercare. You appear to have negotiated quite properly and their failure to adhere to fulfilling your aftercare requirements is at best unfair and immoral but generally would be considered a red flag. Agreements were made and should be kept, especially when you're *** through subspace, subdrop, etc.

[so****]

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

[ey****]

So... 

There's a few sprinkles of context missing.

But - yep, so you have had a pre-discussion on aftercare, so that's great.  And it had initially been routinely done - that's also great.

So you're finding it's been skipped or not enough recently, especially with shorter play sessions.    I think it would be good to remind the aftercare you still require and this is something that is still required in shorter sessions.

It may be this is something you both have to factor in when planning play - of, is there time for play and full aftercare - or - is it better to just not play at this time.   And if you're not finding time, how can you both make time.

But, yeah, while the Dominant should be proactive in providing aftercare especially as it's been discussed - your want is currently not being met, so, yes, you should remind of this. 

[Al****]

If I had to remind my Dom to give me the aftercare I REQUIRE after every session I would simply have to stop play with that Dom. Aftercare isn’t something optional, and if he stopped doing after months of adhering to it I would question why.

[Deleted Member]

Anything that has been discussed in detail beforehand should be part of the entire session. It's reasonable to expect that, particularly aftercare (in all directions, everyone needs to come back to reality, though obviously the onus is on the top.)

[Ji****]

I feel aftercare should just be a given personally. They should at least offer no matter the length of the session.

[Th****]

I think all of the bases have been covered here. I find myself on the side that is suggesting that you had an agreement that was working fine and it has slipped over time.

I very much hope that you can approach your Dominant for a conversation as equals to restate and confirm your needs and assure that they can be met.

If you have the opportunity to do that you may like to ask your Dominant if they require aftercare in any form as well.

[Deleted Member]

Aftercare should be a given regardless of length or intensity of each session. It works both ways too as it provides emotional support for D and s with regards to subspace and can help should either party feel like they’re going into sub drop or Dom drop.

[sk****]

I always felt like after care was a given

[Deleted Member]

If it's a single meetup I'd say only immediate aftercare should be expected but if you're having regular meetups or are in a relationship aftercare of any kind shouldn't have to be discussed, it shouldn't have to be asked for. A proper Dom will just check on you periodically to see how much aftercare you need and how long to continue care before playing again. It's our responsibility to ensure a sub feels safe and isn't in danger afterwards.

[Pa****]

Absolutely not.
Aftercare is a standard part of the package. How self centered must one be to not take proper care of one's toys?

[th****]

I'd say aftercare should be automatically given, unless specifically stated otherwise by the partner. If they say they are okay, don't want it, etc. Then fine. But it should be expected as a default.

[Deleted Member]

26 minutes ago, Pathof*** said:

Absolutely not.
Aftercare is a standard part of the package. How self centered must one be to not take proper care of one's toys?

I totally agree, it should be an automatic thing after a scene. It is the Dom’s responsibility to take care of their sub, no matter the length of the play. If the Dom doesn’t understand that, then they shouldn’t be a Dom.
If it has already been discussed, I’m assuming at length, then you should be feeling scared if you’re not receiving it. You could get seriously hurt. It shouldn’t have to be discussed, it should just happen.
Talk to your Dom and be very clear about how you feel. I would say that if you fail to revive aftercare again, then that’s the end of whatever relationship you have.

[Mystery-91773]

Yes if they require. Just include in the negotiation process.

[Deleted Member]

I never ask for it

[gl****]

Yes

[3k****]

No, you shoudnt ask everytime if it s already discussed. Sometimes maybe remind your dom but not every time. If you have to do it every time it shows that your dom is not focused on you or your well being. He can have a hard period, so it s understandable but if it persist it shows lack of consideration which is not okay for dom

[ja****]

Yes

[Da****]

I feel the trick here could be less about the conversation and more about you sensing your Dom's view on aftercare. Do you get a sense that your Dom enjoys aftercare / gets pleasure from it/needs it?
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Or could they just be doing it to put a tick in the box to have you maintain your submissiveness? If you can get a sense there, then the options are easier, right?
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Also, and especially if you think they enjoy it, they could just not realise its needed for all sessions, even the short ones. That could be a shorter conversation and a less worrysome one than you might have thought.
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If you think they dont need or enjoy it, and if you want to stay in the dynamic, then use the process (of contracting and review, etc) to discuss it, but don't rediscuss the need, discuss the constant/often missing, especially on short sessions, and put your (consentual) foot down if needed. Or just find a Dom who loves you!

[le****]

After care? Do you care to elaborate