Should Subs have to ask for aftercare?

[Deleted Member]

Aftercare is extremely important and looks different for everyone. If it has been established what that looks like for you and your Dom is neglecting that, you need to have a serious conversation and maybe even refuse play until you do so. Never be nervous to ask for what you need.

[Mi****]

Aftercare is so important....no matter how long the session is. It's a time to check in with each other, make sure both are ok. Play can be very intense and if the correct aftercare is not given, then that's when problems, anxiety etc starts. I'd suggest you take time to talk about this, not after play, but now, maybe even show your Dom this thread ? Wishing you all the best, Misty x

[ma****]

Thursday at 09:30 PM, CopperKnob said:

Well, it looks like I'm in the minority because yeah, I do think it's something that we should be asking for if it's something we need. It's something we highlight at the start of whatever type of relationship we're thinking of entering and something thats continually discussed as needs change/the relationship develops and especially if it's been requested and it's not provided.
Aftercare isn't something that just happens. Some people don't need it. Some of us need something very different to others
If you do need it, don't ask for it, the blame does not sit solely with the partner

The OP said that it's already been discussed before. So if aftercare was agreed to be there, then it's her partner's (Dom's) fault for not providing it. The sub should not continuously remind a Dom that they need aftercare when that has already been discussed and agreed.

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, maryioni said:

The OP said that it's already been discussed before. So if aftercare was agreed to be there, then it's her partner's (Dom's) fault for not providing it. The sub should not continuously remind a Dom that they need aftercare when that has already been discussed and agreed.

The OP also mentions that it's not being received in certain circumstances and it's having a negative impact upon them. So, they have two choices
1. Not to ask/rediscuss and continue to feel as they are
2. To ask/rediscuss and make a decision as to whether they continue in whatever relationship they have with the individual if it's still not received
If something isn't working for one person in a relationship do we just ignore it or do we deal with it through communicating our needs/wants?
Dtypes are not infallible and they certainly aren't responsible for every aspect of a relationship.
They're human beings with other things going on in their lives the same as any of us
It's no different to me asking my ex to put his worn clothes in the linen basket each night rather than on the floor and either reminding him on the odd occassion to do so or living with the fact I'd do it when I saw he hadn't

[BruiseWayne]

On 2/16/2023 at 4:58 PM, gemini_man said:

I do think it's something that we should be asking for if it's something we need.

I think the problem most people in the thread here are having with being so adamant about how the Dom HAS to offer aftercare and is doing something awful and wrong if they don't is they're not understanding that just because they need it that doesn't mean EVERY other sub does or wants it after a scene and it's perfectly reasonable for a Dom/me to assume that's the case unless they've been told otherwise.

 

Personally I see no reason to think that you're not shamelessly basking in the same blissful afterglow of gratified contentment that I am after we've both done something we know gets us all hot n bothered when we're done.

 

But if you know that you're going to be left with lots of frighteningly emotional insecurity afterwards then say something before or after and I promise I won't hesitate to cuddle with you or provide whatever bit of comforting you need when we're done.

 

I'm certainly not a 'bad' or 'fake' Dom simply because I don't offer it to you on my own though.

 

As far as the OP goes, yes the Dom there messed up, but it's not the end of the world. Like Copper said, we're not infallible, and in all likelihood a simple conversation can resolve the issue.

Edited February 18, 2023 by BruiseWayne
words. :P

[ma****]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

The OP also mentions that it's not being received in certain circumstances and it's having a negative impact upon them. So, they have two choices
1. Not to ask/rediscuss and continue to feel as they are
2. To ask/rediscuss and make a decision as to whether they continue in whatever relationship they have with the individual if it's still not received
If something isn't working for one person in a relationship do we just ignore it or do we deal with it through communicating our needs/wants?
Dtypes are not infallible and they certainly aren't responsible for every aspect of a relationship.
They're human beings with other things going on in their lives the same as any of us
It's no different to me asking my ex to put his worn clothes in the linen basket each night rather than on the floor and either reminding him on the odd occassion to do so or living with the fact I'd do it when I saw he hadn't

So if it has a negative impact upon then, the clearly the Dom has to take in consideration that. It does look that the Dom is in the wrong. I won't blame the OP for it. The Dom is not a child anymore. This is the same as setting a rule for the submissive, but the submissive just not following just because. If the Dom can't provide aftercare, maybe he should not be with a submissive who needs it... or he shouldn't be a Dom at all.

[ma****]

1 hour ago, BruiseWayne said:

I think the problem most people in the thread here are having with being so adamant about how the Dom HAS to offer aftercare and is doing something awful and wrong if they don't is they're not understanding that just because they need it that doesn't mean EVERY other sub does or wants it after a scene and it's perfectly reasonable for a Dom/me to assume that's the case unless they've been told otherwise.

 

Personally I see no reason to think that you're not shamelessly basking in the same blissful afterglow of gratified contentment that I am after we've both done something we know gets us all hot n bothered when we're done.

 

But if you know that you're going to be left with lots of frighteningly emotional insecurity afterwards then say something before or after and I promise I won't hesitate to cuddle with you or provide whatever bit of comforting you need when we're done.

 

I'm certainly not a 'bad' or 'fake' Dom simply because I don't offer it to you on my own though.

 

As far as the OP goes, yes the Dom there messed up, but it's not the end of the world. Like Copper said, we're not infallible, and in all likelihood a simple conversation can resolve the issue.

It seems like there have been already a few discussions. How many times do people remind others about how certain things make them feel? It looks like that Dom is completely inconsiderate and doesn't know that he's got responsabilities too.

[Pl****]

I think it's easier for a sub to not think it's a dom's responsibility, because they're not thinking about how it relates to other things. As a dom, you're trying to create trust, and trust is everything. You're asking a person to put themselves in an extremely *** position, with risk involved, and when you immediately stop caring about their well-being after the scene is done, that hardly inspires people to feel safe to do another scene with you. And even if you think it's a sub's responsibility to ask, that doesn't mean a dom doesn't also have responsibility. Just like when you're in the middle of a scene, it's the sub's responsibility to use a safe word, but a dom still have to keep their eyes open. If I think something's wrong, it's still my responsibility to shut things down, whether they use their safe word or not. And it's such a small thing to take the initiative and at least ask. Even if they don't need aftercare, there's no downside and more than enough potential upside that asking, at minimum, seems like a clear best practice. 

[BruiseWayne]

31 minutes ago, maryioni said:

It seems like there have been already a few discussions. How many times do people remind others about how certain things make them feel? It looks like that Dom is completely inconsiderate and doesn't know that he's got responsabilities too.

It doesn't seem like they discussed this particular problem that's developed though. Nobody is perfect. They said it happened during shorter sessions. Perhaps the Dom felt like because it wasn't as intense as something more prolonged aftercare might not have been necessary. Who knows what the issue is. There could be any number of reasons why they're doing this.

 

Still in any case, the sub needs to have a talk with them. If there's a problem in a relationship you're in, D/s or otherwise, and you allow it to go on without expressing your dissatisfaction it's only going to lead you to resent the person after a while because it can feel like they're deliberately disrespecting you when there's a good chance they probably aren't and don't even realize you're upset with them for that specific reason.

 

This is why over-communicating in a D/s dynamic is always the best thing to do. I'd rather have an awkward conversation than risk hurt feelings or crossing a line that's going to be a deal breaker.

 

And TBH it really shouldn't be that big of a deal for her to have to tell him he's not holding up his end of the dynamic in this particular respect.

[CopperKnob]

57 minutes ago, maryioni said:

So if it has a negative impact upon then, the clearly the Dom has to take in consideration that. It does look that the Dom is in the wrong. I won't blame the OP for it. The Dom is not a child anymore. This is the same as setting a rule for the submissive, but the submissive just not following just because. If the Dom can't provide aftercare, maybe he should not be with a submissive who needs it... or he shouldn't be a Dom at all.

No ones apportioned blame here. It's on both parties to address issues.

[CopperKnob]

30 minutes ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

I think it's easier for a sub to not think it's a dom's responsibility, because they're not thinking about how it relates to other things. As a dom, you're trying to create trust, and trust is everything. You're asking a person to put themselves in an extremely *** position, with risk involved, and when you immediately stop caring about their well-being after the scene is done, that hardly inspires people to feel safe to do another scene with you. And even if you think it's a sub's responsibility to ask, that doesn't mean a dom doesn't also have responsibility. Just like when you're in the middle of a scene, it's the sub's responsibility to use a safe word, but a dom still have to keep their eyes open. If I think something's wrong, it's still my responsibility to shut things down, whether they use their safe word or not. And it's such a small thing to take the initiative and at least ask. Even if they don't need aftercare, there's no downside and more than enough potential upside that asking, at minimum, seems like a clear best practice. 

That's quite a sweeping statement.
A sub doesn't think about the vulnerability of the Dom as well as themsleves, the level of risk to either themselves or their partner?
D/s may be a power exchange relationship of varying levels but it starts with equality, both parties have equal reponsibility to themselves and each other regardless of the role taken within that relationship
What I'm saying is, if you aren't getting what you need from a relationship, you do need to speak up and if it's consistent then it's not the right relationship.

[lu****]

Thank you all for your feedback, I tried to have a conversation in safe space twice and was dismissed and he got angry. Tried to have an adult
Conversation didn’t happen. Not feeling safe anymore so I ended the relationship and the dynamic made sure I was clear everything is done . Unfortunately dealing with some backlash from that I having to block him on everything because we’re gonna act like a child and lash out.  he’s also on this app so subs just stay safe out there and always bring back up when ending a dynamic if you feel that that person is not gonna handle it well because there’s been a change in that person that has sent up red flags. Unfortunately, this is why I normally choose not to start relationships or dynamics with people who are unexperienced in the BDSM community but I really did vetted this person for a while and everything was working out great for months.

[lu****]

49 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

That's quite a sweeping statement.
A sub doesn't think about the vulnerability of the Dom as well as themsleves, the level of risk to either themselves or their partner?
D/s may be a power exchange relationship of varying levels but it starts with equality, both parties have equal reponsibility to themselves and each other regardless of the role taken within that relationship
What I'm saying is, if you aren't getting what you need from a relationship, you do need to speak up and if it's consistent then it's not the right relationship.

A couple of times I did try to check in with him if he need it after care and try to have conversations to see if something was wrong or if he was displeased with me. A lot of times I was dismissed. I do acknowledge and know that DOMs also need aftercare. We are in a relationship and a dynamic and someone earlier in these post said maybe they are emotionally detaching them self which I think is what was happening and I try to have conversations with them in a safe place and it did not work out. Unfortunately I had to end the dynamic, after attempting to work things out and figure out what was wrong and being dismissed and being verbally ***d instead of having a adult conversation. I no longer felt that my safety was being considered physically mentally or emotionally so I thought the best course of action for me was sent out and the dynamic, and in the relationship. Which I made sure I was clear that both was ending. But I think everyone for their feedback and just remind everyone both Doms and subs to be safe out there.

[se****]

It was very sweet of you to give us an update. Thank you.😘💖

[Pl****]

7 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

That's quite a sweeping statement.
A sub doesn't think about the vulnerability of the Dom as well as themsleves, the level of risk to either themselves or their partner?

Not what I said in the slightest. They might or might not, but the perspective is different. 

 

 

19 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

What I'm saying is, if you aren't getting what you need from a relationship, you do need to speak up and if it's consistent then it's not the right relationship.

I think we're mostly talking past each other, as the points we're making aren't mutually exclusive in the slightest, but this line shows that we have a somewhat different philosophy in relationships, and maybe that's the source of the matter. I don't think relationships (BDSM or otherwise) work as well when one or more parties aren't taking a proactive approach to making sure the other party's needs are met. To me, if I'm in a relationship with someone and they have to ask me to meet their needs, that's a failure on my part. I always want to ask first. It shows that I make my relationship with them a priority, and that they're important to me, and that I'm not just doing the bare minimum to make things work. I've always appreciated my partners for doing the same. Maybe that's a higher bar than a lot of people have, but I think the results are worth it. By far, all my best relationships have been like that, whether business, personal, or in the bedroom. I have no trouble asking for what I need, but if I'm not getting it and my partner has made zero effort to identify and resolve that, it's already not the right relationship as far as I'm concerned.

[ar****]

@luvbuzzloo Sorry to hear that you're dealing with some backlash from it, but that really proves that you made the right decision. Toxicity and *** has no place in any healthy relationship. Regardless of whether people are in the BDSM community or not.

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

I think we're mostly talking past each other, as the points we're making aren't mutually exclusive in the slightest, but this line shows that we have a somewhat different philosophy in relationships, and maybe that's the source of the matter. I don't think relationships (BDSM or otherwise) work as well when one or more parties aren't taking a proactive approach to making sure the other party's needs are met. To me, if I'm in a relationship with someone and they have to ask me to meet their needs, that's a failure on my part. I always want to ask first. It shows that I make my relationship with them a priority, and that they're important to me, and that I'm not just doing the bare minimum to make things work. I've always appreciated my partners for doing the same. Maybe that's a higher bar than a lot of people have, but I think the results are worth it. By far, all my best relationships have been like that, whether business, personal, or in the bedroom. I have no trouble asking for what I need, but if I'm not getting it and my partner has made zero effort to identify and resolve that, it's already not the right relationship as far as I'm concerned.

Whilst you have no trouble asking for what you need, you aren't expecting your partner to ask which means you're psychic?
Talking about wants and needs is, for me at least, part of the vetting process which is often over quite a prolonged period of time.
I think we'll need to agree to disagree before we derail the OP completely

[Pl****]

18 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Whilst you have no trouble asking for what you need, you aren't expecting your partner to ask which means you're psychic?
Talking about wants and needs is, for me at least, part of the vetting process which is often over quite a prolonged period of time.
I think we'll need to agree to disagree before we derail the OP completely

I do expect my partners to ask about my needs and desires, just like I ask about theirs. No need for psychics. All the same things are still being communicated. I ask them what their needs are and fill them so they don't ever need to ask me to, and vice versa. When someone takes that proactive step, it creates the impression that they value their partner and the relationship and are happy to meet those needs. When someone doesn't, and the other person has to ask for their needs to be met, it feels more like a chore that they aren't really interested in doing.

[BruiseWayne]

@luvbuzzloo TY for the update.

 

Yeah after hearing all this extra info you definitely made the right call here. Seems like you handled the situation very well giving him opportunities to get the message and make yourself heard but unfortunately this guy was just a selfish unethical asshole who happened to have been on his best behavior until he stopped caring about maintaining the facade any more. Regardless of wether or not they were emotionally detaching, treating you or anyone else the way they did was simply NOT okay by any stretch of the imagination. Sorry you had to suffer through all that.

 

Just for the record I don't think anyone was saying that you weren't taking the Dom's feelings and care into consideration either. People were just pointing out that it's a necessity in general because some people have a very unrealistic idea in their head of what a Dom is supposed to be  sometimes.

[se****]

It's another sad ending, but in another post a member pointed out we shouldn't bash... he's bad, she's bad... dump them. We should give benefits of doubt. I am guilty of bashing too.🙈

[ma****]

1 hour ago, seonny said:

It's another sad ending, but in another post a member pointed out we shouldn't bash... he's bad, she's bad... dump them. We should give benefits of doubt. I am guilty of bashing too.🙈

People must definitely speak up. Only in that way, ***rs can be eliminated (and even then, great manipulators might still remain in the community if they have people to support them). People have lost their lives and I'm surprised that we're still advising someone not to "bash" others.

[se****]

@maryioni, of course in things we firmly believe, but we should mention the other sides too. It is to be fair, and the posts not to become one sided. In my thinking, in any posts the OP should see the different sides, then they decide what is best for their individual situations.

Being an airhead at times, I have pushed some men's patience with being a Brat in my relationships. The way I see it, if a Dom wrote a post on my behaviors, alot would probably say "Dump her or she's bad". If the Dom followed the advises, he dumped a relationship that could have been fixed by saying "You are going too far, and it needs to stop".

But you are right in "most" cases they are ***rs or Aholes sadly like the OP experienced,  but we still have to try to be fair.

Edited February 18, 2023 by seonny
Misspellings

[ma****]

Nobody obligate anyone to do anything. Tops choose to be Tops. With this decision, comes obligations. The Top has the obligation of taking care of you. Getting spanked turns your head around. It's totally unacceptable that you have to be nervous about something after session and NEED TO REMIND HIM of his obligation as a Top. For me, aftercare is BDSM 101

[lu****]

Thank you BW

[lu****]

Saturday at 05:58 PM, seonny said:

It's another sad ending, but in another post a member pointed out we shouldn't bash... he's bad, she's bad... dump them. We should give benefits of doubt. I am guilty of bashing too.🙈

Yeah I didn’t put his name on here I just a reminder for everyone to vet and be safe . If your not feeling safe leave the situation.