Should Subs have to ask for aftercare?

[La****]

Thought it was always included with the price of the meal…🫡

[Deleted Member]

Aftercare should not have to be discussed. It is a must in all sessions weather short, long or in between. Aftercare is the most important thing when a Dom inflicts *** on his sub.

[Deleted Member]

My first slave, and I belonged to a local non swingers BDSM group for 5 years. There was a new Dom and his sub. They vame to a play party, and was using the Maltese cross. His sub went into subspace. Instead of helping her down and providing aftercare, he let her hang there and started cleaning he toys. My slave and a couple of others rushed to her and took her down, and provided the aftercare she needed. The Dom was invited to leave, and never come back. Was told that someone would make sure his sub got home later. The sub told my slave and the others, this was a normal thing with him. He never gave her aftercare. Aftercare is the most important part of thos life. Without it, it is just ***. A sub/slave should never have to be subject to anything like that. Weather from a Dom or Domme. If as a Dom or Domme you don't understand this, you need yo be tied and beat into subspace and not given aftercare and see how it feels. Then maybe you will understand and give what is needed.

[Ba****]

I feel like, if it's discussed and agreed apon, no one should ever have to ask for aftercare; Doms and subs alike. It should be a given, no matter how "short" the scene was.

[Sh****]

IMO aftercare is one of many things that should be discussed before anything happens, and it is the responsibility of the Dom to provide it. I believe aftercare should be provided every time and the sub should never have to ask for it. If you are not getting the required aftercare, bring it up with your Dom. If they are worth it they will correct the situation and give you the aftercare you need. If you have a forgetful Dom or they don't care, then they don't have their priorities in order and you should rethink your situation. You need to do what is best for you.

[so****]

Absolutely not they should never have to ask

[Nocturne]

It should be discussed beforehand and happen without the need for a reminder. If a scene is done, my first thought goes to aftercare, it's as important as, if not more important than, the scene itself.

Even if the aftercare looks like giving each other some space, it still needs to be pre-discussed and there needs to be room for the requirements of both/all participants. Needs can change, and clarity is important, you need to know what to expect from aftercare before you even start the scene, that way you can feel secure going in.

I'd want to know exactly what the sub wants and needs before going into a scene. If they benefit from something cold, like an ice pop, to ground themselves, I'd need to know beforehand to make sure they are present so I don't leave them alone, that would go against their needs in many cases after all.

[Xa****]

Different subs have different desires for aftercare, the specific aftercare should be established beforehand and once established should ALWAYS be provided, an occasional reminder about specific things i can understand like washing with cold vs warm water especially if it varies by scene type but the act of aftercare should always be part of the session.

[Deleted Member]

I think aftercare is absolutely essential. For both. Even in a vanilla relationship you wouldn't for example have sex with your partner and then not acknowledge them afterwards in a loving way... D/s relationships are a lot more intense than this depending on what you're doing in scene but aftercare plays a huge roll in ones mental health and should not be a option but a must

[li****]

A true Dom will never make you ask for something he knows you need regarding mental health and self esteem. After care, especially after rather “intense “ sessions is NECESSARY AND REQUIRED BECAUSE IT IS A CRUCIAL PART OF THE DOMS ROLE!!!
If they can’t do that for you then you need to find someone who will. Because believe me, someone will.

[Mi****]

After care is essential. Both Dom and sub need aftercare.. it's a necessary part of the dynamic/bond... feelings are all over the place after playing, and aftercare will help with that. It should be part of each and every session. It should never HAVE to be asked for... if one feels it NECESSARY to ask when you've made it clear it's part of your needs, I recommend finding someone new.. there are plenty out there that will MAKE SURE their sub is taken care of PROPERLY.

[Mi****]

Absolutely non negotiable. It is an essential part of the dynamic/bond. Part of the trust resides in aftercare.. feeling safe... there are a lot of feelings after playing and aftercare helps with that. FOR BOTH DOM AND SUB. If one feels they have to ask for it, I recommend finding someone new... as ***ful as it may be.. there are plenty out there who will take care of their sub properly.

[Deleted Member]

On 2/16/2023 at 4:49 PM, luvbuzzloo said:

So this has been something that recently popped up in my mind due to recent events. I’m in a dynamic we have our expectations boundaries ,rules, aftercare has been discussed etc. take note again the expectation of aftercare has been discussed, and has been in use for a while now ,but I’ve noticed something that has occurred a couple times with shorter Play sessions . Recently, I’ve noticed a lack of effort in the aftercare or I have to remind my dominant of the after care I require. Since this is something that we have already discussed and we were already in the practice of ,I don’t feel I have to remind them of the expectations of aftercare. Now recently, I have also felt nervous ? Anxious? Not sure of the word I’m really looking for here and I don’t know why, but I felt nervous to have to remind or ask for after care that require. I know I really just need to have a conversation because it could just be my sub drop and me getting in my head. But I would like some feedback from other subs and Dominants. Is it our (the subs)responsibility to ask for aftercare , with every session ? Even after it’s already been discussed and practiced for several months?

Wow, I am sorry to hear this, you must be feeling a bit shitty about it. Obviously without knowing you both and a proper background it's hard to comment on or judge your dynamics, but in my eyes aftercare is an essential and non negotiable part of the game, specially after a particularly rough session. No,  you shouldn't have to ask for it  unless this has been established as a normal part of your dynamics, ie you are expected to beg for everything. But this doesn't appear to be the case for you as you say you are feeling nervous. If he is a good Dom he shouldn't make you feel nervous no matter what you are doing to each other, it's showing you are not feeling safe and a Dom's job is to make his Sub feel safe in his hands. Explain to him what you are feeling, he might have just got too comfortable. Dom/ sub play can be extremely dehumanizing and the aftercare makes us feel human again, I don't think you should have to go without or beg for something so basic. Good luck xx

[Deleted Member]

Nope that is all part of it as far as I'm concerned

[x2****]

No

[co****]

Common sense: If there's no recipricol conviviality and empathy for one another, in general (where there's cause for it) , then allotted "care time" should tell anyone that there's cause for concern.

[br****]

Should never need to ask. It’s essential

[x2****]

F**k no. It should be part of who you are as dom.

[Deleted Member]

Nope. Is part of balance and should ALWAYS be automatic.

[Ee****]

I'm a newbie submissive & just entered into a M+M DOM/sub relationship & dont know but can somebody tell me what is "aftercare."

[Deleted Member]

Aftercare is, very simply, the time you and your partner take after play time to recover and also to see to each other’s emotional and physical needs. Certain role plays and kinky acts can be both physically and psychologically taxing, so this time is a great for relaxing, as well as getting ‘back to reality.’ grabbed that online , hope that answers Ees question.

[Dy****]

If it's been previously discussed than that's what it is...if this continues to be a problem you could always make a contract

[Va****]

February 18, luvbuzzloo said:

Thank you all for your feedback, I tried to have a conversation in safe space twice and was dismissed and he got angry. Tried to have an adult
Conversation didn’t happen. Not feeling safe anymore so I ended the relationship and the dynamic made sure I was clear everything is done . Unfortunately dealing with some backlash from that I having to block him on everything because we’re gonna act like a child and lash out.  he’s also on this app so subs just stay safe out there and always bring back up when ending a dynamic if you feel that that person is not gonna handle it well because there’s been a change in that person that has sent up red flags. Unfortunately, this is why I normally choose not to start relationships or dynamics with people who are unexperienced in the BDSM community but I really did vetted this person for a while and everything was working out great for months.

As soon as you said “not safe”, all my alters screamed out for you to go - in harmony.

[da****]

Aftercare shouldn't be questioned. Subs take care of the Dom by doing exactly what they want by pleasing them the least Doms can do is show there appreciation and the care they have for the subs by giving them a little attention and providing aftercare.

[MasterDarcy1979]

It depends.

I've known submissives who need extensive aftercare and I've known submissives who don't want aftercare as they see the lack of aftercare as an extention of the BDSM.

It really depends on the nuances of the dynamic.

If the dynamic has a pre-planned aftercare (it sounds like yours does) then you shouldn't be required to ask.

I think your Dom is being a tad irresponsible and negligence by ignoring your desire for aftercare.