Should Subs have to ask for aftercare?

[lu****]

So this has been something that recently popped up in my mind due to recent events. I’m in a dynamic we have our expectations boundaries ,rules, aftercare has been discussed etc. take note again the expectation of aftercare has been discussed, and has been in use for a while now ,but I’ve noticed something that has occurred a couple times with shorter Play sessions . Recently, I’ve noticed a lack of effort in the aftercare or I have to remind my dominant of the after care I require. Since this is something that we have already discussed and we were already in the practice of ,I don’t feel I have to remind them of the expectations of aftercare. Now recently, I have also felt nervous ? Anxious? Not sure of the word I’m really looking for here and I don’t know why, but I felt nervous to have to remind or ask for after care that require. I know I really just need to have a conversation because it could just be my sub drop and me getting in my head. But I would like some feedback from other subs and Dominants. Is it our (the subs)responsibility to ask for aftercare , with every session ? Even after it’s already been discussed and practiced for several months?

[Shadow_Hunter75]

No you shouldn’t have to ask for aftercare, any decent Dom would automatically do it, if your Dom isn’t even trying or taking your feelings into consideration even after you have talked then obviously he is not that bothered about you

[Tt****]

No, I don't believe so. I think a Dom should always offer aftercare, even in short sessions.

[Shadow_Hunter75]

No not in the slightest, aftercare should be a given should not have to ask for it regardless of length of the session,

if your not getting the aftercare then I you may need to look of your just being treated as a object to fulfil his needs and wants and not take yours into consideration

[Tt****]

2 minutes ago, TtimSsharp said:

No, I don't believe so. I think a Dom should always offer aftercare, even in short sessions.

Sorry, I hit send before finishing. I would say that maybe if your Dom is offering it in larger sessions, maybe you should have a conversation about wanting for shorter ones too as maybe they feel like they are being a pest by bringing it up? Any good Dom/domme would be happy to hear you express that though as it helps them to keep you safe by offering it more. If it something which you have discussed and it still doesn't happen, there may be a point where you should consider the dynamic/ relationship as it sounds risky

[Pl****]

There are exceptions to this, but in general, I think dominants should either provide aftercare regardless or ask if subs need it and provide it then. The responsibility is theirs because it means more when a sub doesn't have to ask. It's part of making sure the sub understands they're in a safe space, and avoids the very discontent you're experiencing. At the very least, a dom should always ask if it's needed, and your situation obviously doesn't carry any exceptions to that.

The only times I can think of where the sub might have to ask is if they've established a habit of not wanting aftercare with someone, or they require special aftercare needs above and beyond the usual level.

[al****]

That should be decided in the very beginning and if they don’t give you that respect every time then you need a new partner. To me it’s the same as respecting limits and rules. If that’s something you require (as you should) then they should 100% respect that and you shouldn’t have to ask for it every time.

[da****]

Sub here: couple questions
1. Where your needs clearly stated ie: I need cuddles, water and chocolate? Or was it an open ended expectation of aftercare without description?
2. What exactly do you mean by lack of effort?
As for your anxiety I would figure out the root cause and then determine if it’s a me/you/we problem.
Once I answered those questions myself I would ask for a “kitchen table” talk and then discuss everything.
Please keep in mind every relationship and person is different. What works for me may not work for you.

[Deleted Member]

This seems like a very reasonable expectation, nevertheless, I can see how it can be overlooked by a non-switch Dom who might not fully understand the sub experience, I would encourage you to explain this expectation (not just the aftercare but specifically the expectation to not need to remind your Dom or not need to ask for aftercare every single time) with your Dom, it might be a minor oversight, but of course some people are just awful, if they don't change you should leave them and move on

[SamuelSwitch]

A good and disciplined dominant will do aftercare without the sub asking, it should be part of the fun - I had this recently with a sub and I asked them what aftercare they like (even though I’m not massively experienced myself) and she said she had never been asked before which I felt was poor because subs should feel comfortable and relaxed after a session especially if it involves being rough or impact play. Don’t be afraid to remind your dominant that aftercare is part of the session and if it’s something they neglect, you feel neglected as a submissive.

[ChristySub]

No, aftercare should come as naturally as play especially as it's been pre discussed.

[Deleted Member]

NO !

[He****]

In my opinion, aftercare strengthens the bond between partners as much as play. It’s a D’s way of acknowledging and reassuring a Sub that their vulnerability is accepted and in good hands.. It shouldn’t’ have to be reminded or negotiated.

[ki****]

For me aftercare is something that is so important regardless of how short the play is As a Dom ensuring that when someone is willing to give you their body and trust you in the lifestyle in any play, aftercare shouldn’t ever have to be asked. For me that’s just a natural thing because we have to look after each other Dom or Sub and ensure our mental well being is being taken care of

[Deviant_Ric]

My personal view is you shouldn’t need to ask, but that is reflective of my own behaviour and how it fits in any dynamic. It just happens to be vitally important to me, as I benefit from the connectivity of aftercare.

[Deleted Member]

This seems like a very reasonable expectation, have you tried explaining this to your Dom? (Not just the need for aftercare, obviously you mentioned that you explained that, but have you explained that you don't want to remind them or ask for it every time, and how it makes you feel when they forget or don't put much of an effort)

[Deleted Member]

Aftercare should be done no matter what for the sub as well as the dominant.

[to****]

Long story short no you shouldn’t. Every relationship is different and such but if aftercare is truely important to you then your dom should make it a priority. The feeling of being cared for and embraced after a scene re affirms and anxieties or bad feelings

[ch****]

No. Aftercare should always be a thing and only needed to be discussed when the dynamic starts. In my opinion aftercare is like common sense to do at the end of a session for both subs and doms

[Wi****]

Aftercare should be considered part of a play session... It shouldn't have to be asked for. It should just happen. It's part of being a Dom. Taking care of our subs.

[Je****]

It’s always good to set up a safe space to talk to your dom or sub to not only set up basic scenario rules but to revisit those rules and adjust as needed such as aftercare.
That safe space I am referring to does NOT mean having to be in an equal environment like a coffee shop or sitting across a table. My safe space is naked on the floor with my dom sitting in a chair and the heel of her boot resting on my genitals so that our dynamic remains the same.

[deviantdominance]

Personally I always ask submissive’s if they require aftercare if they are experienced and if they are not I would always ask after a scene. If previous experienced submissive’s say yes they require it every time then I’d always give it. I would always give it unless they state otherwise. Feeling nervous etc by asking or reminding your Dom for this aftercare is a normal reaction and emotion to go through, as in my opinion you feel like you are putting on to your Dom. At the end of the day any understanding Dom will accept this and give aftercare regardless

[CopperKnob]

Well, it looks like I'm in the minority because yeah, I do think it's something that we should be asking for if it's something we need. It's something we highlight at the start of whatever type of relationship we're thinking of entering and something thats continually discussed as needs change/the relationship develops and especially if it's been requested and it's not provided.
Aftercare isn't something that just happens. Some people don't need it. Some of us need something very different to others
If you do need it, don't ask for it, the blame does not sit solely with the partner

[Deleted Member]

Speaking from personal experience, I think your Dom is emotionally detaching themselves from you. They might of found someone else and they're putting their emotional effort somewhere else. Unfortunately I do the same thing if I spread myself too thin. It's a natural thing that happens when a monogamous brain tries or does polyamory. We can tell ourselves we're poly, but deep down we might be hardwired to be monogamous. Talk to them about it. If they get a little weird or act a little out of character, you might have your answer.

[ze****]

Never. Aftercare is as essential if not more important than the play. Doms who don't perform aftercare aren't doms, they are ***rs whom take advantage of subs. Real doms are there for you to help you explore and guide you to your happy place.