Been a sub for a few months now, confused on some things

[Wallflower101]

           I’ve been a sub for a few months now, although I’ve always wanted to be dominated and loved the feeling of letting go.   I am a part time submissive, however there’s things that are confusing me that I’m not sure if doms really do.

• There were no rules or expectations as we first started. It’s something that happened along the way
• I told my dom the things I wasn’t comfortable with. We didn’t do anything I wasn’t comfortable with but  then changed his mind and did them. 
• He says he has feelings for me. Is this suppose to happen? 
• Everytime I try to watch a video on BDSM it makes me sick and I can’t continue
• I don’t have a lot of input on what happens 

[ey****]

I feel some of this starts a bit so/so and then there's some concerns I've got as it goes down.

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There were no rules or expectations as we first started. It’s something that happened along the way

in an ideal world this should be set out from the start - but unfortunately, this isn't an ideal world and sometimes things are changeable as you both enter a relationship.  Of course, it is important that as any rules or expectations are introduced that they're a natural progression of your relationship and work in the context.

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I told my dom the things I wasn’t comfortable with. We didn’t do anything I wasn’t comfortable with but  then changed his mind and did them

That's a concern.  There are too many Dominants see limits as a challenge.  And whilst playing outside the comfort zone or around limits can be a good experience and one which expresses submission..... it has to be managed correctly and it sounds like in your case it was not.

Breaking limits should never be a default aim for a Dominant.  Especially not without proper discussion with the submissive.

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He says he has feelings for me. Is this suppose to happen? 

are feelings ever supposed to happen?   The question is whether to clarify these feelings and if it's reciprocal and if you can proceed if it's not.

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Everytime I try to watch a video on BDSM it makes me sick and I can’t continue

that's interesting.  I think don't watch them.... 

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I don’t have a lot of input on what happens 

some people LOVE that concept - but, it's really not for everyone and shouldn't be the Dominant's default aim.   There should be proper discussions around what you like/want and what you wish to explore and steer away from.   The best playtimes are ones you both enjoy.   Playing where the venn diagrams overlap.

[Deleted Member]

Have you done loads of talking with your dom? Get him to explain to you what would happen when you try certain scenes. At the same time, you need to feel very comfortable with your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps you've watched extreme examples, but remember, videos aren't always reality,and the characters are sctors. If you try things with your dom, you must insist on safe words. If he doesn't abide by your hard limits, he needs ditching. Read some of the magazine articles on this site, for your information. And do ask questions here. There's loads of help available.

[Ra****]

My advise to you is research. There is a lot of information available. Read it because that knowledge is how you can make the best decisions and decide what is the best thing for you. To be honest there isn't a normal here in my opinion. All dynamics are different and they depend on the person. You should read the basics and then do what works for you and your partner...

[Deleted Member]

Hi, 

I'm of the view you should have a say in everything. 

I'm off the view that he shouldn't have done things you didn't want to. 

There are so many nuances in kink... find What's right for you. 

Educate yourself,  know yourself, take your time and you'll be in a much better position to move forward

Good luck

🔥

[Deleted Member]

I want to say - trust yourself. Seek, learn, read, ask....but don’t wait to be told what is right for you. You get to ask for exactly what suits you and say a loving no to anything that isn’t that. ♥️

[Volchara]

I agree with just about everything said here, as you are new to the lifestyle,  learn, learn learn,  not just from what your Dom tells you is right, talk with Dom/Dommes but subs, slaves and just kinksters. 

My big concern is the pushing of limits without consent......that is an issue......even for a Master/slave dynamic.  This lifestyle is about consent first and foremost, on both sides...

Consent like everything else in this world is dependent on negotiated roles, but there should be at the very least an agreed upon "check in" about changes wanted.....and again with consent from both sides.

There are a lot of predators that come into the lifestyle looking for newbies and such.

[Deleted Member]

Limits are limits. Failure to respect limits is ***

[Deleted Member]

There are few serious issues that you need to address pretty quickly. 

First take a break with that Dom. If he didn’t set up a clear dynamic is not experience or is not to be trusted. And when you mentioned he didn’t respect your likes or talk about it before engaged to it, is a form of non consensual. 

Last you don’t feel like you want to carry on doing it and seems like you are some way *** into it?? 

Edited March 23, 2019 by Deleted Member
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