The Mystery of the First Message

[CopperKnob]

(Some) men will have us believe that striking up conversations on Fet is like tracking down Cleopatra's tomb. They'll use it as an excuse for sending obscene messages and wonder why they don't receive a response before hitting up the forums full of innocence and naivety.

It's not an excuse and it isn't the rocket science you seem to think it is.

A while back I got a message simply commenting about something I posted in the forum. That conversation, it turns out, has lasted the best part of a year simply because of the authenticity.

Receiving a message from an inauthentic person is like walking into a room full of cockroaches. Every word feels infested. Every sentence a sense of entitlement. You can't quite tell what's invading the place, but you can spot the roach from the corner of your eye. Insecure brashness has a powerful scent. I prefer Marc Jacobs, Daisy.

When I connect with people on the site, it's not because of their Doctorates or biceps.
No pair of biceps every loved me, no six pack was ever comfortable to sleep on. These are not attributes which form any sort of lasting connection. The good messages are from people who are busy walking their dogs through the fields or just going about their everyday lives trying to better themselves. They have interests in things other than kink, are willing to share them with you and ask about your own.

You might feel awkward and I'll probably say a few awkward things in response, but if you wanted an elegant swan, you should have skipped past my profile because, whilst they're pretty to look at, this isn't where they hang out.

This is probably why a lot of people don't respond to my first messages. That's right. We send first messages too.

If not objectifying me, most of the first messages I receive are about me. They look for common ground because, of course they would. That's the most rational approach. The trouble is that I live with me 24hrs a day, so I don't want you to tell me about me. I'd rather hear about you. The non kink you.

Primarily, I just want to meet authentic people. When they send messages, every word has weight. Every sentence lacks expectation. Insecurity and dishonesty have their own flavour. A liar's first message tastes like a drop of wine in a glass of water. It's so diluted, I'd sooner drink out of a tap.

I'm sure doctorate level discourse impresses many of us, so it all comes down to the kinds of people you want to meet: Those who can quote Socrates or those who like dogs. And ice cream.

As someone with a pretty responsible job, I can assure you I don't want to talk to the well educated able to discuss all things academia or case law. There's a time and a place.

There is no mystery surrounding first messages. Or subsequent ones come to that. Read our profiles. Talk to us about commonality. Ask relevant questions. Make us laugh.

[4R****]

AMEN!!!  Although women can be just as bad.

[CH****]

Excellent presentation

[CopperKnob]

8 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

AMEN!!!  Although women can be just as bad.

I've seen 🤦‍♀️

[Ta****]

9 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

AMEN!!!  Although women can be just as bad.

Are you just saying that because you are one of the guys that send obscene messages and this post hit too close to home for you? As long as I’ve been on here I’ve never received an obscene message from a woman. Even if I did, I’m not going to be upset about it. Instead of just saying “women can be just as bad”, why not just read and understand what she is saying. No reason for a negative comment about how she feels.

[CopperKnob]

1 minute ago, Taboofun21 said:

Are you just saying that because you are one of the guys that send obscene messages and this post hit too close to home for you? As long as I’ve been on here I’ve never received an obscene message from a woman. Even if I did, I’m not going to be upset about it. Instead of just saying “women can be just as bad”, why not just read and understand what she is saying. No reason for a negative comment about how she feels.

No 😂😂 you've got the wrong end of the stick. 4RCH isn't one of the offenders of sending obscene messages

[un****]

good lord knows i’m not perfect still trying to figure it out but as long as you’re yourself it gets better eventually and you find your footing i still haven’t quite found mine but who knows how long that’ll take i’m still trying to figure myself out anyways but just take it a step at a time it gets better

[Deleted Member]

Absolutely! It is something that some people seem to put no thought into whatsoever and conversely for some it is so terrifying they overthink it and cannot bring themselves to do it at all.
I think that some simple rules to observe are "Would you walk up to that person in public and say that to them?". If not you probably shouldn't be saying it.
Don't say anything unless you have something honest to say. It is unlikely that you will make a connection with someone unless you genuinely have something to say that is relevant to you and them.
And thirdly, it is awkeward but it is important to remember that if you feel awkeward and nervous it is normal!

[Lucalus]

There is vibing in text form as well, although more limited than a conversation. That means that no two messages are going to hit the same way, and even if it’s the same person work from day to day.

Your version of ‘authentic’ could be totally different than other women’s. The commonality, I would guess, between all women’s experience here is the volume and severity of initial contacts.

Some people might view this message as stuffy ‘mansplaining’ and delete me immediately, others might enjoy the commentary, and if you don’t know anymore about a person than what their rear end looks like, there is no way of knowing

[NowIAmTheMaster]

The number of women I've struck up conversations with on here who've had at least one horror story about dick pics or message content is... literally every single woman. It sincerely makes me wonder if the guys doing it are actually into BDSM, or have abusive personalities and think people into kink are easy and will let their shit slide.

[tw****]

100% this!!! Louder for the people in the back please 📣📣

[ge****]

And that's the mistake many make when using sites like this - they get blinded by the "Sex Site" banner hanging over the door and lose all sense of "normal" discourse and think it's all about sex (and I'm including kink under the broad umbrella of "sex" here) - rather than seeing that, yes it's a site dealing with adult pursuits such as sex, but that doesn't mean all the normal facets of interacting and getting to know each other go out the window - things like respect, consideration, build up and more.
.
In over 6 years of using sites like this I've met a healthy number of people and not all sexually, but the one constant has been that none of them have sprung from a conversation that starts with anything in the slightest bit sexual - they may have headed there once a connection and chemistry have been established but not before.
.
I've had conversations on here about everything from musicals to house renovations and built some lovely connections with people I both like and respect and it's actually rare conversations head in a sexual direction - not because I wouldn't be averse to doing so if it felt right, but because I don't see the need to take it there certainly not straight away.

[CopperKnob]

13 minutes ago, Lucalus said:

There is vibing in text form as well, although more limited than a conversation. That means that no two messages are going to hit the same way, and even if it’s the same person work from day to day.

Your version of ‘authentic’ could be totally different than other women’s. The commonality, I would guess, between all women’s experience here is the volume and severity of initial contacts.

Some people might view this message as stuffy ‘mansplaining’ and delete me immediately, others might enjoy the commentary, and if you don’t know anymore about a person than what their rear end looks like, there is no way of knowing

Being authenthic in the sense of the OP = be yourself.
By commonality I mean, if you see something in someone's profile that's relevant to you, highlight it and discuss in the message you're sending.
If you know no more than what someone's backside looks like, why would you even send a message?

[CopperKnob]

11 minutes ago, twinkle40 said:

100% this!!! Louder for the people in the back please 📣📣

My face is read from shouting

[CopperKnob]

5 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

And that's the mistake many make when using sites like this - they get blinded by the "Sex Site" banner hanging over the door and lose all sense of "normal" discourse and think it's all about sex (and I'm including kink under the broad umbrella of "sex" here) - rather than seeing that, yes it's a site dealing with adult pursuits such as sex, but that doesn't mean all the normal facets of interacting and getting to know each other go out the window - things like respect, consideration, build up and more.
.
In over 6 years of using sites like this I've met a healthy number of people and not all sexually, but the one constant has been that none of them have sprung from a conversation that starts with anything in the slightest bit sexual - they may have headed there once a connection and chemistry have been established but not before.
.
I've had conversations on here about everything from musicals to house renovations and built some lovely connections with people I both like and respect and it's actually rare conversations head in a sexual direction - not because I wouldn't be averse to doing so if it felt right, but because I don't see the need to take it there certainly not straight away.

I'm tearing that ***y banner down!
Watched Chicago last night. Never gets old

[4R****]

22 minutes ago, Taboofun21 said:

Are you just saying that because you are one of the guys that send obscene messages and this post hit too close to home for you? As long as I’ve been on here I’ve never received an obscene message from a woman. Even if I did, I’m not going to be upset about it. Instead of just saying “women can be just as bad”, why not just read and understand what she is saying. No reason for a negative comment about how she feels.

No not at all. But before you make any further allegations, if you check my profile you will see that I’m one of the Fetish team. You might want to consider the site community standards before commenting further!

[Fa****]

Ooh I watched a fab TikTok about this today (and yes I’m too old for TikTok but tough I still love it)

[Fa****]

Also, I’m reading the popcorn for all those who come to whine or argue. I may even find the violins

[4R****]

1 minute ago, FatefulDestiny said:

and yes I’m too old for TikTok

You're younger than me...... I feel attacked!  
You're never too old for TikTok!

[Quiltykitten]

1 minute ago, 4RCH said:

You're younger than me...... I feel attacked!  
You're never too old for TikTok!

Own it Sir… I have had to bring you rather up to speed on a number of topics 😝

[gl****]

7 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

No not at all. But before you make any further allegations, if you check my profile you will see that I’m one of the Fetish team. You might want to consider the site community standards before commenting further!

I love it when Karma bites 😂🤣

[Quiltykitten]

It baffles me how over complicated so many people make it. Whilst the ubiquitous d1ck pic is primarily what I encounter, I’ve seen femme presenting people behave appalling towards others in person and via messages. It’s the undercurrent of entitlement as if they are doing you a favour that makes me feel ick.

[CopperKnob]

1 minute ago, Quiltykitten said:

It baffles me how over complicated so many people make it. Whilst the ubiquitous d1ck pic is primarily what I encounter, I’ve seen femme presenting people behave appalling towards others in person and via messages. It’s the undercurrent of entitlement as if they are doing you a favour that makes me feel ick.

The photo comments I've seen recently by (some) femmes have been absolutely atrocious

[CopperKnob]

9 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Ooh I watched a fab TikTok about this today (and yes I’m too old for TikTok but tough I still love it)

What is this Tik Tok you speak of? 😂

[InNeedofLove]

I must have reached out to 30 or so ladies on Fet, 1 ended up in a conversation where Fet blocked her, and then 1 special one that resulted in a weekend of pure bliss… all my starting messages are proper greetings and asking how they are doing or if they are busy or a nice non-rude comment on a point in their profile or pics…

The rest ended up in dead end no responses, and its starting to feel like a “nice guys finish last” situation…

My weekend partner (in her own words) called me the Unicorn of the app as we get along really well and still speak every day,, but why wont others just get past the initial hallo and at least be the slight bit responsive…

(Granted I need more info on my profile, so dont hammer me on that just yet, but that didn’t stop me from making a serious connection)