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TFTB or experienced Sub?


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MorganEverett
Posted

Viewpoint from a fairly soft, online only dom. 

I think anyone has the right to say what they are willing to do, what they may consider doing, what they will not do, and then for those things to change as time develops. I don't think anyone should really want to go into a D/s dynamic with the intention of making someone uncomfortable (with the exception of if that is the submissive's kink and they want to be made to feel uncomfortable).
When conversing with women on this site, I would always want to know what they are hoping to get out of conversation and online exchange. Often this has involved guiding people through some new ideas and experiences, and sometimes this involves encouraging them to try to push a little out of their comfort zone. But I have absolutely no interest or desire to make anyone uncomfortable/unhappy, and would much prefer to hear if anything I am suggesting or doing is having that effect. I also have no issue with hearing suggestions from a sub if there are things I can do to improve the dynamic; it's unlikely to fundamentally disagree with the things I am wanting to do, and it's important for both parties to be having fun.
The nature of the online dynamic is simple that if I were to push a girl too far then the conversation comes to an end. I have no power to compel someone to do what they don't want to do, so it is healthier to just hear outright that that is not an option rather than waste time asking and annoying the other person. Yes I want to order a girl to do something that I find sexy. Sometimes that involves telling a girl to edge herself and deny her from cumming, or something similarly teasing, that plays up the power exchange between the two of us. If the submissive is perhaps a little unhappy that they don't want to get what they hoped for, but the commanding nature is appealing to other desires, then to me that is both participants appropriately playing to the roles. If I find out that the sub doesn't enjoy this at all, what is the point in me suggesting it? I'd certainly rather be told, and I can then try something different. 
It certainly won't help to be too egotistical about the approaches I take and feel that just because I'm in the dominant role, the way I do it is the way it should be. I'd want to know what things I'm doing well, and what things I can do better. What choices are appreciated, and which would be preferable to avoid in the future. I've learnt a new term from this thread in Topping from the bottom, but I certainly don't think that stating what works for you really counts as this, and even if it does does that make it a negative thing?

Posted

Limits and safe words are tools to create trust. They aren't the definition of established trust within BDSM, just a couple of good practices. Limits aren't enough on their own because no one can know everything that anyone might want to do in a BDSM relationship. For all the people who say "no pee or poo" on their profile, I bet many of them also don't want to play (even safely) with ***. Safe words only protect trust to push a normal boundary of autonomy and agency that the person wants to be pushed, e.g. ***. But there are things you could do that should instantly end a relationship. Like giving a Dom authority over personal finance decisions (with shared accounts and everything) doesn't mean he can mortgage the house for a crazy business idea. The real rule is to establish and maintain trust. In both of these cases, the general rule usually helps to establish trust, but we see ways to bypass those rules if someone is manipulative or abusive. You could reasonably feel like a sub giving too much or the wrong kind of input is tftb, but the line shouldn't be drawn at limits and safewords.

Posted
I absolutely define my limits and set my boundaries, my dislikes are valid and anyone who thinks otherwise is insane in my opinion and can kick rocks with open toe sandals.
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