Molly's BDSM Tips | What are Hard and Soft Limits?

This week, a new Fetish member asks our resident BDSM advice columnist Molly, for help on explaining hard and soft limits - and if it's ever acceptable to push boundaries.

Dear Molly,
I am fairly new to kink and thinking about entering into a new D/s relationship with someone, but was wondering if you can give some advice on BDSM boundaries in Dom sub relationships. Are hard limits like lines definitely not to be crossed? How do they differ from soft limits, and is it ever acceptable to push someone's boundaries?
Curious J

Dear Curious J,
Great question. I'm so glad that you're doing research so you can better understand what these terms mean. However, my biggest piece of advice when exploring a potential D/s relationship is always to make sure you ask the other person what these terms mean to them, because peoples definitions, or how they apply them to their relationships, can vary. So understanding what they mean to both of you can help you to agree on your BDSM limits.

What are hard limits?

Hard limits are precisely that, limits that are not open to being explored or broken in any way. Hard limits are things that you do not want to do for whatever reason. When entering into a D/s relationship, it's essential to think through what these things might be and to think outside the box so that you cover as all sorts of things. Common items that seem to appear on many people's hard limits list are things like:

No ***
No being drugged or taking illegal hard ***
No paedophilia
Not being made to do anything illegal

Many of the above might seem obvious or very extreme, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't state them implicitly. Do not assume that just because you would never want to (or even think about) doing something, that someone else would feel the same. You want to be able to share your core principles and beliefs with the other person as you're potentially offering them huge control over your life. Other things on my hard limits list:

No ***
No cutting my hair
Nothing to do with eyes (no asking me to wear contact lenses)
No *** feeding or denial of food
No permanent marking or scaring without prior conversation
No face slapping

This list has changed over the years, which is something to be aware of. You're absolutely allowed to change your list - which means adding as well as taking things off. Everyone evolves and discovers new things, and that's part of the joy of a kinky relationship - that you get to learn about what turns you on. For example, when I first started, my list said 'no permanent marking', but as time passed, I've wanted both a tattoo and a branding, so my list has been adapted to be something 'we would talk about'. Also, face slapping was not on my hard limits list, but experiencing it made me realise just how much I hate it, so it was included.

What are soft limits?

Soft limits are things that you're not sure about, and what that means differs from person to person. Generally, they're a list of things that either you have never done and might be interested in, or have done but are not sure if you enjoyed them or not.

Soft limits can also be things that you're not that keen on but would do if someone made you or to please someone else. An example for me would be licking feet. It's not something I enjoy or have any real desire to do, but if it was something my partner was hugely into then maybe, possibly I might do it.

Soft limits are far more fluid than hard limits and are likely to change the more experience you get. In the beginning, there were many things on my soft limits list such as needle play, cutting and *** play. This was because I had no idea that they would turn me on, but as I gained more experience and we explored those boundaries, I discovered that they were really hot for me and are now very much part of my kinks.

Likewise, you'll also discover things that are not for you and may even move things from your soft limits list to your hard limits list. In my case, face slapping is an example of that.

Not knowing if you like something or not is a legitimate position to take on any kink, and for me, those things mainly ended up on my soft limit list. Not because I didn't want to try them but because I had no idea about them, so I was willing to explore them slowly, but they were not things I wanted to start out with.

Exploring your BDSM boundaries...

Hard limits are not meant to be broken or pushed. Anyone who doesn't respect your hard limits should be seen as a huge red flag and be treated with extreme caution. Likewise, any Dominant who says you're not allowed limits isn't someone that I would ever trust with my submission. Everyone has limits, regardless of what people claim, if they don't, they're dangerous.

Potentially, soft limits can be explored, but I would expect a good Dominant not to start there, but spend time getting to know you. At most, exploring those things with you verbally before ever actually attempting to introduce them.

Do Doms have limits?

Absolutely, yes they do - and should have them. However, because of the power dynamic of D/s relationships, their limits might be something that they only share with you as and when they arise - or in a less formal fashion - but it's definitely a conversation that should take place between you and any potential Dominant in your life.

Talk about your hard and soft limits

It's vital that first you have some idea of what your boundaries are. But most important of all, the person you're thinking of getting into a relationship with, is open to talking about them and respecting what you want. This is a conversation that should happen again and again throughout your relationship as you both learn and grow together. Boundaries and limits need to be respected. They're subjects that should be constantly revisited and discussed because they can and will change.

Good luck!
Molly x

For tips and advice, contact Molly via her Fetish profile or visit her thread in the BDSM Forum.