Playing with Power | How to Spot a Fake Dom

Intimacy educator, sex coach and author Stella Harris tackles the issue of dealing with 'wannabe' or fake Dominants online - and gives her advice on how to spot them.

In one thread on Fetish.com, a member lamented the difficulty of meeting people online, especially when adding D/s dynamics. They said, "Just because I'm looking for a Dom, does not mean I am looking to be disrespected." Their experience is worth digging into.

Taking precautions

Any time you're meeting new people, you need to take some precautions and have a bit of your guard up. It's easy to tip too far in either direction and have interactions that range from unsuccessful to dangerous. It's a tricky balance because you need to figure out how to be open enough to get to know someone and give them a chance while also keeping yourself safe.

While this is true for life in general and certainly for online dating, it can pose some particular challenges when you add kink to the mix. For one thing, when you share any subgroup with someone, it's tempting to give them the benefit of the doubt. Especially when the group you share is one that the mainstream stigmatises, there's this feeling that we're in this together.

Unfortunately, no one gets a pass just because they're kinky too. I fall into the same trap when I'm in kink spaces of wanting to feel that everyone is "my people." But in reality, kink, BDSM and fetish communities are just made up of people — and the same percentage of people are problematic anywhere you go.

Understanding people's motivations

It's worth noting that the riskier the thing you want to do — whether physically or emotionally — the more vetting you need to do around safety, and that includes the other person's motivations for wanting to engage in their kinks.

While Dom/sub dynamics might seem run-of-the-mill to people who've been around kink spaces for a while, the fact remains that playing with power requires as much training as rope bondage, impact play, or any other BDSM activity. But it's not always treated that way.

It's easy to get online and start bossing people around. But that's not D/s; neither is it kink - that's just being a jerk. The problem is that a fake Dom (or bad behaviour in general) can often hide in plain sight in kink spaces, whether online or at venues or events.

The only thing dividing many kinks from *** is consent and negotiation. But from the outside, it's often impossible to know what negotiation is in place. You just see the behaviour. Especially with some D/s play that can be visible, we can forget that these dynamics must be as communicated in advance as any other aspect of a scene or relationship.

Playing with power requires training, but it's not always treated that way.

What to watch out for with fake Doms

When you're deciding who to engage with online, especially if you're going to engage in any D/s dynamics, there are a few things you can look out for.

The biggest red flag, in my opinion, is when a fake Dom brings you into their dynamic without asking. If they start talking to you like you're their submissive, giving orders, or making demands before any negotiation is in place - turn away. The same goes for a wannabe or fake Dom who expects you to call them by any honorific or title before you've negotiated those roles. Imagine how it would go if someone at a party just walked up to a stranger and hit them with a paddle — most of us would agree that's ***, and they'd get booted from the venue. That interaction would be nonconsensual. So why should we let it fly for someone to engage in their power play (online or offline) when it hasn't been agreed?
Some fake Dominants will also be impatient and try to skip to the subject of sex very early in the conversation, whether pushing for cybersex or wanting to play on the first date - they don't try to get to know you first, and it is something to be aware of.
Before engaging in power dynamics, ask the same vetting question you would for any other kind of play and get references. Find out what someone's experience is, what training they've had, and how they plan to keep you safe. Honest Doms will always be happy for you to check their references and experience. And ensure these negotiations and conversations are made as equals, outside of any dynamic.

If something feels off, it probably is. Remember, it's only a power exchange if both people have power. If a fake Dom treats you like they own you from the first message, there's no exchange there; they're merely talking. So trust your gut.

Stella Harris writes for a variety of sexy and kinky websites, as well as having written and published erotic fiction.