While BDSM is fun, it’s essential to ensure it's safe and consensual. Getting kinky can be boundary-pushing, but it can also be a risky physical activity that can lead to abuse. Author and educator M. Christian weighs up the BDSM vs abuse dynamic and gives red flags to watch. 

 

Recognizing abuse in BDSM relationships is key. There are an abundance of articles, online tutorials, and in-person classes that explore BDSM vs abuse. Such materials explain the difference between safe BDSM play and unhealthy dynamics that can lead to psychological and physical distress. Unfortunately, learning to prevent bruises and injuries is often more straightforward than safeguarding against emotional abuse.


Education, communication, and establishing an equal power dynamic are very important. There's no need to be scared of BDSM; being aware of potential hard and soft limits, as well as emotional risks, will guarantee that safe BDSM play is practiced at all times. 

 

BDSM vs abuse 

For many, BDSM play – particularly dynamics that involve domination and submission – can act as a manifestation of an erotic fantasy or intense desire within. This is all good, of course, but it’s critical to never lose sight of the fact that it's a fantasy. The dynamic is something that can’t, or shouldn’t, necessarily exist in the 'real' world.
 

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In a situation where the fantasy spills over into reality, it can be hard to distinguish where BDSM ends and abuse begins. For example, a Dominant may hold their submissive to an unrealistic level of absolute obedience: forgetting in their enthusiasm that they are playing with a person and not an imaginary, idealized character.


But BDSM abuse can work in both directions, too. A submissive may be coerced, or convince themselves, that because they’re supposed to be totally subservient to their Dominant, that they should act in accordance with their every command. Even when it causes the submissive physical or emotional discomfort.

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BDSM vs abuse: make sure you know the difference

 

True, there are some kinksters out there for whom this is a comfortable situation to push their boundaries. For many, though, recognizing abuse in BDSM is paramount to emotional and physical well-being. It’s vital to touch base often and check-in to see how every player is feeling to avoid the scene going too far.

 

“In a situation where the fantasy spills over into reality, it can be hard to distinguish where BDSM ends and abuse begins. For example, a Dominant may hold their submissive to an unrealistic level of absolute obedience.”

 

How someone chooses to stay grounded is a personal choice, but a good idea is to take regular breaks and talk as total and complete equals. This will ensure safe BDSM play and create a framework to discuss what is and isn't working in a dynamic.  


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Another recommendation is to confide in a good non-BDSM friend from outside the community who you can freely talk with. This will keep your perspective in check. Even better would be to find a therapist with some knowledge of how kink relationships work and the emotional risks when BDSM turns into abuse. 

 

Equal communication is essential

Echoing back to “total and complete equals,” a big warning sign that a BDSM scene or relationship has become abusive is when a Dominant refuses to relinquish their hold over a submissive, even when they are communicating outside their play roles.

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BDSM abuse comes in different forms: look for the red flags

 

BDSM abuse comes in many forms, such as a partner refusing to drop out of their role — even for a moment — or making it clear that they still hold emotional control over the situation. Let's say a Dominant says that the submissive they're playing with can call a break or renegotiate the play at any time, but doing so will have some kind of negative impact on the relationship. This may force the submissive back into their role to stay emotionally connected with the Dominant, thereby pushing them into a scene they're uncomfortable with. 

 

“BDSM abuse comes in many forms, such as a partner refusing to drop out of their role – even for a moment – or making it clear that they still have emotion control over the situation.”


Furthermore, abuse in BDSM relationships doesn't always come from the Dominant side. Submissives, too, have the potential to emotionally manipulate a situation and coerce the hand of their Dominant. If they're resistant to breaking a BDSM dynamic, or threaten emotional, physical or self-harm in any way, this is also abusive behavior.

 

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BDSM vs abuse: a few warning signs

Here are a few potential red flags a submissive entering into a BDSM relationship should look out for:

  • If a Dominant refuses to admit when they have made a mistake, especially when it involves emotional or physical safety concerns.
     
  • If a Dominant makes unreasonable demands, such as forcing someone to cut ties with friends and family.
     
  • or to support the Dominant financially (unless the dynamic is an established financial relationship), think twice about continuing the discussion. 


For the Dominants looking to avoid BDSM abuse, if a submissive is reluctant to act independently, demands unrealistic attention, or passive-aggressively states that they can’t function without being controlled, consider this a major red flag. 

 

How to get out of an abusive situation 

So, what to do if you're in a dynamic where BDSM turns into abuse? First, don’t doubt your feelings – if you feel abused, then that's your truth. Act quickly to avoid further ill-treatment and seek out professional help if needed, including mental health experts, law enforcement, or medical services.


Trust your instincts and value yourself as a person, not who you are in a BDSM context. Recognizing abuse in BDSM can be tough, but if you find yourself in a situation where you feel demeaned, manipulated, or abused in a non-consensual way, reach out and get help. 


BDSM should be fun. It can be intense, thrilling, and even life-changing, but it should never equal abuse. Play smart, play aware, and remember that BDSM is always about being safe, sane, and most of all, consensual.  •


M. Christian is a respected author and BDSM educator, having taught classes on everything from polyamory to tit torture for venues such as the SF Citadel, Good Vibrations, Beat Me In St. Louis and many others.
 

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New to BDSM? Head to the forum now to get tips on playing safe and paying smart. 
 

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Image shutterstock/Media Home, shutterstock/noPPonPat
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Rc****

Posted

Lmk
L


Lll
L lol p00
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Zoots

Posted

Online- anyone can put on a show and be whoever they want u to see. Always have to take everything everyone says with a grain of salt and get a lot of info before meeting someone.
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Zoots

Posted

I like to be dominated sometimes. Also enjoy dominating. Not a creep/weirdo. Just trying to connect with people who feel the same way.
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Milastorm

Posted

Being a sub for a while and meeting so many so called "doms", I don't think this topic is covered enough. I wish this article was much longer and entailed much more information. I don't think that "doms" understand when a sub is saying no either through body language or verbally. I think what bothers me the most is when you down out right say no, and explain to them what they are doing is abuse but the sub is the one that gets hurt and majority of the time, the dom gets away with it. I'm explaining the doms abusiveness to point out that subs usually don't come equipped to identify their own feelings(important because doms can alter it to make subs think they should feel a certain way), how to identify abusive behaviors, nor how to defend themselves. I think this is crucial because an abuser will not stop, admit they were wrong, nor change their behavior. So it is our responsibility to learn to take care of ourselves.
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Posted

Great article, a must read for everyone. Abuse comes in many forms and often be disguised as love. Be carful who you trust your energy with.

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Posted

New here anyone in the GW bridge area in NJ?

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Buddy-dj

Posted

Into public humiliation and want to try it please if anyone can help me out
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Posted

Please be made aware that sex offenders are on this site. Be careful, everyone.

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Shananddr

Posted

Very well written. Predators come in all forms. If someone isn’t concerned with your well being or demands any role from you before you even know them.. also a red flag. Incorrect titles I have found can lead to abuse simply from ignorance. If one claims to be a “master”, yet can’t tell you with whom or where they officially trained. They are simply not a master and to then expect certain behaviors from others or more … no. They are simply using titles they heard somewhere and really have no idea what they are doing/requesting. Run.
This isn’t just men. I know men who have been injured very badly putting their trust into a female “domme” who claimed to know what she was doing. It was very sad to ruin an entire lifestyle for someone through malice and ignorance. She should have been prosecuted.
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Posted

Personally, clearly recognising this distinction has allowed me to feel at ease while dominating my partner. At first I felt discomfort at the idea of hurting or humiliating a girl, as I was afraid this would mean that, unconsciously, I'm a misogynistic prick.

However, with experience, I realised that it's just a fun play between two persons who respect each other's needs and desires (even when they get more extreme), and that this doesn't take over my whole daily life.

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EZ****

Posted

Lol 😂 I have ended up being abused before gotta keep ur eyes open
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LanaSub

Posted

Great advice . Coercive control is very difficult to spot sometimes, even when the person considers themselves quite strong and knowledgeable about BDSM.
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ko****

Posted

yeap a lot of guys seem to think being an abusive pos is kink/bdsm. it isnt.
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Posted

This is why I don’t think it can be safely practiced in a casual dynamic. Unless you have known each other for a very long time or made some form of commitment to each other, how can you trust a stranger?

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Pe****

Posted

There are so many people on here that need to read this!

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Lo****

Posted

My recent relationship with my Dom descended into abuse. It was a very gradual process. He was initially very giving, generous and attentive. Slowly over the months, I realised I was getting less and less while still being expected to be obedient to him and do whatever he wanted. If I questioned anything or asked for more, he wouldget upset and sulk. Eventually, the sulks became full-blown, passive-aggressive silences that lasted up to a week. Classic narcissist. 

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Posted

What do I do when my local sex club abused me and has their flock NOT listen to my side at all? Voodoo Leatherworks in Colorado Springs has abused me multiple times, the story about it all is at MyVoodooStory.com

It started off as a minor case of abuse. I was simply going to label one person an asshole, not talk or play with them and be done with it, but also gave them a heads up about it and suggested they could change my mind about such things. I think I was very adult and diplomatic about it. So then they made up that I make fun of sexual assault victims, they "me too"ed me. Also a lie, I never did such a thing. So I started protesting outside the club. Then the owner of the club lied on court paperwork to file a false restraining order against me, which that other asshole lost on Jan 31st, 2021.

So I protest and they all ignore me. I say to them often, listen to victims of abuse unless it's me, or I say unless it's your buddies doing the abuse.

Well, any advice at all?

I really have nothing better to do than to protest randomly at this trashy abusive sex club in Colorado Springs. I was only two protests in when I was set up for two super easy-to-win lawsuits. Suits I have yet to file but will by Fall. I'm still searching for personal injuries.

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Martyn_Wolf

Posted

Yes I agree that a Dom(me) is responsible for the stopping of a scene etc if it causes harm in any form.

It is also the subs responsibility to also stop the scene from continuing via safeword or other methods (if discussed) if they feel it's going to cause harm. A sub as equal power to that of a Dom (perhaps more - after all a sub chooses to give themselves to a Dom, they can easily redact that if necessary) 

In closing both sides are equally responsible. 

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Th****

Posted

On 10/27/2020 at 5:39 PM, MagickalMagenta said:

If a sub(ject) is consenting to an act but said act causes a level of harm beyond what could be said to be sane or healthy, I think the Dom/top has the responsibility to stop.

Totally agree Magenta, excellent point. 

Great article, covering what is a very wide subject, exceptionally lucidly. 

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qu****

Posted

Whilst that's a good idea TammyNatalia I think the amount of safety checks and verifications a site would have to do on therapists it would probably stop them progressing further, not saying that's right,

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Ta****

Posted

I like this article. It mentioned the need for therapists in some situations. I wonder if some therapists should be allowed to advertise on BDSM websites, such as this one....rather than just Dommes?.

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Me****

Posted

Some very important points in this piece.
Educational.
🔓👑🔓

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Posted

I can relate to aspects of this article and think it's an important topic to cover...to discuss and to educate.
I learnt from contrast, from being part of creating a very safe D/s dynamic and then from an unsafe one. In fairness I cannot say I wasn't warned, I just didn't hear and afforded a level of trust to the other that they had not earned. This was an incredibly painful experience emotionally. I look back now and can see my naivety, my deep desire to serve Him, my vulnerability having not long having been separated from my former Dom and a high level of manipulation on his part and I feel sad. I forgive myself, I forgive the situation and I forgive him (forgive him so I can let go and move forward). Please be safe. Please surround yourself with supportive and experienced kinksters where you can. Look to and lean on fet community when you are unsure or have that gut feeling that something isn't right.

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Ma****

Posted

I think there is also a question beyond consent (thankfully the article touches upon it)? If a sub(ject) is consenting to an act but said act causes a level of harm beyond what could be said to be sane or healthy, I think the Dom/top has the responsibility to stop. What can be considered sane or healthy is widely debated. Limits should be agreed upon beforehand at all times and this should be the time to hold a rational discussion about this but even the form of the discussion could be said to be abusive if overly coercive. I think the community seems to play an important role in "regulating" this.

*I think we all need to be held accountable.* I think an M/s dynamic held in a vacuum with no external influences could be a very dangerous thing so I think being in touch with friends/family/community as Dom/sub is probably a good idea.

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qu****

Posted

Should terms such as fantasy and real world be used, many view BDSM as a lifestyle choice, not a fantasy, which by definition is something imagined. As soon as it happens in real life it becomes real life, don't get me wrong abuse in any situation is wrong, but personally found fantasy/real life contradictory,

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Posted

With no consent it's abuse, simple as that.

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Me****

Posted

As I put in my tale about the surgeon.
Sometimes you need to walk away from your fantasies...

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