BDSM Dating: Safety is Sexy

48 minutes ago, LadyL said:

I agree about taking time getting to know someone before meeting to a point, however, I once spent about a year talking to someone online and then some phone calls and kind of fell in love, before meeting, and they still turned out to be quite a different (& problematic) person in reality. 🤷🏼

As much as getting to know someone online can shed some light on who they are (might be) its only when you are face to face that you can truly get a feel for who they are. Its the micro tells that we cant see online that can set the bells ringing.

8 hours ago, SirGreen said:

Sadly, this site has far too many. I introduced someone to this site but had to warn he of the likely outcome. I was proved correct in my warnings.

she started receiving messages the instant her profile showed up. In less than 6 hours she had over 100 messages. It appears this site has men just watching and waiting to pounce on newcomers. Desperate to catch the fresh newbe before they get wise. 
 

in response she stopped using the site. Having spoken with many females on this site, this is the norm. Personally I consider it a red flag when someone can’t control their desperation the move things at a slow rate. Get to know the person first before even thinking about kink. But then I’m really fussy about who I play with.

I agree about taking time getting to know someone before meeting to a point, however, I once spent about a year talking to someone online and then some phone calls and kind of fell in love, before meeting, and they still turned out to be quite a different (& problematic) person in reality. 🤷🏼

9 hours ago, LadyL said:

Recently after a really good start in messages, I agreed to arrange a coffee date in a public place of my choice just to meet and chat. He then tried a few times to manipulate me to let him pick me up and drive me there even after I said definitely not on a first meet (I then noted kidnapping is on his list of interests 🤷🏼)... He also told me out of the blue that during the public meet I *had to* engage in a particular kinky act. When I then cancelled he immediately blocked me.

 

There are some incredibly dodgy people making it unsafe to have fun. 😔

:(((so sad 

1 hour ago, LadyL said:

Recently after a really good start in messages, I agreed to arrange a coffee date in a public place of my choice just to meet and chat. He then tried a few times to manipulate me to let him pick me up and drive me there even after I said definitely not on a first meet (I then noted kidnapping is on his list of interests 🤷🏼)... He also told me out of the blue that during the public meet I *had to* engage in a particular kinky act. When I then cancelled he immediately blocked me.

 

There are some incredibly dodgy people making it unsafe to have fun. 😔

Sadly, this site has far too many. I introduced someone to this site but had to warn he of the likely outcome. I was proved correct in my warnings.

she started receiving messages the instant her profile showed up. In less than 6 hours she had over 100 messages. It appears this site has men just watching and waiting to pounce on newcomers. Desperate to catch the fresh newbe before they get wise. 
 

in response she stopped using the site. Having spoken with many females on this site, this is the norm. Personally I consider it a red flag when someone can’t control their desperation the move things at a slow rate. Get to know the person first before even thinking about kink. But then I’m really fussy about who I play with.

Recently after a really good start in messages, I agreed to arrange a coffee date in a public place of my choice just to meet and chat. He then tried a few times to manipulate me to let him pick me up and drive me there even after I said definitely not on a first meet (I then noted kidnapping is on his list of interests 🤷🏼)... He also told me out of the blue that during the public meet I *had to* engage in a particular kinky act. When I then cancelled he immediately blocked me.

There are some incredibly dodgy people making it unsafe to have fun. 😔

On 8/12/2020 at 6:42 PM, Dreamaway said:

Normally if a relationship has finished for whatever reason, I wouldn't even consider asking for a reference. Likewise, I wouldn't want to be asked to provide a reference for an ex-partner. Very strange way to proceed.

Sometimes the reason is nothing more than they moved too far away to continue the relationship, but I don't think there is anything wrong in asking an ex if they mind being contacted. Its no stranger than asking someone to have a STD check if play is likely to involved sexual play.

Even asking around on the site to see if others have heard of someone is a reasonable thing to do. One would ask around to find out if the trades person is reputable, why not the same for someone who is going to be engaged for something loads more personal? Your going to ask/be asked if there are any medical issues, medication, emotional limits and such, so why be bashful over asking others if this new person is known and safe?

I wouldn't ask an ex for a reference like one would for a job, but I would ask them if they would be willing to speak to a possible new playmate if that said playmate wanted to. If the relationship ended for the right reasons then there shouldn't be any issues. If you split on good terms, they would want you to be happy and safe, vice versa.

Its called due diligence, Finding out if the person you are communicating with is the real deal, involved in the community, is what they claim to be. surly that is better than hoping for the best? There are some on this site that claim to be experienced but that only goes as far as reading loads of books but never put it into practice, they can talk the talk but have never done the walk as it were.

However that just my opinion, and I think it shows openness and transparency to help set the foundations of trust.

On 8/12/2020 at 2:54 PM, Annalou said:

Hello, we have a list of blacklisted words frequently used by scammers that the system removes instantly and flags the post to our team so that we can act quickly with anyone with intentions to scam people. The word 't-r-i-b-u-t-e' is on the list as it is one of the most commonly-used words by scammers, so the word 'cont-r-i-b-u-t-e' is flagged to the system. We're constantly working on improving how our system works, so I will report the issue you're having to our internal team and come up with a solution. Thanks! 

Thank you.

Sexslave

U hi

Normally if a relationship has finished for whatever reason, I wouldn't even consider asking for a reference. Likewise, I wouldn't want to be asked to provide a reference for an ex-partner. Very strange way to proceed.

I think that people just need to trust their instincts and take it at a decent pace like they would in a non-BDSM relationship.

You don't need references or proof that you've dated people into kink before (I certainly wouldn't provide details of those I've dated in the past to a stranger), you just need to be open and honest, and take things easy rather than jumping in with both feet.

If you're not comfortable with something, say no. If they don't respect your no, block them and don't see them again. You don't even owe them an explanation.

1 hour ago, SirGreen said:

Edit my last post. Why does this site have so many bugs? "COND". Its not a hard word.

Hello, we have a list of blacklisted words frequently used by scammers that the system removes instantly and flags the post to our team so that we can act quickly with anyone with intentions to scam people. The word 't-r-i-b-u-t-e' is on the list as it is one of the most commonly-used words by scammers, so the word 'cont-r-i-b-u-t-e' is flagged to the system. We're constantly working on improving how our system works, so I will report the issue you're having to our internal team and come up with a solution. Thanks! 

Edit my last post. Why does this site have so many bugs? "COND". Its not a hard word.

I personally would ask for references from any play partner. If they say they have been in the lifestyle a long time, that shouldn't be too hard to do.

I would question a Dom who says they have experience but cant or wont give names of people they know be it in person as friends only or their sub. If they don't have a sub "why not?". Mostly, you can learn a lot from how people conduct themselves on sites like this. How much they cond and what they have said in comments and posts.

Part of the problem is laws are updated and while this is understandable and probably needed this lifestyle is ignored, perhaps the answer is for the people that make these laws should spend time on community sites like this or even arrange to attend some munches to make them better aware

Consent, trust and honest communication.

@manchester619 an hour after signing up?

https://www.fetish.com/topic/15537-there-is-no-rush/

I agree, Time is the secret and Patience of course. It is an intimate relationship, be it 24/7 Or casual nsa.

Patience. Remember a BDSM relationship does not start from the first message. Don't be fooled into or manipulated into instantly submitting or playing. Never be afraid to ask questions and bide your time.