We take lots of risks in our BDSM relationships, but BDSM dating still needs to be safe dating! Of course, this starts with consent, but how else can you keep your kink safe and sexy all at the same time? Victoria Blisse explains why Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is so very important for all BDSM practitioners. 
 

BDSM safety: Consent, Consent, Consent!

I'm not going to apologize for mentioning consent several times over in this article. It is the most crucial thing in any relationship but is especially so in any BDSM relationship. Consent isn’t just a onetime thing; it's not 'sign and contract, and that's that.' Consent should be active. Every time you interact within a scene at home or a BDSM club, consent should be checked. 
 

Meeting for the first time 

Meeting a kinkster for the first time can be fun and nerve-wracking. Remember to meet up in a public space, which could be neutral vanilla territories like a coffee shop or a kink event such as a munch. Make sure someone knows where you are and who you're with. They can check in with you to make sure everything is going okay, and if it's not, they can be your excuse to leave! 

Of course, it is your decision, but I would refrain from indulging in any kink play on the first date. It's crucial to build up trust first. Having the first date kink-free lifts off any pressure or expectation for all people involved. 
 

BDSM safety every time 

Just because your partner/s wanted to do one thing the last time you were on a date, don't assume they want it this time. Check-in before you do anything - this doesn't have to spoil the surprise! I know it's fun to get or give a hit out of the blue, but consent is essential. Ask if the sub is okay, in theory, with that at the beginning of a meeting. They'll have no idea when you hit them, what with or if you will, but you've got consent. That's the significant bit. 

Unless it's in your agreement to only indulge in kink play when you meet, be sure to indulge in a little polite conversation first. Your partner/s aren't just a recipient for your kink. They are a person too. Be sure to treat them as such (unless they are a chair that day, then treat them as a chair, that's what they want) as that is a crucial part of keeping safe. 

 

Mental, emotional and physical BDSM safety

It's crucial to address physical safety, but it is just as important to look after your partner/s mental and emotional health, which can be as simple as checking their hard limits/soft limits and keeping to them. It can be as simple as asking, 'are you okay?' now and then. Checking in during play play can be as simple as asking them if they want a hug or providing appropriate aftercare. 

Remember, it's not just about checking for physical hurts and bruises; you need to check your partner is mentally and emotionally happy and is especially important if you use any psychological elements in your play. Mind games can be fun and sexy, but be sure never to do any lasting harm.


Check in during your BDSM play
Remember to check in during play.  Image: Marika Bunny. Flickr Creative Commons. 


Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC)

If you've ever seen a reference to SSC kink, then this is what it means. It's a way of practicing BDSM and ensuring that people are responsibly enjoying kink. Making sure play has minimal risk, everyone is happy with what's happening, and it makes sense. 

Not everyone wants marks and bruises or extreme pain. This three-word tenant is best for those who want to keep risks down to an absolute minimum

 

Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)

If you're into more extreme BDSM practices, hard impact play, blood play, breath play, etc., this is your rule to kink by. RACK is all about being aware of the risks and minimizing the chance of significant injury or death. It makes sense. Being a risk-taker is fine; many people are regardless if they're kinky or not. However, you can't ever wholly ignore safety advice. 

The more extreme an act is, the more critical active consent becomes. Someone may be happy to agree with a particular scene upfront; others may even be okay initially but not partway through. So, if you're the top or the bottom in a scene, be sure to keep checking in all the way through. 

BDSM dating and safe dating go hand-in-hand. Whether you're in a public space or private, your first thoughts should always be about safety. Remember, safety is sexy. Taking care of your partner/s is sexy. Being responsible is sexy.  
 

Victoria Blisse was an erotic author and sex-positive Reverend. She helped shape fetish.com and FET from the very beginning and we're eternally grateful for her passion and creativity. Sadly, she passed away in January 2024. We hope that whenever her articles are read, she'll be honored.


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Si****

Posted

48 minutes ago, LadyL said:

I agree about taking time getting to know someone before meeting to a point, however, I once spent about a year talking to someone online and then some phone calls and kind of fell in love, before meeting, and they still turned out to be quite a different (& problematic) person in reality. 🤷🏼

As much as getting to know someone online can shed some light on who they are (might be) its only when you are face to face that you can truly get a feel for who they are. Its the micro tells that we cant see online that can set the bells ringing.

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Ms_Multifaceted

Posted

8 hours ago, SirGreen said:

Sadly, this site has far too many. I introduced someone to this site but had to warn he of the likely outcome. I was proved correct in my warnings.

she started receiving messages the instant her profile showed up. In less than 6 hours she had over 100 messages. It appears this site has men just watching and waiting to pounce on newcomers. Desperate to catch the fresh newbe before they get wise. 
 

in response she stopped using the site. Having spoken with many females on this site, this is the norm. Personally I consider it a red flag when someone can’t control their desperation the move things at a slow rate. Get to know the person first before even thinking about kink. But then I’m really fussy about who I play with.

I agree about taking time getting to know someone before meeting to a point, however, I once spent about a year talking to someone online and then some phone calls and kind of fell in love, before meeting, and they still turned out to be quite a different (& problematic) person in reality. 🤷🏼

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loveclaws

Posted

9 hours ago, LadyL said:

Recently after a really good start in messages, I agreed to arrange a coffee date in a public place of my choice just to meet and chat. He then tried a few times to manipulate me to let him pick me up and drive me there even after I said definitely not on a first meet (I then noted kidnapping is on his list of interests 🤷🏼)... He also told me out of the blue that during the public meet I *had to* engage in a particular kinky act. When I then cancelled he immediately blocked me.

 

There are some incredibly dodgy people making it unsafe to have fun. 😔

:(((so sad 

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Si****

Posted

1 hour ago, LadyL said:

Recently after a really good start in messages, I agreed to arrange a coffee date in a public place of my choice just to meet and chat. He then tried a few times to manipulate me to let him pick me up and drive me there even after I said definitely not on a first meet (I then noted kidnapping is on his list of interests 🤷🏼)... He also told me out of the blue that during the public meet I *had to* engage in a particular kinky act. When I then cancelled he immediately blocked me.

 

There are some incredibly dodgy people making it unsafe to have fun. 😔

Sadly, this site has far too many. I introduced someone to this site but had to warn he of the likely outcome. I was proved correct in my warnings.

she started receiving messages the instant her profile showed up. In less than 6 hours she had over 100 messages. It appears this site has men just watching and waiting to pounce on newcomers. Desperate to catch the fresh newbe before they get wise. 
 

in response she stopped using the site. Having spoken with many females on this site, this is the norm. Personally I consider it a red flag when someone can’t control their desperation the move things at a slow rate. Get to know the person first before even thinking about kink. But then I’m really fussy about who I play with.

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Ms_Multifaceted

Posted

Recently after a really good start in messages, I agreed to arrange a coffee date in a public place of my choice just to meet and chat. He then tried a few times to manipulate me to let him pick me up and drive me there even after I said definitely not on a first meet (I then noted kidnapping is on his list of interests 🤷🏼)... He also told me out of the blue that during the public meet I *had to* engage in a particular kinky act. When I then cancelled he immediately blocked me.

 

There are some incredibly dodgy people making it unsafe to have fun. 😔

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Si****

Posted

On 8/12/2020 at 6:42 PM, Dreamaway said:

Normally if a relationship has finished for whatever reason, I wouldn't even consider asking for a reference. Likewise, I wouldn't want to be asked to provide a reference for an ex-partner. Very strange way to proceed.

Sometimes the reason is nothing more than they moved too far away to continue the relationship, but I don't think there is anything wrong in asking an ex if they mind being contacted. Its no stranger than asking someone to have a STD check if play is likely to involved sexual play.

Even asking around on the site to see if others have heard of someone is a reasonable thing to do. One would ask around to find out if the trades person is reputable, why not the same for someone who is going to be engaged for something loads more personal? Your going to ask/be asked if there are any medical issues, medication, emotional limits and such, so why be bashful over asking others if this new person is known and safe?

I wouldn't ask an ex for a reference like one would for a job, but I would ask them if they would be willing to speak to a possible new playmate if that said playmate wanted to. If the relationship ended for the right reasons then there shouldn't be any issues. If you split on good terms, they would want you to be happy and safe, vice versa.

Its called due diligence, Finding out if the person you are communicating with is the real deal, involved in the community, is what they claim to be. surly that is better than hoping for the best? There are some on this site that claim to be experienced but that only goes as far as reading loads of books but never put it into practice, they can talk the talk but have never done the walk as it were.

However that just my opinion, and I think it shows openness and transparency to help set the foundations of trust.

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Si****

Posted

On 8/12/2020 at 2:54 PM, Annalou said:

Hello, we have a list of blacklisted words frequently used by scammers that the system removes instantly and flags the post to our team so that we can act quickly with anyone with intentions to scam people. The word 't-r-i-b-u-t-e' is on the list as it is one of the most commonly-used words by scammers, so the word 'cont-r-i-b-u-t-e' is flagged to the system. We're constantly working on improving how our system works, so I will report the issue you're having to our internal team and come up with a solution. Thanks! 

Thank you.

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em****

Posted

Sexslave

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SexSlave4u-8352

Posted

U hi

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Dreamaway

Posted

Normally if a relationship has finished for whatever reason, I wouldn't even consider asking for a reference. Likewise, I wouldn't want to be asked to provide a reference for an ex-partner. Very strange way to proceed.

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Mary_Banastre

Posted

I think that people just need to trust their instincts and take it at a decent pace like they would in a non-BDSM relationship.

You don't need references or proof that you've dated people into kink before (I certainly wouldn't provide details of those I've dated in the past to a stranger), you just need to be open and honest, and take things easy rather than jumping in with both feet.

If you're not comfortable with something, say no. If they don't respect your no, block them and don't see them again. You don't even owe them an explanation.

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Annalou

Posted

1 hour ago, SirGreen said:

Edit my last post. Why does this site have so many bugs? "COND". Its not a hard word.

Hello, we have a list of blacklisted words frequently used by scammers that the system removes instantly and flags the post to our team so that we can act quickly with anyone with intentions to scam people. The word 't-r-i-b-u-t-e' is on the list as it is one of the most commonly-used words by scammers, so the word 'cont-r-i-b-u-t-e' is flagged to the system. We're constantly working on improving how our system works, so I will report the issue you're having to our internal team and come up with a solution. Thanks! 

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Si****

Posted (edited)

Edit my last post. Why does this site have so many bugs? "COND". Its not a hard word.

Edited by SirGreen
and again it wont post what I typed. stupid site

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Si****

Posted (edited)

I personally would ask for references from any play partner. If they say they have been in the lifestyle a long time, that shouldn't be too hard to do.

I would question a Dom who says they have experience but cant or wont give names of people they know be it in person as friends only or their sub. If they don't have a sub "why not?". Mostly, you can learn a lot from how people conduct themselves on sites like this. How much they cond and what they have said in comments and posts.

 

Edited by SirGreen
FFs, Ive typed "contrubuted" twice and it still reads "cond""

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qu****

Posted

Part of the problem is laws are updated and while this is understandable and probably needed this lifestyle is ignored, perhaps the answer is for the people that make these laws should spend time on community sites like this or even arrange to attend some munches to make them better aware

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Wo****

Posted

Consent, trust and honest communication.

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Wo****

Posted

@manchester619 an hour after signing up?

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Posted

https://www.fetish.com/topic/15537-there-is-no-rush/

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Posted

I agree, Time is the secret and Patience of course. It is an intimate relationship, be it 24/7 Or casual nsa.

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Koby

Posted

Patience. Remember a BDSM relationship does not start from the first message. Don't be fooled into or manipulated into instantly submitting or playing. Never be afraid to ask questions and bide your time.

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