BDSM Dating: Safety is Sexy

We take lots of risks in our BDSM relationships, but BDSM dating still needs to be safe dating! Of course, this starts with consent, but how else can you keep your kink safe and sexy all at the same time? Victoria Blisse explains why Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is so very important for all BDSM practitioners.

BDSM safety: Consent, Consent, Consent!

I'm not going to apologize for mentioning consent several times over in this article. It is the most crucial thing in any relationship but is especially so in any BDSM relationship. Consent isn’t just a onetime thing; it's not 'sign and contract, and that's that.' Consent should be active. Every time you interact within a scene at home or a BDSM club, consent should be checked.

Meeting for the first time

Meeting a kinkster for the first time can be fun and nerve-wracking. Remember to meet up in a public space, which could be neutral vanilla territories like a coffee shop or a kink event such as a munch. Make sure someone knows where you are and who you're with. They can check in with you to make sure everything is going okay, and if it's not, they can be your excuse to leave!

Of course, it is your decision, but I would refrain from indulging in any kink play on the first date. It's crucial to build up trust first. Having the first date kink-free lifts off any pressure or expectation for all people involved.

BDSM safety every time

Just because your partner/s wanted to do one thing the last time you were on a date, don't assume they want it this time. Check-in before you do anything - this doesn't have to spoil the surprise! I know it's fun to get or give a hit out of the blue, but consent is essential. Ask if the sub is okay, in theory, with that at the beginning of a meeting. They'll have no idea when you hit them, what with or if you will, but you've got consent. That's the significant bit.

Unless it's in your agreement to only indulge in kink play when you meet, be sure to indulge in a little polite conversation first. Your partner/s aren't just a recipient for your kink. They are a person too. Be sure to treat them as such (unless they are a chair that day, then treat them as a chair, that's what they want) as that is a crucial part of keeping safe.

Mental, emotional and physical BDSM safety

It's crucial to address physical safety, but it is just as important to look after your partner/s mental and emotional health, which can be as simple as checking their hard limits/soft limits and keeping to them. It can be as simple as asking, 'are you okay?' now and then. Checking in during play play can be as simple as asking them if they want a hug or providing appropriate aftercare.

Remember, it's not just about checking for physical hurts and bruises; you need to check your partner is mentally and emotionally happy and is especially important if you use any psychological elements in your play. Mind games can be fun and sexy, but be sure never to do any lasting harm.

Check in during your BDSM play
Remember to check in during play. Image: Marika Bunny. Flickr Creative Commons.

Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC)

If you've ever seen a reference to SSC kink, then this is what it means. It's a way of practicing BDSM and ensuring that people are responsibly enjoying kink. Making sure play has minimal risk, everyone is happy with what's happening, and it makes sense.

Not everyone wants marks and bruises or extreme ***. This three-word tenant is best for those who want to keep risks down to an absolute minimum

Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)

If you're into more extreme BDSM practices, hard impact play, *** play, breath play, etc., this is your rule to kink by. RACK is all about being aware of the risks and minimizing the chance of significant *** or death. It makes sense. Being a risk-taker is fine; many people are regardless if they're kinky or not. However, you can't ever wholly ignore safety advice.

The more extreme an act is, the more critical active consent becomes. Someone may be happy to agree with a particular scene upfront; others may even be okay initially but not partway through. So, if you're the top or the bottom in a scene, be sure to keep checking in all the way through.

BDSM dating and safe dating go hand-in-hand. Whether you're in a public space or private, your first thoughts should always be about safety. Remember, safety is sexy. Taking care of your partner/s is sexy. Being responsible is sexy.

Victoria Blisse was an erotic author and sex-positive Reverend. She helped shape fetish.com and FET from the very beginning and we're eternally grateful for her passion and creativity. Sadly, she passed away in January 2024. We hope that whenever her articles are read, she'll be honored.