What To Do, Dom that Screwed Up?

[Ve****]

By responding, I will assume that you believe a sub has the right and responsibility to take steps to ensure their safety and the sincerity of the Dom. Imagine you are a Dom in a wonderful, fulfilling, ever expanding, and sexually magnificent dynamic who has failed a simple test given by the sub to ensure safety and sincerity. You failed, you know it, you don’t deny it, you feel bad about it and watch your sub leave really not wanting her to go. What do you now, in the days following that event?

[Deleted Member]

Take stock of my life, and ask myself why I am involving myself with people who are supposed to be adults and yet feel the need to "test". They should be able to communicate their feelings and intentions honestly and openly, and if they can't do that they may not be mature enough for any type of interpersonal relationship.

[bi****]

We all make mistakes. You have to accept that and accept where we fall short, and then use that understanding to not do it again. You also should attempt to repair the damage with the other person who was involved, not to get together again but to let them know they helped you become someone better (bad way of putting that, but you get the idea) and then find someone else like any relationship that failed for any reason.

I'm not convinced "tests" are a good thing to do in the first place, but if it mentioned safety then that can be a very different matter. Not being safe is not a good attribute for anyone

[ma****]

Find another sub

[TheBookCollector]

Try and understand where i went wrong, speak to peers and get advice on how to improve my skills. Even if that means goin back to basics.
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In addition speak with the sub in a public envrionment and appologise but also ask why she felt the need to test me and ask why if she had reservations she didnt speak to me and explain those feelings.

[VILKDUJA]

Obviously not knowing exactly what went on, it's difficult to give a comprehensive answer. However, if the safety of the sub was in any way compromised then, in all honesty, some serious reassessment & re-evaluation by the Dom of his actual capabilities, responsibilities & ability & qualification to call himself one is required!!!

[ca****]

IS this referencing a  3 week long dynamic?

I expect both side will be in a state of reflection.....  and then hopefully move on to better / safer places.

[Croaker]

I’ve so little experience. But I would hope the sub would be willing to discuss my mistake with me, so I could learn. I would hope that the sun came to no actual harm

[Nylon-Nellie]

Bigger picture is needed here.

Safety works both ways, doesn't it? Is he a new Dom that doesn't have much experience with his sub? How/why did he fail a simple test? Is a experienced sub 'testing' a new Dom?

As I have said, bigger picture is much needed for a unbiased opinion.

[DarkArts1066]

It is very, very difficult to regain that trust - once it is gone in a dynamic. It does, to some extent, depend on the magnitude of the ‘screw up’.
Things like ignoring a safeword are terminal. Misreading a response or a reaction - maybe not. There may be a lot of talking to do, but that (in a wlatively new dynamic anyway) can be a work around.

I speak with many Doms and subs throughout the course of a day, and one thing that frequently strikes me, is how massively unprepared some Doms can be.

The responsibility is significant. And your sub is your Judge, Jury - and in some cases, Executioner.

I am very fortunate not to have ever had a sub discard me, but maybe that is because I pay ridiculous amounts of attention to detail… and I always put my sub first.

[Ve****]

2 hours ago, callipygian said:

IS this referencing a  3 week long dynamic?

I expect both side will be in a state of reflection.....  and then hopefully move on to better / safer places.

4 months, 3 weeks were monogamous.

[Ve****]

1 hour ago, Croaker said:

I’ve so little experience. But I would hope the sub would be willing to discuss my mistake with me, so I could learn. I would hope that the sun came to no actual harm

The in has made herself available. The Dom
has not. Which is really surprising and disappointing.

[Ve****]

56 minutes ago, DarkArts1066 said:

It is very, very difficult to regain that trust - once it is gone in a dynamic. It does, to some extent, depend on the magnitude of the ‘screw up’.
Things like ignoring a safeword are terminal. Misreading a response or a reaction - maybe not. There may be a lot of talking to do, but that (in a wlatively new dynamic anyway) can be a work around.

I speak with many Doms and subs throughout the course of a day, and one thing that frequently strikes me, is how massively unprepared some Doms can be.

The responsibility is significant. And your sub is your Judge, Jury - and in some cases, Executioner.

I am very fortunate not to have ever had a sub discard me, but maybe that is because I pay ridiculous amounts of attention to detail… and I always put my sub first.

Thank you for your perspective.

[Matttster]

I agree with Nylon-Nellie, more information is needed.

In part it will depend upon the people; everyone is different and react different. We all have different backgrounds, different triggers. Do there is no one answer for all people for the same situation.

Regardless, I don’t think it matters if the Dom failed a test, it is like any other relationship. Be it a dynamic or vanilla. Relationships should be built on trust. If one party in a relationship does something to breakdown some trust, they must work yo regain that trust. Generally, open and honest communication is the first step.

[Ve****]

1 hour ago, Nylon-Nellie said:

Bigger picture is needed here.

Safety works both ways, doesn't it? Is he a new Dom that doesn't have much experience with his sub? How/why did he fail a simple test? Is a experienced sub 'testing' a new Dom?

As I have said, bigger picture is much needed for a unbiased opinion.

It has nothing to do with safe words. I made a request of him that would allow us both to reveal ourselves deeply. He refused and admitted to having secrets.

[Ve****]

2 minutes ago, Matttster said:

I agree with Nylon-Nellie, more information is needed.

In part it will depend upon the people; everyone is different and react different. We all have different backgrounds, different triggers. Do there is no one answer for all people for the same situation.

Regardless, I don’t think it matters if the Dom failed a test, it is like any other relationship. Be it a dynamic or vanilla. Relationships should be built on trust. If one party in a relationship does something to breakdown some trust, they must work yo regain that trust. Generally, open and honest communication is the first step.

And what steps might a Dom take to regain that trust?

[Croaker]

2 minutes ago, Velicious said:

It has nothing to do with safe words. I made a request of him that would allow us both to reveal ourselves deeply. He refused and admitted to having secrets.

I guess that’s difficult. Secrets they don’t want to reveal feels like a red flag maybe?

[TheBookCollector]

3 minutes ago, Velicious said:

It has nothing to do with safe words. I made a request of him that would allow us both to reveal ourselves deeply. He refused and admitted to having secrets.

How long had you known each other?

[TheBookCollector]

5 minutes ago, Croaker said:

I guess that’s difficult. Secrets they don’t want to reveal feels like a red flag maybe?

Surely it depends on the 'secret' and how long you have know your partner.
.
I wouldnt discuss intimate details of a previous relationship or about my family and work until id known someone a while and there was trust between us.
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Every person has secrets and they dont always get revealed because sometimes they are traumatic.

[Matttster]

If he did not want yo share secrets, is that “screwing up”? Admitting he has secrets is being honest.

We all have secrets we either don’t want to share won’t share out of respect of other parties.

[Croaker]

10 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said:

Surely it depends on the 'secret' and how long you have know your partner.
.
I wouldnt discuss intimate details of a previous relationship or about my family and work until id known someone a while and there was trust between us.
.
Every person has secrets and they dont always get revealed because sometimes they are traumatic.

No that’s a good point. I guess the “category” of the secret is important in that sense

[Ve****]

20 minutes ago, Croaker said:

I guess that’s difficult. Secrets they don’t want to reveal feels like a red flag maybe?

Absolutely since there’s been no attempt to reconcile. Some secrets would be tolerable. But it seems he knows that his are the kind I would not tolerate. Or he’s too ashamed to make any attempt. Or maybe he was a fake Dom just trying to rack up sexual encounters. And my leaving was inconsequential. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Ve****]

20 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said:

How long had you known each other?

4 months.

[Ve****]

The screw up is mostly not being willing to communicate about it. I expected there to be surprising things revealed about each of us. It was an opportunity to become more intimate, prove faithfulness, and solidify our connection. He chose to keep his secrets rather than keep me.

[Ve****]

I gave the test immediately after him saying that he would never do anything to allow me to feel powerless in our relationship. I can’t imagine anything less empowering than being in a relationship with a man who keeps secrets while also telling me that he would never do anything to make me feel powerless in our relationship.