ey**** Posted Thursday at 09:26 AM 1 hour ago, Kinkyboy1980 said: I've been on this site now 3 weeks and I find it demoralising. I may aswell be invisible. One of the kinda common issues a lot of men run into is unreasonable expectations. Another is impatience. I'd saw you'd been scammed, and while this of course sucks and I'm sorry it happens - it's often impatience which is like catnip for scammers. The other thing is that no matter how much men will talk up being serious and wanting a relationship; they will take bites at any apples offered. The air of desperation is easy to exploit. The approach play ends up being rushed. That 3 weeks feels like a long time because a lot of people have been messaged in that time (save for a few low effort classifieds) and of course the scammers smell the desperation, as do the 'genuine' women and it's not really a way to feel special. It just feels like it's the latest guy who has signed up and rushed in. Patience is your friend. Take time not to rush in desperation to get your dick wet, but to learn from others. To slowly grow. To reach out less often, but to people who interest you more. Equally, of course, your profile is very much about what YOU want. Which is "explore submissive side" which also means you see the other person as a faciliator to your experimentation - rather than as a partner. It also has the issues that what if within this exporation you don't like a bunch of stuff your partner does? Not the basis for a long term relationship. If you wish to experiment and explore, then the two best ways are (a) with/via community - going to munches/events meeting friends etc (b) paying a pro though in both cases those are still both play based, rather than submission *in general* -- there is a Domme on twitter who will give slave tasks - but they are always things like "get up before your wife and make her coffee and breakfast in bed", "do more than your fairshare of housework" - etc. stuff which can ultimately be done with any partner.
Kinkyboy1980 Posted Thursday at 09:32 AM 40 minutes ago, MistressWhipplash said: Nothing in your profile shows what you offer as a person in a Woman focused relationship. Unfortunately your profile is solely about what you want online. Online for a Dominant Woman is boring. Boring attracts scammers for you to pay for your kink service. On fetlife, there are social events near you. I recommend you attend a munch and eventually a play party as a bottom for a while to get your kink jollies. Don't seek a relationship when your profile is geared to solely playtime. Be honest and go play. It is quite common for newbies to initially be play bottoms at fetish clubs, then eventually make a decision later about where they are in the kink arena. Be honest and go to munches etc. The BBB is in Birmingham is popular, offer to setup and take down playkit and get known as helpful and friendly, without pushing what you want. Overtime you'll click with someone if you're not a fuckboy. I need someone like you to guide me. So far I have failed in my search.
Kinkyboy1980 Posted Thursday at 09:35 AM 9 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: One of the kinda common issues a lot of men run into is unreasonable expectations. Another is impatience. I'd saw you'd been scammed, and while this of course sucks and I'm sorry it happens - it's often impatience which is like catnip for scammers. The other thing is that no matter how much men will talk up being serious and wanting a relationship; they will take bites at any apples offered. The air of desperation is easy to exploit. The approach play ends up being rushed. That 3 weeks feels like a long time because a lot of people have been messaged in that time (save for a few low effort classifieds) and of course the scammers smell the desperation, as do the 'genuine' women and it's not really a way to feel special. It just feels like it's the latest guy who has signed up and rushed in. Patience is your friend. Take time not to rush in desperation to get your dick wet, but to learn from others. To slowly grow. To reach out less often, but to people who interest you more. Equally, of course, your profile is very much about what YOU want. Which is "explore submissive side" which also means you see the other person as a faciliator to your experimentation - rather than as a partner. It also has the issues that what if within this exporation you don't like a bunch of stuff your partner does? Not the basis for a long term relationship. If you wish to experiment and explore, then the two best ways are (a) with/via community - going to munches/events meeting friends etc (b) paying a pro though in both cases those are still both play based, rather than submission *in general* -- there is a Domme on twitter who will give slave tasks - but they are always things like "get up before your wife and make her coffee and breakfast in bed", "do more than your fairshare of housework" - etc. stuff which can ultimately be done with any partner. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate the note about my profile. Its difficult to know what to write to gain attraction. My inexperience and naivety led me to falling victim to scams. As you say that's me being desperate.
ey**** Posted Thursday at 03:14 PM 5 hours ago, Kinkyboy1980 said: Thanks for the advice. I appreciate the note about my profile. Its difficult to know what to write to gain attraction. My inexperience and naivety led me to falling victim to scams. As you say that's me being desperate. one of the annoying things about profiles is there's no silver bullet. There are lots of "nopes" which are often widespread - but even the perceived "best ever" profile isn't going to be for everyone. I guess some tips is it's important to be honest. it's ok to cite what you're looking for - though better if that's within a person, not necessarily a kinky wishlist and a little about you also. Mine could probably do with updating. I guess a thing with anything payment related is a bit... is this a route you even want to go down. If you did pay someone for something... then what...? And I aint saying it's wrong or right because there are plenty of legitimate people/services which require payments but it's, ahem, never a one-time thing.
ge**** Posted Thursday at 05:57 PM 8 hours ago, Kinkyboy1980 said: I need someone like you to guide me. So far I have failed in my search. Here's the thing though, if you need someone to guide you in how to write *your* profile it will no longer be yours - it needs to come from you, be about you, and not only what you want but what you can offer
Kinkyboy1980 Posted Thursday at 06:02 PM 5 minutes ago, gemini_man said: Here's the thing though, if you need someone to guide you in how to write *your* profile it will no longer be yours - it needs to come from you, be about you, and not only what you want but what you can offer I meant guide me on the whole, although I have been into bdsm for a while, physically I am very inexperienced.
MistressWhipplash Posted Friday at 01:21 AM (edited) I don't guide adults to adult. Think about what you offer and write that. Look up munches near you on Fetlife and go to a few to make socialising fun. Don't appear pushy or desperate = that's adulting. As you know how to talk to folks right? Daily life requires it. Ordering food, drinks, being in a queue yep that's all adulting. In my experience a guy who "requires guarding" thinks it's a woman's job yo help when it so isn't. I offer a male experienced submissive to give advice and rhe guy doesn't want it. That clearly shows his intent to attempt to manipulate. Not a cool look. As others have said it wouldn't be your words if they wrote your profile. It's important to show your inexperience and intent clearly. Edited Friday at 01:22 AM by MistressWhipplash
ey**** Posted Friday at 06:33 AM I think a little with guidance there are a few issues - many of which MistressWhipplash alludes to. Mostly that it does often dump your own learning/development onto someone else who in turn gets little reward from it. Somewhat different of course, if this person is a friend - but it can still be emotional labour. the other problem with guidance is it can often be a limited kinda thing - because you're getting one persons view. (this is something that was flawed in the 90s/early 2000s "we must train you" model. As well as being cultish, was very limited) Community learning, via stuff like munches gets much more perspectives and growth - and there are so so so many articles on line from everything to writing a good profile, to sending good messages to how to be a better sub/dominant/etc - just also to be aware each one of these is one persons view, so reading more helps further.
MistressWhipplash Posted Saturday at 02:36 PM Yesterday at 07:33 AM, eyemblacksheep said: I think a little with guidance there are a few issues - many of which MistressWhipplash alludes to. Mostly that it does often dump your own learning/development onto someone else who in turn gets little reward from it. Somewhat different of course, if this person is a friend - but it can still be emotional labour. the other problem with guidance is it can often be a limited kinda thing - because you're getting one persons view. (this is something that was flawed in the 90s/early 2000s "we must train you" model. As well as being cultish, was very limited) Community learning, via stuff like munches gets much more perspectives and growth - and there are so so so many articles on line from everything to writing a good profile, to sending good messages to how to be a better sub/dominant/etc - just also to be aware each one of these is one persons view, so reading more helps further. "One person's view" Going to munches as a newbie and getting a myriad of answers helps with determining where in the kink spectrum you are. I mean, many newbies hover on the edges of the kink arena until self-education by listening/asking grows BDSM knowledge so they can step into a fetish club dressed so they blend it /or stand out, depending on how they feel. It's about slow, comfortable steps into what suits the newbie. Zero to do with a relationship with an experienced person, and instead, all about individual growth. The rare ones who do the work and grow get snapped up. Those who put, "Where da Mistresses ar," who can spoon feed the newbies all that knowledge mostly get ignored. Training is a kink term for, "play with me random stranger, " it also a way for newbies to get scammed. No Dominant Woman will cold call a guy. Cold call messages with very shiny photos are often a *** scam. Plenty of scammers are pretending to be women. Going offline to munches and alternative markets are where you meet lifestyles.
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