BDSM & Sex | Does all BDSM Play have to be Sexual?

Lock and key, knife and fork, horse and carriage – all go together but does BDSM and sex always have to go hand in hand? Victoria Blisse discusses the different ways you can have BDSM play with your play partner without sex if that's what you want.

Society's BDSM expectations

If you talk to the average person on the street about BDSM, they will more than likely frame it in the context of kinky sex. When you see BDSM representing in the media it's always about the people involved getting their rocks off. But is all BDSM play sexual?

The simple answer is no, but of course, there's much more to it than that. It very much depends on how you relate to BDSM play yourself. Some people don't separate their kinks from their sexuality. For some people, bondage and D/s are all about sex. And that is perfectly fine. How you do your kink is totally up to you.

However, not everyone connects to BDSM in the same way. Some people can separate the BDSM play from sexual play. For example, Shibari and rope play is a prime example of that. Some people just enjoy being tied up. It gives them a floaty headspace that they really enjoy. Some riggers love being creative with rope. It's not always all about sex.

woman tied in shibari bondage
Can you separate BDSM play from sexual play?

No Sex BDSM Spaces

Many BDSM clubs and dungeons will have a no sexual play rule. It's quite usual, especially in clubs that hire vanilla social spaces for their events. It's not unusual for someone to be completely satisfied just by being beaten. Some masochists do indeed get sexual satisfaction just from *** alone.

Not everyone wants to get sexual satisfaction from BDSM play. Many asexual kinksters just enjoy BDSM for what it is, with no sexual connection to that at all, for example. BDSM play can help people deal with stress and intense emotions. Some people use kink to relax or enjoy the challenge or to connect with a play partner. It's not always sexual.

How to negotiate BDSM play without sex

When you're talking to a play partner before a scene, it's essential to negotiate what is going to happen, and this is especially crucial if you've never played together before. Here are a few tips on how to do this if you do not want any sexual interaction with a play partner:

Never assume. You might think that it's the first time you're playing with an individual, so they will know you don't want it to get sexual. That isn't the case. Always let them know your limits.
Be explicit. We all have different definitions of what is sexual. Let the person you're playing with know exactly what you mean by no sexual play. Does it mean no touching of genitals? Does it mean no touching at all? Let your partner know.
Remember, you can change your mind at any time. If you're uneasy with something that is happening, as a Top or a bottom, speak up. Never do anything you're not 100% comfortable with.

How to negotiate BDSM play with sex

Negotiation is often seen as a means to work out what kinks you're going to try or what equipment you might be using in a scene. It's not just this; negotiation is for sex with your play partner/s too.

Let your play partner know that you are open to sexual play. If it is essential for you in a scene, let them know this.
Be explicit. You don't necessarily need to list all the sex acts you want to do or enjoy but giving examples of what could happen provides everyone involved the chance to say no if needed.
Share your limits. Is anal off the table? Do you dislike kissing? Tops and bottoms both sharing their sexual limits will minimise any awkward moments mid-scene.

Renegotiation

You might start not wanting any sexual play with a play partner but find that your desire changes over time. It's always best to do any negotiation before play and not during a scene. Chat with your partner about their plans and let them know you'd be open to sexual play but always ask them if they're interested in that. Their consent is essential too. Communication is key. Never try to add in a sexual element to play without prior negotiation.

BDSM and sex do often go together, but just because they sometimes do doesn't mean all BDSM play has to be sexual. You can enjoy BDSM play without a sexual element at all. Remember, your wants and wishes are as important as anyone else's when you're negotiating BDSM play.

Victoria Blisse was an erotic author and sex-positive Reverend. She helped shape fetish.com and FET from the very beginning and we're eternally grateful for her passion and creativity. Sadly, she passed away in January 2024. We hope that whenever her articles are read, she'll be honored.