How to Know When BDSM Fantasies Violate Consent

On 4/4/2020 at 7:03 AM, idontcarex5 said:

I'm expirenced and love it when a Dom takes total control over powering me and making me feel like they can't resist me. 

Took the words out of my mouth!! 

I will say only this: Thought Policing and fear/taking offense at what is thought by someone else, is yet another bullshit modern faux construct designed by and for people who lack confidence in their own being. If you feel objectified because someone looked at you, then clearly you are either not comfortable with who you are, or you are prejudging someone for who they are. Enough with these bullshit social constructs already!

https://bild-b.fetisch.de/asset/FET_AppNewsfeed_AppNewsfeedSeries-FetishFactsforFET(2)_1.jpgWe all want to be sex-positive and risk-aware, but where should the BDSM fantasy stop and consent begin? Read on for more. :wink:


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# How to Know When BDSM Fantasies Violate Consent


We all have kinky thoughts and fantasies, but when does a personal BDSM fantasy become a consent violation? Why is it wrong to objectify women and other genders? We all want to be sex-positive and risk-aware, but where should the BDSM fantasy stop and consent begin? Victoria Blisse draws the line between the two.


.jpg "Messaging Kinksters 1")


You know how it goes, sometimes you're walking down the street, and you see someone Hot AF. At that moment you're carried away and imagine yourself and them in your favourite BDSM Fantasy - fun times.

But when is a fantasy harmless and when is it classed as objectifying women/other genders or becomes a consent violation?

## It's good to fantasize when:


_- it's in your mind only_
_- it affects no one else but you_
_- it doesn't make anyone else feel uncomfortable_
_- you know it's not real_
_- it's sex-positive_
_- it doesn't objectify women, men or any gender_


# Exploring and revealing BDSM fantasies

Sex-positive sexual and BDSM fantasies are good; it teaches us about what turns us on and can lead to some exciting real-life experiences. It gives us the chance to explore those kinks that intrigue us in the safest environment there is. Sex-positive fantasies are an excellent tool for getting to know what makes us (and those we play with), tick.

Only reveal sexual fantasies when you've asked someone if they want to hear them, though. We might be incredibly conscious about consent when it comes to actions like spanking someone or tying them up, but consent is just as important in our conversations too. Objectifying women and people of all genders is something to be avoided unless it's their kink and consent has been given, of course!

Why? Because, despite what the adage says, words can hurt and do damage just as much as physical implements can. In the same way that we want to keep our play sex-positive and practise Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) when we're playing with bodies, we want to do the same when playing with words. Objectifying women, objectifying people is never okay without consent.

You never know what the other person has experienced in the past. Check in about their hard limits, and what topics they don't want to talk about or even think about.

Ask before revealing a sexual, Fetish or BDSM fantasy; then you'll know if the person you are telling, is in a receptive mood. If someone says no, respect that. And don't keep badgering if they keep saying no. No means no, even when it's 'just' words. If a person can't respect a 'no' when they're just talking, will they respect a safeword during play? It certainly brings up doubts.

# Think about consent

BDSM fantasies, though, can sometimes include more than just employing the mind. For example, some people enjoy sniffing used panties, which is great. What harm is there in that? Well none at all, if everyone involved has given consent. What if they didn't? You might not see any problem with it, but what would the person do if they found out you were taking their used underwear for your sexual pleasure?

No, it won't be a sexy, punishment scene. The person will be angry, upset, and there will be negative consequences to your relationship. Is it worth risking that? It's much better to find someone to consensually join in so you can live out those kinky fantasies together. And in a worst-case scenario, you could be reported to the police for public indecency or theft. No one wants that.

If you have a thing for hair or certain types of clothing, for example, you might see these things in your everyday life. So how does consent fit in with that? Revisit the checklist; if you're keeping your kink to yourself, it's all good. Are you staring at someone in tight gym clothes when they're just trying to work out? That's not okay. The same thing goes for staring at a person in latex, for example at a kink event, or even worse, touching them without asking. You are turning that person into a receptacle for your fetish. Some people get off on that, but only with prior consent. Objectifying women is only fun when consent is involved. If you do it without consent, it is wrong. Always.

A person wearing something you find attractive isn't doing it for you. You are objectifying women (and other genders) by assuming that. You need to check for consent before taking your interest any further. Otherwise, you're a dick. And the most significant rule of Fetish and BDSM life is - don't be a dick.

And basically, that's how you know if your BDSM fantasy is okay. If you're not offending, upsetting, degrading or objectifying women, men and the genders in between then you're doing okay. If you want to share your sex-positive BDSM fantasy be sure to get consent first. :wink:


_Victoria Blisse is an erotic author, a Sex Positive Reverend and part of Smut.UK who arrange events for curious and kinky people with a literary bent._

It's good to fantasise when:

it's in your mind only 

it affects no one else but you 

it doesn't make anyone else feel uncomfortable 

you know it's not real 

it's sex-positive

it doesn't objectify women, men or any gender
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I believe there is a basic fallacy in your original premise.

Fantasy - the faculty or activity of imagining impossible or improbable things.

So if a fantasy is only in your mind, once you take action upon it, however small it is no longer fantasy.

Example:

Taking panties - Action

Touching anyone anywhere - Action

Turning head to stare at someone walking by - Action

In my humble opinion it is impossible for me to objectify some one by a merely thinking "I would love to rest my feet on her."

While this thought involves a fantasy that includes actual objectification it has absolutely no effect on the person in front of me in the line at the supermarket, of whom I am thinking this about.

So let us take it a step further, I say hello to the woman in front of me in the queue and ask what?

"Do I have your consent to fantasise about using you as a foot stool?"

Which scenario do you see causing the most hurt and distress to the other party?

The thought or the action.

45 minutes ago, Leisa said:

Donny thank you for giving me another prospective that I failed to see. Usually you’re one of those I read and enjoy, including when you’re opening my eyes to a different point of view. It’s not often I change my opinion but you have done so here. Well done and thank you.

Hi  @Leisa , I wrote something yesterday and mentioned there were a few Submissives who really knew their stuff and you were one of those  I was thinking of as i wrote it. You make some great points and they as good posts do help educate not only me but i hope others. Thank you for your reply, I feel I must clarify I think for obvious reasons a key point.  From my view again, I can't speak for other men or Doms. When I see a lass who attracts me my thoughts do not instantly turn to darker sexual things, they usually if anything turn to thoughts of what's she like, vanilla thoughts, does she have a good soul, is she kind, does she posses empathy, does she swalllow 😂😂😂ha ha sorry, joke, honest. Yes the initial attraction is  a sexual one, a chemical reaction I can't control but I can control my thoughts and I don't even need to control them, they for me are the correct ones. That being said yes I admire the female form but we all want others to look don't we? Why are my photos the best ones I have? Because I want to attract women And that mostly starts with that little buzz in the pit of your gut, the one that speaks of possibilities, a physical attraction. I adore women and all that they are, yes I look, i admire and from time to time I may fantasize but for me that's what we as heterosexual men are. We dont switch into sexual deviants as if a switch has been thrown as was suggested by another member but i think you already know this. 😊

Tuesday at 11:05 PM, Donnykinkster said:

That being the case and if I understand your point correctly I would say most of us at one point or another are guilty of this. From a heterosexual man's point of view I believe it's hardwired into us to admire the female form, fantasize about them especially when we first hit puberty and discover women. 

Donny thank you for giving me another prospective that I failed to see. Usually you’re one of those I read and enjoy, including when you’re opening my eyes to a different point of view. It’s not often I change my opinion but you have done so here. Well done and thank you.

6 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

Totally agree with you. One should not fantasise everyday and everywhere, and certainly not with people in the street. If you cant control your mind outside there is something wrong with you! 
you are free to fantasise about yourself in situations but not involving someone else near you. And to creep in a girl in short in the street is almost like assault. She chose to wear that outfit for herself not for you to almost rape her with your eyes. In the future where minds will be read, you will be prosecuted. 
so fantasy being part of bdsm world need consent before sharing it or indulging your filthy mind with it. keep it for yourself 

You should have tagged me Severus so I know the post is for me but you can't can you, you blocked me 😂😂. The opinion of a man like you is of no concern to a man like me, simple as that.

I've been mostly trying to avoid commenting on this topic as it comes across very much like a George Orwell novel, in which thoughts can be considered criminal. This is no world any of us want to live.
If your neighbor gets a new car, and you think about how it would be to cruise that sexy machine around - are you guilty of grand theft?
If you hate your job and think about how fun it would be to burn it down - are you guilty of arson?
If you get angry after someone cuts you off in traffic, and you imagine their reckless behavior might get them killed - are you guilty of murder?
This is NOT the world of thought crime for one very important reason. Most cultures agree, for there to be a criminal act against another individual, there must be a victim. This is ultimately why fiction writers can still depict acts of violation and violence against fictional characters - there is NO victim. As long as the fantasies I have stay in my head, then again, there is NO victim. I don't need your consent to think about you because the "you" in my head isn't you, but an idea of you.
You may be able to control where your mind wanders and thoughts that bloom in your head, not everyone is afforded that luxury. No, some of us are free thinkers...we see outside the box and experience the world very differently. To make us out as criminals because our thoughts are something you cannot condone is derelict; it shows a definite disregard for personal freedom and is incredibly ignorant.
Just because the thoughts are there doesn't mean there will be a crime committed. To assume otherwise would be infringing on everything that makes humans unique.

23 hours ago, Leisa said:

Great article though I can see where some may not get that fantasies about the woman on the street, the man in the checkout line, or the person at a convention would be wrong. If you’re impeding another’s right not to be objectified it’s lacking consent pure and simple. Thinking it’s just in my mind and who does it hurt makes it no less consensual. Think of it this way, would you want anyone else fantasizing about you, your family member or friend, or your Dominant/submissive in that manner. If the answer is no than you too would be guilty of objectification of another and have done so without consent.

Totally agree with you. One should not fantasise everyday and everywhere, and certainly not with people in the street. If you cant control your mind outside there is something wrong with you! 
you are free to fantasise about yourself in situations but not involving someone else near you. And to creep in a girl in short in the street is almost like assault. She chose to wear that outfit for herself not for you to almost rape her with your eyes. In the future where minds will be read, you will be prosecuted. 
so fantasy being part of bdsm world need consent before sharing it or indulging your filthy mind with it. keep it for yourself 

My Dad disowned me,because I wear my sisters clothes,
He caught me in the bathroom,
Wearing Pantyose,
It don't bother me if people think I'm funny,
I would do it all again,
If paid enough money..

4 minutes ago, JustTheBlockingDom said:

This article is riddled with all sorts of fallacy. One example: objectification is a kink. This article doesn't even attempt to acknowledge that, and instead sets a stage for implicit guilt if one is not careful enough to spot it.

Outright blurting a fantasy towards an unwilling individual? Of course, that's not appropriate behaviour and it's seen all too often unfortunately. However, to imply one should be made to feel guilt based on their biological processes and preferred lifestyle choices is absurd. They're called fantasies for a reason; exploratory conjurings of imagination - nothing more.
 

Bang on the money

This article is riddled with all sorts of fallacy. One example: objectification is a kink. This article doesn't even attempt to acknowledge that, and instead sets a stage for implicit guilt if one is not careful enough to spot it.

Outright blurting a fantasy towards an unwilling individual? Of course, that's not appropriate behaviour and it's seen all too often unfortunately. However, to imply one should be made to feel guilt based on their biological processes and preferred lifestyle choices is absurd. They're called fantasies for a reason; exploratory conjurings of imagination - nothing more.

25 minutes ago, Msbigbrown said:

Do we not all fantasise ? So are we all wrong to fantasise?

This is exactly my point. I do it all the time, walking down the street, see a pretty lass in a short summer dress and think "kworrrrrr she's fit" Does that make me a bad man? I don't think so at all I think it just makes me a man

Do we not all fantasise ? So are we all wrong to fantasise?

7 hours ago, Leisa said:

Great article though I can see where some may not get that fantasies about the woman on the street, the man in the checkout line, or the person at a convention would be wrong. If you’re impeding another’s right not to be objectified it’s lacking consent pure and simple. Thinking it’s just in my mind and who does it hurt makes it no less consensual. Think of it this way, would you want anyone else fantasizing about you, your family member or friend, or your Dominant/submissive in that manner. If the answer is no than you too would be guilty of objectification of another and have done so without consent.

That being the case and if I understand your point correctly I would say most of us at one point or another are guilty of this. From a heterosexual man's point of view I believe it's hardwired into us to admire the female form, fantasize about them especially when we first hit puberty and discover women. 

This is interesting considering we're all coming out of a lockdown which was an illustration of a non-consentual relationship we are all in, with our respective governments. But sure, let's have some more of that "no means no" stuff.

Great article though I can see where some may not get that fantasies about the woman on the street, the man in the checkout line, or the person at a convention would be wrong. If you’re impeding another’s right not to be objectified it’s lacking consent pure and simple. Thinking it’s just in my mind and who does it hurt makes it no less consensual. Think of it this way, would you want anyone else fantasizing about you, your family member or friend, or your Dominant/submissive in that manner. If the answer is no than you too would be guilty of objectification of another and have done so without consent.

This is a very good read. Very very good.

'And the most significant rule of Fetish and BDSM life is - don't be a dick.'

I love this, it's so important, and true. It would be great if this were adopted more generally too. 

I'm expirenced and love it when a Dom takes total control over powering me and making me feel like they can't resist me. 

Fantasy stops when you find the right person to see all your kinky fantasies cum true

Quite simply fantasy stops when there is consent, with no consent it remains fantasy

Yeet