How to Know When BDSM Fantasies Violate Consent

We all have kinky thoughts and fantasies, but when does a personal BDSM fantasy become a consent ***? Why is it wrong to objectify women and other genders? We all want to be sex-positive and risk-aware, but where should the BDSM fantasy stop and consent begin? Victoria Blisse draws the line between the two.

You know how it goes, sometimes you're walking down the street, and you see someone Hot AF. At that moment you're carried away and imagine yourself and them in your favourite BDSM fantasy - fun times. But when is a fantasy harmless and when is it classed as objectifying women/other genders or becomes a consent ***?

It's good to fantasize when:

it's in your mind only
it affects no one else but you
it doesn't make anyone else feel uncomfortable
you know it's not real
it's sex-positive
it doesn't objectify women, men or any gender

Exploring and revealing BDSM fantasies

Sex-positive sexual and BDSM fantasies are good; it teaches us about what turns us on and can lead to some exciting real-life experiences. It gives us the chance to explore those kinks that intrigue us in the safest environment there is. Sex-positive fantasies are an excellent tool for getting to know what makes us (and those we play with), tick.

Only reveal sexual fantasies when you've asked someone if they want to hear them, though. We might be incredibly conscious about consent when it comes to actions like spanking someone or tying them up, but consent is just as important in our conversations too. Objectifying women and people of all genders is something to be avoided unless it's their kink and consent has been given, of course!

Why? Because, despite what the adage says, words can hurt and do damage just as much as physical implements can. In the same way that we want to keep our play sex-positive and practise Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) when we're playing with bodies, we want to do the same when playing with words. Objectifying women, objectifying people is never okay without consent. You never know what the other person has experienced in the past. Check in about their hard limits, and what topics they don't want to talk about or even think about.

Ask before revealing a sexual, Fetish or BDSM fantasy; then you'll know if the person you are telling, is in a receptive mood. If someone says no, respect that. And don't keep badgering if they keep saying no. No means no, even when it's 'just' words. If a person can't respect a 'no' when they're just talking, will they respect a safeword during play? It certainly brings up doubts.

Think about consent

BDSM fantasies, though, can sometimes include more than just employing the mind. For example, some people enjoy sniffing used panties, which is great. What harm is there in that? Well none at all, if everyone involved has given consent. What if they didn't? You might not see any problem with it, but what would the person do if they found out you were taking their used underwear for your sexual pleasure?

No, it won't be a sexy, punishment scene. The person will most likely be angry, upset, with negative consequences to your relationship. Is it worth risking that? It's much better to find someone to consensually join in so you can live out those kinky fantasies together. And in a worst-case scenario, you could be reported to the police for public indecency or theft. No one wants that.

If you have a thing for hair or certain types of clothing, for example, you might see these things in your everyday life. So how does consent fit in with that? Revisit the checklist; if you're keeping your kink to yourself, it's all good. Are you staring at someone in tight gym clothes when they're just trying to work out? That's not okay.

The same thing goes for staring at a person in latex, for example at a kink event, or even worse, touching them without asking. You are turning that person into a receptacle for your fetish. Some people get off on that, but only with prior consent. Objectifying women is only fun when consent is involved. If you do it without consent, it is wrong. Always. You need to check for consent before taking your interest any further. Otherwise, you're a dick. And the most significant rule of Fetish and BDSM life is - don't be a dick.

And basically, that's how you know if your BDSM fantasy is okay. If you're not offending, upsetting, degrading or objectifying women, men and the genders in between then you're doing okay. If you want to share your sex-positive BDSM fantasy be sure to get consent first. •

Victoria Blisse was an erotic author and sex-positive Reverend. She helped shape fetish.com and FET from the very beginning and we're eternally grateful for her passion and creativity. Sadly, she passed away in January 2024. We hope that whenever her articles are read, she'll be honored.

What are your thoughts on the subject of BDSM fantasies and consent? Let us know in the Fetish Forum. Spanks for reading!