We all love a hot kinky BDSM play party, but sometimes negotiating the space and kinksters can be challenging. Follow our guide on being a great play party guest, and you'll be sure to get invited back for more.

A great BDSM play party guest is unashamed of their desires, aware of their boundaries, and ready to mingle. Participation isn't essential at a BDSM play party, so only join in if you're comfortable with what's going on. 

While appreciative watching is OK, take time to figure out what's acceptable and what kind of behavior will upset others. If you're new to BDSM, ask the host or have a play pal to help you get initiated. 

Know the BDSM play party rules

The BDSM community is dynamic, and the conventions around the night's activities are never set in stone. Some BDSM play party guests will arrive with tools and toys for pre-planned kinky scenes, but others revel in spontaneity, fetish apparel, and the excitement of having an audience. Even if you've been in the BDSM community for a while, it's worth checking on the rules of engagement with an organizer.

Once things get started, you can begin BDSM play or participate from the sidelines – but wait 'till you're invited. Many sex party guests play with new partners during the evening because it's safe, and there's always someone to call a timeout when needed. 

BDSM play party
Know your BDSM play party rules.  Image: Stacie Joy via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license

Safe sex at BDSM play parties

A BDSM play party usually provides gloves, lube, or condoms, and it's fair to expect your host to take some responsibility for what goes on. Even so, BDSM play parties or group sex can be disorientating, so don't rely on anyone else to guarantee your safety. Always chat to potential sex partners about your stance on safe sex and check that they respect your wishes by wearing a condom or dental dam.

BDSM play party dress codes

Play party guests will be told about the dress code beforehand, either in a forum chat or invite. If you love your rubber or PVC skirts and thigh-high patent leather boots, this is the time to bust them out.

Plain black is always good; you could accessorize with some kinky jewelry or footwear to gently ease yourself into the lifestyle. Denim jeans have no place at a BDSM play party (unless explicitly stated) as they epitomize the straight, conventional, American pie lifestyle we try to escape from, so they are best avoided.

Letting it flow during BDSM play

We're all dynamic people: BDSM is part of our lifestyle, but it's not the only way we want to be defined, so chat about other things and let the inevitable kinky talk flow more organically. Most people on the scene dislike being introduced as a Dom or a sub, or having someone introduce themselves that way. When people want to know about your kink, they'll ask.

If you meet a contact from your day-to-day life, play it cool. Smile and be friendly but resist the urge to gossip or chat about personal issues. After all, people have good reasons for keeping their bondage life private.

Dramatic titles can be intimidating to strangers, but most people are cool with scene names because we understand that not everyone is out among their friends or family. Regardless of how people identify themselves, be polite and respectful to every individual at a play party - friends are an asset in our community, so value everyone you click with.


Stay curious and respectful during BDSM play

If it's your first BDSM play party, you may feel stunned by what's unfolding; naked people, the BDSM equipment, and the kinky scenes can be overwhelming. Take a good look because that's what it's there for, but never gawk or get in between people to improve your view, and never participate unless invited.

Some indiscretions can get you kicked out of a bondage gathering, but being a BDSM play party guest boils down to one word: respect. In our community, people can be very protective of their bodies in non-sexual encounters, so it's common sense to ask permission before making any contact, even if you're going in for a hug.

Also, be open and ready to engage in conversation with every guest – don't just make a bee-line for the hotties, and don't randomly proposition people. You might feel caught up in the moment, but this behavior can get you labeled a creep, even if you don't deserve it.

When in doubt, watch how others interact. Kinky events are not swingers clubs, so never assume. Like every culture, we have our taboos. Touching someone's collar is the fetish equivalent of pinching a stranger's bum on the bus, but when asked, holding a Mistress' crop shows excellent manners.

Finally, always leave at an appropriate time, thank the organizers, and have a chat about how it was for you. They'll be happy to hear any constructive ideas for the next BDSM community event, and as you've behaved so well, you'll be first on the guest list.

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Do you agree with our tips on how to be a great BDSM play party guest? Have BDSM play party experiences to share? Start a thread in the BDSM forum for free.

Share your BDSM play party tips in the BDSM forum
Cover Image: Arrideo Photography via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license

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