Kink, *** and mental health: is there a link?

[Deleted Member]

Lately I've been questioning whether BDSM is good for my mental health. I'm open about my bipolar diagnosis... but I don't think it's just that because I hear things from so many other people about their ***ful experiences and I know it's not just me. 

What I do know is I've met a lot of women in the community who've been ***d. And before anyone jumps down my throat, yes, I know some men who've been ***d by partners, too. It's not gender-specific, ***. . . . . . . . . . . Stick with it, and I'll tell you my story. 

 

But take a look at some of these figures first: 

• Almost one in three women aged 16-59 will experience domestic *** in her lifetime
• Two women a week are killed by a current or former partner in England and Wales alone
• In the year ending March 2019, 1.6 million women experienced domestic ***

 

Those facts might not surprise you, but what about these: 

• It is estimated that around three women a week commit *** as a result of domestic ***
• Women who experience domestic *** are twice as likely to experience depression
• 40% of homeless women state domestic *** as a contributor in their homelessness

[These figures are from World Health Organization and the Office for National Statistics - not just made up by a crazy woman!]

 

It gets even scarier when you put the information regarding children into the equation: 

• 20% of children in the UK have lived with an adult perpetrating domestic *** (NSPCC, 2011)
• 62% of children in households where domestic *** is happening are also directly harmed
• An estimated 39,000 babies under one year of age live with domestic *** in the UK

 

It gets difficult for me to think straight when I talk about this stuff. I experience dissociation. I have never liked to dwell on the past.. . . I've learned to live in the present moment. If you don't know it, read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Learn some Buddhist meditation. It literally saved my life. 

....

My ***rs were never physically violent with me. When the *** is psychological, you don't believe it's happening. You don't see yourself as a victim. You think it's all your fault. All in your mind. That's why it took so long for me to learn what it was and break free. 

It started in my childhood. We looked like the perfect family but we were all terrified of my mother and her moods. She was a bully. Though I didn't know it, I was depressed at 10. I first thought about killing myself when I was 14. Every morning I woke with a lurch of anxiety, dreading the day. That continued into my twenties, until I was eventually medicated for anxiety and depression. 

....

Blah blah blah.... mostly boring stuff.... stuff lots of people have experienced. I'm not special. 

But...

I was always susceptible to falling for men I got involved with really quickly. I see that in other women who've been ***d. It's a PITA. So, at 29 I met this guy who I wasn't particularly interested in. But he pursued me hard. I didn't know then that it's called Love Bombing. It's what Narcissists do. He was controlling but I saw that as care and affection. After a few weeks, he insisted I move in with him. I tried to say that it was too soon. He became more insistent, more persuasive. Ultimatums were presented. I suppose I felt wanted. I acquiesced and moved into his apartment with him. 

He made other demands. He was a doctor. He told me that taking the Pill was bad for my health. So I said I'd get an IUD. He said, no that can cause pelvic inflammation and you can lose your uterus. So, no IUD. He didn't like condoms. We were running out of options. I spoke to my GP about getting fitted for a diaphragm. She assured me that it was an excellent form of protection, if you used it properly. 

One night we were making love and I realised I hadn't put the diaphragm in beforehand. I was horrified but in the throes of passion, I wasn't about to stop him. Yes, I could have done. I should have done. I was different then. 

Afterwards I told him. I said I'd get the morning after pill but he said that was bad for my health. No pill. 

....

By now, you're thinking I'm really stupid, aren't you? I was just a girl who accepted being bullied/controlled by people who claimed to love her. My brain was rewired in childhood to be like that. 

I convinced myself it would be fine. So when my period didn't arrive on time, I was genuinely shocked. But not as shocked as him. For 2 days he didn't speak. Then he presented his decision to me. I had to get an abortion. When I refused he gave me an ultimatum: get a termination or leave. That's the only time it got physically ***ful. He packed my bags and threw them out of the flat. I tried to get the door keys off him but he overpowered me and ***d me out. 

9 months later, my son was born. 

....

You'd think that would have been enough. But I still didn't know anything about domestic ***. I didn't know I was ***. Especially as a struggling single parent with depression. Three years' later, I met G. He was 20 years' older than me. Nothing to look at. Divorced with grown up kids. He was my White Knight. He saw how much I was struggling and he rode in and took over. To me, it seemed like a better option than checking out... which is where I was at. He was smart and charming. This time he moved in with me. I didn't want him to but somehow he convinced me it was the best thing and he was sick of travelling up every weekend to visit me. 

I remember the evening he arrived with his stuff. It was my son's 4th birthday. He always bought gifts for my son. He was really attentive to him. I trusted him to take care of us. 

I can't even go into the details of how awful that relationship was. But eventually I learned that he was gaslighting me, to the extent that I thought *** was the only way to find relief.  He was an unpredictable bully. Dissociation means I've forgotten many of the details but he hurt my son, twice. I was terrified. I couldn't get him to leave. I tried over and over. I disappeared into a fog of misery. My weight blew up, I was exhausted all the time and spent most of the day napping. It was one way of checking out of what seemed like an unresolvable situation. 

But that's just the lie that an ***r gets you to believe.  He'd isolated me from friends and family. Everyone hated him. No one could stand up to him. 

After 5 years, I sought help from a professional. And I finally got him out of our lives. It took all the strength I could find and was the hardest week of my life. Sorry for being dramatic, but it kinda was. 

.......

I don't know why I'm telling you this now. I have much more satisfying ways of getting attention... it's not about that. But people need to speak out. We need to protect *** people in our community. And I hate to ever think of myself as a '*** person'.... that's why I act so tough.... but shame is what keeps us quiet. 

And the only way I know how to eliminate shame is to tell my story. 

I'm not sure I can ever have a healthy relationship. I'm content to accept a peaceful life, even if that means being single. Maybe I'm unsafe to play with because I have my demons and my dark side? Maybe. I know I'm not the only one, so if sharing this helps someone else, I'm cool with that. 

[Desiredkink]

You've helped me. Thanks ♥️

[Ky****]

ouch, similar worries occur to me all the time.  Less what am I exposing myself to and more am I helping to fuel someones urges that may go on to become non consentual with someone else.  I enjoy being beaten etc but would hate to think the person would extrapolate to others.

However, for me its been positive

[ey****]

I'm obviously very sorry to hear this happened to you - and it's something I think always does take bravery to be open about and move on from.

Personally.   I think if you did a venn diagram containing people who are into kink, people who have suffered *** and people with mental health issues - there'd be quite an overlap in the middle (I'm also in the middle and I know many others are.)

In some ways I'm not sure on patterned behaviour but I know some have seen kink as a way to take control over things they've suffered in the past.

Personally. I don't think this makes for an unsafe player.   I think unsafe play makes for an unsafe player.

I don't feel necessarily someone's full history needs to be known; but certainly things around triggers or play to avoid.  I've some of my own limits and boundaries which link to my past.

 

[Deleted Member]

Where to start,firstly to say you are far from alone with your internal battles.Many of us carry issues,wounds,scars,baggage that a sometimes tough world can cause. One of the  main issues for me as far as combating mental health is the stigma attached to it and reluctance to admit and discuss. Posts such as this help so much as they encourage discussion and debate. For me keeping it all inside I have learned is the worst thing to do but as a man the expected action, that however is another thread entirely. Talking is the key, opening the subject, debating but most of all letting others know they are not alone.As Eyem says about the Venn diagram I would place myself in the centre of the overlap and think a lot in this community would be joining us. Posts like this I think help all learn a little but really can make the difference for someone who may be having similar experiences to the ones you sadly experienced.You mention the word "shame", it's when we don't learn,repeat the same mistakes that's when shame comes Into it,not one of us is perfect and I'm pretty sure most of us have carried our fair share, again you are far from alone.

[Deleted Member]

So brave to speak out Rose, so much truth and ***. Its the experience of so many here and working through it and making sense of it is "the journey" is where the joy and peace must be found. I'm so proud to call you my friend,  you're strong,  beautiful and brave 💜👑💜

[Deleted Member]

50 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

 

Personally. I don't think this makes for an unsafe player.   I think unsafe play makes for an unsafe player.

 

 

This is a reassuring point of view 🔥🔥🔥

[Deleted Member]

23 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

Where to start,firstly to say you are far from alone with your internal battles.Many of us carry issues,wounds,scars,baggage that a sometimes tough world can cause. One of the  main issues for me as far as combating mental health is the stigma attached to it and reluctance to admit and discuss. Posts such as this help so much as they encourage discussion and debate. For me keeping it all inside I have learned is the worst thing to do but as a man the expected action, that however is another thread entirely. Talking is the key, opening the subject, debating but most of all letting others know they are not alone.As Eyem says about the Venn diagram I would place myself in the centre of the overlap and think a lot in this community would be joining us. Posts like this I think help all learn a little but really can make the difference for someone who may be having similar experiences to the ones you sadly experienced.You mention the word "shame", it's when we don't learn,repeat the same mistakes that's when shame comes Into it,not one of us is perfect and I'm pretty sure most of us have carried our fair share, again you are far from alone.

Thanks Donny. 

If we talk about anything, I'd really like to talk about shame. 

I was ashamed of the situations I got into. My fault, my weaknesses, my stupidity. And shame kept me rooted in place, stopped me seeking help. 

Shame always makes us feel small and dirty. We blame ourselves. I'm all about taking responsibility but at some point you have to practice self-forgiveness in order to release shame. 

[Deleted Member]

but at some point you have to practice self-forgiveness in order to release shame

And that is the hardest part. Its much easier to forgive others than it is yourself. Some will carry shame all their lives like a weight around their neck. Its not so easy to release sometimes.

[Pl****]

MsWhiteRose,

Thank you for having the courage to share your story.

Everyone has a past and some demons and skeletons that come along with it. You have to do what is right and feels right for you. But you should also not deny yourself something out of ***. Continue to be brave and seek help if you feel you need it or are willing to put the time into tackling some of those demons and skeletons with a licensed professional. 💞

[Deleted Member]

And repeating things, @Donnykinkster, that's just human. It's how learning occurs. That might sound like a simplification but we are such complex beings. The human experience is really about repeating things, lifetime after lifetime, until the collective *** evolves. We all have to go together. 

Shame keeps us stuck in place. We are supposed to forgive, no matter how many times we didn't learn the lesson. 

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

but at some point you have to practice self-forgiveness in order to release shame

And that is the hardest part. Its much easier to forgive others than it is yourself. Some will carry shame all their lives like a weight around their neck. Its not so easy to release sometimes.

@Donnykinksternothing worth doing is easy 

[Deleted Member]

4 minutes ago, Playfully_Curious said:

MsWhiteRose,

Thank you for having the courage to share your story.

Everyone has a past and some demons and skeletons that come along with it. You have to do what is right and feels right for you. But you should also not deny yourself something out of ***. Continue to be brave and seek help if you feel you need it or are willing to put the time into tackling some of those demons and skeletons with a licensed professional. 💞

Thanks Playfully. It was a counsellor who helped me at the time. I also received support from the community mental health team and social services. It's not always easy to access support services but they are there. 

[Deleted Member]

35 minutes ago, Firewitch said:

So brave to speak out Rose, so much truth and ***. Its the experience of so many here and working through it and making sense of it is "the journey" is where the joy and peace must be found. I'm so proud to call you my friend,  you're strong,  beautiful and brave 💜👑💜

Thank you, love. It feels good to feel strong. 

[Fo****]

I've been love bombed myself, still trying to get myself over the fact that it's not my fault, but im still scared of him even though I'm out of the situation

[Deleted Member]

Just now, FoxieSenpai said:

I've been love bombed myself, still trying to get myself over the fact that it's not my fault, but im still scared of him even though I'm out of the situation

Thank you for speaking up @FoxieSenpai. Are you safe? 

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, Playfully_Curious said:

Continue to be brave and seek help if you feel you need it or are willing to put the time into tackling some of those demons and skeletons with a licensed professional. 💞

In my experience professionals help you through the darker times,  it doesn't make it go away or fix it. Talking about it so openly shows the length and growth within that journey to date and in my view demands utmost respect 🔥🔥🔥

[De****]

I’ve been where you were and I’ve been where you are now. I know how easy it is to get in to that kind of relationship and how hard it is to get out. Just...big hugs and know it will get better ❤️ Xx

[Deleted Member]

It’s hard to read this. I recognise some things. I was gaslighted for many years. But nothing compared to what has happened to you MsWhiteRose. I don’t think you’d be unsafe to play with - I think the most dangerous people aside from ***rs are those who know nothing about themselves. Those who haven’t done the work to figure out why they want what they want. Who haven’t engaged with others and has the conversations about kink, about boundaries about vulnerability. I don’t think you’re one of those people. And what I really like about this site is that so many on it are prepared to be open and share. That helps so much. And in turn I think we then try to talk to others who might need some help. The conversations I’ve had with what others might consider perverts 🤣 - some of the most honest, revealing, insightful conversations I’ve had.

[ca****]

 

Great thread - well done Rose for talking of your issues.....   i feel the mental health side of things and resultant behaviours (of the ***r and / or the ***d) - is always something that has to be good when it is aired.

It surprised me at how many people (generally woman as i talk with them) - who have some form of this as part of their experience or upbringing  - to the point now where i almost 'expect' it.  Suggest to me there is some kinda link.....  ?

As someone who has suffered with mental health issues for a lot of my life.. and only discovered it much later in life - i fully 'resonate' with how stuff can happen that doesnt seem to make sense or goes on unknown.  Took me many years of professional counselling to just become aware of (one part of myself) and learn about my upbringing and how that had had an affect on me and probably will do sofor all my life... to some degree....  

I would endorse if you feel you are struggling or in that cycle and cant kick out / on form it - have a look at some counselling - 'hope' for a good counsellor (make sure you are OK with them) .........   for me it gave me a spark of awareness of myself that has changed a lot of how i see myslef.  

 

I could go on..

But yeah discuss it, i see great and varied advice above ... but also consider pro counselling - it takes time but allows yo to undertsand, face and potentially deal with ..some issues.

[Wo****]

Is there a link?

I'd say yes, often there is.

I've long known that my masochism is my way of releasing emotional ***, as is my writing, its a catharicsm.

I hated who i was. Bdsm helped me examine who i really was, i could drop the facade, stop trying to "fit in" 

I found good friends that were honest with me, brutally so at times. I discovered that i could be me, that i was worth something, that i could just be me and people liked me because of who i was and i didn't need to be a character.

I gained confidence, for the first time in my life i am happy with what i have, who i am.

 

I was absolutely at the bottom of a deep hole, digging deeper and blaming everyone for not pulling  me out. Bdsm taught me that you get what you put in, you attract similar mindsets so i stopped digging and stated climbing. I slipped, a lot, but all the time i kept climbing out of that hole, people helped me up out of it.

 

In this last year, especially the last few months, my life has transformed. 

Bdsm has given me the strength to be honest about who i am, what's shaped me, i've acknowlegded my ***s, my insecurities, got through them, learnt so many life lessons.

 

My mental health was fragile, to put it mildly, bdsm gave me, gives me, a framework. My friendships with fellow kinksters and my relationship with Pirate changed my life. 

 

So yeah, there's a definite link for me.

My mental health has improved, i stopped being a "victim" and my life is full of love, laughter and hope.

[Ky****]

@LazyPiratesBounty that's how it is for me too, masochism as a release from emotional *** with the addition of helping me sort out gender based issues as well, and since I've admitted this, ok only to a small number in vitro but to the world on here, I'm feeling much happier and at ease with myself, even to the extent of putting trans on job application equality monitoring forms

[Deleted Member]

Me. white Rose. Well said on all accounts. I’ve been a victim of all of the above. Unfortunately repeadly as in compulsion to repeat. With the next and next and next. Of course it all began with my father. Physical and psychological. Now my last long term relationship was the worst psychological/mental/verbal *** that I’ve ever had. He was definitely every inch of the word sociopath. He would do his *** in such a way that it made one feel as if they are going crazy. Like you question yourself repeatedly as to is this really happening or worse yet you start to believe him. Another horrible horrible piece to this puzzle is that it is almost impossible to prove this. When I tried to get a PFA because he had threatened my life so often I was terrified that he’d follow through with it. When my case finally came up I was practically laughed out of the courtroom! He also financially and socially hostage. That’s if you were wondering “why does she stay” truthfully I had no where to go as he had moved me to a state far away from family. I eventually was able to find a pro bono attorney that saved my life. The thing is I did ask for help from church, agencies etc but it was not available! I am happily single now and dabble in this lifestyle. I don’t compare it with any of my life experiences. This is purely pleasure and that was undecidedly hell on earth. My final statement is this. Alcohol was all of their thing. Yes starting all of the way back with my father. I’m a non drinker non drug user etc. but there isn’t room for alcohol in any relationship at least where I’m coming from.

[FoxRevontulet]

Well said Rose, you are such a strong woman and Im glad I get to talk to amazing people like you who have been through a lot and yet will bare your scars if it means to also help others

[LostAndFoundGiGi]

I'm not where you are yet, and maybe I'll never be... but having an open dialogue regarding specifically *mental health and trauma vs BDSM* is SO important and I'm grateful to you for bringing it forward! Thank you*
If it's any consolation, because of what you've been through you've, in that way, been able to help others... others here, others in this community and I'm sure in life.
Thank you for that also.