How do I make my sub understand?

[Po****]

My sub really wants to start shoving objects up his ass but he’s never played with his ass before. I tried explaining to him that he has to loosen his hole first before anything other than fingers can go inside, otherwise it’s not going to feel good. How do I get him to understand this before he winds up injuring himself?

[bb****]

He should be listening to what you say maybe oil him up back there make him bend over and start with your fingers. Then move on too bigger objects until he is gaping. Then fuck his ass

[To****]

I would suggest giving him tasks which are more up to his level. So, he *has* to take it slow. Involving the training as part of the play can be quite fun. Maybe this way it will seem more compelling to him. Otherwise, if he tries it and fails he might realise he has to start slow anyway.

[x2****]

They are your Sub, you want to make them understand use your established rewards and punishments.
Or use butt plugs and make it a task. Start with the small plug and make them keep it in for as period of time . If they do good , rewards and praise them, and then the same task use a slighter bigger plug and so and so on.
Or the opposite tell them straight NO and withdraw any attention on the topic until they willing do as instructed .

[dr****]

Just shove it in if he doesn't want to listen

[Deleted Member]

Explain that porn isn’t instructional, and leaves out a lot of steps that aren’t considered arousing to their target audience.
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There are instructional videos, though: the first “Bend Over Boyfriend” or a beginner video from Nina Hartley’s series. Perhaps assigning one of those would help?
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Somewhere online there’s a live-blog from a guy who lost an actively buzzing vibrator up his ass, during which he detailed his hospital visit. That one would probably help to rein*** the importance of using objects with flared bases.
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Good luck!

[On****]

There are so many resources and guides online for proper anal training online. You're not wrong in you're concern for your subs well being and wish for that to be a careful and positive experience

[ey****]

I feel it's a bit worrying here if he is not listening to what you are telling him

this suggests both a lack of respect in both you, and in kink in general

I think the issue here is wider than just his reckless attempts at play.  You may need to sit down and say that if he's not going to listen to guidance and research safe ways of doing things, with you - then they dynamic is flawed.

[ra****]

you sub, is losing it on the first point of submission, to submit to what you say

[la****]

Just snap on some sexy skin tight perfect fit latex gloves and message him help him relax. If you make it feel good he will probably relax. Use some 420 lube.

[sl****]

Yep what they said a sub is supposed to listen to his mistress and lean on her to be his safety net and what allows him to explore in first place should be your position. I can say as a split personality where one half of me is a Dom n the other half is very subby

[Deleted Member]

Maybe review RACK (Risk-aware consensual kink) with him? It highlights that there is risk involved with any play, some are just more or less safe than others. When I highlight anal play I discuss everything from minor fissures/tears to medical intervention due to prolapse, perforation, lodged foreign objects. People typically want to avoid emergency medical treatment because a shampoo bottle is stuck in their rectum. Google visual aids are extremely helpful too. Good luck with your stubborn ass!

[ze****]

While it's great that you're cautious, as long as they aren't trying to jump to a 2" diameter toy, you can start with tapered plugs or dildos/massagers on the thinner side with zero "loosening up". It will still be enjoyable as long as you don't just ram something there. The rectum doesn't permanently lose elasticity without some really unsafe practices.

Just explain what kind of toys he needs to use. There are many prostate wands that are designed for people with zero experience and are very affordable.

I'm not saying you should do something you are uncomfortable with, but from the post there isn't enough context to discern the size you are referencing. If he is wanting to jump right on a 1 1/2" toy, then yea that isn't safe without a longer session and a lot of lube.

I don't want to come off as dismissive of your concern, but some more detail for size reference would be helpful.

[Po****]

Thanks everyone for your advice!😊 In the end I did have to punish him and told him to do some research and practice first.

[Th****]

Or you could teach him a lesson and buy a king Kong super donate 2ft long

[Deleted Member]

He should listen to you first and foremost. If he can't even listen and follow simple commands, he might be more of a bottom and a submissive. A lot of bottoms think they are submissives because they want people to do things to do, but they don't exactly want to follow or even listen to orders.

[Po****]

3 hours ago, zer0boy said:

While it's great that you're cautious, as long as they aren't trying to jump to a 2" diameter toy, you can start with tapered plugs or dildos/massagers on the thinner side with zero "loosening up". It will still be enjoyable as long as you don't just ram something there. The rectum doesn't permanently lose elasticity without some really unsafe practices.

Just explain what kind of toys he needs to use. There are many prostate wands that are designed for people with zero experience and are very affordable.

I'm not saying you should do something you are uncomfortable with, but from the post there isn't enough context to discern the size you are referencing. If he is wanting to jump right on a 1 1/2" toy, then yea that isn't safe without a longer session and a lot of lube.

I don't want to come off as dismissive of your concern, but some more detail for size reference would be helpful.

I told him to start off with a finger but he wants to go right in and start shoving any old house hold object in there. I mean Hot but I also don’t want him to traumatize himself especially since our dynamic is online, so I can’t exactly be there in person to make sure everything is good.

[lukaspot]

Tell him that anal play is all about patience and preparation, rushing in is a one-way ticket to pa*in. His ass needs to relax and warm up first, which means starting with fingers, tons of lube, and gentle stretching. Once he’s comfortably taking two or three fingers, then he can graduate to small toys. The key is listening to his body: if it hurts, he’s going too fast. But if he takes his time, he’ll unlock sensations that’ll blow his mind. Maybe even suggest a training plug kit, slow progression is the difference between ‘oh fuck yes’ and ‘oh fuck, I’m stuck.’

Edited May 21, 2025 by lukaspot

[Deleted Member]

It’s not his ass, it’s yours. You get to decide.
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You can explain that his body if there to serve you, him damaging it is an insult to you as he is breaking your possession.
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Tell him to look after your things and treat them with respect, and the only person who is allowed to break your things is you
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You’ll put whatever the fvck you want up his ass (within your dynamic’s predefined limits) when you want. And if he doesn’t obey you you might put absolutely nothing up there at all as punishment.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, Griot said:

Somewhere online there’s a live-blog from a guy who lost an actively buzzing vibrator up his ass, during which he detailed his hospital visit. That one would probably help to rein*** the importance of using objects with flared bases.

It appears to be against to rules to post actually links here despite the option in the editing bar, but I found the title of the article: "Guy livetweets hospital trip with a vibrating dildo stuck in his butt." It only seems to exist archived by the Internet Wayback Machine.

[Deleted Member]

Let him feel the ***, when he says it hurts, you can tell him that you can ease the ***. But he will have to do it exactly the way you tell him to.

[Da****]

Let them hurt it. They will learn that way if they do not wish to follow your very good advice

[ey****]

Just kinda, I've got a little twitch

there's a lot of good advice and suggestions on this thread

but also some frankly terrible advice from folk who really need to rethink their own understanding on kink and BDSM

So, here goes...  (I mean, apart from the fact the OP already said it's a distance relationship)

Anal/Ass play is a lot of fun - but like a lot of things in kink carries risk.  It is important that folk understand this risk before shoving things up their arse.  

The whole kinda "fuck around and find out" approach is reckless - so any suggestion of oversized toys, folk suggesting that should be ashamed.  There's risks of damage to all parts of the rectal system - aside from *** or discomfort, things like ruptured colon can be quite serious.  Like, life threateningly serious. Like 30% of people do not survive, serious.

This is also similar with household objects that are not meant to go up there - they carry again the risk to damaging insides, the risk of infection and - of course, anything that goes in and then doesn't come up -- at best case scenario involves an embarassing trip to A&E - yes, they've seen it all before - this doesn't make it ok.

 

It looks from comments above that the OP is getting somewhere - but this is presumably a grown adult she is dealing with and really, guys should be knowing better here - it shouldn't need a punishment or extra talk or other attention seeking crap - and it does concern me how many more daft ideas said sub will have.

 

[Deleted Member]

this can’t be a real post. Is he lacking common sense??? Is he severely disabled??

[co****]

Buy a butt plug set and gage him! make him keep it in then pag him to make him feel good and get him a man to deliver a huge load deep in side then plug him and make him soak it in