How to fail at meeting women on Fet and how we women go from giving a duck to not.

[Deleted Member]

I've sent spanks, while actually reviewing profiles, but it seems that when liking photos, sent spanks show up, even though I never sent a spank through the profile.

[Deleted Member]

That's why I assumed that, what I thought was liking a pic, was actually sending a spank.

[BigPolly]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

you mean

the spank function?

Weirdly I never react to the Spanks. I like that someone has noticed me but then I always feel in limbo as they haven’t liked me enough to actually approach me (probably read my profile & blocked me 😂)

[Deleted Member]

A lot of times, I'll like pics on a profile and send a spank to leave it to the other member to check my profile and contact me, if there's any interest on their part.

[Je****]

The quick kink part does show up as an X or a heart...which is a pass or a spank. Whether you pass or spank using this feature it still leaves a view on the persons profile even if they haven't actually viewed the profile. And if viewing a profile and the spank is sent I see this as a "I'm going to spank you in the hope you check me out, if you spank me back then I'll possibly take that as a mutual interest and I can then approach...." or if the spank isn't mutally returned then it's a "ahh they don't see me the same, move on" kind of thing. It's kind of a sending out the feelers silently in the hope of a match, than messaging and being ignored kind of thing.

[Phoenyx]

Of course, "spanks" are only available to paid members.  Those of us who have "free" memberships, are blocked from seeing who sent a "spank".  So, there is no way to reply.

[ey****]

just as a little spoiler
 

I'm going through my spanks now 

A big chunk of them are a continent away - I'm not going to do any further digging on most of those.

A fair few of the others that seem closer, when I click through they are either being verified or have been booted from the site

One has a completely blank profile and I'm a little bit suspect on

One I can see in what they're looking for I don't fit the bill

Another DID interest me and we have been messaging but this is currently left on read - I'm not sure if she's too busy or no longer interested or one of those things.  But this is one person out of pages.
So; of the pros and cons of paid membership "who spanked me" is a bit... meh

 

Which might go against my previous comment

 

Saying that - a generic 'icebreaker' message is no real difference and to the recipient is going to feel like the minimum effort.   If anything it then puts work onto the other person;  "I saw your profile and would like to chat, please check me out and chat if interested" is expecting, in exchange for your minimum effort, someone to then check out your profile, make a decision, try to see if there's anything go off and initiate the conversation they know they're probably going to be carrying.

I mean, if you'd like to chat, what about?  

[Deleted Member]

Interests, kinks, what exactly you're looking for (if it's not on the profile), get a feel for personality, background info. Rather than just a , "Hi, I can eat you out for hours," or "My dick is the size of a firehouse."

[Deleted Member]

Admittedly, most dms that I get start off with “what a fine sex doll frame you have” or “I would love to fuck you” or “I would love to have you serve me” etc.
Most of these get a scathing retort. If they continue along the lines of “I’m just talking about your potential”, I’m just like. Excuse you?
People in general tend to forget that as people online are not kink dispensaries. I often get treated this way because I’m clear about my likes dislikes and boundaries. If I can genuinely connect with a person - enough to be able to talk about their daily life and things they get upto, I’m honestly far more interested in meeting them (not to mention more likely to trust them) than someone who’s more interested in my kinks or a duck basically.
Funnily enough, it was after talking to a few doms (actual caring genuine doms) that I was able to cut out toxic ones in my dms. I remember feeling pressured to move into another site/sharing photos when I really wasn’t comfortable doing so.
And when I mentioned it to one of the doms I was speaking to, he said if I was uncomfortable with it, it would be monstrous on his part to demand it considering I don’t want it.
It was such a strange really? Moment. It also reassured me that my boundaries were valid and came from the right place.
Nonetheless, it’s strange that many people in the anonymity of the internet seem to have forgotten how to communicate, connect and actually just care for another human being.

[Deleted Member]

This is a thing?  This really happens?  I think online makes it too easy to say things you wouldn't say in real life.  It's a double edged sword really, one side, you have time to think about an appropriate message/response on the other it becomes too contrived, too fantasy,  and it's not something you'd say in person if you met a club, because in person you need to think and react and answer in a short time.  

Imagine greeting someone at a bar and then they just run off and an hour later they come back and have a response

In person I think weeds out this type of person you allude to, well maybe 99% of the time, there's still that one person that has no filter...

 

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, Lameculos said:

This is a thing?  This really happens?  I think online makes it too easy to say things you wouldn't say in real life.  It's a double edged sword really, one side, you have time to think about an appropriate message/response on the other it becomes too contrived, too fantasy,  and it's not something you'd say in person if you met a club, because in person you need to think and react and answer in a short time.  

Imagine greeting someone at a bar and then they just run off and an hour later they come back and have a response

In person I think weeds out this type of person you allude to, well maybe 99% of the time, there's still that one person that has no filter...

 

Its a thing

[Phoenyx]

18 hours ago, Lameculos said:

This is a thing?  This really happens?  I think online makes it too easy to say things you wouldn't say in real life.

Apparently, it is.  There have been many discussions on this list, about offensive pick-up lines being sent in personal messages.  Things are said, that would normally (in IRL) get one slapped, or a drink thrown in the face.  I don't think it's the anonymity, as much as the "safety" of virtual contact.  It's like the difference between piloting a combat drone, and actually being in the cockpit.  Though guys tend to make up the majority of offenders, women have been known to do this too.  In the latter case, this mostly comes in the form of unwanted gynecological pics.

There is also, or course, the problem of "scammers".  These parasites have made it difficult to tell who is real, and who is not---further eroding any possibility of trust.

I agree---the best use of a forum like this, is to learn of local events and venues.  Face-to-face interaction does weed-out 99% of the BS, while also avoiding the potential pitfalls of an LDR.

[BadDesires]

Thanks for the insightful post. I like the fun way you present what is also a common serious issue. Sorry and sad to know how out if control this is.
I also can't help but self reflect when reading posts like this. I know I've been guilty of making some of these mistakes in the past. I worry I'm still falling into some of these traps even though I don't want to. Hopefully I'm getting better but always appreciate pointers if it's going to help everyone feel better in the long run.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, BadDesires said:

I also can't help but self reflect when reading posts like this. I know I've been guilty of making some of these mistakes in the past. I worry I'm still falling into some of these traps even though I don't want to. Hopefully I'm getting better but always appreciate pointers if it's going to help everyone feel better in the long run.

Growth is good.

Most of us have made some form of mistakes in the past - and it's important not to be defined by those and look to improve.

[Deleted Member]

On 9/24/2021 at 1:32 PM, CopperKnob said:

Thanks to all, either side if the slash for making this what it was not, a bickering/whinging post. The stark reality is as follows
There IS a percentage of males here that send unsolicited messages. All excerpts are from messages i've truly received
Are there females who do the same? Probably, but I write about my experience, not those of others
Do these types of messages cause females to be sceptical of any male sending a message? Yes we are
Do the genuine males here get a rough deal because of their dodgy counterparts because of it? Yes they do
Do the genuine females here get a rough deal because we get disheartened by it all? Yes we do
It any of it fair? No its not
Is it reality? Yes it is

BUT
Don't blame the chicken when the egg came first, blame the males that have created the situation and don't come at me when i'm writing a satirical post, essentially laughing about the situation
If i wanted to call specific people out I would in a private message, thats not what this post was about
BUT
If its hit a nerve so much so that you need to write obnoxious posts, maybe have a think about what you can do to change facts

Well said 

[Deleted Member]

Ha! You go girl. Im pretty sure that's the funniest, and without a doubt, the most accurate statement written that I've seen on this less than expected sight. And I'm a dude! I wonder how many of my gender read it, and are still walking around days and weeks later mumbling to themselves in public "What did she mean by that?" Lol.
Also, I would like to thank you for your observations on both the written and spoken word. I too believe that a word articulated in the moment and with the context for which it was derived, delivered with the passion and emotion of that particular moment, can be as erotic as the warm breath, only inches from the back of your neck that feed the bellows of your pulse heightening all your physical and emotional senses to a plain that releases inside a roar and free's the desire for more!!
Yep, Im all for the erotic word. Lol. Im also a big fan of the squirting orgasm that you mentioned as well. Thanks Copper, you've raised the bar at fet. Well done!

[Dancingbear225]

I can definitely see the point about jumping in to bed posts. I think with this lifestyle trust is integral between a Dom and a sub. The sub has to feel protected, cared for, as well as desired. The sub also has to respect and admire the Dom. This takes a level of communication well beyond, "Hey, ya wanna?". I do have a question about my online name and number. The name is actually a nickname I got from a friend's mom when I was a kid. The number has no meaning other than it allows me to use dancingbear. 

[Glitch-5338]

I have to kind of agree with giovanni. Hope I spelt your name right dude. Apologies if not. I will happily pay for a site. However I do so on the understanding that a woman will at least respond to a message. Ofyen times I will send a message just saying "hi why dont we chat sometime? Start a conversation. Maybe get to know eachother a little" That sort of thing. Do I get a response? Nope. Not even a " Hi sorry Im not interested. " Just blatent ignorance. They look at your profile and then nothing. I mean sure ok maybe I am not what your looking for. Seriously help a guy out where is he going wrong. I mean you have not even given the guy a chance. You just Ignore him. At least start a conversation. If you dont like after a couple of messages then tell him. geeese. Ducks or no Ducks. Men are human too you know they have feelings especially the good ones trying to get noticed amongst the players and wannabes you mentioned in the original post. Whats a bloke gotta do.

[ey****]

there's stuff that sucks - but there is stuff that until you understand you will never gain growth

there's a whole bunch of reason why women don't reply your messages.  One main one being they're not obliged to.

So you know they read their message, you know they looked at your profile - no response? Then you know they're probably not interested.

To except a reply is "Hey, I messaged you therefore you owe me a response" even though they never asked you to message them.  For feedback it becomes "In fact, not only do you owe me a response - you owe me an explanation of why you're not interested"

It should, in your case, be obvious why you are not getting a response. You have NO profile.  What is anyone supposed to say? 

While the idea of being given at least a chance is obviously understandable, it is still translating to "I messaged you - therefore you owe me at least a conversation" - and they don't.

It's really not that difficult to put some effort in when you're trying to interest someone enough to at least message you back

[CopperKnob]

The other thing to consider is, it's actually awkward as hell to write/send someone a 'not interested' reply.
That's without even considering the potential for the instigator to send a really rude/obnoxious response back once they've been turned down and yep, that happens not always, but a lot, completely unnecessarily.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

The other thing to consider is, it's actually awkward as hell to write/send someone a 'not interested' reply.
That's without even considering the potential for the instigator to send a really rude/obnoxious response back once they've been turned down and yep, that happens not always, but a lot, completely unnecessarily.

Silence and/or indifference should tell them what they need to know.

[Glitch-5338]

Well its clear from your comments right now that I am coming at this from a really different perspective as anyone else. I thought this was a site to meet and chat and not neccessarily get amy further involved. I dont expect a response. You would think however after a few messages you might have gotten a little bite. even if it were to just 1 message saying they were not interested. Yes I dont think that is too diffocult at all. Again coming from a logical stand point. Is this not the reason there is a block or report button on such a site. If someone starts being rude etc in their responses to being told no. Then surely reporting them would be better for the site. I mean I dont actually know what happens to those who are reported. One would assume they would eventually be weeded out of the site. Thus making it a little more possible to actually meet like minded people. I message women in search of a conversation. No promises of ever meeting or doing anything. I dont ignore the possibility. However I dont set out with meeting being the only thing in mind. As for not having a profile. Im not sure what you mean. Except maybe My profile has nothing of interest. Well simply put im relatively new to the online stuff. Up until now my experiences have been purely physical world. I dont share the past relations online I feel that they are private to both me and those I was with previously. I dont apologise for not having a profile I am still finding my way in this world as are many others like me. Please do elaborate/Give insight on how I might improve my profile. So that I might start getting responses. Its all fine and dandy you sitting there saying I obviously dont have a profile. I am better face to face with people. I dont like hiding behind a screen. Yet here I am trying to make it work as it apparently has some benefits. 

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, Glitch-5338 said:

Well its clear from your comments right now that I am coming at this from a really different perspective as anyone else. I thought this was a site to meet and chat and not neccessarily get amy further involved. I dont expect a response. You would think however after a few messages you might have gotten a little bite. even if it were to just 1 message saying they were not interested. Yes I dont think that is too diffocult at all. Again coming from a logical stand point. Is this not the reason there is a block or report button on such a site. If someone starts being rude etc in their responses to being told no. Then surely reporting them would be better for the site. I mean I dont actually know what happens to those who are reported. One would assume they would eventually be weeded out of the site. Thus making it a little more possible to actually meet like minded people. I message women in search of a conversation. No promises of ever meeting or doing anything. I dont ignore the possibility. However I dont set out with meeting being the only thing in mind. As for not having a profile. Im not sure what you mean. Except maybe My profile has nothing of interest. Well simply put im relatively new to the online stuff. Up until now my experiences have been purely physical world. I dont share the past relations online I feel that they are private to both me and those I was with previously. I dont apologise for not having a profile I am still finding my way in this world as are many others like me. Please do elaborate/Give insight on how I might improve my profile. So that I might start getting responses. Its all fine and dandy you sitting there saying I obviously dont have a profile. I am better face to face with people. I dont like hiding behind a screen. Yet here I am trying to make it work as it apparently has some benefits. 

When you get a leaflet drop from Domino's, but you just don't fancy a pizza, do you call them up, thank them for the leaflet and say thanks but no thanks?
When the charities pop their clothes bags through your letter box, do you put it on your doorstep on the collection day with a note saying, thanks for offering to take my junk but i dont have any this week?
I suspect that you do neither. s-types not responding to messages is no different

[ey****]

3 hours ago, Glitch-5338 said:

Well its clear from your comments right now that I am coming at this from a really different perspective as anyone else. I thought this was a site to meet and chat and not neccessarily get amy further involved. I dont expect a response. You would think however after a few messages you might have gotten a little bite. even if it were to just 1 message saying they were not interested. Yes I dont think that is too diffocult at all. Again coming from a logical stand point. Is this not the reason there is a block or report button on such a site. If someone starts being rude etc in their responses to being told no. Then surely reporting them would be better for the site. I mean I dont actually know what happens to those who are reported. One would assume they would eventually be weeded out of the site. Thus making it a little more possible to actually meet like minded people. I message women in search of a conversation. No promises of ever meeting or doing anything. I dont ignore the possibility. However I dont set out with meeting being the only thing in mind. As for not having a profile. Im not sure what you mean. Except maybe My profile has nothing of interest. Well simply put im relatively new to the online stuff. Up until now my experiences have been purely physical world. I dont share the past relations online I feel that they are private to both me and those I was with previously. I dont apologise for not having a profile I am still finding my way in this world as are many others like me. Please do elaborate/Give insight on how I might improve my profile. So that I might start getting responses. Its all fine and dandy you sitting there saying I obviously dont have a profile. I am better face to face with people. I dont like hiding behind a screen. Yet here I am trying to make it work as it apparently has some benefits. 

So OK.

If you are better face to face.  Go to a munch. Go to events.

Use this to meet people, to enrich your knowledge to gain some experience - and while they're not places where it's a certainty to hook up - you are getting what you want, conversation. You are also then able to excel where you do best.

For online. Obviously not everyone wants a profile picture but those who have one tend to have slightly better results.  People often like to feel they know who they're talking to.   And your actual profile it doesn't have to be war and peace or talk about prior relationships.  Just a few lines.  A basic "I am a [dynamic] [gender] from area.   I am hoping to have conversations with [desired person].    My interests in kink are [interests] and I also enjoy [fave TV/books/films/hobbies]" - it's then at least something.   

Like I do get it can be frustrating, but almost like "In writing this I am asking the other person to give up some of their day to check my profile out and write me back.  What can I do to demonstrate this is worthwhile?" 

On different bad behaviours - like, obviously "Hey I'm not interested" / "Fuck you slut!" is easy to kinda solve from a report.   But it's not the only negative behaviour.  If someone replies "I'm not interested" then almost ANY further response to that is a bad behaviour from the "Please, I just want a chance" to the "I'm looking for feedback, can you tell me why" because it's still trying to drain someone's time who has said no - but reporting someone for saying "I just want some feedback" seems a bit harsh, no?

[Sophie58]

September 24, 2021, CopperKnob said:

GUYS, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY!!

It was fucking hilarious! I especially love the grammar comment, I do indeed get wet when I see “you’re” instead of “your”… makes me all gooey inside. Thanks for the post CK!