Facepalm

[Xris]

My partner (dom) and I have been into bdsm for a few years now. I am more into it than he is, I never pressured him to adopt it but its something hes clearly got further into for me. I never really wanted it that way, I of course want somebody who enjoys it as much as I do. But weve talked a lot about that concern from me and he initiates anyway so. 

He likes to do things on his own accord. He doesnt like gear bc it feels too fake and ***d. So he likes to use random crap he finds around the house. Im fine w this but its definitely a different level of trust. 

I feel he has been a little irresponsible in terms of determining things and positions that hurt (not put me in danger) but put me beyond my threshold. I had to stop him today from a position that was beyond what I could take on my back. 

He stopped and released me, he was cumming at the time I guess and came on the floor. Now hes upset because he prefers to cum inside me. And said he didnt have fun when I said sorry still fun though. (I didnt cum at all yet! He knows this I was just trying to be positive). 

So now im just super annoyed and we are in a fight about it because I feel like you dont get to have control if you get upset when I communicate and need to change something. And I feel like I cant trust him to look out for my body. Which is rough considering im blind most of the time and cant backseat drive in any capacity. 

Idk just frustrated. Looking for someone to tell me im right or wrong here. I dont doubt it sucks to be interrupted while youre literally cumming i know it does, but to be a little bitch about it after really has me pissed off. 

 

 

[Co****]

People conflate Dominance with emotional aggression. He needs to take a step back, evaluate what your needs are vs his and approach the dynamic with a level head.

[Deleted Member]

The very fact that you refer to him as "a little Bitch" screams volumes that you are about as Sub as he is Dom.

[MsDrawers]

His gratification isn't more important than your safety and comfort, quite the other way around. If he was more invested in BDSM he would, perhaps, think more about risk and the potential for doing damage by not attending to your safety. So he was cumming. If he's that bothered he should have determined you were comfortable first. His priorities are fucked and griping about it afterwards is ridiculous. Communication is key.

[Deleted Member]

I would recommend inserting random stuff you find in the house in his ass.

[EmilyDDD]

A good Dom cares about their sub, and will typically set a scene appropriately for them. If you used your safe word, it should have been ok.

It seems that both of you need to communicate better. Those are my 2 cents.

[GenuineDom81]

I agree with concurforsir, emotional aggression is a form of bullying, and it sounds like he doesn't truly grasp the mentality of being dominant. It sounds like it's just not his thing but he's trying to please you , and getting aggravated and annoyed that he can't please his woman properly

[Co****]

8 minutes ago, GenuineDom81 said:

I agree with concurforsir, emotional aggression is a form of bullying, and it sounds like he doesn't truly grasp the mentality of being dominant. It sounds like it's just not his thing but he's trying to please you , and getting aggravated and annoyed that he can't please his woman properly

This

[Deleted Member]

This is problematic, a few red flags pop up in your recounting here. Why is he into this? Does he *** losing you? Does he *** it will push you away and alter dynamics, does he *** you might explore elsewhere? That needs to be assessed. If he is not I to it he likely cannot be entirely trusted to have done the whole rigorous thinking and assessment of toys, objects, positions etc that you are in every way rightfully expecting. I see that as a huge problem. The fact that he complains and whines instead of aftercare is also a big no no, does he not care you get hurt, it can be anything from a team, pulled muscle, UTI or god knows what else and I am not even talking about the emotional and psychological distress and ***.

I don’t want to sound harsh and I have no idea on your background, but this while not a deal breaker yet really requires a solid discussion all the way to the roots, a clear exchange and debrief, and changes, immediate.

I hope you can work it out with him, safety is prime and above all else including his ego.

Stay safe ☺️

[Deleted Member]

Good evening. I have read your post three times and three issues make me uncomfortable. One is the random crap he uses? And the fact you don’t trust him with your body . Having a tantrum because he didn’t cum inside you when you are too uncomfortable with the position he put you in. I think you have the answer that you are looking for when you mentioned need to change something ?

[Ar****]

The fact that you were engaged in kink activity should have no bearing on this, what I'm about to day is true for vanilla sex too - if one partner is uncomfortable and needs it to stop it stops, and nobody else involved gets to gripe about it.

[Deleted Member]

It sounds like he is being physically dominant with you but isn't mentally & emotionally dominant & that he's doing it just for you but, from the sound of his reaction, he is focused on his sexual satisfaction & sounds like he's acting surly & self-centered about his pleasure & totally ignoring your pleasure.

It doesn't sound like he's really into it & gets frustrated, winging it as he goes along, using random crap he's familiar with & not bdsm & bondage because he doesn't really know what he's doing with it. Doesn't sound like he's got much concern for you, your safety or your pleasure & that's why you can't trust him, you know he's not really into it & don't feel safe with him doing things as he's winging it.

[Co****]

7 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

The fact that you were engaged in kink activity should have no bearing on this, what I'm about to day is true for vanilla sex too - if one partner is uncomfortable and needs it to stop it stops, and nobody else involved gets to gripe about it.

And this

[Matttster]

1. You say he is not into kink as much as you, but doing it for you. Some aspects of kink you can do half assed, but many things have the potential to cause harm. If he is not really into it, he may not be involved enough to do the appropriate research to ensure your safety.

2. His being more concerned about ejaculating inside of you than he is about your safety is not kink, it seems to be a sign. Regardless if you are being kinky or vanilla, caring about one’s partner should be paramount.

3. I understand you were arguing and upset when you wrote this. So once you are calm, maybe reassess. If he is treating you the way you talk about, regardless of how kinky you are, it may be time to back off and work on your relationship or reassess the relationship.

[Co****]

The one thing that’s cheered me up is knowing there’s good advice on this platform

[Jeckmansr]

When you say stop or the SafeWord in the case of BDSM then it’s time to stop it doesn’t matter what side of the coin you are.

[Wetwillie1949]

Get as far away from him as you can before he kills you. Master Willie

[Xris]

Welp its been a day or two since posting this. I'm new to this forum so unsure the proper way to reply to any and all of the advice here. Thanks to all who shared their insights. I know what is right and wrong in this situation and he clearly missed the mark. Had he said shit I got carried away, sorry. This whole ordeal might have been over with. But instead hes now been verbally abusing me for the last 24h. Not uncommon. We've been together almost 10 years and frankly, been involved with more bdsm in the last 2-3 years. He's not new enough to pretend this wasn't bs imo. As for any consideration for the type of "sub" I am, It's in the bedroom. No where else. I'm a genuine boss bitch business owner, entreprenuer, crypto/nft fiend, I do really well in all that I do. So when I call him a bitch, believe me when I say it pales in comparison to the things hes said and done to me in the last 24h. We're done.

[EmilyDDD]

Good for you for realizing that he's not behaving like a Dom, and doing what is right for you. Finding a good Dom is difficult, finding a "bully with a whip" as a Dom I know like to call them is incredibly common, and unfortunate.

I wish you all the best in l your endeavors 🙂

[Koby]

I think it will be useful to hear his POV.

For me....I reflect what is the purpose of BDSM. One step further....what is the purpose of a relationship.

There can only be three main answers -1) My Pleasure 2) Your Pleasure 3) Our Happiness 

For me, the  🔑 to a happy relationship Is  our mutual Happiness. The question is really, am I prepared to sacrifice my pleasure for the sake of our happiness?

Personally again, kinks are not more important than the overall relationship. If you are annoyed that your pleasure is interrupted by partner voicing discomfort then you have lost sight of the purpose of your relationship.

[Deleted Member]

Xris - You do what is good for you, and it sounds as you are taking the right steps. All the best to you for the future.