What a surprise!

[Jimmmy]

A week ago I met up with a guy on another site, after the obligatory 15 minutes of texting, which established that we had some mutual interests, followed by a phone call and video call, which led, 15 minutes later, to me going round to his place “for coffee”.

I’ll cut to the chase: an hour later he pounded me with my huge toys and fisted me. If my limit had been 10, he took me to 13 and I was left a little sore, to be honest! He later told me he was testing me, checking that I could put my money where my mouth is, and that I wasn’t wasting his time as so many had done previously. Well I passed the test… I didn’t experience climax from our play session, probably because I was a bit apprehensive and didn’t know the guy at all, but we both realised that we had similar interests and kinks, his from a dominant perspective and mine from a more submissive perspective, and that we would want to explore further in a subsequent meet. Actually, he worked me with such aplomb that I really can’t wait to be there again. Nobody else has ever done what he did to me. I saw the potential very quickly.

He had read my profile in full on the other site and I invited him to read my profile on here, which he did, in full. This was to give more insight into where I’m at in my wants/needs/kinks. My profile clearly says “I don’t want a lifestyle relationship. I won’t be your master/slave/Dom/sub/any other label”.

Well that didn’t bother Him one bit and He told me that that was how it was going to be from then onwards. My initial response was total rejection of that suggestion, but I was told to be quiet and that from now on I would do as I was told!

Well given that I’m happy being dominated in a “meet” scenario (I am usually the bottom sub in most circumstances), that was actually a big turn on. But I never for one minute would have imagined that I would ever submit myself to getting into a D/s “lifestyle” relationship. It’s just not my thing. But that’s where I’m at now. I can’t believe what’s happening to me, but perversely, I think I might actually like it!

So it’s been a week and my “Boss”, as He likes me to call Him, has set a number of tasks for his “boy”, as he calls me, to do. Some have been simple, some more challenging, but all activities, phone chat and texts have achieved one thing: control. Domination by Him and submission to Him by me. He’s had me make restraint kit, special toys and all sorts of really exciting kinky gear for our next encounter.

It’s all wildly exciting and a total departure from the norm for me, and I can’t understand how He has such control over me, that I willingly submit to, when I was only a few days ago so vehemently opposed to all this. Has anyone else experienced a similar wild swing in their own attitudes in such s situation? I’d be interested to hear others’ views.

 

 

 

 

[No****]

I do but wow after reading yours, mine was like amateur hour! Thank you for blessing us with this great story.

[Fen]

This is a gigantic red flag. The foundation of good BDSM is safe, sane, and consensual. The last part in particular means that subs are allowed to set their own limits. You can decide what you do or do not consent to, and no dom has the right to overstep that. Doing so shows that they do not respect you and quite frankly should not be trusted. A dom who ignores your bounds because they want something you did not consent to is a person who could threaten your wellbeing, who could become outright dangerous to you, emotionally or physically. You said you didn't want lifestyle. Even though he absolutely wanted lifestyle, he tried pursuing things with you. That's disrespectful, and frankly terrifying.

It's normal for many subs to be turned on by having their limits pushed, or being "forced" into things they don't want. There's a whole kink called consentual non-consent (CNC) for people who are turned on by the idea of being sexually assaulted. It's normal, but I assume there are good reasons you decided you didn't want a BDSM lifestyle. Don't let your libido override your sense.

My recommendation is to bail. It feels good now, but there are a lot of ways this could turn toxic or destructive to your life. It can be enjoyable to have a partner who disrespects you in play, but a partner who shows so little respect for you outside of it is dangerous.

[CopperKnob]

Don't let your kink brain override your logical brain. Please read up on sub frenzy and if like me you think, thats not happening to me' it is

[Deleted Member]

Agree with the comments made by Fen and CopperKnob. Sounds scary that your initial boundary of 'Not wanting a lifestyle relationship' has been eclipsed here. It may be good in the short term but further down the road it could turn ugly.  

Edited May 8, 2022 by Deleted Member

[Lo****]

I agree with the others on here. He’s ridden roughshod over your boundaries and he sounds dangerous.

[Deleted Member]

Wise words as always from copper knob.

[Deleted Member]

And pagan fella highlights a potential red flag.
Subs need to test potential Doms for their ability to respect boundaries.

[Ni****]

A Dom is supposed to care about their submissive, & take account of their needs and limits. From everything you've said he has absolutely no regard for you, your wellbeing, needs or limits; to him you are nothing more than a toy to be used exactly how he wants, with no regard to what you want, or how you feel about it. As others have said Red Flags galore !

[Deleted Member]

Figure out what you want without the influence of others then directly communicate it with a proper conversation. If they can’t respect you, then move along.

[Jimmmy]

8 hours ago, NotWhyButWhyNot said:

I do but wow after reading yours, mine was like amateur hour! Thank you for blessing us with this great story.

Well thank you! After your brief but encouraging message, there has been a cascade of “NO, NO, NO!”, as you can see on this thread. This is why I don’t post much on here. I had hoped for more objective assessments, rather than a lecture from some as to what is and isn’t right, in their opinion! An appreciation of the positives would have been a bit more upbuilding for me.

And thanks to some kind person, for telling me about the whole CNC kink. Like I didn’t know about that! Really?

Still, I’m only 53 and I’ve only been actively playing in the BDSM and kink scene for 31 years, so what the hell would I know?

Like many on this site, I too have met up with some complete fuckwits in the past, and I’ve had some encounters that have been quite forgettable. But I’m pleased to report that the vast majority have been incredible experiences that are memorable for all of the right reasons. I’ve never been injured, I’ve never been assaulted and I’ve never submitted to anything that I wasn’t prepared to tolerate, at least briefly, even if I wasn’t totally comfortable with it. I vet my playmates extremely carefully. This happens as a result of my rather niche profile that attracts interest from only those who are particularly interested in what I like, my insistence on speaking to people on the phone before I ever meet up with them in person and usually, at least some to and fro by text to establish likes, dislikes and mutual boundaries. The only way to progress beyond what you know is to have your boundaries pushed. The most dangerous people are those who say they have no limits. That’s just stupid and a lie. Everybody has limits. In all but the most extreme cases, it is the sub who really calls the shots, not the Dom.

But thanks to those many scared, timid or overly-cautious members on here who have given me massive warnings about it all. I’ll bear all that in mind, thank you.

[CopperKnob]

14 minutes ago, Jimmmy said:

Well thank you! After your brief but encouraging message, there has been a cascade of “NO, NO, NO!”, as you can see on this thread. This is why I don’t post much on here. I had hoped for more objective assessments, rather than a lecture from some as to what is and isn’t right, in their opinion! An appreciation of the positives would have been a bit more upbuilding for me.

And thanks to some kind person, for telling me about the whole CNC kink. Like I didn’t know about that! Really?

Still, I’m only 53 and I’ve only been actively playing in the BDSM and kink scene for 31 years, so what the hell would I know?

Like many on this site, I too have met up with some complete fuckwits in the past, and I’ve had some encounters that have been quite forgettable. But I’m pleased to report that the vast majority have been incredible experiences that are memorable for all of the right reasons. I’ve never been injured, I’ve never been assaulted and I’ve never submitted to anything that I wasn’t prepared to tolerate, at least briefly, even if I wasn’t totally comfortable with it. I vet my playmates extremely carefully. This happens as a result of my rather niche profile that attracts interest from only those who are particularly interested in what I like, my insistence on speaking to people on the phone before I ever meet up with them in person and usually, at least some to and fro by text to establish likes, dislikes and mutual boundaries. The only way to progress beyond what you know is to have your boundaries pushed. The most dangerous people are those who say they have no limits. That’s just stupid and a lie. Everybody has limits. In all but the most extreme cases, it is the sub who really calls the shots, not the Dom.

But thanks to those many scared, timid or overly-cautious members on here who have given me massive warnings about it all. I’ll bear all that in mind, thank you.

Im rather confused.
You've suggested that you're interested for other peoples views. You got them and we all got the backlash because you didn't like them?
Vetting playmates extremely carefully, i don't feel equates to 15mins of swapping text msgs followed by a 15min phone call before a meet. For new Doms/subs to feel that thats the case is potentially dangerous.
Those commenting here will have picked up on that and your statement that your boundaries were pushed past your (long standing and apparently very clearly expressed) limit(s)on the first meet. Again, potentially dangerous for those who are new to kink.
Your comment suggests you're of the view that stypes call the shots. Your OP doesn't indicate that you did so in this instance.
If you had provided context in your original OP perhaps you wouldn't be feeling that all you've received are negative responses 🤷‍♀️

[Jimmmy]

Thanks for your feedback  @CopperKnob, I’ll try to be clearer next time I post. 
I think that what I was trying to express was that I have found it very surprising that my supposedly long held opinions and attitudes were changed following a relatively brief introduction to, and subsequent encounter with, someone who clearly has had a very large influence upon me and my previously held ideals.

I was wondering if anybody else has experienced this kind of huge shift in their own perceptions, ideals, tolerances, likes and dislikes following a relatively brief encounter. 

[Lo****]

Why have boundaries if your going to allow them to be completely ignored without any discussion about it?

Why ask for people's feedback if you're going to get upset when their comments aren't what you want to read?

[Fen]

5 hours ago, Jimmmy said:

Thanks for your feedback  @CopperKnob, I’ll try to be clearer next time I post. 
I think that what I was trying to express was that I have found it very surprising that my supposedly long held opinions and attitudes were changed following a relatively brief introduction to, and subsequent encounter with, someone who clearly has had a very large influence upon me and my previously held ideals.

I was wondering if anybody else has experienced this kind of huge shift in their own perceptions, ideals, tolerances, likes and dislikes following a relatively brief encounter. 

The main red flag I was referring to is that the dom was explicitly looking for a lifestyle sub. Your profile explicitly said you were not looking to be a lifestyle sub. A good dom would have seen that and moved on. Someone who keeps talking to you and meets up knowing that you've plainly stated that you aren't what they're looking for is dangerous. It's a hallmark of someone who could turn psychologically manipulative. You say you've got 31 years of experience, but by the sound of it, you've never been swimming in the water with a shark. The deeper you go, the more he'll get attached to you, and should you try to get away later, that's when you get hurt. Everything is great up until then. That's when you see the damage he's had the opportunity to do psychologically, and when you're in physical danger.

You know who's great at making people experience shifts in opinion? Cult leaders. Con artists. Healthy D/S relationships are about control, and this sounds like manipulation.

[Jimmmy]

Thanks for your concerns @Fen  I’ll take them on board. 😀

[Deleted Member]

Jimmy I had a similar experience in that I was approached by a person who wanted to enter into a D/s relationship. It turned out to be questionable and I didn't commit, but it was valuable to me. Mentally I went into the space of a lifestyle change that I didn't know I desired. I was ready to dive into the deep end and it was very exciting. It wasn't expected but my mind was on fire with pushing my limits and trying things I only imagined. Though I agree you are likely headed to a train wreck, I get the possibility to flip a switch on self preconceptions. Happiness is another question.

[ey****]

Some years ago - I had a Mistress who I'd met for casual play say she was going to own me and make me hers - and while it was flattering it was also confusing and messed with my head a bit.  Not her intention.  But, there we are.

I asked another Mistress friend for some advice who was also a little taken aback ("If I'd known you were looking for ownership I would have offered" - oops) but anyway she decided to kinda reply via a blog post - I can't remember most of the blog post but in the opening paragraph was a phrase that stuck with me. 

Which was, that you might not previously have been looking but then suddenly "you meet someone who turns your world upside down"

To a degree this sounds a little bit what has happened here, so a notion or idea you previously had rejected suddenly becomes appealing when you meet, seemingly, the right person.

There are a couple things to be mindful of - and this isn't me trying to be negative - but

First is sub frenzy which a few have mentioned and this is something where, especially if things are going fast, it can feel like whole knew worlds are opening up and you can do anything - but also be careful because you can also be a bit more susceptible in this period : always try to ground yourself and don't be afraid to say no or decline something you're not presently sure about

Another kinda thing because of that, remember you should always be able to revoke consent at any time - you're not a fake or timewaster if you agree to something now, and then in a few months time decide you don't want to do it. 

[Deleted Member]

Agreeing to do things when turned on? Who does such a thing?

[ey****]

1 minute ago, Unichorny said:

Agreeing to do things when turned on? Who does such a thing?

it's a big problem because in the heat people agree to things they later regret

it's also a problem because there are those who know people are more agreeable and so will use this to their advantage

Not that I am saying either are happening here - but always something to watch out for.

[Deleted Member]

Well I would want any damage!

[No****]

12 hours ago, Jimmmy said:

Well thank you! After your brief but encouraging message, there has been a cascade of “NO, NO, NO!”, as you can see on this thread. This is why I don’t post much on here. I had hoped for more objective assessments, rather than a lecture from some as to what is and isn’t right, in their opinion! An appreciation of the positives would have been a bit more upbuilding for me.

And thanks to some kind person, for telling me about the whole CNC kink. Like I didn’t know about that! Really?

Still, I’m only 53 and I’ve only been actively playing in the BDSM and kink scene for 31 years, so what the hell would I know?

Like many on this site, I too have met up with some complete fuckwits in the past, and I’ve had some encounters that have been quite forgettable. But I’m pleased to report that the vast majority have been incredible experiences that are memorable for all of the right reasons. I’ve never been injured, I’ve never been assaulted and I’ve never submitted to anything that I wasn’t prepared to tolerate, at least briefly, even if I wasn’t totally comfortable with it. I vet my playmates extremely carefully. This happens as a result of my rather niche profile that attracts interest from only those who are particularly interested in what I like, my insistence on speaking to people on the phone before I ever meet up with them in person and usually, at least some to and fro by text to establish likes, dislikes and mutual boundaries. The only way to progress beyond what you know is to have your boundaries pushed. The most dangerous people are those who say they have no limits. That’s just stupid and a lie. Everybody has limits. In all but the most extreme cases, it is the sub who really calls the shots, not the Dom.

But thanks to those many scared, timid or overly-cautious members on here who have given me massive warnings about it all. I’ll bear all that in mind, thank you.

Live and let live

[Jimmmy]

And as usual, the most measured, objective response from Mr Black Sheep @eyemblacksheep . You can always be relied upon to tell it how it is, respectfully, with articulation and the correct use of apostrophes! Thank you. 

[No****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

it's a big problem because in the heat people agree to things they later regret

it's also a problem because there are those who know people are more agreeable and so will use this to their advantage

Not that I am saying either are happening here - but always something to watch out for.

So true.

[se****]

Oh boy... after reading the comments, it turned out complex for me. I am with the cautious people, but if you are happy, feel fulfilled, safe... SAFE, and not ending up in the hospital... HOSPITAL, then go for it!👍