Being a Dom or dominant in the bedroom in 2022

[tj****]

I personally believe is risky business in 22'. I always have to second guess myself when I reveal certain kinks that turn me on (like biting) and being rough because I always think it will come and bite (no pun intended) me if the relationship doesn't work out. I don't want anything to threaten my career. I always hear stories from buddies of mine that caution me into not revealing my nature in the bedroom. It's impossible though it just comes out when im in the mood . Thoughts?

[ro****]

That’s why every time you play you get them to sign a contract before play even happens , that way if something legally does happen you have a written and signed dated paper saying that they was a willing participant in the play

[Al****]

As long as you don't record yourself doing anything, then you should be pretty safe

[It****]

Yeah it is one minute I was getting tied up and being taking advantage of then the next minute I was getting kicked out cause I wouldn't speak he even threatened me lol

[ey****]

13 minutes ago, rowdyrussell said:

That’s why every time you play you get them to sign a contract before play even happens , that way if something legally does happen you have a written and signed dated paper saying that they was a willing participant in the play

that is both awful and inaccurate advice.   aside from removing any form of spontaneity there are two problems with the contracts

1) someone could claim they were made to sign under duress

2) they are not legally binding given there are a lot of things you can't legally consent to.  (*things* depend on state and territory) if someone went to a police station with cane stripes on their bum and you tried to defend yourself with a signed contract you are ultimately pleading guilty to assault 

[ey****]

I don't believe it's risky business now; the only time it was ever not risky is when you could get away with effectively wrong doing

ask someone if they like being bitten or not, if they say no you don't bite them - if they say yes then, well, go for it within reason 

I don't think this is difficult.  

[itsMalco]

Forget about contract and not recording yourself.. if someone wants to f**k you and put an end to your career they'll do it despite of a contract, that has no legal value by the way.
And you shouldn't record anything in the first place lol to easy to get blackmailed in the future...

Now, how to avoid the risks?
First of all, in your case at least, stop revealing compromising stuff lol
You say that "it's impossible when I'm in the mood", well that's not really an excuse... control yourself.
As Seneca says: "most powerful is he who has himself in his own power."

Don't worry you'll have a lot of opportunities to reveal dirty kinks in the future, just make sure to know very well the person you're with... and that just happens with time!
Let the time roll by, don't rush things.
I've been blackmailed myself, you don't wanna be there lmao
Sorry for my bad English...
If you want to chat feel free to get in touch. Good luck!

[Bu****]

This is so true!!! I think a lot of us think this and worried about it but are afraid to say it. Thanks for speaking up!

[CherryP]

39 minutes ago, rowdyrussell said:

That’s why every time you play you get them to sign a contract before play even happens , that way if something legally does happen you have a written and signed dated paper saying that they was a willing participant in the play

Wrong!  Contracts aren't legally binding and consent can be withdrawn at any time regardless of whether a contract was signed.  
 

for example two people sign a contract agreeing to have penetrative sex.  Person  A decides after signing the contract that they no longer want to have penetrative and withdraws consent and tells person B this.  Person B decides to make person A have penetrative sex.  This is *** regardless of whether a contract was signed of not.  

[Ir****]

There is a lot of risk out there when we are dealing with the legally grey area of our sexual appetites. Contracts can't save you because consent can be retracted even after a signed contract. Only thing you can do is be very selective with who you choose. Trust and consent is everything. Trust is needed both ways. Don't Dom a sub you don't trust. Don't sub to a Dom you don't trust.

[itsMalco]

40 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

that is both awful and inaccurate advice.   aside from removing any form of spontaneity there are two problems with the contracts

1) someone could claim they were made to sign under duress

2) they are not legally binding given there are a lot of things you can't legally consent to.  (*things* depend on state and territory) if someone went to a police station with cane stripes on their bum and you tried to defend yourself with a signed contract you are ultimately pleading guilty to assault 

This guy is absolutely correct on the contract thing. Contracts are more of a theatrical thing to the play....

Now about what he said "I don't believe it's a risk business" and "ask someone if they like being bitten..."
It's not that simple... human being are extremely volatile and inconsistent, an agreeable spanking play can turn into a assault complaint moved by a sudden feeling of hatred caused by an eventual fight.
As I said earlier, if someone want to ruin you they will.

[itsMalco]

These last two comments from cherryp and ironhide are the best advices so far.

[Deleted Member]

Not if you discussed likes and dislikes before being sexually intimate, because trust me if someone is petty enough, manipulative and not a good person enough to want to use what you do in the bedroom to end your career they'll do it no matter what kind of sex you have. And you honestly shouldn't enter Dom space with anyone who isn't at the very least interested in bdsm. I'm a sub and not ever sexual partner I've had even knows this about nor experienced some of my kinks, or intimacy was very vanilla. Only those I've gotten the "vibe" from do I disclose this to. And if you're incapable of controlling your dominant(Dom) during intimacy than you can either abstain from intimacy till you can or only engage in intimacy with other like-minded people who match and fit that dynamic. But trust me, sex period can be used to end your career doesn't matter what kind. It's actually easier being of this community nowadays with sexual liberation, etc. And as a dom as you say you are I feel like you would have self-control to where no accidental biting happens and you would always discuss with every partner that you have boundaries and you would never cross those boundaries to where an accident anything would happen but that's just me.

[Deleted Member]

And none of what I said in that post is meant to shame or discourage simply my opinion and education.
Into touch on you saying you're always second-guessing yourself if you're second-guessing yourself with an intimate partner don't reveal it your instincts are correct that person is not in the community and they won't fully understand. Follow your instincts are you 90% of the time correct.

[ey****]

I guess here are some questions to consider with any sex or play

trust is very much a two way thing.  If you are with someone and you want to do something with them (sex, bite them, any other kink play) are you confident you have consent?

if you are not confident - do not engage in that activity.

If you say something and they appear agreeable - but you are worried they will turn this into any form of assault or consent claim - or - try to ruin you - then you do not engage in that activity because you either have doubt or you lack the level of trust in the other person and so should not be engaging in play with them.

-

In this case the question is how do you build this trust?  This might be a case of sounding them out on what makes them tick before engaging in play or spending time getting to know each other or whatever.  

But at the simplest level. If you do not trust the other person, do not rush to play with them.  Taking time to reflect would do a lot of people a lot of good. 

[CopperKnob]

"It's impossible though it just comes out when I'm in the mood"

If you can't control yourself, how are you expecting to control a submissive?
Is my thought.
Everything is consensual. That means that there's a conversation and negotiation before the act.
Without it, 'you' aren't a Dominant. 'You' are an ***r and if that's the case your career, dependant upon what it is 'you' do, will obviously be threatened.
Honestly, I'd be suggesting you find yourself some 'buddies' who know what they're talking about.

[Puppy6411]

Communication leading to consent, respect & trust - all of which can be revoked at any time. Stepping over that line is rightly called "***"

[Ny****]

I feel like this is why consent and trust are paramount. I have a hard line rule when it comes to experimenting with kinks that are outside my usual remit. Specially anything involving risk/***.

I will have a very blunt conversation with my sub before the session begins. I will ask very direct questions and expect definitive answers.
These types of question sometime make people uncomfortable or shy but they're important.
If you can't talk with a straight face about your kinks then you're likely not all that invested in them.

E. g. "Do I have your permission to bite you, yes or no". "Is there anything in particular, you would like me to do to you once we begin?".
This allows me to get an understanding of what they want out of this and how I can best service those needs without ever taking it too far

I had an experience with a past romantic partner who claimed to be submissive but it turned out she was only telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. Which lead to her claiming to be more into *** than she really was (making assumptions about my preferences) and her getting upset when she got more than a simple spanking.
Never ever miss sell your desires, never warp your desires to fit what your partner wants or you think they want. Find somebody genuinely compatible and build trust from the ground up, long before control is seeded to the other.

[Hy****]

Jeez, that's sad to hide what turns you on. Always be transparent with your dates. It saves a lot of time for both parties and you'll both be happier moving on. Respect yourself more and don't settle for someone that's less than what you need.

[Deleted Member]

Find a true submissive who loves what she does and truly take care of her and you won't have to worry about it. All these comments 😂

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, Caballoloco said:

Find a true submissive who loves what she does and truly take care of her and you won't have to worry about it. All these comments 😂

Oh, so going by your thinking, if the OP bit me during vanilla sex, without consent, I wouldn't be a 'true submissive' if I complained about it?
Or, lets ramp things up:
If I'd agreed to being restrained and having a crop and flogger used but the OP decided that they'd use a baseball bat covered in barbed wire, I wouldn't be a 'true submissive' if I reported non consensual activity to the community and/or the Police?
Or, lets actually remove any BDSM aspect from the situation:
If, the OP decided that they wanted have sex with me and I hadn't consented I'd be, what? Not a human if I reported to the Police If he did?
Everyone should just accept anything anyone does to them anytime regardless whether they consented to it or not?
I think your thinkings off
I think I've written and posted about you on Fet before. Lets call you Bob. Feel free to look that writing up it's called 'Why I refuse to stay silent about explicit fet messages'. Who knows you may learn something.

[cm****]

Whatever your partner communicates is the truth and the rules always change that’s why consent is important. You can write up a contract it can be a fun form of foreplay and a way to enhance the dom sub dynamic

[ey****]

I'll tell you what has worked for me over the year

Currently number of times I have been reported to police, event organisers, or been raised as a person of concern is..... 0

this is not to say I have always got everything perfect all of the time but most people recognise the difference between human error and ignoring consent etc.  
So... 

Speaking entirely on if I was playing with a sub.    Before starting I would always try to establish what they particularly wanted to do and any big no nos.  Especially in the first time(s) of playing they don't need to be a "super sub" because we are both learning about each other and while there's been times when afterwards discussing the other person has said "you could have" that is a lot better than "you shouldn't have..."

I tend to work from a whitelist then against a limit list... like, if you're over a bench in a club then I'm not going to s**t on you and it's against the dungeon rules for us to get *** everywhere - so telling me those are your limits is useless.  Are we doing spanking? What toys should we use? Thuddy or stingy? To what levels? Bastinado? Can I scratch you? Bite you? Pull your hair? Tickle you? Touch/Kiss your feet? Kiss you anywhere else? Where can/can't I touch?  What can/can't I do with my d**k? Does it stay in the pants or can I put it in your mouth, vagina, or - how would you feel if I wanked in front of you?  What about breath play? Can I smother you, grab your throat?  Saying "no s**t" still opens a lot of questions

Let's agree what we're going to do? And of course, consent can be withdrawn at any time so tell me if you change your mind as soon as you potentially can?
If we finish and you want to do more, we can play again next time - but I can't undo or take back anything I do

If it's someone I play with a few times then after each play of course we're discussing feedback and - so - there's a person I spoke to the other day we need to sort a play date with and we have played a few times and I know they like the excitement of not knowing what I will do but of course I love not stepping over lines.

If you're not sure about any activity, don't do it, talk about it afterwards about a possibility for next time.  Discuss likes/dislikes when you're not both horny, or otherwise blindsided 

 

[ki****]

My husband ***s this as well he’s even thought of having a disclosure signed. He has a great career and we enjoy swinging but don’t trust people

[tj****]

Thanks for the insight guys ! Obviously I meant everything is done with consent . To reiterate if I bite a womans inner thigh for example it might leave a mark for a few days. Especially if she has fair skin. Same with a hard spank. I'm just very cautious that it can be used against me. I've heard true stories. Hopefully that clears everything up. From thinking about it there is a factor of trust, a leap of faith if you will. Still..saving a text where I have written consent seems to be the safest way. Thanks again!