What's your definition of CNC?

[eu****]

I like that definition no safe words make it realistic!

[ey****]

there's a lot where it is difficult to get right mind, also.

Imagine your partner is crying. screaming. spitting. the words they're uttering are a mixture of what was their safeword, "red", "mercy", "no", "stop" and assorted obscenities.

It's a CNC scene.

Do you continue?

Because if you stop and your partner later says they would have continued, setting things back up again can be harsh.

If you continue and you have taken things too far - that might be the end of the relationship.  That, if nothing else, they were not happy how it played out and can't do it again.

And this is why at the kinda extreme end - having two way trust and a good understanding is important.

Because, no, a safeword wouldn't stop the scene - but it might stop them wanting more to do with you.

[Ja****]

@cheekysub247 I don’t role play either. There’s nothing playful about what my circle gets up to. I can see some scenarios where could break the ice and help two people get comfortable but I’m way too hardcore for such pursuits. Leather on skin, tears, bound and ***d tits, suspensions & shibari knots, total control….that’s me.

[Ja****]

@eyemblacksheep That’s a nightmare scenario and I wouldn’t want to see that person again. F**king around with the safe word is just not done. Too much is at stake which is why I insist on a written contract.

[ey****]

So other than the contracts actually being worthless in a law court.

Same scenario.  You have a written agreement for a CNC scene of things you can and can't do.  Someone then asks you not to do something that you have their signature next to stating they can do - and again, it's a CNC scene 

you need to make a split decision

Do you continue, it's a CNC scene - you are doing an activity that you have in writing you can do.   But the consequences of continuing may be that they'd actually now revoked consent for that and now simply do not wish to play again

or

Do you stop.  Accepting the withdrawal of this - but knowing they later might have said that as much as they hated that idea, they would have been happy for you to continue. They might even be disappointed you stopped.

to a degree this is a rhetorical question.  Aside from anything in writing or not - you need the right level of trust two-ways to help you make the decision in the moment.

[Deleted Member]

Just don’t do it, that s**t is a jail sentence in the making

[he****]

Cnc in reality isnt different than normal sex. You first get consent for the acts you want to do. The rest is just roleplay. As long as the people involved with cnc are on the same page there is no issue.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

this is why it's important to have a lot of trust.   A lack of a safeword doesn't mean you cannot say, "I've twisted my ankle and it really hurts can we stop for a minute" nor does it mean you cannot say "I've got cramp can you untie me?" just, y'know - on paper it's then up to the other person what they do about that.

Before agreeing to CNC you also have to be sure in yourself you wouldn't take things too far. 

TBH if you want to avoid safe-words I think the easiest boundry is crying but I guess a lot of women in kink are into crying? I don't know. But I do know if she started crying or really screaming I would stop, it's just not my deal. The confusing thing is if my kinks would satisfy women who are into CNC or not which I am still confused on.   

[je****]

For me now I haven’t experienced havring a straight up cnc scene with resistance/saying no please don’t with the consent to continue anyway as it doesn’t turn me on at all. My favorite lightweight cnc thing is my wife enjoys me starting up with her while she’s sleeping, which is about as far as it goes, also tieing up can be consider cnc if it goes along with the roleplay of “ do what your told “ type dynamic

[Deleted Member]

People got off on legal tangents like there isn’t safe words in the world of kink play. There is no one size fits all. I’ve engaged in plenty of CNC fantasies that varied from. Getting chased in the woods. Tied up and left free to use by any passing hiker. To breaking into the house. The idea is that you have trust. Know each other’s boundaries well. And have established safety measures. Then you play. If you think you are going to go to jail. You are doing kink wrong.

[Da****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So other than the contracts actually being worthless in a law court.

Same scenario.  You have a written agreement for a CNC scene of things you can and can't do.  Someone then asks you not to do something that you have their signature next to stating they can do - and again, it's a CNC scene 

you need to make a split decision

Do you continue, it's a CNC scene - you are doing an activity that you have in writing you can do.   But the consequences of continuing may be that they'd actually now revoked consent for that and now simply do not wish to play again

or

Do you stop.  Accepting the withdrawal of this - but knowing they later might have said that as much as they hated that idea, they would have been happy for you to continue. They might even be disappointed you stopped.

to a degree this is a rhetorical question.  Aside from anything in writing or not - you need the right level of trust two-ways to help you make the decision in the moment.

In my opinion, this is why you never remove safewords and why everyone involved understands that safewords are there to prevent these issues(in theory)... and should NEVER be used unless truly meant.

[Deleted Member]

27 minutes ago, jedimajic said:

For me now I haven’t experienced havring a straight up cnc scene with resistance/saying no please don’t with the consent to continue anyway as it doesn’t turn me on at all. My favorite lightweight cnc thing is my wife enjoys me starting up with her while she’s sleeping, which is about as far as it goes, also tieing up can be consider cnc if it goes along with the roleplay of “ do what your told “ type dynamic

That's cool, I think grabbing and overpowering a partner, restraining her as she struggles then having sex would be fun, but it's important to me she would be grinning during it. I can't really do "serious" BDSM in spite of my extensive list of fetishes(which I guess is unusual).    

[Deleted Member]

It would all be up to you and your partner talk about your limits before hand make sure everyone knows there wants and limits be safe use a different safe word then your regular one

[Deleted Member]

"CNC can be defined as as explicit mutual agreement between two or more consenting adults where a Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding that it is permanent."

I've always used that, so technically it's "whatever you want", no limits, no safeword and can include things like r*peplay.

I've experienced it in 3 forms,
1) Whatever I want + hard limits + safe word.
2) Whatever I want + hard limits.
3) Whatever I want

I find 1 boring tbh, defeats the purpose, because you both know it's fake. I would recommend 2, but be realistic, specific and thorough with limits. 3 only if you know the person well.

From the responses it's clear that not everyone interprets it the same, so as with most things, always clarify before.

[ey****]

to tie a few comments together.

Personally; I am in no rush to do any form of CNC scene or arrangement either side of the slash.  Though I do know many who do these scenes or have this as some form of ongoing arrangement.

Without wanting to sound gatekeepery - if there is a safeword it is not CNC - but there is nothing wrong with that.   You can do a play or scene that explores or pushes limits anyway. You can do some form of r**e play anyway. Or you don't have to at all. That's also totally fine.   Kink doesn't have to be hardcore, breaking limits, etc etc etc returning to my first point, I'm in no rush to do CNC.

A sub or a Dominant who wants to indulge - their partner, or prospective partner, can decline.   They can look at what they wanted from the scene and arrange something they're happy with without having to do this route.

Also, and tying in with some of my examples. The Dominant also has their own limits and can also stop a scene at any time.  If you are in the tiniest bit unsure or uncomfortable about continuing the scene you can stop at any time.  If the other person is disappointed you stopped, well, you are the Dominant and it was CNC so you can do what you want including stopping the scene.

Technically - limits (apart from common sense limits) are often also out in CNC but then there can also be a level of trust here.   This is something again where sense needs to be applied. 

Too many people seem to use CNC as either a starting point (so many reasons why this is a problem) or some form of 'holy grail' that anything below is lesser than or 'not real' or blah blah which is also generally nonsense.

[so****]

It is, as the name suggests, "non-consenting" play which is in fact consentual👍lol confusing I agree. But the key word is CONSENTUAL non-consent. It is 100% agreed upon & consentual. The old fashioned term is "r@p9 play". (I use that term for educational purposes & is not meant to offend anyone 🌹 Just trying to educate here). Some people like it & some people dont. Just like any fetish or kink. There's an infinite number of ways it can be done, but usually presents in one particular fashion. But the key to remember is that it is ALWAYS consentual. If it's not, then it's ***.

[Wi****]

If you don't like it when she screams, stuff a gag in her mouth... 😈

[Ki****]

Sounds more like primal hunter to me than cnc

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Kitten137 said:

Sounds more like primal hunter to me than cnc

That's a good point, I think the reason I viewed them as equivalent is a woman I talked to on fet a long time ago was very into r*pe play and talked about it as interchangeable with CNC.

[av****]

Personally I like to be rough and take it when I feel like it can be as simple as forcing her against a counter and stripping her or even waking her up to me handcuffing her arms behind her back what you are talking about is a pretty nilla version or pet play

[Th****]

One thing I think that might have been missed in all the really great comments here is that you may well not use a safe word in your CnC play.

That does not mean though that if you're submissive shouts "f**King stop!" that you should necessarily carry on regardless.

Part of CnC is bringing a bit of common sense to the table and if in the "f**King stop!" scenario. Just take 5 and check in with your submissive, in fact I would recommend a gentle, "you okay?" every now and again.

Unless you are into full blown r*pe play (which I am not) it will not ruin the atmosphere and it could save you a whole load of trouble.

Lets face it for a Dominant self control should come as standard, if we can't control our selves what hope do we have of controlling anyone else.

[ey****]

12 hours ago, Thebian said:

Part of CnC is bringing a bit of common sense to the table and if in the "f**King stop!" scenario. Just take 5 and check in with your submissive, in fact I would recommend a gentle, "you okay?" every now and again.

this is something very important.  there was a row on CNC in a group chat I'm in and the person against it brought up straw scenarios ("what if you have cramp in your leg, you should safeword then?") and I think the best thing to do would be to say "I have cramp in my leg" and the Dominant can then use common sense to do something about it.   

Sometimes, while, I totally agree with safewords in general - sometimes the best thing to do is to actually say what the problem is.  

[cu****]

What you're stating sounds kinda like the primal predator/prey thing which may have some overlap with cnc

[cu****]

I'm not trying to call anyone out specifically but I am concerned that when you are discussing the downside of going to far or not stopping when appropriate is that the partner might not want to play with you again. No one even mentions anything that sounds remotely empathetic. This is a quality that is so extremely important when I am considering letting someone Dom me and especially before any type of CNC is involved. The major consequence of failing to recognize and implement an actual desire to stop would be the difficulty that the partner could go through during and after the situation. Ig I am blessed to have close relationships with the people I play with like this. The build up was slow and gradually added to as trust was built. Aftercare was always so incredibly restorative. There was always a conversation about how things went and what we may have taken further and wanted to try the next time. The Dom took the time to really get to know me and my limits and be responsive even before I could consciously request the change while deep in subspace. Ultimately though, the deep trust I have in my Dom is such that I never have actual *** and can just let go and don't even have to worry about communicating in that moment.

[ey****]

3 hours ago, curvyyogamama said:

I am concerned that when you are discussing the downside of going to far or not stopping when appropriate is that the partner might not want to play with you again. No one even mentions anything that sounds remotely empathetic

So yep; i was probably a little guilty of that in how I may have come across - so I want to kinda further things a bit.

The first bit is that for any cnc play that both people are clear what the other wants from it.  That is something I touched on a bit.  But of course how one person defines CNC may be different to someone else's interpretation.  

It might be that someone wants to test some of their own limits and feels that would be easier in CNC - kinda like - as if they were doing it for their Dominant - or it might be someone wants the whole "whatever you want" but of course being on loose ideas on what the other might want.    

I often get concerned about some who use CNC as a starting position.  This could actually be Dominants whose starting point is "I don't really care, I do what I want" or whether it's a sub who is either naive or think that it makes them more desirable.

Mind; not one sub who has ever approached me saying "I will do what you want" has ever done the very first thing I've asked of them.  But this is again coming from an illusion position of giving up control and being "told" to do something they wanted to do anyway.   So when I ask them to do something trivial like, I dunno, find the best price for a run of 50 t-shirts on express delivery... they were hoping for something else.

But still.

The net result of a CNC gone too far I think, I was downstating when I said "they wouldn't play with you again" that is just one of the possible side effects.

Others can be leaving serious physical ***, leaving mental trauma or breaking trust.  It can even lead someone to blame themselves for the scene going wrong.   I think this is something else that has to be considered before entering this.  Are you confident of ending the scene and having an overall happy sub - or are you going to leave them in some way scarred?  Can you mitigate this? 

Never mind all this "I'll just get it in writing" - that, if nothing else, offers zero support to the sub and all it does is add to their self blame if things go wrong ("Shouldn't have signed" etc) or feel they have to continue the scene if things are going badly.