Is BDSM harmful?

[Do****]

I already have an answer for this question and that answer is: bdsm brings risks as well as satisfying rewards. I don't believe it is inherently harmful.

My therapist, however, begs to differ. I opened up to her recently about some of my kinks and the shame surrounding them as well as the trauma I believe brought them on. I did this in the hopes of developing a more healthy relationship with my sexuality. I want to be mindful of what I do, why I do it, and make sure I do my best to take care of my mental health.

She, on the other hand, took the stories and feelings I shared as signs my fantasies were a problem to be dealt with. She thinks wanting to be owned or humiliated is unhealthy. I can see where her concern is coming from considering I only want to be dominated because I crave approval to compensate for my low self-esteem. In trying to look out for me, she's recommended I do not engage with the fantasies I've shared with her.

I disagree, but part of me is giving it some thought. Is there a chance bdsm can be a bad thing for some people even if they want to engage in it?
Maybe people should only practice submission and be lead in their lives once they've developed the ability to take care of themselves independently.
Or maybe even if someone is in a terrible place emotionally, it's alright to indulge in kinky, masochistic fantasies because it can be a good way to cope with stress and trauma as well as a way to process emotions.

What are your thoughts?

[dominantankinky]

👍

[Da****]

I believe that with the right Dom, you can turn those things that your therapist think are harmful into powerful ways to motivate you felling better about yourself and becoming an even stronger person. My sub was in a similar situation as you when we started seeing each other 2 1/2 years ago and today she is one of the strongest people I know. She has overcome many challenges and each one she overcame fueled her to overcome the next one.. I couldn't be more proud of who she has become and truly can't wait to see her grow... now as for the "right" Dom, that is going to be more difficult, but you will need to be open and honest with him/her, let them know triggers to avoid and ask them to help you find ways to overcome your traumas, without making you feel guilty or bad about them. Finding a Dom that truly has YOUR best interest at heart is a start....

[Deleted Member]

Try asking your therapist to help you rationalise your desires with vanilla life. 

Personally I've self taught myself to not be kink-centric when it comes to dating. 

I see kink as an attachment to vanilla life. I think there's always trade offs when you meet someone you really like. The core things we all look for in any lifestyle are trust, understanding, kindness, etc. They're untradable so stay focused on those things to build on from the start.

The lifestyle is an open invitation for narcissistic ***. Be extra careful. They really mess your head up. 

Keep it real.

Just my thoughts.

Hope that helps. 

[Cheekysub247]

Some people do use this as a way to deal with past trauma, if its the only way they can, then its helping them. I feel as long as they are honest with their partner why they need what they need and how they need it then 'kink' can be a healthy therapy for them.
Some people look for a 'consensual abusive relationship' because they have been in a abusive relationship and its the only way they can live their life. The R*pe fantasy is another that people seek out to help processes something they have been through.Those are extreme examples but there are many ways people use 'kink' to simply deal with things that have happened.

[BigPolly]

For me personally, I’ve never suffered any trauma so my bdsm lifestyle is just who I am, it’s a form of escapism but with extreme highs attached.
However kink is a good way of putting you in control of past situations that you had no control of before. Fantasies & roles are there for you to decide how they play out. I can’t speak from a therapy perspective but I know if you have an itch that needs scratching & it’s safe & consensual then why not turn it into a positive.

[Lo****]

I don’t believe BDSM itself is harmful. It is the fact that it is so open to *** that makes it risky. So, it is the people who may *** it, not the lifestyle itself that may cause harm. 

[Deleted Member]

BDSM is practiced by many, and for many different reasons. One for blowing off steam, another for being out of control, another for pleasure or kick, and those for dealing with trauma. But what do you mean by harmful? Some examples. Over the centuries there have been deaths, people have suffered mental trauma, and there have been people who, for example, have suffered permanent damage to joints as a result of incorrect rope work. Was this what you meant by harmful?

[Deleted Member]

With no disrespect to the profession of psychiatry but just stating fact, it is based on "consensus science" ...and of course that is an oxymoron. At the end of the day only you know if bdsm helps you psychologically and your therapist has only her own opinion (again not science) to recommend against it to you

[Puppy6411]

Is paracetamol harmful?
Are kitchen knives harmful?
Treated with respect and care, with some understanding, used safely by a majority; but open to *** by some.
Tread carefully, choose the right dynamic for you.

[ey****]

it can be harmful and there are a lot of approaches which are actually unhealthy when it comes to mental health.

9 hours ago, DollyBaby said:

I can see where her concern is coming from considering I only want to be dominated because I crave approval to compensate for my low self-esteem.

Yep.  That is harmful.

Someone should want to be Dominated because they enjoy it, not for approval or to boost esteem.

Because the risk there is that you would agree to things you would not normally, or try to push further than you are comfortable to, in order to get approval.

there is a risk that you might not safeword, when needed, ***ing it would let someone else down.  

The problem with that is even with an otherwise responsible Dominant, you can end up being agreeable to something you don't wish to do or end up in situations you are uncomfortable with.

 

Now. I wouldn't say don't do one thing or don't do another - but it's important to kinda get a grip on where she is coming from.  So that when you do kinks, you do it for your/mutual enjoyment - and not for approval.  

[Deleted Member]

I’m sure there’s a similar percentage of people in unhealthy BDSM relationships as there are in any other type of relationship. A few years ago there was a big psychological survey in the US of people who identified themselves as being in BDSM relationships. It was expected of course that a lot of *** and poor behaviour would be uncovered but in fact what they found was lots of contented people who communicated their needs, desires and fantasies openly, who had clearly defined roles that they had carefully negotiated and were happy with, and who had enjoyable sex lives with partners who made the effort to understand and provide what they wanted.

[Cu****]

Ofcourse people here are going to defend it but i've been entering this world recently, talking in depth with people about their kinks and something's off. You sense it too, you're right. This all comes from a lack of self love, self respect and self care. Being emotionally dependend on someone else can't be best for you. Having to seek confirmation from some one else ain't healthy, you need to find self love/respect/acceptation within your self.
And yes i understand that indulging these ways can feel good but it's not solvinging this inherent problem we all have, to a certain degree.
So if you accually wanna heal and feel better, you should start the path of cultivating that self love and care. Which is hard to find and not a quick fix. (people usually go for quick temporary fixes).
And once you get there, feel good in your skin, know your self worth and love yourself, you will not want to be dominated, ***d, peed on,... However things have evolved for you.
But hey, it's much easier to submit yourself to someone else and seek their approval than find your own approval. No one teaches how to do that, it's harder, easily said and rarely done. There's accually less stigma about kinky lifestyles than 'working on yourself' and reading books on 'self care'.
Ahh i did it, glad i said this. Expecting a shitstorm. Please do, i'd like to explain myself better.

[Cu****]

32 minutes ago, AssertiveHerts said:

I’m sure there’s a similar percentage of people in unhealthy BDSM relationships as there are in any other type of relationship. A few years ago there was a big psychological survey in the US of people who identified themselves as being in BDSM relationships. It was expected of course that a lot of *** and poor behaviour would be uncovered but in fact what they found was lots of contented people who communicated their needs, desires and fantasies openly, who had clearly defined roles that they had carefully negotiated and were happy with, and who had enjoyable sex lives with partners who made the effort to understand and provide what they wanted.

It's not because are happy with a situation that it is healthy for them. Yes those voices in their heads ("you're worthless, not good enough, can't make anyone happy") are silenced a bit by the approval of the dom. But the real source of the unhappyness isn't solved, the source of the need to be dominated and get the approval of the dom

[Cu****]

6 hours ago, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

I believe that with the right Dom, you can turn those things that your therapist think are harmful into powerful ways to motivate you felling better about yourself and becoming an even stronger person. My sub was in a similar situation as you when we started seeing each other 2 1/2 years ago and today she is one of the strongest people I know. She has overcome many challenges and each one she overcame fueled her to overcome the next one.. I couldn't be more proud of who she has become and truly can't wait to see her grow... now as for the "right" Dom, that is going to be more difficult, but you will need to be open and honest with him/her, let them know triggers to avoid and ask them to help you find ways to overcome your traumas, without making you feel guilty or bad about them. Finding a Dom that truly has YOUR best interest at heart is a start....

Maybe she's stronger now because of your encouraging and praising words. Maybe here self-worth is now totally depending on your approval.
What do you think would happen to her if you left here or something happened to you? Would she stand strong alone? Would she love herself?
This is the case/a problem in almost all relationships, but it's exaggerated in dom/sub dynamics.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, CumOnZero said:

Being emotionally dependend on someone else can't be best for you. Having to seek confirmation from some one else ain't healthy, you need to find self love/respect/acceptation within your self.

THIS

it's very true

In ways this doesn't matter if it is kink or not - but there's a lot on the problems of placing your happiness, self-worth, etc into the hands of someone else 

Of course, it might be partners do boost our happiness etc. and I'm not saying some things don't help

I'm saying that relying on others is harmful, especially if for example they cannot do what you hoped/asked because then not only do you still not have it - it can feel worse, like you're rejected - and that is something that can lead people into doing more than they're comfortable with to get the play or attention 

[Cu****]

6 hours ago, Cheekysub247 said:

Some people do use this as a way to deal with past trauma, if its the only way they can, then its helping them. I feel as long as they are honest with their partner why they need what they need and how they need it then 'kink' can be a healthy therapy for them.
Some people look for a 'consensual abusive relationship' because they have been in a abusive relationship and its the only way they can live their life. The R*pe fantasy is another that people seek out to help processes something they have been through.Those are extreme examples but there are many ways people use 'kink' to simply deal with things that have happened.

This kink 'therapy' isn't therapy cause it won't solve the underlying issues. It blankets them, as *** do, so you can manage them better. Which makes these 'quick fixes' addictive, since you'll always need them because the cause doesn't get adressed and healed.
There's always a better solution, one that hels. Thatn' be therapy, self-development, self care, reading about the subject and slowly working on your views to get better.

[bi****]

A lot of people only want to hear what they want to be told - your therapist will be right, a lot of the things we do are only healthy if done from a place where they are effectiuvely entertainment for already well-adjusted people. Trying to make excuses for them as something you want, because you want it is not the best way to approach them. Deal with your problems seperately, then enjoy the kinks.

[Cheekysub247]

@CumOnZero people deal with things different ways, if certain kinks help them, then no one can say its the wrong way to deal with a situation. 

[Da****]

4 hours ago, CumOnZero said:

Maybe she's stronger now because of your encouraging and praising words. Maybe here self-worth is now totally depending on your approval.
What do you think would happen to her if you left here or something happened to you? Would she stand strong alone? Would she love herself?
This is the case/a problem in almost all relationships, but it's exaggerated in dom/sub dynamics.

I can see and understand your point/concerns and I do believe that she can be strong and have self wotlrt without me. If something were to happen to me, yes she would be sad but she would nit sink down the dark hole she would have in the past.

[se****]

All the comments are correct, because everybody has their own ways. Like the words " It is the fact that it is so open to *** that makes it risky. So, it is the people who may *** it" said by @Lockfairy, you have to be really careful. Like another member mentioned, it is better to heal your personal issues before, because you are building mental strengh. If you end up in a postion of being Gaslighted, you can automatically walk away. If the other person tries to guilt trip you into doing something you don't like, you can automatically say "NO". Building mental strength = STRONG defense. 

[Cu****]

[Carnelian2]

All activities have risks. On the counsellor, I am seeing someone and specifically chose a kink friendly counsellor as I have too often come across prejudices from vanilla people on kink.
I also think that kink should be practiced mindfully in the sense that it is a conscious choice and not something done in response to trauma or other adverse life experiences. Those are best dealt with elsewhere

[Da****]

3 hours ago, Carnelian2 said:

All activities have risks. On the counsellor, I am seeing someone and specifically chose a kink friendly counsellor as I have too often come across prejudices from vanilla people on kink.
I also think that kink should be practiced mindfully in the sense that it is a conscious choice and not something done in response to trauma or other adverse life experiences. Those are best dealt with elsewhere

I couldn't agree more.. the therapist may have negative feelings or not agree with kink or BDSM. These will totally change their opinion about what in your best interest.

[ey****]

of course interestingly there's another thread elsewhere which demonstrates what was being got at - a sub desperate for attention/validation that they constantly were trying to push themselves for approval rather than cos they wanted to

whether a therapist is kink-friendly or not; none would advocate doing anything for approval.