Aftercare and responsibilities

[TxFrank]

I recently met someone on here. We chatted a bit before agreeing to meet in a public vanilla setting to speak face to face.  We got along well enough that we both decided to play. It was a spanking. No sex, no bondage, and minimal nudity. Don't misunderstand,  it was a good session. But like all my first play dates, I tried to leave them wanting more. 

After the session we ate, debriefed and I took them home. For several reasons I decided that I didn't wish to play them again. I continued to check in several times a day for a week to make sure their drop wasn't too bad.  That's when I informed them that we wouldn't be playing again.  They weren't pleased but I felt they understood.  We continued to chat as they are new to the area and were seeking guidance on what groups and events they should attend.  Gradually,  I drifted away from the chat to focus on other matters.

Last night, two weeks after the single scene, I get a message saying I'm a horrible person for abandoning them during drop. Now, I know that I put forth effort to provide comfort and reassurance for several days. So I'm not concerned with their claim. But I did start thinking. How long does the Top's responsibility last to provide aftercare for a single session?

[Je****]

Your mistake was playing on first date.
You dont know them or their personality and sounds like this person is guilting you cus they can.
Just dont play on first date. U need to know and trust someone cus realistically this could have ended up worse

[ey****]

to a certain agree a little bit on how long should aftercare last is a little bit how long is a piece of string based on what is done and the subs own needs

however - to me it sounds like you did everything right on paper

subdrop is actually only really in the immediate aftermath of play - I know a few subs do find they have a form of relapse a couple of days later but while you can kind of consider that and use that as a way to reach out and connect - I would harshly say that after that it is on the sub to manage their own drop

(and for anyone not reading - the Dominant should be there for immediate aftercare and consider there may be relapse a few days later - but that is where duty of care ends)

If someone does need any form of extended aftercare this is on them to communicate before play

[TxFrank]

1 minute ago, Finally_Jen said:

Your mistake was playing on first date.
You dont know them or their personality and sounds like this person is guilting you cus they can.
Just dont play on first date. U need to know and trust someone cus realistically this could have ended up worse

I apologize for the misunderstanding.  I didn't play on the first date. The vanilla  meet was 2 days prior to the play date.

[Je****]

7 minutes ago, TxFrank said:

I apologize for the misunderstanding.  I didn't play on the first date. The vanilla  meet was 2 days prior to the play date.

Oh. I still dont think this is enough time personally

Protect yourself ❤

[TxFrank]

2 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

Oh. I still dont think this is enough time personally

Protect yourself ❤

I'm guessing that you dont attend many dungeon parties and play with new people. I've negotiated dozens of such scenes without an issue. And I did check in for a few days afterwards with each, even if it's beyond the normal scope of a service Top's responsibility.  

The question was regarding, in your opinion, what is an appropriate amount of time to continue aftercare from a single play session. 

[Je****]

Thats fair 

But i personally dont play with someone i dont know or cannot trust.

No ive not been to a dungeon but id imagine those  participant's are rightly vetted.

But that doesnt sound the case here where a woman has sadly accused you of basically being a shitty dom. (Although for me for someone to be MY dom would be months of bonding not two meets) 

Even tho you did what you said you felt was right. She still accused that.  And it could have been worse allegations as you dont know her.

Perhaps im over cautious and i mean no offence. 

 

Id say to answer your question you gave her enough time as you basically werent her dom and done light spanking only. Without really knowing your partner theres no easy timeframe to quote as it depends per person per dynamic

 

Il say no more at risk of offending or going off topic further. 

[CopperKnob]

It doesn't sound like an aftercare issue to me...it sounds like a vetting/negotiating issue which potentially raised the other party's expectations? That potentially the other party misunderstood any communication/developed some form of connection, got hurt and lashed out?
It would be 'interesting' if the other party, assuming they still had a profile chose to comment.
Theres a good writing in one of the forums by @sirarcha i think it was called buyers remorse?

[Lord_Talion]

Sounds more like you ha e a conscious

[Dy****]

Was this a person who is brand new to BDSM and learning their interests? Because it indeed sounds like this is a brand new person.

[Char__]

Physical sub drop for me is a few hours after. Personally I don't need any aftercare for this, just a nap 🤣 I'll have an emotional drop two or three days later if it was a mental and physical play, but honestly if we weren't going to be playing again I wouldn't want to lean on you during that, I'd be shoring myself up and moving on. If we were going to continue, then getting emotional support from you during that time would increase the bond in the dynamic, imo.

Sounds to me like someone is upset and rejected, and is throwing out words like sub drop bc that is where they think they can landed the hardest blow, accusing you of being a poor Dom.

[Da****]

I agree with a few of the other posts, that this sounds more like a rejection issue, not an aftercare issue..

[BigPolly]

On 8/5/2022 at 5:10 PM, Daddy-n-Paddy said:

I agree with a few of the other posts, that this sounds more like a rejection issue, not an aftercare issue..

I came here to say this exact same thing!

I can only imagine the after care/communication led this person to believe that there may be something more despite saying that there wouldn’t be. I think this is a case of ‘damned if you do & damned if you dont’