Wife loves BDSM, im curious but cant get it out of my head that im abusing her

[Voodoo81]

Morning all, both myself and my wife are 40yrs old and have been together since we were younger, recent years she has finally opened up to me about what "she" wants and likes etc., she when I met her she came from a very abusive relationship and was pretty much scared to say what she wants and just agreed with me all the time. Its taken many years for her to realise that its more then ok to have her own likes and dislikes, and to finally come out of her shell and show her true colours, to which she admitted she likes bondage and to be dominated. I love my wife dearly and will do anything to make her happy, but for some reason I can not get it out of my head that if I tell her what she can and cannot do even only in the bedroom that I'm controlling her life, much like her previous relationship. she has asked many times that I pull her hair during sex or push her head down when she is giving a blowjob, again I cant shake the feeling that I'm forcing her to do  these things by pushing her head down etc,

I'm curious about the world of BDSM, and I feel it would make our great relationship even better, but at the same time I have a feeling in the back of my head that by doing such things to her that it will trigger a bad memory from her past and undo all the hard work she and I have put in to get her to where she is now.

 

Please does anyone have any tips/ advice on how to get out of my own headspace when it comes to things like this. for me I was raised by my grandparents and being old fashioned he taught me to worship the ground your partner walks on, never raise a hand or voice etc.

[CopperKnob]

I think that it's absolutely lovely that you've created a relationship in which she is trusting enough of you to be able to share her wants/needs.
In terms of your feelings, the key point to remember is that she is consenting to those actions.
Something that I would suggest is that, you need to be able to trust her just as much as she has shown trust in you that, if anything does trigger her during/after the act, that she's going to feel able to safeword/discuss with you openly with you offering her a safe space to do so in order that you both have an understanding of what occurred/why/what needs to change if anything

[Fragile]

Maybe u and ur wife can set up a "safeword" which is signalizing that you want to end the BDSM roleplay immediately. If she is having this fantasy, u don‘t have to worry about hurting her in any kind of way. It could be that she is feeling pleasure by you giving her the control (: wishing u guys all the best!

[Cu****]

I can imagine that you feel at the very least dubious about where you currently find yourself, in the developing relationship with your wife. Yes, I read about how she was abused in a previous relationship, and it would have been incredibly difficult for her to disclose her past to you. Time, in many relationships, is a great healer, and now that your wife is opening up further , and commenting on her likes and dislikes, she’s showing you that she trusts you. Your conversations, the way you’ve looked after her and supported her through your relationship together, has shown her that you respect, you’re honest, you admire, you protect, support and understand nearly everything about her. All of that, has helped her to create her developing desires, needs and fantasies with you. Talk about safety, being sane and agreeing. Start gently and reflect on what you’ve experienced together. Keep opening up to each other. Create what’s acceptable and not accepted by each.
The surprise you have is that you feel your wife is giving you Carte Blanche to do what you like, but she’s not. Unlike in her previous relationship, where she probably suffered mental and physical traumas, she is secure in the knowledge that when she’s unhappy, or not liking the control, she can say so, and you’ll stop. In the previous relationship she probably couldn’t do that.
If she feels out of control, and worried, she’ll tell you. Having safe words, and you honouring them, give her confidence that what she has now, with you, is light years away from where she was previously. I think that if you keep talking, checking that she’s ok, and move steadily, you’ll both grow into your new, alternative connection with each other, secure in the knowledge that you can both adapt what’s happening…and talk and listen and take notice, and react, like there’s no tomorrow.
If you’d like to talk more, then I’m happy to respond further in DM.

[kimutu72]

When it's bed time have you tried asking her, so when she is giving you a bj ask her if she wants to ddep throat, or when doing doggy style ask her if she wants her hair pulled, it reasures you that its what she wants and you are always asking her permission, then eventually you will both be comfitable, coming from an abusive relationship myself, it is a huge thing for her to tell you she is interested in the bdsm side, I hope it goes well for you both

[Deleted Member]

It’s very nuanced but the two are nothing alike. It’s really hard to explain but you are giving back to her something that someone else took. I’m sure you’d be attentive and safe, so just follow her lead. 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Deleted Member
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[Da****]

My sub/gf was also in an abusive relationship before and what we have found is that our safewords and aftercare(safe space where we cuddle and talk about our scene) have worked for us to avoid triggers and even help her mentally heal from some of her trauma. Being rough or Dominant is not the same as being abusive, Having the ability to stop is a big difference between the two. Remember she is asking you to do this, it not implied or assumed...she is trusting you with her wants and needs.. enjoy the next level of your relationship and trust. Talk about things. As my Sub and I have tried new things and she a chosen to give me more control I have watched with pride as she has found new strength and confidence in herself in her submission.. (I know counter intuitive) good luck relax and have fun...

[Strolling65]

Consent in the moment is going to combat those fear by checking reality ? That’s the advice I have to offer. (Rose 🌹)

[WickedPerv]

Lucky man. You