I can’t get over my first Dom. Help?

[Deleted Member]

I’ve always been submissive in my life and in my relationships (that I was happy in) I have been in relationships with multiple different dominant personalities, but until November I had never been in an actual BDSM relationship.

In November I met through this app a really amazing Primal Dom, I clicked with him in ways that I didn’t expect, quickly.  He was open and honest about the fact that he was going to be leaving for work within a few months. Because of that there were kinks of mine and his that he said we would not do. For example, Bondage, because he was afraid that it would make me to comfortable with allowing the next dom to do it and that I could get hurt by them. I am extremely submissive, he said that I was the “best sub he has ever had”

He taught me so much about who I am and what I actually like and what I’m attracted to. I found that I am very much into Primal world and that most of my kinks or things I was embarrassed about liking fall into that world. He even taught me that most of my qualities that make me a brat fit better under primal prey that they do brat because I don’t do them out of defiance, I do them to be flirtatious and fun. Because I hate control but I love to play.

My problem is, he left in December suddenly, and I strongly crave that feeling he gave me, it’s all I think about and I can’t find it… 

I felt safe and free and protected and cared for. Like I could be me, completely unapologetically me. 

Is this like a first love thing or is this normal? Like I knew from the start that he wasn’t going to be here forever and he always made that perfectly clear, so why can’t I find another dom that makes me feel the same way?

I know I probably shouldn’t but I keep comparing them to him and most the time I feel like they’re not even really doms that they’re just vanilla guys that wanna have rough sex… Am I being too critical? And the actual doms I have found are usually really mean or they are in other countries.

I also still text him at least once a week…

[Deleted Member]

With a skilled DOM that's how a submissive should always feel - protected, safe, free of responsibility and respected... Unfortunately, not many DOMs seem to put in the time and effort required to learn the art of domination properly these days. I hope you find another DOM with whom you can build and grow that special D/s bond that you have experienced briefly with your last DOM. Hope this helps.

[Deleted Member]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and I know it's really tough!

I was the same when I broke up with my first Master and it took me 6 years to finally walk out of it, which was wayyyyy too long. He made me feel protected and loved, and when we broke up I couldn't help but compare other Doms to him and nobody could measure up. I promise you that this feeling will pass...

I do think it is great that your first Dom was someone who cared so deeply for you, because now you have a high standard to work from. And NO! You're not being too critical. We need our Doms to keep us safe and we shouldnt settle for the s-holes who think only for themselves.

Reach out to me if you need to talk about it. You're not alone!!

[Lord_Talion]

So you need a Daddy Dom that actually cares, but do keep in mind that at least 90% the ppl in this lifestyle are ubber-doms that just wanna get off

[ti****]

I think you hit the nail on the head with your final statement- most men are vanilla who like rough sex. I checked to see you were from the US as well and I feel that it has been difficult to find the dynamic for me because kink is not as open in our culture here. Also definite difference in American male dominant culture that needs to be translated into kink. Time heals wounds and patience you will find someone for you again.

[Br****]

Babe, I don't mean to sound horrible but most of them will tell you you are the best sub they have ever had. Please don't take that to heart, I just say it to open your eyes.
You can find it again with someone you just need to be clear on what YOU want from the relationship.
If you don't like control, and are more of a bratt like me, take a look at my bio and start your own list of things you like and be clear what don't want to do. You are allowed to have NO's and still be a good sub. It's not defiant if they know it's a No from the beginning.
I believe what makes me a good sub is learning my Dom like my own body. How to tease, wind up and please is all part of the package.
You don't have to accept mean or degrading Dom behaviour. If that's their kink, they are just not for you and are dangerous to your relationship with your own sexual appetite. They could easily make you hate doing this.
Please protect your kinky side by taking this thrilling experience with your dreamy sounding Dom as a lesson, he has been able to show you what this can be, education in what you like and what clearly want to experience again. Keep notes 😘

[Deleted Member]

I think you are being too critical of others. Each dynamic and/or relationship is different. It sounds like you had an ideal situation there, for a while. It stings that it's gone but it's time to open yourself for other experiences. Keep looking, keep testing suitable men and you will find your happiness.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, BrattySubT said:

Babe, I don't mean to sound horrible but most of them will tell you you are the best sub they have ever had. Please don't take that to heart, I just say it to open your eyes.
You can find it again with someone you just need to be clear on what YOU want from the relationship.
If you don't like control, and are more of a bratt like me, take a look at my bio and start your own list of things you like and be clear what don't want to do. You are allowed to have NO's and still be a good sub. It's not defiant if they know it's a No from the beginning.
I believe what makes me a good sub is learning my Dom like my own body. How to tease, wind up and please is all part of the package.
You don't have to accept mean or degrading Dom behaviour. If that's their kink, they are just not for you and are dangerous to your relationship with your own sexual appetite. They could easily make you hate doing this.
Please protect your kinky side by taking this thrilling experience with your dreamy sounding Dom as a lesson, he has been able to show you what this can be, education in what you like and what clearly want to experience again. Keep notes 😘

I had somebody tell me to take a bunch of stuff off my profile, including my limits… he said that it was a turn off, and that I would never get a real dom doing that.

[ro****]

I don’t think it’s a first love thing. He just set your standards and boundaries for what you want and looking for and that’s perfectly fine. I find the same doms as well. Either very strict doms or “doms” who just really want roughy sex and control. I am also into primal with a foundation of a caretaker which might be what your looking for. Most Caretakers want to care for and nurture their subs in all ways not just sexual.

[Deleted Member]

40 minutes ago, roxyvega34 said:

I don’t think it’s a first love thing. He just set your standards and boundaries for what you want and looking for and that’s perfectly fine. I find the same doms as well. Either very strict doms or “doms” who just really want roughy sex and control. I am also into primal with a foundation of a caretaker which might be what your looking for. Most Caretakers want to care for and nurture their subs in all ways not just sexual.

Yeah, that’s right. You hit the nail right on the head.

[Deleted Member]

You feelings are valid. Any dom who says to remove limits is a danger and should be blocked.
.
You are extremely fortunate to have had a brilliant first experience. Most are not that lucky.
.
Now you have experienced what it should be like, you will not be so easy to trick.
.
Remember your next dom will not the be same, they will be good in their own unique way, and bad at things someone else is better at. I am crap at Shibari for example.
.
It might be worth looking for a local munch, they are a great way to meet people, and also allow you to meet potential doms in a safe(er) space.

[Deleted Member]

27 minutes ago, Chesterfield_Dreams said:

You feelings are valid. Any dom who says to remove limits is a danger and should be blocked.
.
You are extremely fortunate to have had a brilliant first experience. Most are not that lucky.
.
Now you have experienced what it should be like, you will not be so easy to trick.
.
Remember your next dom will not the be same, they will be good in their own unique way, and bad at things someone else is better at. I am crap at Shibari for example.
.
It might be worth looking for a local munch, they are a great way to meet people, and also allow you to meet potential doms in a safe(er) space.

I tried looking to see if there was anything local, but I can’t find anything. And I don’t know how to do it outside this app. 😖

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, Nyah88 said:

I had somebody tell me to take a bunch of stuff off my profile, including my limits… he said that it was a turn off, and that I would never get a real dom doing that.

Maybe that guy was wrong? Would a real dom be turned off by a sub being upfront? Isn’t that what BDSM (safe, sane and consensual) strongly values between a sub and a dom? Sorry for all the questions but being new to this myself, I can’t help but think I’d be turned off if I got that feedback from a dom, especially if you have hard limits. I personally think that like any relationship, communication is key. If they aren’t willing to take the time to learn about you and your wants, needs and limits before you actually start doing stuff, then you definitely shouldn’t start with them at all, you need to ensure your own safety until you know that can trust them. 

[AKA_Copper]

I've a different take to the other comments.
You were possibly experiencing sub frenzy where everything's new and sparkly and you were feeling emotions at an intensity you haven't before.
Without being mean, it was an 8week max relationship which ended 6weeks ago tops.
Sub frenzy is 💩 it feels great in the moment but we've all lost our heads because of it. I couldn't even have told you my name, all I could think of was him, him and him.
You need to give yourself time before you start looking for someone new because whoever they are, whilst you're still pining for him, they aren't going to make the cut and who knows, they might once you've given yourself a chance to process this last relationship and you're able to give them a chance.

[Ma****]

Everything takes time slave. Try to take pleasure dont try to compare ppl in sex. Every one of US is different. Just go forward and be happy. Best wishes🙂

[do****]

Yes you should
Be critical
And yes having a loss of a dom is rough but be patient someone will show u, u are special and allow u and them to do things with the jealousy of next relationship if they are adult and good to u as a sub. Keep
In touch u seem like good people and nice to learn more about.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you all so much, I feel less crazy now. Some of your comments really makes sense to me. I am glad to know that I’m not alone in this feeling and I absolutely agree that it’s less about him and more about the freedom he gave me, that I had never felt before.

[BruiseWayne]

13 hours ago, Nyah88 said:

I had somebody tell me to take a bunch of stuff off my profile, including my limits… he said that it was a turn off, and that I would never get a real dom doing that.

People who act like this are jabbing and poking at you because they're manipulative and they like holding the wrong kind of power over others. They're trying to find someone insecure to prey on by seeing how you react to their rudeness and criticism of you. Don't. That's how abusive people try to get their foot in the door. You should run fast and far in the other direction instead of actually giving anything they're saying an ounce of consideration or letting it get to you in the least.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Nyah88 said:

I tried looking to see if there was anything local, but I can’t find anything. And I don’t know how to do it outside this app. 😖

Try fet life. It’s a website rather than an app. Think of it at Facebook got kink.

Not as good as this at finding people, but much easier for finding local events etc.

[QXX666]

It will take time but you will find another one similar if not better…

[John54]

I don't mean this unkindly, but if you're still texting, in what sense has he left (or in what sense are you letting him leave more to the point?) And if you've not let him go I wonder if you're allowing yourself space to grieve, become reconciled over time to the change and find the emotional space for a new relationship?

[Br****]

On 2/12/2023 at 5:49 AM, Nyah88 said:

I had somebody tell me to take a bunch of stuff off my profile, including my limits… he said that it was a turn off, and that I would never get a real dom doing that.

You don't want a Dom that doesn't allow for limits nor cares about how you feel about certain things. Look how yours cared for you! You don't have to be as tough as me, I have mine for specific reasons from my ADHD and past traumas.
Really it's simple, if you don't like it, have it as a NO. This way they will also appreciate it when you offer to do it as a one off for them. Also, not every man is your Dom, you don't have to listen to the d**khead ones 😘 Tell them to keep f**king themselves if they don't like your limits, they love to hate that one 😏 #BratForever

[Exploringli-8994]

Can you move the relationship to a mentor? I had a Dom I really trusted and started to fall in love with. Because of the fact that I can't handle a deep emotional connection to someone so far away, things fizzled out. Now I go to him with questions and when I need advice. Him being a mentor, was a lot easier than the *** of cutting off all contact.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, John54 said:

I don't mean this unkindly, but if you're still texting, in what sense has he left (or in what sense are you letting him leave more to the point?) And if you've not let him go I wonder if you're allowing yourself space to grieve, become reconciled over time to the change and find the emotional space for a new relationship?

You are right, and someone pointed out last night that if he was really as good as I thought then why did he just disappear and only respond when it’s convenient for him. That helped open my eyes a lot. It makes me feel like I am ready to let him go. But it also scares me

[John54]

I'm glad you had that conversation.