Serious question

[se****]

When does compromise and negotiation come in?
Context:
A dom met his sub online, they were almost a perfect match. They got to know each other, met in person, played a few times, had sex ect. Somewhere along the line

They’re having a long serious discussion, and come to find out the sub doesn’t want certain things the dom wants to do. And the dom doesn’t want certain things the sub wants to do. And both parties are firm on their points.




Random example: you want to play with the basketball. I give you my reason why I don’t think you should be playing with the basketball. You understand my reasoning, then proceed to give me your reason why you don’t want to stop playing with the basketball. I also understand your reason… but now what.


At this point, what do we tell them? Just give up and continue searching? They both check at least 8/10 boxes for each other. I believe this must be a common situation in all types of relationships. it’s probably a hard question to answer with no real topic, but you have a good idea of what I’m saying here.


How do you go about that, without just splitting or one person getting what they want, and the other not being satisfied. Do you condone sacrifice? Having one side give up what they wanted to please the other?


I believe there has to be another way to go about this besides just slitting. Because maybe in a perfect world everyone gets what they want. But in reality it’s not always going to be to that what. So what do y’all think?

[Wi****]

This is way simpler than you're making it out to be. Either these are non negotiable terms, and it won't work out if one side doesn't agree and it's over, or you make a compromise, and make it work

[Ch****]

I generally start with what both people need, the must haves, if we fail on those then it ends for me personally, neither should give up those things, its simply incompatibility. If they held something back after meeting that i couldnt give then it also ends there. X x

[ey****]

a lot sometimes comes down to context and a lot of relationships do have an element of compromise

but it's also important to avoid resentment.  

if someone is being asked to give something up, or start doing something or whatever - is there a like-for-like equivalent that the other person would do for them?  Because often there is not.  And that is when sometimes resentment can set in.

Incidentally; some of the above is what leads people to different types of ENM situations - that ok you want to do this, and I really won't do it - BUT - I don't mind you doing it with someone else providing x, y, z

But if it has to be mono and there's two points which can't be reasonably compromised which are dealbreakers - it might be that this isn't going to work and that has to be accepted. 

[Deleted Member]

I think this is why some D’s and s’s make contracts before fully embarking on a full dynamic so both know where each other stands when it comes to wants/needs etc and why it’s reviewed every few months. I also think there does have to be compromise on both sides of the dynamic, plus all dynamics should be fluid and able to grow as what one person likes or dislikes at the start may change as the dynamic grows and the bond and connection deepens

[UK****]

3 hours ago, searchingformyslave said:

A dom met his sub online, they were almost a perfect match. 

Well we start with the problem, from what you've said they didn't know that.  In order to have  a perfect match you need not only the 'normal' factors of compatibility, you also need sufficient kink match for both to be happy.  It sounds like they never discussed what they felt must be there in that regard.

Communication should start before play.

 

[ar****]

It's simple really. NO prevails above YES, always. Really wanting something that someone really doesn't, you can't *** the other not can you expect them to give up their wellbeing in the light of "compromise".

[Na****]

Be open about the kind of play you want from the start and establish a contract that says what each partner can and cannot have. Not asking about limits before starting is the big, and unfortunately common mistake.

[He****]

To be honest you can never perfectly match with anyone, so this kind of thing will always come up. You can compromise or you don't, depends on how important those points are to you. If 8 from 10 boxes are being ticked I'll take that, better than 2 from 10 to me. Nobody is perfect.

[St****]

I always discuss hard and soft boundaries ahead of time.

[CopperKnob]

Your opening question really doesn't match your example.
.
So your opening question asks, the sub doesn't want to participate in acitivities the Dom does and so at what point does compromise come in to play.
.
Your example is very different, where you describe that the Dom doesn't want the sub doing a certain acitivity and is putting their wants ahead of the subs by asking that they don't participate in that activity.
.
Do you see the difference? It's nuanced but it's there.
.
Whilst they both come down to negotiation/compromise, the former may work out if both parties do in fact discuss and accept what the other person wants/needs.
.
In your example it's unlikely to work out if one or both individuals are putting their needs/wants ahead of the other persons.
.
At the end of the day, is the person (disregarding kink) important enough for you (in the royal sense) to put their needs/wants ahead of your own? If so compromise/negotiation is really simple.

[BigPolly]

The context isn’t as simple as this. Limits are incredibly personal but are also changeable over time so it would come down to many factors, limits, boundaries, the person/people involved, personal choice to let go of a kink you love etc.
THIS is why our world is so tricky, we are all looking for that person who matches us & our kinks perfectly.
In reality that is virtually impossible to find so it then boils down to either compromise, which helps you discover new kinks or miss out & you end up feeling resentful or walk away & keep searching for what you’re looking for.
Anyone saying you can’t perfectly match … & I’m aware I am the exception here … but you can perfectly match as my partner & I do.
Our kinks are on the exact same path, we are open about any ideas we like & we have not yet found anything that the other doesn’t like, want to try etc
However I am fully aware of how lucky I am & that we’re in the minority.
I think a lot also boils down to trust. Not that limits should be dropped but trust allows you to discover a world beyond your own limits sometimes (depending on what they are)
I’m 47 & for me personally I’d have kept on playing with ‘one offs’ to gain what I wanted if I hadn’t met my partner as even though it sounds selfish, I feel I’m too old to compromise for everyone else’s needs without my own being met.

Edited March 1, 2023 by BigPolly

[RosineK]

It's not sacrifice, it's compromise. An integral part of all functional relationships.

[Deleted Member]

That conversation should be had long before the sex

[Deleted Member]

The more I read men writing about this subject the more it becomes apparent that they seem to think it’s like a game/ if they check off 8/10 boxes they should get a prize. Even if it’s not a win. Women usually want something a lot deeper than that. Men think of sex as a perfunctory thing - not much different than taking a sh*t. While women see it as romance and connection.

[de****]

Boundaries from both parties need to be respected.
8/10 boxes being checked is probably the best it's going to get.
If you need to keep exploring and you're not ready to commit, probably better to move on and find partners suited toward your other interests

[de****]

1 hour ago, PillowPrincess1 said:

That conversation should be had long before the sex

I agree

[QXX666]

Sound like you rush the communication and connection stage?
If you have discussed in details and throughly all the components of your Ds relationship you shouldn’t have that dilemma now.
You and your sub should have talk about the hard limits, likes and the maybies. Once it’s been agreed nobody would be surprised or come to find out situation then….

[ey****]

I guess of course for any 'boxes'

which are "would like to have" and which are "mandatory"

If someone ticks 8 out of 10 boxes and of these two ticked are mandatory and the two not ticked are 'would like to have' then no issue

if someone ticks 9 out of 10 boxes and one not ticked is mandatory - then you are not compatible.  

Remember of course the other person also has their own criteria they are looking for

So if you fall outside of one of their mandatory criteria - then you are not compatible. 

and it might suck especially if there's other things in common.  but it depends here on what this mandatory difference is.  But sometimes you have to accept you're not compatible with someone and certainly mustn't expect them to make the changes or drop requirements for you to work, especially if you're unwilling to do the same.

[QXX666]

1 hour ago, PillowPrincess1 said:

The more I read men writing about this subject the more it becomes apparent that they seem to think it’s like a game/ if they check off 8/10 boxes they should get a prize. Even if it’s not a win. Women usually want something a lot deeper than that. Men think of sex as a perfunctory thing - not much different than taking a sh*t. While women see it as romance and connection.

Totally disagree with you. First the OP talked about a Ds relationship not just a sex thing. 
Also many men enjoy the deep connection as much as women, and some women don’t care about romance and just want the sex aspect of bdsm. 

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Hels1920 said:

To be honest you can never perfectly match with anyone, so this kind of thing will always come up. You can compromise or you don't, depends on how important those points are to you. If 8 from 10 boxes are being ticked I'll take that, better than 2 from 10 to me. Nobody is perfect.

I like what you said! It is true- how much of a dealbreaker are these things? Sometimes things change as the relationship deepens and develops. My list of soft limits are completely out the window now that I have been with my Dom for some time. I understand there are acts or kinks that we need to just feel happy sexually. Are they acts that you can fulfill in a different relationship or let go for now?

[se****]

@PillowPrincess1 this has nothing to do with that? Neither party in this situation is expected any kind of reward just because they’ve had sex, or checked off any boxes. While it is true that these conversations should be had before sex ect, this is why I mentioned that we live in reality where everything isn’t done perfectly all the time. I’m sure you, me, and everyone else here has mad mistakes in relationships before. The big question here is, is it really best to just keep hoping partners every time your relationship isn’t perfect to the T.

[De****]

This conversation should have happened before they played. Period.

[Da****]

4 hours ago, PillowPrincess1 said:

The more I read men writing about this subject the more it becomes apparent that they seem to think it’s like a game/ if they check off 8/10 boxes they should get a prize. Even if it’s not a win. Women usually want something a lot deeper than that. Men think of sex as a perfunctory thing - not much different than taking a sh*t. While women see it as romance and connection.

Why are you making this a men vs women thing?

[se****]

Ok I don’t know if everyone read the whole thread. But as I’ve mentioned before, everything cannot always be perfect. Plus things change during any type of relationship, you can discover new limits or fantasies. But I’m seeing a lot of “the conversation should’ve been had before” and i agree, but telling someone “you shouldn’t have done that” doesn’t solve the current problem. The question here is what happens next, not what should’ve happened before. We’re trying to figure out if there’s any other way to get through that situation, without simply just splitting. Because again, the world is not perfect. No relationships would end if everything was done perfectly, I don’t expect there to be a guaranteed solution, just advice and thoughts to help anyone who comes across this problem. I really don’t think “just find a new partner” is the best advice, because then we’re just normalizing leaving whenever you don’t get what you want. And that’s a bit childish.