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Depression management and submission


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Posted
If you have experience please share your thoughts, if you just like the sound of your voice, with all due respect, STFU.

I’m trying to find a healthy balance between one of my baby’s desire for submission and managing her clinical depression. Appreciate your thoughts if you have experience in such matters.

Some clarification here may be helpful… yes she’s on medication, and yes I make sure she takes it, as far as I can influence.

Most of the time the two experiences are not connected (beyond being attached to the same individual 🤪).

When she is in submission the depression never manifests, however I do not want her to become dependent on submission as a depression management technique.
Posted
And you really believe that you are getting specialized medically sound advice here...
Posted
Do you live together? How long ha e you been together? What kind of Ds relationship it is?
Does she have a mental health support worker?
The only thing you can do is positively support her, you are not a mental health professional so don’t try to interfere too deep with her issue. Depression is a long term working processing.
I had many subs with diverse mental health issue from past trauma and the best way is to seperate the issues and bdsm time. It a lll depends of your skills and life experience tbh.
So just concentrate on the kink side of it. Most mental health professional tend to stop this kind of interaction so be prepared of maybe loosing her
Booboo-8759
Posted
The baby in question also suffers substance abuse.... medication load plus additional substance/mal nourishment can create psychotic episodes requiring hospitalisation. To clarify, she suffers more than just depression.....without an appropriate care team symptoms may worsen having a negative impact on submission and it's ability to keep her focused.
littlemiss37
Posted
I have eupd and have had to seek therapy . U can't b her therapist . Mayb encourage therapy x
Posted
As I like to be submissive and have mental health issues quite badly. I've noticed in the past I've only wanted to be treated like a sub because I wasn't well. Whether it was a high mood or low mood .... I've been poorly for 15 years and it's never going away but you can get to a medicated state of normality. Basically, she needs to be well in herself before being your sub. I hope that helps ???
Posted
36 minutes ago, ThatsHard said:
And you really believe that you are getting specialized medically sound advice here...

I’m not seeking medical advice, just other people’s experiences

Posted
14 minutes ago, Booboo-8759 said:
The baby in question also suffers substance abuse.... medication load plus additional substance/mal nourishment can create psychotic episodes requiring hospitalisation. To clarify, she suffers more than just depression.....without an appropriate care team symptoms may worsen having a negative impact on submission and it's ability to keep her focused.

Fortunately there is no substance abuse or other issues here, just a deep desire for submission interlaced with occasional depressive episodes

Posted
9 minutes ago, Lettieatw said:
As I like to be submissive and have mental health issues quite badly. I've noticed in the past I've only wanted to be treated like a sub because I wasn't well. Whether it was a high mood or low mood .... I've been poorly for 15 years and it's never going away but you can get to a medicated state of normality. Basically, she needs to be well in herself before being your sub. I hope that helps ???

Thank you, did you ever feel under pressure to suppress your submissive desires? Your feedback is appreciated, and I wish you all the best for maintaining your balance!

Posted
17 minutes ago, Booboo-8759 said:

The baby in question also suffers substance abuse.... medication load plus additional substance/mal nourishment can create psychotic episodes requiring hospitalisation. To clarify, she suffers more than just depression.....without an appropriate care team symptoms may worsen having a negative impact on submission and it's ability to keep her focused.

I would say it’s best to concentrate on being well first then back into bdsm when the mind is clear. There is a risk of abuse if the person doesn’t have all the capacity to fully understand the implication of a submission. 

Posted (edited)

A person with mental illness: I don't understand why people keep thinking there's some magic ways or pills for this.🤦‍♀️ My best advise like others mentioned are to separate the two, and stay away from "managing" part. I don't know your baby, but there is a chance you might be opening a can of worms. To be on the safe side and sanity... just be a listening ear. Well if you want to be her savior or white knight, then up to you.

Edited by seonny
Wrote it wrong.
Posted
1 hour ago, Lettieatw said:
As I like to be submissive and have mental health issues quite badly. I've noticed in the past I've only wanted to be treated like a sub because I wasn't well. Whether it was a high mood or low mood .... I've been poorly for 15 years and it's never going away but you can get to a medicated state of normality. Basically, she needs to be well in herself before being your sub. I hope that helps ???

Sorry @Lettieatw in my rush to thank you for your response I missed one of your points which was really important. You mentioned recognising that you sometimes used submission because of mental health issues. This is precisely my fear that as a daddy, am I helping her or feeding the monster.

Suckyourtoes
Posted
The reason some people are submissive is due to depression and low self esteem. It’s difficult to separate the two.
Posted
2 hours ago, littlemiss37 said:
I have eupd and have had to seek therapy . U can't b her therapist . Mayb encourage therapy x

Thank you, we are trying therapy also with limited results so far, it’s an area for improvement.

Posted
3 hours ago, QXX666 said:
Do you live together? How long ha e you been together? What kind of Ds relationship it is?
Does she have a mental health support worker?
The only thing you can do is positively support her, you are not a mental health professional so don’t try to interfere too deep with her issue. Depression is a long term working processing.
I had many subs with diverse mental health issue from past trauma and the best way is to seperate the issues and bdsm time. It a lll depends of your skills and life experience tbh.
So just concentrate on the kink side of it. Most mental health professional tend to stop this kind of interaction so be prepared of maybe loosing her

You’re right that I’m absolutely not her mental health worker, instead I am her rock which comes with its own set of responsibilities. We try to keep the mental issues and submission separated. For example we do not use submission as a means to escape an ongoing depressive episode - it’s actually easy because she wouldn’t be up to it anyway. I wonder are there any telltale signs that would point to a need to cease submission play entirely.

Posted
2 minutes ago, TanjiroLondon said:

wonder are there any telltale signs that would point to a need to cease submission play entirely.

During a session? 

Posted
2 hours ago, seonny said:

A person with mental illness: I don't understand why people keep thinking there's some magic ways or pills for this.🤦‍♀️ My best advise like others mentioned are to separate the two, and stay away from "managing" part. I don't know your baby, but there is a chance you might be opening a can of worms. To be on the safe side and sanity... just be a listening ear. Well if you want to be her savior or white knight, then up to you.

I think ultimately I just don’t want to be causing harm, she tells me that I’m not making things worse, she tells me that she loves the submission. If the two conditions can genuinely remain mutually exclusive then I would feel more comfortable.

Posted
6 minutes ago, QXX666 said:

During a session? 

The depression has never manifest during a session so I have no examples of that.

Posted
10 minutes ago, TanjiroLondon said:

I think ultimately I just don’t want to be causing harm, she tells me that I’m not making things worse, she tells me that she loves the submission. If the two conditions can genuinely remain mutually exclusive then I would feel more comfortable.

I had a past relationship that opened my eyes. Dated a guy who had depression. I thought since he had mental illness and I had it, we had something in common, and would become a stronger bond. NOPE! The guy did nothing in making himself better, and just lived with it. This drained me. The point, just keep one eye always open. 

Posted

I think instead of thinking of stuff like Clinical Depression - assume you're playing with someone who says they have a physical condition you've never heard of (I was going to use 'broken leg' as an example - which can work, but there's stuff we know how to deal with someone who wants to play who has a broken leg)

so constant communication of what works and what makes things worse.   Ask for info.

you need them to be also working on things, which could be medicating and following doctors orders.   Like, if you were playing with someone with an ankle injury it's not going to get better if you're careful with them and they then go try to go for a jog after

tell them you're happy to play with them, but it's no substitute and that, well, for a whole bunch of reasons you can't *always* play with them.  

If they are getting a bit much for you, as dealing with people with depression can do so, see about a wider support network or respite for yourself.  It shouldn't all come down to you, since you are not a medical professional

Posted
I think you're right to be cautious. It's fine to be someones "rock" but there's a fine line before a total reliance on one person/thing develops because nothing lasts forever and the potential for such a loss would be so very detrimental I'm guessing.
I don't have any real advice, simply it's refreshing to hear from someone that recognises that whilst BDSM may be helpful, it's not therapy/treatment and it's a fine line
Posted
Depression comes in a huge variety of forms and can be associated with a number of tacked on issues. As a general rule depressive episodes come and go in waves from a few weeks to months.
If your partner suffers from the more apathetic kind of Depression I can see very much how it would ease the symptoms, from personal experience.
I often describe it with spoons. Imagine you start the day with a limited number of spoons. Everything you do costs you a spoon. If you run out you won't be able to do anything else today. Get out of bed? Spoon. Take a shower? Spoon. Decide what to eat? Spoon. Go shopping? Probably more than one Spoon.
You get the idea, I think.

In a healthy partnership I would totally rely on my partner to carry me through a bad day by delegating decisions. The enormous trust in a relationship where you practice BDSM makes that possible and I'd see it as beneficial for myself.

But... I am not your partner. Ask how her Depression manifests, what helps in dealing with it and then how you can make it easier. Depending on that her submitting to you could actually be quite healthy. If she just wants to delegate the decision making, then you're helping her save spoons she can then use later.
If that desire comes from something like the desire for self harm it's an entirely different thing.

A word of caution: No matter what specific expression of Depression your partner has, it is important to not overstep her boundaries. The potential for aggression (towards others) and autoaggression (towards herself) cannot be understated. You cannot help someone who doesn't want you to help and if in doubt you absolutely need to bounce it to the professionals.

It is also a good idea to have her take the topic to her counselor, if she has one. In the end that is a normally neutral arbiter of what is healthy for a patient.

Best of luck to both of you!
Posted
I’m in a very similar situation now myself. My partner at this time happens to be on depression medication also.
We’re going on six months now but about three months into our session/ dynamics She achieved sub space and the day after dropped severally. ARCH explains this better than me but after care is very important. I’m also encouraging her to take her medicine daily as prescribed and have found that with proper after care from intense sessions we have been able to avoid any increase in depression after sessions
Always take care of your subs and watch for signs of needs
Good luck I hope I’ve helped
Nocturne
Posted

Firstly I'd suggest seeing whether any sort of therapy is an option.

Secondly, I don't know whether your sub has a drop in mood after the euphoria of a scene, this is quite common especially in those predisposed to any sort of mental ailments, for this I would recommend paying attention to what kind of aftercare is most helpful, as well as some physical exercise, which in my experience can help prevent or lessen the drop after a scene, for both subs and Doms. 

It's good that you keep submission and their mental health separate, personally I think that when in great mental distress, it's a good time to take a break from things that might become unhealthy coping mechanisms, stepping away from scenes, and if possible alcohol, smoking, and such other things. This can help with making addiction less likely or less damaging, though that line of thought would bring me off topic for this.

In addition, like Seonny said, it can be draining for a partner of someone with mental illness to be their rock if that person is actively avoiding treatment or other types of help to reduce their struggle. I've had a sub who was severely depressed where I felt responsible for their mental health, while they refused to try any sort of form of therapy or self-help, making me seem like the one thing separating them from a spiral of drugs, self harm and worse. This is something that anyone in any relationships needs to be careful about. I've dealt with mental illness myself, but I have also been on the other side where a mentally ill person's inability to seek help and dependence on me affected me horribly, hence why I have such a need to ensure that if I do get into any sort of depressive episode, I make it my own responsibility first, my therapists' second, and not that of friends and family.

To go back to the drop thing, I experience that myself too, as a Dom, after scenes. It can last some hours, or days. In my day-to-day life I also experience a similar drop after intensive exercise, what helps me prevent this from getting increasingly worse is taking time to exercise and go outside. It's a piece of advice many depressed people are tired of hearing, and it's certainly not a cure, but it's an important step to make in recovery, no amount of therapy will save someone from their depression if they can't find a way to get out of the house or even at home do some things to move their body.

 I hope that at least some part of my thoughts on this will be helpful.

Posted
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread, there is some really excellent advice here, somewhat more than I had hoped or expected ❤️
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