Deleted Member Posted August 29, 2023 Posted August 29, 2023 My rules for it, is I'll never be in either role with someone for the first time without a safeword/signal (in case of gagging etc). If I'm in the dom role, it's up to the sub to approach me in regards no safewords, and I'll only agree to it if I'm confident with their limits and appreciation of risk. If I'm a sub, I'll only approach a dom about no safewords once I trust they know my limits and have shown they won't *** them. And there's absolutely no negotiation in either of those circumstances, removal of safewords requires both parties to agree confidently outside the dom/sub space (so it's not agreed upon only as a result of power dynamics at that time).
ey**** Posted August 30, 2023 Posted August 30, 2023 As another kind of take - while we look at reasons why some developed relationships *may* not require them Also at a new level they may not be necessary - and - before there's a gasp, but also to combat extreme examples. What is the actual purpose of a safeword ? And the answer to that is that in play a "no" might not mean "no" so it's a differentiation between "no (but I mean yes)" and potentially in harder play the difference between no/screams/tears/stop/please and "actually I want to stop" But 'no' and 'stop' are often perfectly valid words. Equally, if it is something like leg is in cramp, cuff isn't on properly, etc you can just say "I've got a cramp", "this cuff isn't right", "please don't strike me there any more", "I'm not in the mood for that toy today" without prefixing it with red/mercy/strawberries/etc And I'm not saying bin off safewords, they're a tool, but they're not the only tool.
Wo**** Posted August 30, 2023 Posted August 30, 2023 Honestly, there is no reason not to have a safe word.
DarkArts1066 Posted August 30, 2023 Posted August 30, 2023 Good points, well raised there @eyemblacksheep. It feels like the topic comes back to the depth of understanding between two (or more) consenting adults. Personally, I will never play without a safeword in place - for the protection of everyone involved. But I do accept that when people have a lot of experience with each other over time, their level of intricate understanding increases, and can become almost predictive in a way. In my experience though, this is still no substitute for having an agreed safeword. In those key moments, with heightened levels of excitement, (for example, when a person is nearing orgasm - or approaching subspace) it is possible for a person to forget a safeword - or forget to use that safeword. Thus, safety is all about the layers of understanding between individuals. I am talking about more advanced levels of play now… not your average ‘Saturday night OTK spanking while the kids are out’ scenario. I think discussing and implementing safewords shows maturity and consideration also, and alludes to a depth of knowledge and understanding.
ey**** Posted August 30, 2023 Posted August 30, 2023 yep - absolutely, I think there's always got to be the element that (aside from being gagged!) why someone might not safeword and it's always important to be aware of partner. The last person I played with who was doing a scene where they were on the receiving end - we had an interrogation angle and basically every time things were getting too much they gave a random boys name. They also specifically wanted to try some things to the point of giving up a name - so that worked in the whole context (and as subs will surprise, I did a very cruel whipping they took no problem - but just placing a gas mask on them resulted in an immediate name given up. When I play when I am on the receiving end, I tend not to pre raise safewords - but if asked I say I'll use red or mercy (mercy is usually better for camera) but I would expect anyone to understand if I shouted red or mercy. Mind, I was gobsmacked once, so were many onlookers, when one Domme was confused when I shouted amber. But it still had a desired result, while she didn't know what I meant (despite being a house domme and signs up all around saying 'we use the traffic light system') it did stop her long enough for me to communicate the problem.
IA**** Posted September 12, 2023 Posted September 12, 2023 I think that like in any complex construct like BDSM, there can be justification in exclusion of certain features for the sake of immersion. That said, I would argue that it is healthier to just always have one, because even if you’re sure you’re completely safe, it makes literally no sense to under-prepare. Especially in a community in which critical failures in communication or consent can have lifelong changes on one’s psyche.
po**** Posted September 13, 2023 Posted September 13, 2023 personally, i always have a safe word. i think it’s just a safety thing if that make sense
Mi**** Posted September 17, 2023 Posted September 17, 2023 The sub has to be able to stop a scene if needed. Whether that’s a safeword, a safe gesture or some other pre-determined mechanism Is up to the sub and their Dom. Not only for the safety of the sub, but for the peace of mind of the Dom. The Dom must be able to trust that the sub is consenting to what is happening. If there is no way for the sub to communicate that they need the scene to stop, that no longer becomes clear.
wa**** Posted March 11 Posted March 11 We've discussed and made "pineapple" the word as we don't use it in any discussion in the bedroom. But if there's a problem of any sort, we usually just say "wait" and then mention why continuing would be a problem. It has never been a breach of limits, usually it's to inform that someone is visiting and if I'm ok with it.
Sh**** Posted March 13 Posted March 13 From what I can tell going with the traffic light system seems to work well. Green keep going, yellow to take things easy for a little bit, red to stop, the most important thing though, is still communication and trust. Everyone in the same needs to know what the safe words are, and trust they won’t be ignored if someone uses said safewords  
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