Playing Nice | Know Your BDSM Play Party Etiquette?

Play parties and group sex require attention to detail, covering everything from privacy concerns to changing rooms and basic BDSM play party etiquette. So, whether you're going to a play party for the first time or trying your hand at hosting one, there are some things to remember that will make everyone’s experience better. Cameryn Moore explains all.

Be aware of privacy considerations

When attending or hosting a kink party, community standards vary. Even a BDSM munch - a purely social gathering of kinksters out in a non-play public space like a restaurant - can raise concerns in small towns where everyone knows everyone else's business.

When hosting a BDSM play party, make sure your directions are as precise as possible so that attendees don't wind up knocking on the doors of neighboring houses or storefronts. Signage, if any, should be discreet; consider using other, less apparent markers or landmarks to show the way.

Also, make sure that parking is legit and that no one will get their car awkwardly towed thanks to being at your party. Ask in advance for essential information about attendees, but protect that information carefully, don't share it around.

Discretion goes both ways

Unless you have secured a spot designed for play in a non-residential area, research how sound-proof the space is, even a well-behaved foursome can make a lot of noise. And let's not get started on how loud a couple of floggers and multiple orgasms can be if it's all happening simultaneously!

Even the most well-behaved can end up making a ton of noise.

Suppose you're attending a BDSM play party that goes beyond your particular social circle. In that case, you're playing with people who you don't know and can't approach directly. Look for policies about consent, privacy, mobile phone storage, and code of conduct. Also, look for permissible activities posted prominently at the event and wherever it's promoted online. (Google "kink party code of conduct" for a range of policies to peruse.) If you are hosting such a party, make sure you get those policies out there and be ready to back that up.

Do include in your code of conduct information about dress codes. You may think what to wear to a play party is obvious, but not everyone has resources for that, or they may need to plan if you're doing it on a specific theme. Consider whether people are traveling; if they need to bring special outfits, this is information they should have ahead of time.

Finally, if you are the host, make sure to emphasize to your guests that what happens at the party stays at the party. You can't prevent gossip, but let people know that that's the expectation.

BDSM Play Party Privacy

At the party itself, comfort is more than just plenty of clean sheets, towels, and complimentary safer sex supplies (if the event allows genital contact). Continue thinking about privacy, with a room or rooms where people can change into their outfits. When looking for kink events, find out about policies for the changing rooms, as changing rooms shouldn't be used for play spaces. Some people need an area where they can transition from the outside world to the world of play.

The personal touch at a BDSM play party is essential.

With this in mind, you might look for spaces with room for a non-play lounge - or make space available if you're hosting a play party of your own. Having a non-play-oriented room where people can retreat from the action if they want to, have regular conversations, and make that transition if they need to, can make the entire experience much more comfortable for everyone.

Now that you’ve got all of this in place, or found a space that does, find out how to en*** these rules and spaces. Many commercial and organisational play spaces have monitors who walk around to make sure that people follow the rules. Such spaces don’t have CCTV (don’t go to a club that has cameras) so, the personal touch here is essential.

If you're hosting a BDSM play party, and it's larger than that quiet foursome, ensure that you are monitoring yourself or rope in a couple of friends to help share the burden. Figure out ahead of time what you will do if you see anything sketchy going on, and make sure your co-monitors AND your party-goers know about your plan of action.

When you research attending parties, you’ll find the events that fit you best and have your comfort and security in mind. When you’ve laid the groundwork properly as a host, you should end up doing more standard hosting duties than anything else: are there enough towels for the guests, does everyone have enough to drink, did someone switch the Spotify channel while your back was turned?

Cameryn Moore is an award-winning playwright/performer, sex activist and educator, sidewalk pornographer, and a long-time (former) phone sex operator.