Molly’s BDSM Tips | How Should a Domme Dress?

What kind of image comes to mind when thinking of a female Dominant? All latex, high heels and a whip? Well, out there in the wider world, many hold these kinds of preconceived ideas about how a female Dominant should dress, but these are led mostly by fantasy. This week, our Molly responds to one Domme on how she can beat these fixed ideas. 
 

Dear Molly, 
Through a previous partner, I discovered that I enjoy being in the Dominant role in my relationships, particularly when it comes to sex and kink. Sadly that relationship ended, but recently I've spent time online seeing if I might meet someone new. However, I find that many so-called "submissive" men seem to have a very fixed idea of what a female Dominant is. It almost feels like a caricature of a femdomme - all latex corsets, high heel boots and whip cracking. Sometimes that can be fun, but I'm looking for a relationship where I get to wear my pyjamas while teasing my lovely subby man. Is that a thing, or do I have to wear a corset and high heels to be taken seriously as a female Dominant?
Afem Dom
 

Dear Afem Dom,
Ahhh, the archetypal female Dominant, clad in black latex, fishnet stockings and thigh-high killer heel boots. It's the standard that female Dominants must wear to be taken seriously as the one in charge. Think Michelle Pfeiffer as Cat Woman. For many people, it's the first image that springs to mind when you mention the words female Dominant or Dominatrix. This image is often portrayed in porn and mainstream media, catering to the fantasy of what a female Dominant is rather than the actuality.  

Do submissive men want that?

Clearly, there's a demand for that type of Dominant female encounter; otherwise, those narratives wouldn't exist. There's nothing wrong with someone getting off on that aspect of female Domination. Still, if it's the only part of the fantasy that works for the submissive, I don't think they're looking for a female-led relationship but a female-led scene or experience. They want the Dominatrix fantasy, not the whole person who sometimes wears slippers, pyjamas and cries at soppy movies.
 

Professional Dominatrix versus relationship Domme

There are many submissive men, particularly those who are new to kink and D/s, who have this idea of what a female Dominant is, how she will perform that role in a way that meets their fantasies of such an interaction. 

Mostly these men are thinking about individual experiences rather than the broader context of a relationship. They're most likely looking for a free female Dominatrix experience, probably in some kink dungeon. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, mind you. However, they'd probably be better off looking for a professional Domme to provide that service; some femdommes like that form of partnership too. You're not one of them, and I think the key is that you make that clear right from the get-go.  


There's a clear distinction between looking for a female-led relationship as opposed to a female-led scene or experience.

Be clear about what you want/who you are

You mention looking online for a new relationship, and so I can only assume you're potentially using dating apps like here on FET, where you have a profile. Make sure that your profile is open and honest about what you are looking for. While you may have shared the kinds of kinks you are into, it's essential to be clear that you're looking for a complete relationship and while you want that to be a female-led relationship, you want it to be more than just casual kink play. 

Writing about situations that you envisage sharing with your partner can help. Sharing thoughts about wearing your PJ's, teasing your partner or going to movies knowing he is not wearing any underwear (or whatever it is that floats your boat) can show potential partners the type of person and relationship you want. 

Wear what you like

Basically, you can wear whatever you like. There's no female Dominant uniform, and no one type of femdomme is better or more of a Domme than another. The key is finding a submissive partner who fits your Dominance style - and likes your pyjama's! 
Good luck! 
Molly x

Want Molly to help you out with a kink-related issue? Contact Molly via her Fetish profile.  

 
Cover image : released from Shutterstock.