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Molly’s BDSM Tips | How Should a Domme Dress?

What kind of image comes to mind when thinking of a female Dominant? All latex, high heels and a whip? Well, out there in the wider world, many hold these kinds of preconceived ideas about how a female Dominant should dress, but these are led mostly by fantasy. This week, our Molly responds to one Domme on how she can beat these fixed ideas. 
 

Dear Molly, 
Through a previous partner, I discovered that I enjoy being in the Dominant role in my relationships, particularly when it comes to sex and kink. Sadly that relationship ended, but recently I've spent time online seeing if I might meet someone new. However, I find that many so-called "submissive" men seem to have a very fixed idea of what a female Dominant is. It almost feels like a caricature of a femdomme - all latex corsets, high heel boots and whip cracking. Sometimes that can be fun, but I'm looking for a relationship where I get to wear my pyjamas while teasing my lovely subby man. Is that a thing, or do I have to wear a corset and high heels to be taken seriously as a female Dominant?
Afem Dom
 

A picture of Molly Moore. BDSM TipsDear Afem Dom,
Ahhh, the archetypal female Dominant, clad in black latex, fishnet stockings and thigh-high killer heel boots. It's the standard that female Dominants must wear to be taken seriously as the one in charge. Think Michelle Pfeiffer as Cat Woman. For many people, it's the first image that springs to mind when you mention the words female Dominant or Dominatrix. This image is often portrayed in porn and mainstream media, catering to the fantasy of what a female Dominant is rather than the actuality.  


Do submissive men want that?

Clearly, there's a demand for that type of Dominant female encounter; otherwise, those narratives wouldn't exist. There's nothing wrong with someone getting off on that aspect of female Domination. Still, if it's the only part of the fantasy that works for the submissive, I don't think they're looking for a female-led relationship but a female-led scene or experience. They want the Dominatrix fantasy, not the whole person who sometimes wears slippers, pyjamas and cries at soppy movies.
 

Professional Dominatrix versus relationship Domme

There are many submissive men, particularly those who are new to kink and D/s, who have this idea of what a female Dominant is, how she will perform that role in a way that meets their fantasies of such an interaction. 

Mostly these men are thinking about individual experiences rather than the broader context of a relationship. They're most likely looking for a free female Dominatrix experience, probably in some kink dungeon. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, mind you. However, they'd probably be better off looking for a professional Domme to provide that service; some femdommes like that form of partnership too. You're not one of them, and I think the key is that you make that clear right from the get-go.  

woman relaxing on the sofa
There's a clear distinction between looking for a female-led relationship as opposed to a female-led scene or experience.


Be clear about what you want/who you are

You mention looking online for a new relationship, and so I can only assume you're potentially using dating apps like here on FET, where you have a profile. Make sure that your profile is open and honest about what you are looking for. While you may have shared the kinds of kinks you are into, it's essential to be clear that you're looking for a complete relationship and while you want that to be a female-led relationship, you want it to be more than just casual kink play. 

Writing about situations that you envisage sharing with your partner can help. Sharing thoughts about wearing your PJ's, teasing your partner or going to movies knowing he is not wearing any underwear (or whatever it is that floats your boat) can show potential partners the type of person and relationship you want. 


Wear what you like

Basically, you can wear whatever you like. There's no female Dominant uniform, and no one type of femdomme is better or more of a Domme than another. The key is finding a submissive partner who fits your Dominance style - and likes your pyjama's! 
Good luck! 
Molly x

 

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Cover image : released from Shutterstock.  

 

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    Divagues de una Domme

    Un texto de hace cinco años que sigue vigente y que me recuerda quien soy... Hace varios meses que vengo meditando mucho sobre el BDSM y en especial la FemDom actual y su incidencia en mi. Obviamente hay cosas con las que no comulgo pero eso carece de importancia, que no comparta no quiere decir que no respete las opciones y decisiones ajenas. La cavilación no viene por ahí, si no más bien por lo que nos lleva a cada uno a elegir este camino y mantenernos en él o al menos así comenzó. Quizás la culpa de la necesidad de pensar en todo esto la tengan los sumisos de mi pasado que cumplían las expectativas (si no completamente, sí en gran medida) y ahora busque encontrar algo similar sin aproximarse siquiera y esa ausencia de compatibilidad, de concordancia, me haga divagar un poco (esta bien, un poco más que poco). De un tiempo a esta parte los que llegan hasta mí, son hombres con fantasías de sodomía o pegging, que encuentran en la “sumisión” la manera de acceder a ello de un modo no se si más fácil pero sí con menos carga de culpabilidad, siendo la “sumisión” un modo de vencer tabúes. Por otro lado también hombres con fantasías trans o crossdresser y que su vez encuentran en la “sumisión” lo mismo. En la amplia mayoría de los casos ambas fantasías (anhelos, deseos o necesidades, como quieran llamarles), coexisten. Haciendo la pregunta invariable de que significa para ellos la sumisión y la entrega, no hay una respuesta clara, quizás ni siquiera haya respuesta porque en muchos casos, si no en todos, lo importante no es la entrega. Por ahí se saben el versito de que los deseos de la Domme van por delante de sus propios deseos, que el placer de su Ama es su propio placer y bla bla… pero al cabo de un ratito de charla ya entiendes que eso es una frase hecha y que lo que realmente importa son sus deseos y tu eres, si acaso, el instrumento para lograrlo. Este tipo de sumiso no es lo que busco, no es lo que anhelo y no es lo que me excita o completa en ningún sentido (más allá de que las prácticas en sí si lo hagan). Es todo lo contrario, diría que lo he visto tanto de un tiempo a esta parte que lo que me genera es un gran rechazo y me cuesta bastante ayudar como siempre lo he hecho por eso mismo. Y este es otro de los motivos de esta reflexión, porque siempre he tratado de ayudar a todo nuevo bdsmero que se me acerca, sin importar el rol, para hacer lo que en su momento otros hicieron por mí y el rechazo se transforma en hastío y termino siendo injusta, algo con lo cual no me siento bien. El encuentro con este tipo de características en los sumisos con los que he tenido contacto, me hace pensar que la sumisión viene a ser la herramienta, la vía, el camino hacia lo que quieren o fantasean y no la meta en sí. Y aquí es donde me detengo a cavilar más profundamente sobre el asunto. Seguramente todos aterrizamos acá por el mismo motivo de fondo, buscando hacer realidad ciertas fantasías (o necesidades) y encontrando en las relaciones D/s o en determinada práctica, el camino adecuado. Miro para atrás y me pregunto por qué me alejé de la vida vainilla y por qué elegí el rol dominante, ¿es la Dominación el camino, la herramienta, la vía para alcanzar una meta que no es la Dominación en sí misma? Me respondo que lo que me llevó hasta estas elecciones, es mi necesidad de control, de estar a cargo, mi necesidad de sentir que el otro está dispuesto a vencer sus propias limitaciones con tal de complacerme, el subidón que provoca el saber a alguien dispuesto a estar a la deriva de tus caprichos, necesidades y antojos. Lograr que un hombre pueda sentirse indefenso y expuesto frente a mí a la vez que fuerte, valiente y orgulloso de ser quien es. Pero esto no responde si es la meta o el camino, ambos, o si importa siquiera. ¿Y entonces cuales son las conclusiones de todo este entuerto? En principio que ninguna de mis reflexiones me llevará a abandonar mi vida bdsmera, porque considerarlo sería mentirme a mi misma, es algo que tengo incorporado y que es parte de mi, no lo puedo abandonar, no puedo cerrar esa etapa y seguir adelante (intenté probar otras cosas y mi yo real salió a relucir enseguida), pero tampoco soy tan ingenua como para pensar que puedo llegar a adaptarme a cualquier evolución de las prácticas o el entorno, sin su esencia las cosas pierden el sentido y sin aquello que me hizo quedar atrapada en este mundo, esto sería tan vacío e inapropiado como la vida vainilla de antes. Por lo tanto, fiel a mi esencia, como siempre. Y entonces surge otra conclusión, que siendo fiel a mi esencia, ayudar, orientar, brindar los pocos conocimientos que he sabido recoger a lo largo de los años es también parte de mí, los cambios del entorno no deberían influenciar en eso, así que de vuelta a compartir con los demás. Nunca he ayudado o he estado a “disposición” para consultas, para despejar dudas o para dar mi opinión apuntando a seducir, conquistar o atraer a ningún sumi (tampoco con los ojos cerrados por si algo hace clic, ser hipócrita no está entre mis defectos), pueden dar fe de eso la infinidad de ellos, de ambos sexos que se me han acercado a lo largo de todos estos años, algunos que aún están en la vuelta (incluso con otros roles :P) y algunos que desaparecieron hace mucho tiempo. Entonces que no comulgue con sus formas de ver esto no quiere decir que no pueda seguir aportándoles desde mi lugar, ese rechazo que siento es cosa mía y debo aprender a lidiar con ello. ¿Por qué estoy compartiendo mis cavilaciones y conclusiones con ustedes? Fuera de que porque puedo y porque se me da la gana, porque pienso que a veces nuestros divagues pueden ayudar a otros en sus propios derroteros mentales. 2 Likes 2 Replies· about 1 month ago

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    Dr. Domme will see you now.

    The evening always begins the same way. A quiet knock. A door slowly opens. A stranger stepping into my home/den. I greet them warmly, the way a good host should. A soft smile. A calm voice. I offer them a drink, tea, and sometimes water. I ask if they’ve eaten, if the drive was long. Small comforts that settle the nerves of someone who has just crossed a threshold they cannot quite name yet. They usually try to hug me. It’s cute and almost charming, the way they attempt to maintain control over their emotions in that moment. Two strangers meeting after weeks of conversation through glowing screens. They want reassurance that everything is friendly, safe, ordinary. I graciously allow them to believe that for a little while. Because while they settle into the room, something inside me has already begun to stir. I am a gentle guide and a listener. I ask quiet questions and invite honesty. However, deeper inside… My Domme is awakening. She watches the way a lioness watches from the tall grass. Calm. Still. Studying every small movement of the creature that has wandered too close to her den. She notices everything. The distance between her prey. Their smell. The nervous shift in their shoulders. The way their voice tightens when certain questions land too close to the truth. The way their eyes drift back to me, trying to read my thoughts. There is hunger in that observation. Not cruel hunger. But a deep, patient appetite for discovery. They sit across from me, thinking they know what they want. They speak about fantasies created from pornography, curiosity, desires they believe they understand. They try to explain themselves, their voice sometimes confident, sometimes uncertain. All the while, I see what they cannot yet see. They are still discovering themselves. That is what fascinates me most. My Domme doesn't necessarily hunt her sub. She studies the rhythm of the heart before her. She learns the tremble in the prey’s breath, the flicker of hesitation behind their eyes. And slowly, inevitably, the room begins to change. My gaze lingers longer than politeness requires. The silence between questions stretches just a little further. They begin to feel the weight of attention resting on them. Their body notices before their mind does. The small hairs along their neck rise. Their pulse begins to quicken. Something inside them realizes they are being seen more deeply than they expected. Part of them become nervous. Another part leans closer with need. A quiet battle unfolds inside them. Their mind whispers caution. Their body answers with curiosity. And the beast inside me watches them with growing interest. Hours pass this way, conversation drifting deeper, the air growing warmer with anticipation neither of us rushes to name. By the time the first session begins to wind down, they are no longer the same person who stepped through my door. Their guard has softened. Their curiosity has widened. Something inside them is awake now. Technically, it has been a productive meeting. We could stop there. But as I watch them sitting across from me, something else becomes impossible to ignore. They have been here for hours, slowly marinating in front of my beast, who is salivating. Their curiosity is *** and exposed. Their uncertainty is trembling just beneath the surface. And beneath all of that… There is longing. A quiet ache that has not yet been answered. The Domme inside me has been watching all this time patiently. Like a lioness that has allowed a curious creature to wander deeper into her den than it ever intended. Her hunger has only grown stronger with every passing minute. Because nothing is sweeter than the meat of a sub with big frightened eyes, lost in glorious orgasms taken without control. The moment just before surrender, when fascination and *** dance together in someone’s eyes, and They do not yet understand what they are asking for. Not truly. But that is part of the beauty of the moment. The lioness knows. And Mommy will make it all better. 67 Likes 3 Replies· 8 months ago

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