Safety and Respect

[un****]

20 minutes ago, KinkycoupleNQ said:

A man should be masculine society looks at it as a violent person that's because they have no need for that at the present time but the time will come and the way the world is at the moment probably sooner than later, then they will be saying why is there no masculine men capable of *** to protect us and our country.
A man should be capable of *** but what makes a real man is knowing when and when not to use it

We're all capable of *** in the right circumstances.

I disagree with this particular comment of yours. I believe there is nothing more masculine than a man who is strong enough to resist his impulses long enough to engage their conscience, and then makes a decision to act differently. It show that man knows the physical power he holds in both the situation and within himself, but is mentally strong enough not to give into it. That's a real man.

That is also a very different thought process than the process those who are *** have to go through to not choose ***.

[Ob****]

Funny you say that at the end. No women want to believe men were r@ped, and we get made fun of for opening up and talking about that past trauma

[un****]

10 minutes ago, ObeyOmen said:

Funny you say that at the end. No women want to believe men were r@ped, and we get made fun of for opening up and talking about that past trauma

I believe this is a societal problem as well. When one group of people is seen as more powerful, it is scary for some people to think that group can be *** too. 'What hope do I have, if this happens to men too?' is a thought many women, nob-binary/trans people have had. Some people can't handle that, to the detriment of others.

I have known men who were r@ped and men who have been in DV situations. I had no trouble believing them.

[Ob****]

30 minutes ago, under_the_radar2108 said:

I believe this is a societal problem as well. When one group of people is seen as more powerful, it is scary for some people to think that group can be *** too. 'What hope do I have, if this happens to men too?' is a thought many women, nob-binary/trans people have had. Some people can't handle that, to the detriment of others.

I have known men who were r@ped and men who have been in DV situations. I had no trouble believing them.

No it’s a problem women only want to be about them. And that’s the problem. You haven’t had trouble 👏👏👏 great. That doesn’t change the fact the majority of men’s r@pe cases are treated as a joke, and women’s are expected to be taken as seriously as a heart attack

[TheZenCommander]

3 hours ago, zaphod82 said:

1 in 4 women are victims of dv, however, 1 in 9 males are as well. It IS an issue affecting both sides. Men have to fight as well.

According to the CDC, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men experience physical *** by their intimate partner at some point during their lifetime.

And to show the statistics,
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/

Right, so it's a problem for twice as many women according to those stats, and we all know that most women don't even report because we're so often not believed. So you can clearly see, while it happens to both, it's undoubtedly happening more often to.... women. No shock there.

[TheZenCommander]

36 minutes ago, under_the_radar2108 said:

I believe this is a societal problem as well. When one group of people is seen as more powerful, it is scary for some people to think that group can be *** too. 'What hope do I have, if this happens to men too?' is a thought many women, nob-binary/trans people have had. Some people can't handle that, to the detriment of others.

I have known men who were r@ped and men who have been in DV situations. I had no trouble believing them.

Exactly. The ones not believing them or teasing them are other men. Not women that already know how it feels to not be believed.

[th****]

8 hours ago, jjbeanbun said:

As a DV survivor who has been advocating for more mental health education, this line of argument is insanely wrong. Of course ***rs can be treated and they should be. Many ***rs were once victims themselves. Y’all need to actually look at the statistics if you want to argue based on statistics.

This isn't true. Studies show that people with empathy retain that empathy even when ***d and don't harm others, while those lacking empathy to begin with externalize their *** towards innocents. *** doesn't make empathy go away. However, *** gives those lacking empathy reason to be even more mean.

[un****]

36 minutes ago, ObeyOmen said:

No it’s a problem women only want to be about them. And that’s the problem. You haven’t had trouble 👏👏👏 great. That doesn’t change the fact the majority of men’s r@pe cases are treated as a joke, and women’s are expected to be taken as seriously as a heart attack

I'm sorry you've experienced this kind of discrimination in such a dreadful situation.

I guarantee you women do not expect to be taken seriously as a heart attack. If we expected that, we wouldn't keep it to ourselves. It's fucking horrific to lay your sole bare only to be told you're too fat/old/ugly to be ***d or ***ed. That you should have been able to get yourself out of that situation. Or that you should have made better decisions and not put yourself in that situation in the first place. Or what do you expect if you act/dress/look like a whore? Let alone any people working in the sex industry who have no hope of proving they didn't consent to this situation.

[to****]

I dunno, fellas. I get that a man can be ***d by a man, but you guys are talking about being ***d by a woman, right? I have questions… but I’m going to let it go and assume you just handled the trauma well enough to get a chubby and do the deed.

As a man, I am never concerned about meeting a woman I met online. If I am worried about anything, it’s some kind of setup involving a man she is in cahoots with. I am also curious about all this female on male DV.. I think we can all agree that men are generally larger and stronger. If I am being wrongfully attacked by a woman she is going to be pacified with *** if that is the only way, and then I’m calling the police myself to haul her off.

Which brings me to my next point… people need to start trusting the police and calling on them at the first sign of trouble. They’re ordinary people doing an important and hard and dangerous and unappreciated job. If everyone called the police and pressed charges like they know they should, we probably wouldn’t be having this discussion. Because all the DV folks would be behind bars and when they got out, they’d know they’re going back the first time they hit a woman.. that is, in a world where everyone calls the police and presses charges. Not the world we live in, unfortunately.

That is not to say I am without sympathy for the victims. Some men out there have been practicing the art of manipulation since puberty, and they’ve gotten pretty good at it. I’ve known sociopaths like this, and I’ve known the women they victimized, and the women cannot be held at fault in any way shape or form. Yes, teach your daughters what to look out for, but it only goes so far. There is no way to detect these wolves in sheep’s clothing. They are good at concealing their intentions and have had a long time to hone their craft. And I’m sure they are skilled at getting their female counterparts to drop charges as well. That is one way to combat this tho.. call the police, and press charges. Every time. Don’t take matters into your own hands. Don’t attempt to dispense vigilante justice, and do not commit the sin of silence. Pick up the phone dial 911 and resolve yourself to pressing charges. Get these people locked up and in the criminal justice system. Don’t let yourself carry the guilt of hearing about how they victimized another person after you because you didn’t press charges when you could have.

[Shilo66]

5 hours ago, TheZenCommander said:

Oooof there's some gross comments in here. Kudos to the brave op. We want more of this! 👏👏👏

I think it's pretty simple. We should
C A S T R A T E those that are convicted of dv. I bet boys would think twice if that was the consequence.

We should not, train women to pick better. Omg. Why do we need to do the work? Why not just not g*** us? Wtf? No is a full sentence! And if you think we don't try to educate our daughters on what to look for, you're sadly mistaken. Men lie and coerce and pretend in order to get close. They love bomb then show their teeth. How do you prepare for that? Educate around that? "Mean guys are mean guys, but sometimes nice guys are actually mean guys too. You know, best to just avoid all of them"

We should not keep reporting them to a list, mr.uk. Jimmy Savile was reported sooooo many times. How did that work out? Is he on a list? This just isn't practical in reality.

We should not be citing how 'women do this too' wtf? Of course, we're fighting for our gd lives and autonomy since birth. 🙄 show me stats. Do you know the most likely cause of d3ath in pregnant women is due to dv? Come on. Numbers don't lie.

This isn't a both sides problem. And it's not our job to fix it.

What an utterly asinine response to such a serious question.

It is obvious that wisdom and intelligence have been chasing you for some time... but you have always been faster.

First off, in order for someone to be convicted of DV,  in 97% of cases, the perpetrator has had to be REPORTED first.The exceptions to this rule are extremely rare... in case you haven't figured it out, they're the 3%

To make it clearer for you, in the very vast majority of DV situations, NO REPORT = NO CONVICTIONS.

 

Secondly, in light of the fact that maybe English isn't your first language, "NOWADAYS" is an adverb meaning at the present time or in these days, usually comparing the current situation to a past era. So, despite me clearly stating 'NOWADAYS,' you still decided to mention, Jimmy Saville, to highlight a somewhat ridiculous point. He was formally exposed as a prolific sexual predator in October 2012, nearly a year after his death in October 2011.  Clare's Law, officially known as the Domestic Vi@lence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS), was introduced in all police fources in England and Wales in March 2014.... partially as a result of his exposure, because before this, there was no such mechanism to record such offending / perpetrators, especially those as prolific as that monster. 

Thirdly, " This isn't a both sides problem. And it's not our job to fix it." Yet another completely asinine comment to make considering that the majority of SA victims are women. So you're saying that you recognise there's a problem but you want no part in addressing it, despite the fact that (repeating my point here) women are the main veectims... from abooosers, be they men or women. Yes, there are stats to prove that DV rates are higher in Lesbian intimate relationships than they are in heterosexual intimate relationships, which is still wrong, full stop.

For someone who claims to be 'sapiosexual', your comments are more in line with someone of the Dunning-Kruger effect. 

Perpetrators of SA and DV can sleep easier in their beds now, knowing that there'll always be someone advocating for veectims not to say or REPORT anything, thereby reducing their chances of being caught. Because, Law Enfourcement agencies and Authorities, rely on REPORTS and EVIDENCE, and if none is forthcoming, how the hell do you expect them to 'do their jobs in these situations'???

The systems, processes and laws that are currently in place, may not be perfect, but at least they're a start, which is much better than what you propose - which is to do, say and report nothing. 

In fact, here's a challenge for you, instead of pew pewing  the instruments that are currently available, why don't YOU propose a better, practical, workable way of reducing SAs and DVs... We'll wait.  

 

Edited May 2 by Shilo66

[yu****]

There’s a lot of DV happening here on this site.
I don’t think people are BDSMing safely.
I think they hear buzzwords or watch podcast and work themselves up to believing it’s not their fault. Many times it isn’t being reported.

When people start by saying men this or women that— I know they’re hurt and have become misogynistic or misandrist.
Lots of misogyny here: I have had to deal with it, smh. And I’ve been skin out carefree and nice. All the safety tactics, but still face *** on this app daily.

And yes, statistically the most likely perpetrator is a man: against women, against trans or gender spectrum, and against other men. And yes, women DV too, though not as often in comparison.

Everyone should keep hands to themselves. No one signed up for actual ***. Kinky spanking yes,some agreed upon vernacular yes, limits and safeguards yes—not ***.

DV in its many forms should not occur. And if you find yourself in a situation: Leave immediately. Don’t become a case we hear on the news. There are services available almost everywhere.

[Su****]

13 hours ago, Shilo66 said:

Hopefully, this will partially restore your faith in us men. 

Way back, as you Americans would say, I told people on this site about a UK law that would help address the 'rampant culture of domestic vi@lence (DV), it's called:

 Clare's Law, often known officially as a Domestic Vi@lence Disclosure Scheme or similar, designates several ways for police officers to disclose a person's history of abusive behaviour to those who may be at risk from such behaviour. It is intended to reduce intimate partner vi@lence.

It basically works by former veectims of DV reporting their abooosers to the police, who will then, after dealing with said abooosers, put them on a register. So, if a new person (or anyone looking out for that person) suspects their partner or ex-partner of being an aboooser, they or an agency /anyone looking out for that person, can contact the police who will tell the enquirer if that partner /ex-partner has a history of abooosive behaviour or not. If they have, the idea is that once the enquirer knows, they'll hopefully have enough common sense to either stay away from or leave said aboooser, thereby avoiding being the aboooser's next veectim.

Ironically, when I made people aware of this Uk law on this site, and encouraged people to report said abooosers if they found themselves in such a DV situation, there were some women here who were actually advocating for other women not to do so.... despite the fact it was pointed out to them that the next veectim of such an aboooser could be their friend, seester, daaughter, mother, or other female relative or associate!!!

If you scroll through the comments section on my profile, you can see who they are.... and they were the same ones who claimed to be looking out for other women in the Kinkyverse here!!

It was the same sort of thing from said self-professed female guardians of other women, who argued with me, when I was one of the very few men on this site to tell women about the feature, in the message filter, that could reduce the amount of dic pics they were getting. It was as if the 'guardians' didn't want other women to know, because they liked complaining about getting said dick pics, but didn't actually want anything done about them. So, although the 'guardians' already knew about this feature, they didn't want it to be common knowledge.... they probably ***ed it would reduce their influence over the other women here.

Bottom line is, nowadays, there are quite a few tools, laws, processes and other instruments available to women, I've mentioned just two above, and, quite a few guys happy to encourage women to report wrong-doing and to use those instruments... but if they won't, there's little more we can' do.

I strongly agree that we should be educating boys as well as girls in this respect, but that will only take effect for the next generation, when what we need are remedies to deal with the low-lifes today.... and that's where more women need to play their part... now. 

  

 

 

   

 

 

I recently used Clare's law. It was really easy and it absolutely confirmed my suspicions and I ended the relationship. Invaluable and I will ALWAYS use it in future

[Su****]

15 hours ago, jjbeanbun said:

As a DV survivor who has been advocating for more mental health education, this line of argument is insanely wrong. Of course ***rs can be treated and they should be. Many ***rs were once victims themselves. Y’all need to actually look at the statistics if you want to argue based on statistics.

So you are saying we shouldn't teach our kids to spot red flags?

[BlueGrace]

Let’s not forget that men experience domestic *** and *** at the hands of women and other men as well. It’s underreported. It’s whispered about because some people truly have a hard time understanding how it can happen to men.

Domestic *** will never be eradicated. People can be raised correctly and still turn out to be shit bags. I do think that certain justice systems need to be reformed for harsher consequences when addressing violent actions.

There needs to be more resources and funding in the world so that people can have better access to help. Allocation of funding is a global problem. Unfortunately, domestic *** and *** is not a fixable or curable issue. It’s been around for thousands of years and will continue. Humans are naturally violent and while most don’t act on it, some do. It will never be eradicated.

We can teach both males and females how to vet their potential partners better. We can teach healthy relationship traits. Unfortunately, some grow up in violent homes where they view it as normal and they don’t know what healthy environments look like.

[BlueGrace]

I’ll also add that mental illness is not an excuse to harm people. Disabilities aren’t an excuse to harm people.

[AKA_Copper]

We can all find stats that suit our own narrative. For example

DA crimes recorded by the police show the following trends:

The victim was female in 72.1% of domestic ***-related crimes in YE March 2025
69.6% of victims of domestic homicide were female, compared with 11.4% of victims of non-domestic homicide between YE March 2022 and YE March 2024


Sexual a$$ault crimes recorded by the police in year ending March 2025 show the following:

The victim was female in 82% of sexual offences
for female victims of r@pe, the perpetrator (where known) was most likely to be an intimate partner (48%), whereas for male victims of r@pe, the perpetrator was most likely to be an acquaintance (33%) or “other family relative” (32%).

(All current info on the ONS)

Whilst I dont disagree that these are offences affecting all genders, women and girls face a higher level of risk and always have done.

For those suggesting that its a generational matter, that today's male generation aren't 'real men.' Incorrect. As a society, women are reporting more.

For those suggesting its an issue of men being raised in families with absent fathers, another straw man and a narrative thats been pushed on you. Male perpetrator are typically from gender normative homes where they've seen male to female *** in whatever form and its been normalised.

For those suggesting its a women's issue, we need to 'make better choices' read up on coercive control, gaslighting and love bombing.

For those who think that Clare's law is the answer, less than 3% of r@pists are convicted. When a request is made under the DVDS, not all information is necessarily disclosed and, in reality, from experience, such requests are generally not responded to. Off the top of mind head, I can think of 3 cases where the request was made, no information shared and all 3 were so high risk they all ended up at MARAC

But, the OP isnt asking whose problem it is, they're asking men, what you do to mitigate against it. So far, I've seen very little. Disappointing really when you all have/have had, mothers/grandmothers/aunts/***s/nieces and possibly daughters.

For those who are interested in educating themselves on the matter (because thats where it starts) have a look at a site called HASSL.

[Ob****]

11 minutes ago, AKA_Copper said:

We can all find stats that suit our own narrative. For example

DA crimes recorded by the police show the following trends:

The victim was female in 72.1% of domestic ***-related crimes in YE March 2025
69.6% of victims of domestic homicide were female, compared with 11.4% of victims of non-domestic homicide between YE March 2022 and YE March 2024


Sexual a$$ault crimes recorded by the police in year ending March 2025 show the following:

The victim was female in 82% of sexual offences
for female victims of r@pe, the perpetrator (where known) was most likely to be an intimate partner (48%), whereas for male victims of r@pe, the perpetrator was most likely to be an acquaintance (33%) or “other family relative” (32%).

(All current info on the ONS)

Whilst I dont disagree that these are offences affecting all genders, women and girls face a higher level of risk and always have done.

For those suggesting that its a generational matter, that today's male generation aren't 'real men.' Incorrect. As a society, women are reporting more.

For those suggesting its an issue of men being raised in families with absent fathers, another straw man and a narrative thats been pushed on you. Male perpetrator are typically from gender normative homes where they've seen male to female *** in whatever form and its been normalised.

For those suggesting its a women's issue, we need to 'make better choices' read up on coercive control, gaslighting and love bombing.

For those who think that Clare's law is the answer, less than 3% of r@pists are convicted. When a request is made under the DVDS, not all information is necessarily disclosed and, in reality, from experience, such requests are generally not responded to. Off the top of mind head, I can think of 3 cases where the request was made, no information shared and all 3 were so high risk they all ended up at MARAC

But, the OP isnt asking whose problem it is, they're asking men, what you do to mitigate against it. So far, I've seen very little. Disappointing really when you all have/have had, mothers/grandmothers/aunts/***s/nieces and possibly daughters.

For those who are interested in educating themselves on the matter (because thats where it starts) have a look at a site called HASSL.

Wild. How about those of us who aren’t doing those terrible things?? Aren’t we mitigating it just by being who we are? Disappointing really when you all have had fathers/brothers/uncles/nephews/sons who haven’t done it and are still lumped into the same crowds who are terrible people. But I digress, what do I know? Lol

[AKA_Copper]

8 minutes ago, ObeyOmen said:

Wild. How about those of us who aren’t doing those terrible things?? Aren’t we mitigating it just by being who we are? Disappointing really when you all have had fathers/brothers/uncles/nephews/sons who haven’t done it and are still lumped into the same crowds who are terrible people. But I digress, what do I know? Lol

It may have been good enough in years gone by but not now no. Not when we now have to listen to people lamenting that there's a male loneliness epidemic without acknowledgement that everything mentioned above is a contributing factor.

[jinxed]

On 5/2/2026 at 10:45 AM, tongue4u2use said:

[...] I am also curious about all this female on male DV.. I think we can all agree that men are generally larger and stronger.  [...]

Which brings me to my next point… people need to start trusting the police and calling on them at the first sign of trouble. 
 

I can understand why so many people have issues imagining how female on male DV can happen. However, when it happens, it has little to do with physical strength and everything to do with having more of a fight or freeze nature and men can freeze just like women can attack. That's not gender-specific. 

About the second part: I really wish it was this simple. Here in Germany, you need to be able to prove that you have fought against it (scratch marks etc. need to be visible) and that you said no. But what if you were in shock and couldn't react? Showering it off and trying to forget about it seem a lot easier in comparison to going through the process of reporting. But of course you are right, in theory reporting it should be the right and helpful response. 

[TheZenCommander]

6 hours ago, AKA_Copper said:

We can all find stats that suit our own narrative. For example

DA crimes recorded by the police show the following trends:

The victim was female in 72.1% of domestic ***-related crimes in YE March 2025
69.6% of victims of domestic homicide were female, compared with 11.4% of victims of non-domestic homicide between YE March 2022 and YE March 2024


Sexual a$$ault crimes recorded by the police in year ending March 2025 show the following:

The victim was female in 82% of sexual offences
for female victims of r@pe, the perpetrator (where known) was most likely to be an intimate partner (48%), whereas for male victims of r@pe, the perpetrator was most likely to be an acquaintance (33%) or “other family relative” (32%).

(All current info on the ONS)

Whilst I dont disagree that these are offences affecting all genders, women and girls face a higher level of risk and always have done.

For those suggesting that its a generational matter, that today's male generation aren't 'real men.' Incorrect. As a society, women are reporting more.

For those suggesting its an issue of men being raised in families with absent fathers, another straw man and a narrative thats been pushed on you. Male perpetrator are typically from gender normative homes where they've seen male to female *** in whatever form and its been normalised.

For those suggesting its a women's issue, we need to 'make better choices' read up on coercive control, gaslighting and love bombing.

For those who think that Clare's law is the answer, less than 3% of r@pists are convicted. When a request is made under the DVDS, not all information is necessarily disclosed and, in reality, from experience, such requests are generally not responded to. Off the top of mind head, I can think of 3 cases where the request was made, no information shared and all 3 were so high risk they all ended up at MARAC

But, the OP isnt asking whose problem it is, they're asking men, what you do to mitigate against it. So far, I've seen very little. Disappointing really when you all have/have had, mothers/grandmothers/aunts/***s/nieces and possibly daughters.

For those who are interested in educating themselves on the matter (because thats where it starts) have a look at a site called HASSL.

👏👏👏🫶

[TheZenCommander]

6 hours ago, ObeyOmen said:

Wild. How about those of us who aren’t doing those terrible things?? Aren’t we mitigating it just by being who we are? Disappointing really when you all have had fathers/brothers/uncles/nephews/sons who haven’t done it and are still lumped into the same crowds who are terrible people. But I digress, what do I know? Lol

If I put you into a pit with 100 snakes and 10 of them were deadly poisonous, how many snakes would you pick up? And if we go by today's stats, if 50 or more of them were poisonous, how quickly would you want out of that pit? How about if they all look the same? So no, not all men, but enough to make it a very dangerous pit.

[TheZenCommander]

4 hours ago, jinxed said:

I can understand why so many people have issues imagining how female on male DV can happen. However, when it happens, it has little to do with physical strength and everything to do with having more of a fight or freeze nature and men can freeze just like women can attack. That's not gender-specific. 

About the second part: I really wish it was this simple. Here in Germany, you need to be able to prove that you have fought against it (scratch marks etc. need to be visible) and that you said no. But what if you were in shock and couldn't react? Showering it off and trying to forget about it seem a lot easier in comparison to going through the process of reporting. But of course you are right, in theory reporting it should be the right and helpful response. 

Very much this. There are 4 standard responses to trauma: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. That law only protects 1 version of response. And in America if you fight back, if they have marks too, the cops just leave and do nothing saying it's the fault of both parties. Or worse, they arrest the person who was defending themselves because they inherently believe men but not women.

[Ob****]

6 hours ago, AKA_Copper said:

It may have been good enough in years gone by but not now no. Not when we now have to listen to people lamenting that there's a male loneliness epidemic without acknowledgement that everything mentioned above is a contributing factor.

Do you need a tissue?

[Si****]

4 hours ago, ObeyOmen said:

Do you need a tissue?

Not sure I understand what you mean by this comment??

[Ob****]

11 hours ago, TheZenCommander said:

If I put you into a pit with 100 snakes and 10 of them were deadly poisonous, how many snakes would you pick up? And if we go by today's stats, if 50 or more of them were poisonous, how quickly would you want out of that pit? How about if they all look the same? So no, not all men, but enough to make it a very dangerous pit.

😂😂😂 put me into a pit 😂😂😂

This whole thread is hilarious, it really shows people’s insecurities about how they can’t handle their past trauma and only look to project it onto others who never caused any harm nor ever would. “tHeSeS stATs sAy” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 grow up