The Hive Mind Fallacy

[Mz****]

After reading post after post after post, about how the so many of the Dommes here are 'fake', I wanted to add a little balance to these discussions. 

I have no doubt that there are people here who have crossed paths with someone disingenuous, I believe those who speak of scam attempts too, I'm not talking about those, I'm speaking of those who have totally unreasonable expectations screaming fake when someone doesn't meet their criteria. 

Mostly because they never seem to bother actually reading my profile, the majority of approaches I receive from potential submissives are totally inappropriate, the contact is entirely about them and how I can facilitate their needs..or if they do read it they cherry pick the bits they like focusing entirely on those, ignoring, or worse, thinking something important to me doesn't apply to them. No doubt most of these unrealistic expectations come from porn and erotica, these, usually, brand new submissives unable to separate fantasy from reality.

As a result, certainly from my inbox and chatroom conversations, it feels like not just me, but that all Dommes are required to live constantly in latex or leather head to toe, striding about whip in hand on every surface in platform stripper heels that are so high they would enable us to pet a small giraffe.

We are all assumed to be glamorous sex kittens with the body of a Goddess, and the face of a beauty queen, perfectly presented of course tailored to whatever sexual fantasies they have.

We all own a dungeon or have immediate access to one, and if we don't we'll rectify that at our expense immediately.. similarly we will have..or happily supply..whatever toys or equipment their particular fetishes involve, after all we are all wealthy and can afford to house them, feed them and keep them warm in a cage, or basement, or stable, rent free, bill free, stress free..we of course attend every event and will desire to take them and show them off the costs of no concern, and we will do all this in exchange for a little light dusting and getting to satisfy their chosen kinky itch..oh and I mustn't forget, we Dommes are all of a hive mind, our kinks and fetishes are the same, our mannerisms, our rules, our pronouns, our sexual preferences. 

A/anyone who took less than 3 minutes to read..I know because I timed it..my entire profile, would know well before reaching the end, that is not who I am..its not who the vast majority of us are either, of course some may be here but you'd be hard pressed to find any who were not ProDomme.

It's a fantasy for many, many people, I understand that, and one they are absolutely entitled to have, but what they are not entitled to do is try and impose that onto me or anybody else, and they are not entitled to accuse us of being fake when we do not comply to their stereotype. 

Far too many approach with a "what will you do for me" attitude, rather than "a what can I do for you one", to someone looking for a genuine D/s dynamic its extremely distasteful.

We are not Borg, there is no floating cube or hive..we are each individuals, please start treating us as such, for your sake and for ours..and recognise that if someone rejects you, that doesn't make them fake, it just makes you unsuitable for what they want, accept it and move on. If someone doesn't respond to you, they will have their reasons, respect that and move on..and if someone does respond don't get ahead of yourself, don't be impatient for replies and become a pest, and don't misrepresent yourself because you will get found out.

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

Fucking thank you!!! You wrote EVERYTHING that I have felt about being approached as a Domme.
I've had 'subs' threaten to harm me in the fucking real world, threaten my anonymity, threaten to do something to themselves and basically call me a whore and *** grabbing scam artist (I HAVE NEVER requested or accepted or even fucking mentioned ***!) and worse just because I did not want to play with them or because I grew tired of facilitating their kinks.
Fuck me you nailed everything in this post!
You are awesome. Thank you!!!
So sorry for all the swearing. 😅 Just so frustrated.

[Kingkow101]

I am still fairly new but I thought if you are a dom or sub mentor how you approach the other person. It was a lifestyle. Like I enjoy being in control but I love it whenever someone disobeys I might be misunderstanding

[Mz****]

3 minutes ago, GreySkies said:

Fucking thank you!!! You wrote EVERYTHING that I have felt about being approached as a Domme.
I've had 'subs' threaten to harm me in the fucking real world, threaten my anonymity, threaten to do something to themselves and basically call me a whore and *** grabbing scam artist (I HAVE NEVER requested or accepted or even fucking mentioned ***!) and worse just because I did not want to play with them or because I grew tired of facilitating their kinks.
Fuck me you nailed everything in this post!
You are awesome. Thank you!!!
So sorry for all the swearing. 😅 Just so frustrated.

Thank you for your support, I hope letting all that frustration out and knowing you are not alone helps. Here for you if you ever need a vent, or just a chat.

[Mz****]

2 minutes ago, Kingkow101 said:

I am still fairly new but I thought if you are a dom or sub mentor how you approach the other person. It was a lifestyle. Like I enjoy being in control but I love it whenever someone disobeys I might be misunderstanding

There is no one way to do anything, that's a big part of my point. Each of us, whatever side of the slash are unique. Each approach should be personalised not generic, the lifestyle encompasses so many different dynamics, how can a "one size fits all" approach ever hope to work bar a 1 in a million happy accident?

[Deleted Member]

Well said Lady. Far too many have us all, Doms & Dommes, pegged as a service. They have their kinks, and we are simply supposed to cater for them. I have lost count over the years when while chatting with a sub it has quickly turned into "This is what I want, if you can do this then fine, if not I have others who say they will". At that point I simply nod and walk away. If you wish to be a Service Dom then fair play, it is your thing, unfortunately it is becoming more prevalent that we are ALL seen that way.

[Da****]

Preach!

[ey****]

I feel 'fake' (and 'genuine', 'true', 'lifestyle', etc) is one of the most overused words and often - as you say - in this context.

That if you can't bow on a whim to do everything the sub wants you're 'fake' (I'm not sure who is supposed to be serving/impressing who here?)

But, it serves a narrative.  It is difficult to find someone - not because the person is deluded or rude, or pushy, or has no concept of how relationships work... but because everyone is "fake or scammers"

they can then return every 6 months; possibly under "I tried before but it was all fakes, but wanted to see if it's improved" as a form of negging and baiting - whilst kidding themselves it's not their approach at fault.

 

[su****]

39 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

But, it serves a narrative.  It is difficult to find someone - not because the person is deluded or rude, or pushy, or has no concept of how relationships work... but because everyone is "fake or scammers"

That's not a million miles from the incel point of view, is it? Mibby we need to look at this as a community issue before they start firing indiscriminately. 

As the OP suggested, a lot of 'baby subs' arrive on their local (or online) scene unable to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. And that Lady (or Ladies) with the unlimited funds, huge collection of equipment, fenced off compound and/or uncharted island is just a trope - in everything from fem-dom porn to 'Fifty sheds of shite'. 

*c*

[Deleted Member]

Not a Domme, so I've only observed this from the sidelines, but there does seem to be an awful lot of "ask not what you can do for your Mistress, but what your Mistress can do for you" if you'll pardon the bastardisation. They're looking for "a Mistress" rather than a person, and it feels like what they're really after is a sex toy for use.

[slavewife]

all i can say is well put Jax. kmowing you and speaking to you i have the utmost respect and it is a shame others dont you and other dommes / doms on the site should be shown it . we dont always agree but the insight we get from you helps to broaden our minds its the daft asses that dont ask questions and as you say expect you to be one thing , never change Jax ya a hard bitch (just mt opinion amd love it get a straight answer) that says as is and thats why you are amazing xx same as all othr dommes and doms i have spoken to xx

[Mz****]

3 hours ago, TheScribe said:

Well said Lady. Far too many have us all, Doms & Dommes, pegged as a service. They have their kinks, and we are simply supposed to cater for them. I have lost count over the years when while chatting with a sub it has quickly turned into "This is what I want, if you can do this then fine, if not I have others who say they will". At that point I simply nod and walk away. If you wish to be a Service Dom then fair play, it is your thing, unfortunately it is becoming more prevalent that we are ALL seen that way.

I think oftentimes newcomers confuse bottoming and submission, and topping with Dominantion. 🤷‍♀️

[Mz****]

2 hours ago, DaddyCool89 said:

Preach!

I did rather climb on to my soapbox didn't I? 🤘

[Mz****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I feel 'fake' (and 'genuine', 'true', 'lifestyle', etc) is one of the most overused words and often - as you say - in this context.

That if you can't bow on a whim to do everything the sub wants you're 'fake' (I'm not sure who is supposed to be serving/impressing who here?)

But, it serves a narrative.  It is difficult to find someone - not because the person is deluded or rude, or pushy, or has no concept of how relationships work... but because everyone is "fake or scammers"

they can then return every 6 months; possibly under "I tried before but it was all fakes, but wanted to see if it's improved" as a form of negging and baiting - whilst kidding themselves it's not their approach at fault.

 

Those people trap themselves in a vicious circle, they diss and verbally assault, that content is seen by those they pursue, that ends the chase, the wheel turns and it starts again..more fool them.

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, Lady_Char said:

Not a Domme, so I've only observed this from the sidelines, but there does seem to be an awful lot of "ask not what you can do for your Mistress, but what your Mistress can do for you" if you'll pardon the bastardisation. They're looking for "a Mistress" rather than a person, and it feels like what they're really after is a sex toy for use.

That's pretty much it. They want a free ProDominatrix experience but with sex thrown in..not all I hasten to add, but the ones being discussed here, for sure.. its either that or they have one obsession, it could be anything, but it consumes them and all their messages, they do not listen and invariably end up blocked, and in the forums ranting about fakes.

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, Subsluta said:

all i can say is well put Jax. kmowing you and speaking to you i have the utmost respect and it is a shame others dont you and other dommes / doms on the site should be shown it . we dont always agree but the insight we get from you helps to broaden our minds its the daft asses that dont ask questions and as you say expect you to be one thing , never change Jax ya a hard bitch (just mt opinion amd love it get a straight answer) that says as is and thats why you are amazing xx same as all othr dommes and doms i have spoken to xx

Thanks Ss..you've always been one to ask questions, raise an opposing opinion, and you've always been respectful of boundaries too..you could teach some of these guys a thing or two for sure..dont ever lose that enquiring mind and enthusiasm. Appreciate your kind words 💋

[ey****]

I think I've often said - and this ties with what you've said

What a lot of sub guys actually want is a Pro Domme session.  They just don't want to pay for a Pro Domme session.   So they assume someone who is not Pro will, well, give them a Pro Domme session and they not have to pay for it.    

I mean. If they want a relationship - then they need to put in all the work, effort and responsibility that goes into a relationship - but the concept there are women sat in dungeons waiting for a stranger to be "pick me" is sadly both common and laughable.   

But, maybe if it did exist they should be scared - cos, like... how did all this get financed... any suspicious elderly ex-husbands who had big estates and a tragic accident....?

[Deleted Member]

I don’t usually engage in threads, I like to view from the sidelines, but thank you for bringing this topic up. I’m not a Domme, but I have experienced varied approaches - people seem to think that when they’re entering your PM’s they’re entering a porn domain, and if you politely decline, they become abusive or persistently harass you. I’ve even had someone offer me ***, to give them what they want and I was highly offended by it. I’ve also met individuals who I thought I’ve been building a rapport/friendship with to only realise they didn’t view me as an actual person, but only using me for a free ride, for what they could get from me which is hurtful. I no longer have a bio on my profile, because I find that it doesn’t get read anyway, if it does they only focus on what they want from it x

[Mz****]

8 minutes ago, Lilithsgirl said:

I don’t usually engage in threads, I like to view from the sidelines, but thank you for bringing this topic up. I’m not a Domme, but I have experienced varied approaches - people seem to think that when they’re entering your PM’s they’re entering a porn domain, and if you politely decline, they become abusive or persistently harass you. I’ve even had someone offer me ***, to give them what they want and I was highly offended by it. I’ve also met individuals who I thought I’ve been building a rapport/friendship with to only realise they didn’t view me as an actual person, but only using me for a free ride, for what they could get from me which is hurtful. I no longer have a bio on my profile, because I find that it doesn’t get read anyway, if it does they only focus on what they want from it x

The offering *** thing is just as distasteful, not only can it be offensive for its implications that you are a sex worker, its crossing boundaries on all sorts of levels making it even worse when it's someone who you thought you knew.

I'm so sorry you've reached a stage where a profile with no bio is your only option to stop those unwelcome approaches.

Thank you for leaving the sidelines and sharing your thoughts, I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision x

[Leisa]

Hi Jax, as someone who’s just beginning to explore their dominant side your words give me things to think about and watch out for. Maybe your post will help others along the way.

[Re****]

Hi MzJax

This is very true and very well put.
There are many many self centred people on here with the me, me, me attitude both male and female
Many wannabees also.
At my local munch there was an 18yo who adopted the title Master, master of what wanking? Lol
Humour aside its an all round problem, does and subs
There are some genuine people around but hard to find.
Maybe vetting is the answer?

[LazyPirate]

You mean Domme’s aren’t walking kink dispensers who are just there to satisfy me as a sub?!?! I want my theoretical *** back.

In all seriousness this is a very good posting and I can only imagine what it’s like to go through the types of messages that Domme’s get on here

[Mz****]

10 hours ago, Leisa said:

Hi Jax, as someone who’s just beginning to explore their dominant side your words give me things to think about and watch out for. Maybe your post will help others along the way.

I almost envy you your upcoming journeys, I'm glad my post gave you food for thought, and I do hope it helps others 🤞

[Mz****]

2 hours ago, sitonmyface2020 said:

Hi MzJax

This is very true and very well put.
There are many many self centred people on here with the me, me, me attitude both male and female
Many wannabees also.
At my local munch there was an 18yo who adopted the title Master, master of what wanking? Lol
Humour aside its an all round problem, does and subs
There are some genuine people around but hard to find.
Maybe vetting is the answer?

Absolutely, I wrote this piece with a list of red flags and some advice..you might find it of interest. 

The Big Wide (BDSM) World

However in this topic I'm highlighting specifically approaches to FemDommes and responding to the pitfalls around that.

 

[Mz****]

55 minutes ago, LazyPirate said:

You mean Domme’s aren’t walking kink dispensers who are just there to satisfy me as a sub?!?! I want my theoretical *** back.

In all seriousness this is a very good posting and I can only imagine what it’s like to go through the types of messages that Domme’s get on here

I'm afraid not, we're not all sat chatting around the kitchen table ready to drop everything and fight over you either. 😋

Thank you for your support and humour 😊