Am I submissive or defiant in the eyes of a dominant

[PassionateAngel]

Being a strong willed person who knows her mind, complexities and testing of boundaries; under the eyes of a dominant is this seen as defiant, un-tameable or just not submissive enough?

I believe within myself I give this exterior of dominant and perhaps a switch; yet put me within that scenario I would not have one single clue what to do as a dominant.
Yet a strong dominant who sees past my complexities and knows how to bring out the submissiveness within me - I would happy kneel too.

As I write this I think to myself; why am I justifying my actions within this write up or why am I even asking. I honestly want to hear from those that either know me or do not. Since opening up my world to BDSM/kink and making some amazing friends; who ask me questions that enable me to reflect back within myself to seek my own understanding and answers.

In my personal life and from a very young girl I have had to be in control of all
Aspects of my life; I had children young; I had to make changes and go to university whilst bringing up young children. Within my career I am in charge - yet as I explore deeper within my own sexual self I am a submissive and yearn to submit.

Yearning is not enough; I know my inner strength and being an analytical thinker and a troubleshooter I question everything.
Do I question to catch you out?
Do I question to be domineering?
Do I question and analyse and challenge your answers to be defiant?

The answers are no:
i am inquisitive, I am exploring the other persons perspectives and yearning and growing for knowledge for feelings that I may one day experience. I thrive in understanding others opinions and how they feel and their drive.
Do my questions or defiant appear ‘bratty’ yes with the right person they are; I enjoy this side as I eagerly see the boundaries I push - not out of deviant defiant - but to test my own boundaries to see my limits; do I yearn for punishment for being so defiant; do I enjoy playfully being ever so bratty to see if I am willing to reap the consequences- yes absolutely- but with the right person.

Can my strong willed be defiant because I question everything?
Within myself - if I know I can top you - I can easily walk away and the interest of what could have or was will be lost. I need that challenge, that spark of deep connection as well someone strong to show me that alpha side I so long for.

So. My question is am I a dominant because I have had to be in all walks of life because I had to be to survive.
Or
am I submissive waiting to relinquish my habitual traits and longing to let go of the reins and hand over the control (once know how to).

I know who I am and what I want, what do you see?

Angel x

[Ae****]

Maybe the stronger and me independent you needed to be, and yet subconsciously didn't want to be, but had to be, for whatever reasons - the stronger the wish for another to come and take away responsibility. So your dominant - in control, assertive etc in your personal life - and then sexuality maybe a chance for you to ferry taken care of, if your can find someone who let's you feel like they CAN.
Maybe. I dunno :)

[Deleted Member]

In my experience real dominants prefer someone who doesn't give their submission easily. Receiving the submission of a strong woman makes it even sweeter. That's what I have been told time and time again and as a fiesty submissive myself, I've found it to be true.

[ey****]

I feel that asking questions is good and one person we must also ask questions is always ourselves.

A lot of people sometimes get conflicted with the whole idea of being submissive, if they are or have to be more demanding or Dominant in other areas of life - but this is actually a very common trope that while it's definitely not one-size-fits-all a lot of people need to have so much control over a lot of life that they relish an environment or relationship where they can let go.

There is a saying I do stand by that submission is given completely of free-will or not at all; and while submission shouldn't be a challenge - I'm a bit more cynical of those who expect people to submit, especially fully, quickly.  That it is a trust process.  That if a Dominant cannot handle questions, clarifications, feedback, etc from the sub then it's a question on them rather than the sub. (I get the whole "obey without question" shtick - but that's a destination not a starting point) 

[Deleted Member]

In my experience, a submissive who knows what they want is a godsend. No need to constantly guess and second guess. Straight talk and clear communication.

[CopperKnob]

I think its important to explore what our submission means and looks like to us, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If we don't we'll end up in a dynamic that doesn't meet needs and that's dangerous, there's the potential to loose ourselves. I also think that generally most adults have a significant amount of control over their own lifes, to submit to others may be inherent, it may be a natural part of our character but, it shouldn't be 'easy' by easy I mean just something that happens because we're submissive by nature. Though, for the 'right' person it will feel natural and therefore 'easy'. But if its something i do with everyone, it doesn't 'mean' anything, to me at least.
Your questions above I think are natural, it's part of the getting to know you/are you safe/are we a good fit process, I don't believe its defiance and if a Dom were to suggest to me it is, they aren't the Dom for me.
My perspective, I have my life under control generally, I have to at home to survive, I have to at work to maintain my emotional resillience, to prevent myself burning out. If that makes me a strong/defiant sub so be it but a Dom should know, that if I submit to them it's because I've made an active choice to do so because I don't 'need' to. Like you I can walk away and I could Dom someone if I wanted/needed to because hell, I do it all the time in daily life, to survive. The choice not to do that with that one person is what makes my submission all the sweeter x

[PassionateAngel]

Thank you all for your feedback; it truly is an opening state of mind in all aspects.

[PassionateAngel]

CopperKnob you are completely right in all aspects. From easily being able to Dom and yet with our type of submission we are willing to give in to does make us something to be desired as we would not do so easily and freely to just anyone who says they are Dom.
For me there has be the energy they give the strength to show and me knowing I could not top them; giving the respect which works both ways with the freedom to express and be ourselves in the process.

[CopperKnob]

7 minutes ago, PassionateAngel said:

CopperKnob you are completely right in all aspects. From easily being able to Dom and yet with our type of submission we are willing to give in to does make us something to be desired as we would not do so easily and freely to just anyone who says they are Dom.
For me there has be the energy they give the strength to show and me knowing I could not top them; giving the respect which works both ways with the freedom to express and be ourselves in the process.

Connection, trust, respect, good ethics and consent, is 'all' (😂) thats needed as far as I'm concerned, not too much if its the 'right Dom, it is too much for the insta Doms and predators