Ghosters and Ghostees.

[Je****]

How many people here have ghosted? 

How many have been ghosted?

What is it? How do you know? Why do you do it?

What's your experience?

 

 

Recap for my situation. 

Previous (online).

I have been ghosted in the past once before. By someone who read my messages but never ever replied (I didn't over message them) until one day they ultimately blocked me after claiming to be going into hopsital. Only way I realised I was ghosted was because he made a new profile on here and tried to chat to me, not realising who I was. Idiot. 

I got closure there. 

 

New situation.

I have met a charming guy, totally my type about 2wks ago. Typical guy meets person at bar. Kisses and exchanged number. Hung out a lot. Met friends and kids (mine). Had two sleep over dates. Sex. The lot. 

But after a discussion (in person) about being open and honest about stuff he has said he wants to see me and had fun etc. All good. Left me in town Saturday and asked me to let him know I get home ok. I texted. He replied. Leaving it open for another date if he can get time off work. Great!

 

The issue. 

There's been no contact since. When I say no contact I mean, I replied to his last message about the sweetness of another date. But he never opened it. Then on Sunday I sent a message making him aware of an accident someone close to me was involved in. He didn't open this either. 

I sent one last one day asking if he was okay, sorry if I am bothering him and I hope to hang out, but if not, just let me know and I won't bother him again. Not opened it. Depsite being online (whatsapp).

 

Have I been ghosted? I've spoke to friends who say ghosting is more, reading and ignoring somoene or blocking them. But I thnk I maybe need to accept the fun for what it was and move on?! I haven't been in this situation before. So I am just a bit confused. Could there be time where he may reappear or is this a string along? 

 

People who have been ghosted, have you experienced this?

People who have ghosted someone, is this something you have done? 

 

(I haven't over messaged him or spammed or acted crazy haha, I have reached out once a day to no avail. So I think that's gonna be it...).

 

 

[Deleted Member]

Hi Jen, do you know if he suffers from "ADHD"?

[Je****]

Just now, Traceylacey said:

Hi Jen, do you know if he suffers from "ADHD"?

Nothing of the sort that I know of. 

He just "likes to keep em guessing"

[Jenny8240]

I have had the samething happen to me many times on here i dont know why they do it they just do ...but i have not responded. To a few messages i get either cause im not interested or they where rude.

[Deleted Member]

I have friends who have ADHD and sometimes they can have "ghosty" type behaviour but if you're pretty certain that he doesn't then, yes, I think it may be time to move on.

[Char__]

Nah, I disagree with other's definition of ghosting. You don't need to read the message to know it's there. You see it, don't bother to open it and read it, that's ghosting. If he's online (on WhatsApp) then he knows there are messages from you waiting to be read.

 

And it's a typical (wankerish) dating behavoour - if I don't "read" it then they won't see the R for Read and I can come back to them and legitimately say I didn't ghost if I decide I want another bite. I wouldn't put up with it Jen. Communication is key and if they're shit now, they'll only get worse.

[Deleted Member]

Or he found another woman, and moved on and didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you he found someone else. It has happened to me before with a woman, who did not want to break the news that she pulled a new stud from herd. I just realized I have no control over her and would rather be happy than right.

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, SinEater4U said:

Or he found another woman, and moved on and didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you he found someone else. It has happened to me before with a woman, who did not want to break the news that she pulled a new stud from herd. I just realized I have no control over her and would rather be happy than right.

I doubt it we had spent all week together pretty much and he knows im polyamorous and that theres no expectation. 

[Je****]

11 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

Nah, I disagree with other's definition of ghosting. You don't need to read the message to know it's there. You see it, don't bother to open it and read it, that's ghosting. If he's online (on WhatsApp) then he knows there are messages from you waiting to be read.

 

And it's a typical (wankerish) dating behavoour - if I don't "read" it then they won't see the R for Read and I can come back to them and legitimately say I didn't ghost if I decide I want another bite. I wouldn't put up with it Jen. Communication is key and if they're shit now, they'll only get worse.

Yep this is my thought. It can be see there, but it was more annoying that the "accident" text wasnt even opened. Just felt a bit cruel.

I will see if he does ever try to reach out. Then we will get closure I think.

[CamiBami]

Reaching out once a day when they haven’t looked at any of your messages seems like a bit much especially if it’s been like a week or so. I send max like 3 messages spaced out, if they respond alright, if not that’s alright to.

It also depends on what the situation is tho, was this just for fun no strings attached and see where things go, then I dont have any expectations on what develops or happens. If this was a “we been talking for awhile and getting more serious and close” then heck yes I will be upset if they just ghost me out of their life. To be honest, it sounds like maybe a string along but no strings attached type of thing they are doing, like maybe he will contact you again if he wants a good time, but nothing more. I have been in similar situations and that’s all it is, a fun time when you both have the time and want it… so it’s up to you if you want to be that sporadic fun time, or cut it off because you want something more.

The hardest part for me sometimes is not taking their lack of commitment and communication personally. You are not alone and you are a person deserving of love, time, commitment, communication, and honesty. ❤️

[Al****]

I think Lady_Char is probably bang on the money there sadly. There may be a genuine reason for no contact, but it takes nothing to just drop a msg to you and say hey, I’m tied up, but will be back up and chatting as soon as or even to say, hey had a great time, but not for me, sorry. Perhaps set yourself a cut of date of a few days / week and if no comms between you both, just take control and lock em out. I don’t get why it happens, but it does, if it is ghosting, just expect it as part of the modern day dating scourge be it vanilla or kink. For every person that can’t be open and honest theres an equal that will be, you just need to find em and you will although It’s easier in theory than practice. Whatever happen though don’t sell yourself short and waste your time on those that won’t give you theirs!

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, CamiBami said:

Reaching out once a day when they haven’t looked at any of your messages seems like a bit much especially if it’s been like a week or so. I send max like 3 messages spaced out, if they respond alright, if not that’s alright to.

It also depends on what the situation is tho, was this just for fun no strings attached and see where things go, then I dont have any expectations on what develops or happens. If this was a “we been talking for awhile and getting more serious and close” then heck yes I will be upset if they just ghost me out of their life. To be honest, it sounds like maybe a string along but no strings attached type of thing they are doing, like maybe he will contact you again if he wants a good time, but nothing more. I have been in similar situations and that’s all it is, a fun time when you both have the time and want it… so it’s up to you if you want to be that sporadic fun time, or cut it off because you want something more.

The hardest part for me sometimes is not taking their lack of commitment and communication personally. You are not alone and you are a person deserving of love, time, commitment, communication, and honesty. ❤️

Thank you

 

We had been under the agreement of getting to know each other and see where we go. It was him who asked me, for the dates. Hes always bought dinner, held doors open, been great with my kids. Made me feel good. So its been 3 days or so now where there's just nothing. So it is a bit meh. I know his routine and been to his, hes been to mine, hes talked to me about his work n friends and really went into detail about his life. Then... nothing. Its so bizaree.

 

and yes I would be happy if it was a NSA and just fun thing 100% but I dont even know if thats a thing to happen anymore. I just like people to communicate. Either yeh sure cya next week or , No fuck off. Either way I would be happy. Its just the limbo.

[Fistingpeeman]

Story of my life Jen. I think it's just a sign of the times. Online "dating" is just so easy. And the next thing is just a simple click away. There is nothing vested. If you don't meet within the first few days or week, it's as good as not going to happen. I wish sometimes I still drank, so I could go to the pub. Not easy for a single guy that's come from overseas with no real friends, to go out drinking if he doesn't drink. My 2p worth

[Je****]

2 minutes ago, Fistingpeeman said:

Story of my life Jen. I think it's just a sign of the times. Online "dating" is just so easy. And the next thing is just a simple click away. There is nothing vested. If you don't meet within the first few days or week, it's as good as not going to happen. I wish sometimes I still drank, so I could go to the pub. Not easy for a single guy that's come from overseas with no real friends, to go out drinking if he doesn't drink. My 2p worth

We'e been seeing each other / sleeping together the last week! This is a real life thing. Not online  which is why it hurts that tad more. 

[Su****]

If they don’t respond u can only follow ur gut on this.
Perhaps something awful has happened but, if u can see them online on WhatsApp then that would say not.
If I was in your position, it would indicate to me that they are a coward and didn’t have the emotional balls to be honest enough that there was an issue.
You sound quite straight talking and open about your expectations so it seems unlikely that you have read or implied the situation incorrectly.
I’m sorry that you are experiencing this, it can in some ways be more difficult that a straight honest finish.
X

[CamiBami]

13 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

Thank you

 

We had been under the agreement of getting to know each other and see where we go. It was him who asked me, for the dates. Hes always bought dinner, held doors open, been great with my kids. Made me feel good. So its been 3 days or so now where there's just nothing. So it is a bit meh. I know his routine and been to his, hes been to mine, hes talked to me about his work n friends and really went into detail about his life. Then... nothing. Its so bizaree.

 

and yes I would be happy if it was a NSA and just fun thing 100% but I dont even know if thats a thing to happen anymore. I just like people to communicate. Either yeh sure cya next week or , No fuck off. Either way I would be happy. Its just the limbo.

Yeah that limbo hurts especially since you two sounded like you were close. It takes maybe a minute to message someone back, so there is no excuse for him to not to respond to you, unless he’s dead somewhere, which he isn’t cause you can see he is online. So it sounds like he is just being a jerk and ignoring you aka ghosting you. Who knows why tho…. Just know whatever excuses and reasons he gives does not justify it and you deserve better.

[Je****]

1 minute ago, Subtlety said:

If they don’t respond u can only follow ur gut on this.
Perhaps something awful has happened but, if u can see them online on WhatsApp then that would say not.
If I was in your position, it would indicate to me that they are a coward and didn’t have the emotional balls to be honest enough that there was an issue.
You sound quite straight talking and open about your expectations so it seems unlikely that you have read or implied the situation incorrectly.
I’m sorry that you are experiencing this, it can in some ways be more difficult that a straight honest finish.
X

Yeah I usually go with my gut. This time it is conflicted. Due to the situation, and experiences have all been positive and now this. Just very odd behaviour. I don't know why people do it. 

It's not a case of having his cake and eating it though. And he was shitty at replying through the week and did reply at one stage to apologise, but wasn't left this long. 

So yeh, odd. But I will give it til Wednesday or Friday ish and if nothing I won't mind just writing it off as fun but done.

[Fistingpeeman]

I get it. I'm just saying, this whole internet thing, it's just so fucking convenient. Sure, sometimes we don't click with some people, sometimes we don't do it for them. No amount of confidence will change that, and it's a hard pill to swallow. But when even that doesn't provide the answers, it's just down to the way we go about our lives now.  Not a fan, but it's a necessary evil. 

 

[Je****]

1 minute ago, CamiBami said:

Yeah that limbo hurts especially since you two sounded like you were close. It takes maybe a minute to message someone back, so there is no excuse for him to not to respond to you, unless he’s dead somewhere, which he isn’t cause you can see he is online. So it sounds like he is just being a jerk and ignoring you aka ghosting you. Who knows why tho…. Just know whatever excuses and reasons he gives does not justify it and you deserve better.

Yeah we were close to an extent. Was very intense to say the least and a lot of good experiences. Which is why the shock of nothingness is upon me. He's defnately not dead. What will be will be, and all that

[Em****]

I was seeing a guy who was notorious for this. I knew of messages from girls on WhatsApp from 9 months ago that he hadn't opened. He had ADHD and would get overwhelmed and couldn't cope with talking to people at times. But if I messaged then he would answer. It was about choosing whether he wanted to speak to that person. Ghosting is about the intention and isn't as specific as blocking etc. He's consciously ignoring you and as far as I'm concerned, that's ghosting. However - it's not a very long period of time. Maybe he's got shit going on, maybe he's trying to work something out... in fairness it's only a few days. I'd say maybe leave it a few more days and not message. Maybe keep an open mind and then set yourself a certain day where for you it would be enough time and then it's time for a blunt and honest message without being rude.
Dunno... there's no right or wrong answer in how to deal with this, it's a subjective topic and we all have different limits. I'd just recommend an open mind but having clear boundaries at the same time. You don't wanna have the piss taken out of you but you also don't wanna lose out on something potentially great if there's a genuine reason for him needing space.
Good Luck whatever happens - I hope you get the outcome you deserve 💜

[Je****]

1 minute ago, Emerald_Eyes said:

I was seeing a guy who was notorious for this. I knew of messages from girls on WhatsApp from 9 months ago that he hadn't opened. He had ADHD and would get overwhelmed and couldn't cope with talking to people at times. But if I messaged then he would answer. It was about choosing whether he wanted to speak to that person. Ghosting is about the intention and isn't as specific as blocking etc. He's consciously ignoring you and as far as I'm concerned, that's ghosting. However - it's not a very long period of time. Maybe he's got shit going on, maybe he's trying to work something out... in fairness it's only a few days. I'd say maybe leave it a few more days and not message. Maybe keep an open mind and then set yourself a certain day where for you it would be enough time and then it's time for a blunt and honest message without being rude.
Dunno... there's no right or wrong answer in how to deal with this, it's a subjective topic and we all have different limits. I'd just recommend an open mind but having clear boundaries at the same time. You don't wanna have the piss taken out of you but you also don't wanna lose out on something potentially great if there's a genuine reason for him needing space.
Good Luck whatever happens - I hope you get the outcome you deserve 💜

Thanks this was nice to read. 

It has been like 3 days of nothing., and I will give it til Friday at the latest. I have texted him already for the last time way earlier today asking whether we stand or i move on. I won't be sending any more. If he doesn't reply then I move on. I am just saddened that i met someone so great and its went so sour like this. 

Part of me is trying to process moving forward already but I am a person of hope and I keep that little bit aside just incase there is a genuine reason. It's not a huge amount as i know his routine etc so i know hes not otherwise incapable of sending a 3 second text. Time will tell. Hopefully I will be able to update this thread either way

[Blacksmith]

Absolutely brilliant comments from both of you . So grounded and positive. It’s a hard situation and I have been through this. Never stop being your awesome selves . Big hugs all around.

[E-dUbBs]

I’m not going to say much on this thread as I’m sure you all saw my poem/lyric this week
What i will find it impossible to not say is ghosters are cowardly low human beings who are not brave enough to tell you that their feelings or whatever have changed. They’re happy to leave you worrying about their well-being and situation because it’s easier for them.
To any regular ghosters reading this or anyone who’s ghosted me in the past I say FIX UP & GROW A SET, YOU ARE PATHETIC
Sorry I was intending to not start a rant when I began this reply but…, ish happens

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, Lady_Char said:

Nah, I disagree with other's definition of ghosting. You don't need to read the message to know it's there. You see it, don't bother to open it and read it, that's ghosting. If he's online (on WhatsApp) then he knows there are messages from you waiting to be read.

 

And it's a typical (wankerish) dating behavoour - if I don't "read" it then they won't see the R for Read and I can come back to them and legitimately say I didn't ghost if I decide I want another bite. I wouldn't put up with it Jen. Communication is key and if they're shit now, they'll only get worse.

I agree Char based on the info shared.
I was seeing a guy previously who'd duck messages if he knew they were about the hard stuff. For example, sharing that he'd previously had issues with alcohol whilst we'd be out drinking and me needing to follow that up the following day whilst sober and asking to chat only to find he was back in the pub, agreeing to chat the following day with my message going unread for another 36hrs despite him being online (good old whatsapp 🤣). He was clear though he wasn't ghosting as such, just worried about the actual conversation.
But yeah, that in itself wasn't for me.

I have been ghosted and I have ghosted people. It's hard when it happens to you but I do think sometimes it's for the best and can be a valid response in certain circumstances. I've definitely commented on similar threads explaining why I've done it in the past but I think people have a whole variety of reasons why they do it. Best to know sooner rather than later I think if they can't/won't communicate honestly and openly.

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I agree Char based on the info shared.
I was seeing a guy previously who'd duck messages if he knew they were about the hard stuff. For example, sharing that he'd previously had issues with alcohol whilst we'd be out drinking and me needing to follow that up the following day whilst sober and asking to chat only to find he was back in the pub, agreeing to chat the following day with my message going unread for another 36hrs despite him being online (good old whatsapp 🤣). He was clear though he wasn't ghosting as such, just worried about the actual conversation.
But yeah, that in itself wasn't for me.

I have been ghosted and I have ghosted people. It's hard when it happens to you but I do think sometimes it's for the best and can be a valid response in certain circumstances. I've definitely commented on similar threads explaining why I've done it in the past but I think people have a whole variety of reasons why they do it. Best to know sooner rather than later I think if they can't/won't communicate honestly and openly.

Yep, it's the not knowing. Just tell me to fuck off and be done with it, or communicate. It's not that hard. None of the convo was about feels or anything like that.... I was repsonding to him saying about a date he was free (would try to get off) but he never opened the reply I gave. 

Oh well, time will bare all.