My dom asked me to report…

[Ljwlf]

No judgement please. 
 

i am married sub with vanilla husband. I have single dom. 
He asked me to report him when I have sex with my husband. That’s the thought behind this?

[Deleted Member]

hes your husband,sounds like your dom is more controlling of your life to be honest. Does ur husband even know u have a dom? if not that u need to choose between one or the other

[DantesVision]

I’d say it’s an attempt to assert dominance in an area where they have none - In your otherwise private life. They are trying to outrank your husband

[BigPolly]

Only do what you are comfortable doing, if you’re happy to tell him then do so, if you’re not then you’re able to say no.
He’s your Dom but you still have a say. Don’t let anyone bully you into doing something you’re not comfortable doing & set that as a hard limit.
He may be trying to assert his Dominance however he may get off on the thought of you having sex with someone else but again only do or tell him what you’re comfortable with

[so****]

Omg that's one serious predicament... I can't imagine the difficulty of your situation & the events which led to it... I feel so bad & wish I could help. I hope your vanilla husband is aware of everything & consenting. Guess that would fall somewhere in the "cuckery" category? If not, then I cannot endorse adultery. However I will not judge or talk shit. I just cannot encourage something which goes against the very foundation of my personal beliefs. I truly wish you the best & hope you can successfully resolve this situation. But to your question: Yes, he's likely keeping tabs on your sex life. Why? I cannot say. *HOWEVER* I'm not aware of any real Dominant who would willingly contribute to or be an accessory to adultery. The BDSM community tends to be very respectful of the relationships of others, especially ones as serious as marriage. Just a word of caution: Anyone who's willing to be an accessory to adultery or contribute to it like that, obviously does not respect other people's relationships or dynamics, & will very likely cheat on you in turn. So exercise due caution. But I feel like your husband must be consenting or at least be aware. I just can't see a Dom intentionally being involved in something like that. If you ever need someone anonymous to talk to, feel free to hit me up. Hope things go well🌹Good luck.

[Da****]

I agree with most of the other comments that he is trying to exert his Dominance.. Have you talked about limits etc. If so, was this set as a limit or does it need to be set as a limit? If you have no issue with it, then do it and not give it a second thought..however it seems like you do have an issue with it, so you need to discuss it with your Dom.

[CopperKnob]

There needs to be context, hopefully the Dom has given you their rationale for requesting this.
I'd assume that they haven't because you're asking here what's the thinking behind it.
This is not something you have to do
This is something you discuss for as long as necessary before you agree to it or not and yep, the reason behind the ask is necessary for you to know. If you don't know all the information, how can you possibly decide? D/s is about informed consent. A lack of information removes the informed element.
I'm wondering if this is an 'online Dom'?

[CopperKnob]

40 minutes ago, sonofthunder777 said:

Omg that's one serious predicament... I can't imagine the difficulty of your situation & the events which led to it... I feel so bad & wish I could help. I hope your vanilla husband is aware of everything & consenting. Guess that would fall somewhere in the "cuckery" category? If not, then I cannot endorse adultery. However I will not judge or talk shit. I just cannot encourage something which goes against the very foundation of my personal beliefs. I truly wish you the best & hope you can successfully resolve this situation. But to your question: Yes, he's likely keeping tabs on your sex life. Why? I cannot say. *HOWEVER* I'm not aware of any real Dominant who would willingly contribute to or be an accessory to adultery. The BDSM community tends to be very respectful of the relationships of others, especially ones as serious as marriage. Just a word of caution: Anyone who's willing to be an accessory to adultery or contribute to it like that, obviously does not respect other people's relationships or dynamics, & will very likely cheat on you in turn. So exercise due caution. But I feel like your husband must be consenting or at least be aware. I just can't see a Dom intentionally being involved in something like that. If you ever need someone anonymous to talk to, feel free to hit me up. Hope things go well🌹Good luck.

That's a particularly judgy/projecting comment of your own values?

[jd****]

Sounds fishy

[de****]

From a Dom perspective wouldn't find this odd, but of course this level of communication has to be previously agreed (you are also including information about your partner's intimacy). If you or your partner are not comfortable with this, then tell him this is out of limits and should be the end of the story.

Now, to try and answer your question, the rationale behind this can vary and I'll talk from my perspective: Maybe he wants to do some "sex deprivation" games where you can't/shouldn't have any stimulation so when you're with him, you are "starving"... I've done this with poly partners, where if they have sex with their main partners or masturbate, they are punished (also part of the game). But again this should be agreed upon and even if you agreed to it previously, and you're not feeling comfortable with it anymore, then tell him and should be the end of the story.

If he gets pushy, annoyed or angry I'd consider it a serious red flag.

[LustAndLogic]

I am a Dom married to a vanilla wife secretly looking for a sub so I definitely won't judge you. Too many people believe that they need to push their lofty moral standards upon you without knowing anything about your life... Your Dom might be aroused by the idea of being able to get a certain degree of control over your private life and, indirectly, also over that of your (unknowing?) husband. You should ask your Dom what this is all about and he should be able to explain you clearly why and what he wants to achieve with this kind of information. It is then up to you to decide if you are fine with doing that or not. If he is not willing to explain, or to accept your no without any discussion, I can only recommend that you immediately put an end to the relationship.

[Deleted Member]

It very much depends what you are comfortable with. If he is asking you to report when you have sex with your husband, and you are comfortable doing that, then I don't see that as problematic (assuming you are ENM?). If he wants to start giving permission for you to do it, or wanting to know beforehand so that he can input it in some way, I'd be a lot less comfortable with that. Particularly if the husband was not on board with that kind of disclosure. Really, the husband needs to be cool with it. Are you expected to give details? That should have consent from both of you.

[Seeknwifencucks]

As someone who deals with couples if your husbands a cuck and knows then not an issue but if husbands vanilla and doesn’t know what your doing with Dom can get extremely dangerous. I’m not judging I’m just letting you know from what I’ve personally seen over 30 years. I would be curious to know his reasoning behind asking is he with others maybe gotten an std doesn’t want caught etc

[Ki****]

What does your husband say? Does he know about your dom? I think it’s up to the three of you to determine your roles. It is entirely ok for you to have boundaries on your marriage that your dom does not cross, especially if your husband did not agree to have power exerted over him as well. 

[Je****]

Absolute feckin no for me

 

The dynamic u have with him is nothing compared to the marriage with your husband.. and he shouldn't be interfering with that. 

[Ljwlf]

I don’t mind reporting him but I thought it might hurt his feeling etc. I’m very new to this, just trying to understand what’s his thoughts behind it. I thought he will be uncomfortable hearing about my sex life with my husband. Also he asked to to get permission if I want to masterbate. 

[ey****]

It might be worth asking him the rational behind it.

this could be something in the sense that it is somewhat humiliating having to report

but, I think it's something you should think about if you are happy to do.  If, say, your husband found out everything how happy he'd be that you were making notes on sex life

[CopperKnob]

2 minutes ago, Ljwlf said:

I don’t mind reporting him but I thought it might hurt his feeling etc. I’m very new to this, just trying to understand what’s his thoughts behind it. I thought he will be uncomfortable hearing about my sex life with my husband. Also he asked to to get permission if I want to masterbate. 

Only he can tell you his thinking behind his request

[Da****]

58 minutes ago, Ljwlf said:

I don’t mind reporting him but I thought it might hurt his feeling etc. I’m very new to this, just trying to understand what’s his thoughts behind it. I thought he will be uncomfortable hearing about my sex life with my husband. Also he asked to to get permission if I want to masterbate. 

As for the masterbating part...I have done that with subs...its about dominance...

[Chloebear]

9 hours ago, sonofthunder777 said:

Omg that's one serious predicament... I can't imagine the difficulty of your situation & the events which led to it... I feel so bad & wish I could help. I hope your vanilla husband is aware of everything & consenting. Guess that would fall somewhere in the "cuckery" category? If not, then I cannot endorse adultery. However I will not judge or talk shit. I just cannot encourage something which goes against the very foundation of my personal beliefs. I truly wish you the best & hope you can successfully resolve this situation. But to your question: Yes, he's likely keeping tabs on your sex life. Why? I cannot say. *HOWEVER* I'm not aware of any real Dominant who would willingly contribute to or be an accessory to adultery. The BDSM community tends to be very respectful of the relationships of others, especially ones as serious as marriage. Just a word of caution: Anyone who's willing to be an accessory to adultery or contribute to it like that, obviously does not respect other people's relationships or dynamics, & will very likely cheat on you in turn. So exercise due caution. But I feel like your husband must be consenting or at least be aware. I just can't see a Dom intentionally being involved in something like that. If you ever need someone anonymous to talk to, feel free to hit me up. Hope things go well🌹Good luck.

Honestly, I’ve met plenty of Doms willing to have subs outside of marriage, both with and without their wife’s knowledge. This sweeping statement isn’t necessarily the case. However, it does run contrary to practices of open communication and ways to keep polyamory healthy.

[Chloebear]

Like others have said, it depends on your dynamic, limits and what is agreed. I don’t find it unusual that he would want to know when you are sexually active - it’s a control aspect. Doms often want to control sexual release, it can relate to that. It’s why having multiple Dominants can be an issue, and having a partnership that is as heavily weighted as your dynamic will alter the nature of your dynamic with your Dom. I have certainly heard of Doms trying to control sex within marriages - it’s all up to you how you want to proceed, but if that were the case to do so without your husband being aware would be unethical. I would say that typically a Dom wouldn’t want to cause that kind of friction - that kind of sadism is best avoided, you don’t want to be with someone who enjoys messing with your life for fulfilment.

[Ch****]

10 hours ago, sonofthunder777 said:

Omg that's one serious predicament... I can't imagine the difficulty of your situation & the events which led to it... I feel so bad & wish I could help. I hope your vanilla husband is aware of everything & consenting. Guess that would fall somewhere in the "cuckery" category? If not, then I cannot endorse adultery. However I will not judge or talk shit. I just cannot encourage something which goes against the very foundation of my personal beliefs. I truly wish you the best & hope you can successfully resolve this situation. But to your question: Yes, he's likely keeping tabs on your sex life. Why? I cannot say. *HOWEVER* I'm not aware of any real Dominant who would willingly contribute to or be an accessory to adultery. The BDSM community tends to be very respectful of the relationships of others, especially ones as serious as marriage. Just a word of caution: Anyone who's willing to be an accessory to adultery or contribute to it like that, obviously does not respect other people's relationships or dynamics, & will very likely cheat on you in turn. So exercise due caution. But I feel like your husband must be consenting or at least be aware. I just can't see a Dom intentionally being involved in something like that. If you ever need someone anonymous to talk to, feel free to hit me up. Hope things go well🌹Good luck.

You need to stop being so judgmental an  in my eyes your kink shaming. Al

 

I personally know doms  who have subs who have vanila partners. They doms have nothing but respect for there subs. You do not know what doms are like you are classing every dom as you see them threw your eyes. Stop it. You would not like to be judged. 

 

Just because you have beliefs others don't so do not judge people  threw your beliefs it is wrong.

 

Also there are people on here who date a group of people some are kinky in the group some are not. As long as people are safe an happy that's all that matters 

Yes i know it as a name an begins with p but im dyslexic an can not spell

 

He who judges should be judged 1st. 

She asked  to not be judged an there you are judging her

 

Edited September 7, 2022 by Charms

[Chloebear]

13 hours ago, LustAndLogic said:

I am a Dom married to a vanilla wife secretly looking for a sub so I definitely won't judge you. Too many people believe that they need to push their lofty moral standards upon you without knowing anything about your life... Your Dom might be aroused by the idea of being able to get a certain degree of control over your private life and, indirectly, also over that of your (unknowing?) husband. You should ask your Dom what this is all about and he should be able to explain you clearly why and what he wants to achieve with this kind of information. It is then up to you to decide if you are fine with doing that or not. If he is not willing to explain, or to accept your no without any discussion, I can only recommend that you immediately put an end to the relationship.

The reason that, as a community, we would recommend being open rather than secretive is not to do with moral values but to do with avoiding harm and maintaining consent, which is the aim of all good bdsm practice. Without being informed, partners can be harmed further down the road and their consent is definitely breached.

As a Dominant, affecting others’ lives via your sub without their consent is unethical. If this is the case here, it’s a red flag in my book.

[Th****]

here's the thinking and rational behind this....

Im not the dominant firstly, or the husband, this is just to clarify for those that do not know me.

 

You are a submissive with a vanilla life partner, this is your private personal relationship, and has nothing whatsoever to do with your current D/s relationship.

You need to manage your dominant, his interference with your personal private life relationship is not the actions of an experienced dominant, this type of interference has very serious consequences and will cause issues with your life partner. What you do with your husband is yours and your husbands business and has no bearing on the D/s.

The dominant needs to be sat down and clearly told that your relationship with your husband is a hard limit, and not to be discussed.

The dominant is engaged to give you the types of play your husband either cannot or is embarrassed to give you and nothing more.

I personally would have a few very serious questions for the dominant in question as to why he thinks its ok to interfere with your relationship with your life partner.

 

[Th****]

14 hours ago, LustAndLogic said:

I am a Dom married to a vanilla wife secretly looking for a sub so I definitely won't judge you. Too many people believe that they need to push their lofty moral standards upon you without knowing anything about your life... Your Dom might be aroused by the idea of being able to get a certain degree of control over your private life and, indirectly, also over that of your (unknowing?) husband. You should ask your Dom what this is all about and he should be able to explain you clearly why and what he wants to achieve with this kind of information. It is then up to you to decide if you are fine with doing that or not. If he is not willing to explain, or to accept your no without any discussion, I can only recommend that you immediately put an end to the relationship.

Why would you be keeping this secret form your wife, this is nothing more than tantamount to cheating on her, dominants are highly trained, and only honest people. This level of deception dose not breed trust in any way, your comment is nothing like a dominant should be, and rather a highlight as to what is a RED FLAG.

 

You are no dominant, you are not honest, and you show no trust, and im betting you have no training to boot.