Calling yourself a Dom at 18

[ma****]

No, I don't think that a Dom at that age has gained enough experience to understand the responsibilities of a Dom. In most places (if not all), people must be at least 18 of age to be able to attend events or join certain sites. So if someone has just started, how can they know the responsabilities and have the experience needed?

Surely, they can be Doms, but inexperienced one and, if they are willing to learn, they can become great Doms in one day.

[Zela]

3 hours ago, DivineMyst said:

Being dominant in the bedroom is different to a 24/7 pe dynamic. I find most D are tops at best ..

Absolutely agree!

[Zela]

3 hours ago, 4RCH said:

This is another of those posts that is written in a gender bias form but in reality it applies to the role not the gender.

You're absolutely right, thank you for calling me out on that. I was looking at it through my lens but of course, the same is true when the roles are reversed.

[Ma****]

38 minutes ago, maryioni said:

Tops and bottoms can fit in BDSM. Tops can be Sadists or Riggers etc so those fits in BDSM too.

I didn't say otherwise.

[Zela]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Where's the indication/evidence that the individual the OP's speaking about is not a Dom?

I'm neither a Top nor a bottom and I'm not attempting to "flame" you, but honestly, what does a label matter? We all get twisted about what "role" we are when really, it truly doesn't matter. All that matters is understanding our individual likes/limits and finding someone who's compatible.

Exactly. I was not referring to anyone in particular. It's a general observation based on the guys who have viewed my profile since I joined this site. I noticed there are A LOT of very young men that consider themselves Dom so it got me wondering about that. Thinking back to my generation and how we were at that ago. I also recognize that today's 18 yo have a different relationship with sex than us Gen Xers. I have such a problem with titles and roles when honestly, I don't give a rat's ass. I want to know if we're compatible.

[Zela]

2 hours ago, MHarry03 said:

Hi, I myself am 19 and identify myself as a Dom, personally I would never profess to be the best Dom with the most experience because that’s clearly not the case, I’m open to criticism and learning. To me its a state of mind and being, not something you choose, and I’ve experienced a lot of disbelief and scepticism as to my position within this lifestyle, however I have also proven myself to many that are more open minded what a good Dom I can become with a little more help and experience, I may be 19 but I have done a lot of research around subjects I am interested in and am part of a mentorship with both a Dom and a sub enabling me to learn from both perspectives. I understand the skepicism, however I truly believe the real factor is maturity and life experience as opposed to age

Thank you for sharing that. I hope you stay on your path and continue to show such maturity so both you and your partners can enjoy each other.

[Zela]

1 hour ago, ccolabro said:

that's like wanting companies wanting to hire people with experience and no-one wanting to give new generations that actual experience
Of course they're a dom! That's their interest. Amount of experience is not included. If you want someone with a lot of experience, ask for that, but don't drag an 18 year old down. Be better

I wasn't dragging anyone down and your insinuation is unfair. This is a forum to exchange and learn and that's what I put out there. If I asked the question it's because I'm trying to make head or tails about this topic. I never said I wouldn't give a young man a chance, nor did I say that I would. But thanks for weighing in.

[Su****]

I think it depends on how upfront and honest they are. If they say I'm new to it and I want to learn and there taking responsibility then nothing wrong there. If on the other hand they are acting like I'm god's gift and I can do everything then absolutely not.

[se****]

I feel like it goes both ways, I’ve met girls who were 18-20 and considered themselves subs. Some weren’t as knowledgeable or experienced as the other, and some were. It all really just depends on the person, tbh. To assume someone isn’t experienced based on their age is a bit childish in itself (not saying that’s what you’re doing) just going off my personal experience, I’ve had subs who were 18 and were much more experienced than other who was 26. There’s some people who’s been into bdsm since very young ages, everyone definitely deserves a chance though.

[Lita]

humans arent neurologically viable adults until about 25 years old. anyone younger is still forming their brain.

[se****]

Lita - that’s most people, not all people. And second, brain development has nothing to do with your experience. You’re fully conscious and aware way before 25.

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, MasterMoksi said:

If I need a bakker I and a cook calls himself a bakker it's not what I seek.

If I order carbonara I don't like much room sauce because they like it that way.

You feel personally offended as I predicted in the original post.
I'm not saying you can't be what you want to be or do what you wanna do.

But what you call "labels" I call language definitions.

Again

If I look for a strawberry pie I don't want to receive a raspberry pie.


A Dom is different then a Top
Not all bdsm is about sex acts.

You're projecting, I'm not "offended." I'm providing a different viewpoint to yours
You suggested that role definitions are broken on the basis that others use them differently to how you might. In contrast I suggested that role definitions aren't that bigger issue.

[Lita]

56 minutes ago, searchingformyslave said:

Lita - that’s most people, not all people. And second, brain development has nothing to do with your experience. You’re fully conscious and aware way before 25.

i didnt comment on either experience or consciousness, i mean neurons and grey matter are still moving, likely contributing to a drastic change of a human being from one year to the next.

[ey****]

4 hours ago, MasterMoksi said:

The whole role definitions are broken.
I tryed several times to bring it up talking about roles and titles. But then all The Tops and bottoms come out to flame.

A lot of people try to gatekeep roles and, there's stuff in principle I get and agree with.  But you have to kinda understand the actual history.

When people started using titles in kink a lot was actually very much defined differently based on territory and how the local communities worked.  People often chose titles that felt comfortable for them and what fit their mindset.

Then the 90s happened and folk came along and started trying to pin definitions and gatekeeping like - "I am this because x, y, z" and "you are that" or "you are NOT that" and started policing the whole community.  And ACAB applies to scene police as well.

As many people will throw in "communication is key" and so it's always important to have conversations about how one persons ideas and preferences - instead people try to throw folk out like "we're not compatible because I am a true Dominant (or true sub!) and they're ONLY a bottom (or Top)" or whatever bullshit gets bandied around.

 

[ey****]

7 hours ago, Zela said:

If a guy is 18 and considers himself a Dom, do you really think he’s gained enough experience to understand the intricacies and responsibility it entails?

I feel variances of this question come up a lot and there are assorted assumptions that it follows - and those are usually that the person is only 18 so therefore cannot possibly have any experience.  Because of course, no one under the age of 25 is having sex or experimenting with kink

But equally. We wouldn't treat someone who was brand new, using roles and titles, who was (say) 40.  Even though they might have less kink experience.   They also may have different teachings or experience to someone else who is the same age from another territory.

One of the big problems in kink at times is people get too up in other people's business.  What is the problem someone is using that title?   It's not like, say, they're older and pretending they have experience they don't to manipulate newcomers.   And like anyone else - someone potentially interested can have a conversation to see if ideas are on a similar wavelength.  

I mean. For me. I'm not going to be playing or in a relationship with someone who is 18 *anyway* 

and when I do talk to people. Like. If we're on different wave lengthes it doesn't mean they are or aren't one thing or another, just that we're on different wave lengths.

[Ma****]

39 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

A lot of people try to gatekeep roles and, there's stuff in principle I get and agree with.  But you have to kinda understand the actual history.

When people started using titles in kink a lot was actually very much defined differently based on territory and how the local communities worked.  People often chose titles that felt comfortable for them and what fit their mindset.

Then the 90s happened and folk came along and started trying to pin definitions and gatekeeping like - "I am this because x, y, z" and "you are that" or "you are NOT that" and started policing the whole community.  And ACAB applies to scene police as well.

As many people will throw in "communication is key" and so it's always important to have conversations about how one persons ideas and preferences - instead people try to throw folk out like "we're not compatible because I am a true Dominant (or true sub!) and they're ONLY a bottom (or Top)" or whatever bullshit gets bandied around.

 

I do agree with You.
However what I see much more in general in the world these days that terminology gets scattered.
If we all define terminology in our own way. Then why would we use them at all.


Like I said in my metaphor if I order a burger and I get a taco because its how the restaurant feels about it.

So what is so wrong with being a Top instead of a Dom. It's not less its not inferior.

Its just different.
My definition of a Dom is one who has an Dominant personality type and has some knowledge and experience to lead out side of the bedroom.
The Dom is the one that WSHTF keeps his/her head cool and naturally lead.
All Doms are Tops but not all Tops are Doms.

I don't understand why people all get upset if they don't fall in to a certain role and have to go for another.
Im a pilot but I like to be called doctor.
I'm straight but being gay is more trending so I'm gonna identify as gay eventho I'm straight.

Als al these roles and titles are stackable.

It is not to hurt or offend.
And yes whatever works between the 2 works.
But these definitions terminology are so we can filter.
But the filter is broken.

[ey****]

I think on food an analogy I like is pizza.  You can go almost anywhere in the world and order pizza.  And of course, you'd be rightfully annoyed if you got spaghetti.

But pizza differs so wildly for different reasons

Dominant and submissive have both become catch all terms.  I think a slight problem within this actually as well is that D/s is only a small part of BDSM in general.  So, yeah, I agree in the sense that Dominant becomes generally applied to people on the left of the slash and submissive to the right

And to a degree; this is something we have to kinda accept it's how things have moved.  

But like - the pigeonholing of titles was only really a recent thing. 1990s. And it didn't really work, so we're back to where we are now.   There was a period where communities would do earned titles, and that is also something which long term didn't work out - because you couldn't use your titles outside of the community which had given you it.  And it came from military ideas (you might be a Sargant in the Army but that means nothing outside of it - you could also be stripped of your titles)

So almost every attempt to make things stick has failed.

And who says people "Have" to fall into certain roles.  I mean who defines them?  You have given your definition for example, but if someone else has a different definition we're at square one.

Some of your other examples are poor.  So for example you cannot be a pilot without a pilot license.  You cannot call yourself a Doctor without the qualification but a Doctor of Medicine is VERY different to a Doctor of Philosophy even though these are both the same title and both earned titles.

If anything all you are doing is reinforcing some of my points

If we go back to your examples on burgers, mind, order a burger in Serbia and you get something quite different to a burger in Denmark and East Asia uses rice in their burgers!  These are still examples that mean different things to different people.

 

[ey****]

the big problem of course is no matter how you define a role; if you automatically assume someone cannot be it because of their age (but someone else can be it because of their age, despite no experience) then there is a flawed bias in your definitions.

Equally. It's also really easy to get into the no true scotsman fallacy as every person you could find some characteristic that doesn't make them a "true" Dominant or "true" submissive.

Because definitely one thing we should all hopefully have learned, if any of our experience is to count for anything, is there is no "one true way" 

[BigPolly]

I started my BDSM journey at 17/18 & started attending fet clubs around 20 as a Domme
I then went onto spend the next 20yrs as a Domme
At 40 I changed & became a sub.
Being a Dom is a role & for many of us BDSM is who we are but we never ever stop learning & evolving be that roles, kinks, limits etc
Learning & experience comes in so many formats, reading, clubs, events, but also from being with someone. Not everyone thinks/acts/is the same so you can have 20yrs experience & think “right this is how I Dom(me)” but if it isn’t fitting in with the person you’re playing with then it’s irrelevant.
It’s not just about experience it’s about respect, knowing the basic dos & don't & about a willingness to learn, keep learning & to gain confidence from that.

[Deleted Member]

Gotta remember everyone lives life differently and same with the experience one goes thru

[Gi****]

Dom is a lifestyle not a masters degree. Sure a new to the scene Dom would potentially have less experience, and age may relate to that. But that just makes them not as good as one with years of encounters and research.

But in reality, we are always learning to be better. X

[OT****]

Someone can have naturally dominant tendencies at any age. But does a 18 year old really have the life skills, personally I don't think so. Most 18 year olds are emotional immature and don't have an understanding of of what's actually involved. The emotional element outweighs the physical and that's only learnt with time and experience

[CptDetroit]

No. He’s more like a Jedi Padawan - training and learning is possible, but there’s no way he’s had enough experience.

Same for girls at that age who claim to be Dom or sub - that may want to be, but there’s no way they have enough experience yet. Learning from others and training is possible, but it’s like going to college - they have a lot to learn yet.

[se****]

Are we all speaking from experience here? Not experience in ourselves, but experience with others. Have any of you had an 18 y/o sub/dom? I don’t know about y’all but I’ve been interested in this lifestyle since i was 15, and always only engaged with older females. Being told that i act dominate by multiple females when i was younger, definitely made me start researching and leaning early. No I wouldn’t say i was the most experienced or the best dom ever. But even as rare as it may be, I’ve had lots of experience before i turned 20.

[Nahian-5942]

Its not fair to judge that since they probably won't be getting experience for a while longer. I myself have been in the lifestyle since 18. I'm turning 23 this year and I've had very little experience. Being dominant with your previous ***age partners is probably some experience but not much.