Honest communication

[Wo****]

Aren't we just?

Tonight has been one of the most enlightening, freeing, comforting nights ever..

I've discovered new friends, new dynamics and seen someone's soul.

And me. I saw me as others see me and I liked what I saw.

I talked with pirate about a trigger and I still hate it but because of everything he does, and who he is, I am at least understanding it, and accepting it. For me to even type this is huge... 

Pirate....

At the beginning I told you I needed someone strong enough to let me shatter, I needed that so I could piece myself together.

Fooz is the missing part of my jigsaw, you are the edges.

 

[Vandalslut]

On 1/9/2020 at 5:08 AM, Fredddy said:

Kinksters, we are...

Sounds like Yoda...

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Tonight has been one of the most enlightening, freeing, comforting nights ever..

I've discovered new friends, new dynamics and seen someone's soul.

And me. I saw me as others see me and I liked what I saw. 

This was so heartening to read. I'd like to hope that I am one of those people you've mentioned. Thank you for being so open and giving to me the last 2 days. You are a beautiful soul. 

It's important to see yourself how others see you! x

[Wo****]

This is likely to be a long post. I feel the urge to write...

These last few weeks have been a wild time, one way and another. I've been through some stuff, learnt a lot about how i feel and why.

 

Being in a poly relationship was, and is, easier than i expected. Pirates' honesty and transparency, his endless patience and reassurance saw to that.  He has been, and is honest about who he sees. Always. He told me several weeks ago he had a potential meet. A few weeks ago we were at the club and he was talking about his kink kit to someone, explained there was some stuff he had that wasn't in there as it was a potential trigger for me. Of course, me being me asked what. It was a speculum. 

Bit of backstory here. I lost 4 babies. I have been prodded, poked, examined intimately more times than i care to remember. Even writing this.... i'm holding my breath.

Through further conversations, of my prompting and at my pace, it turned out his possible meet involved medical play. When he told me about the potential meet he told me enough so i knew what was happening but didn't give any details that might trigger me.

Pirate and i have been talking to a couple of other people recently, considering meeting up. A few days ago i talked to them both about my feelings regarding Pirates upcoming meet with his potential playmate. (I have been open with Pirate about how i feel. We talked about it. Again, always at my speed. He explained as little or as much as i wanted to know (this was done in person) about what was involved and we've talked, at length, on whatsapp. In fact i have filled an A4 writing pad of stuff that i've then taken a pic of and shown him.)

I wasn't jealous but i absolutely hated the idea of it. I think because for me it was just a reminder, a trigger, to so much ***. Weird when you consider i'm a masochist.. except it's not. Physical *** allows me to release my emotional ***. Anyway, i reached out for some support on a group chat between me, Pirate and the other two chatters the day before Pirate was off on his meet.

All three were great until something that was mentioned was a trigger. Pirate mentioned chastity. One of the others mentioned a male chastity cage with a sound. Let me make something really really clear here. It wasn't chastity that was the trigger it was the mention of the cage WITH A SOUND I used my safe word, well actually i used amber... Pirate and one of the other chatters picked up on it. One didn't.

They went into detail about how what they were talking about couldn't possibly be a trigger. I explained that to me, it was invasive, medically invasive.. "but it's not a tube"

I've also had a conversation with this person where they suggested that if Pirate and i met up with him and the other chatter that i would stay with him while Pirate left to spend the night with the other chatter. Yeah, right! Pirate and i are a couple. If we go play as a couple then that's how we'd be. Now, it may turn out that Pirate meets up with them on his own. Different thing entirely.

 

I'm still talking to this chatter, in fairness, he has now said he's sorry and that he genuinely didn't realise. Didn't know about the traffic light system. Said some stupid things including not wanting to be a therapist.

Honestly though, i don't know.

 

Bottom line.. because of Pirate i can actually begin to understand so much, including why i feel like i do about medical fetishes. I won't ever be a fan but i am, at least, dealing with it.

 

Do i really want someone in my life that seems to be trying to make me doubt him? No.

Not that i ever would, or will doubt Pirate. Every single thing he does is for a reason, he tells me anything and everything i need to know (while respecting privacy) and i absolutely trust his judgement.

 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

I think that the most important thing about “Honest Communication” is actually being honest in your communication. That means not lying. And not asking anyone else to lie for you. To your partner or anyone else. Simple really!

[Vandalslut]

38 minutes ago, Fredddy said:

I think that the most important thing about “Honest Communication” is actually being honest in your communication. That means not lying. And not asking anyone else to lie for you. To your partner or anyone else. Simple really!

For sure! An alleged 'friend' of ours, years ago, was in  a car accident - no other vehicles involved - he'd been drinking and this was the very early days of breathalysers.  His insurance company was a bit reluctant to pay up and he wanted us to say we'd been travelling behind him, seen him swerve to avoid an *** on the road and then gave him a nip or two of something for shock. The answer from us both was, "No".  Then he offered us some of the ***. This time the answer was,"Y'know where the door is, yeah? Don't let it hit you on the arse on our way out. And don't come back."  It's simple.  Don't tell lies. Don't ask others to lie for you. If you do the wrong thing, take responsibility and own up.

[li****]

This is what gets me about poly ect as some people in the dynamic aren't 100% honest!! Every person in the poly dynamic needs to be and has to be ***ful and truthfully honest it's the only way for it to work. And I applaud you bounty for talking about your ***s but also going to pirate about them and you both being totally honest with each other. As many I think see poly as having your cake and eat it so to speak and most of the people involved in a poly relationship/dynamic someone will always end up getting hurt if their isn't open honest communication but it's of course what's  needed in any dynamic in D/s. 💜

 

Edited January 18, 2020 by Lilmonster

[Vandalslut]

2 hours ago, Lilmonster said:

This is what gets me about poly ect as some people in the dynamic aren't 100% honest!! Every person in the poly dynamic needs to be and has to be ***ful and truthfully honest it's the only way for it to work. 

Absolutely, Lilmonster! 100% HONESTY is the only way to go. Anyone who wants to live in a BDSM dynamic of any sort, 100% truthfulness isn't an option, it's a necessity.  And that's being honest with others AND with themselves. Uncomfortable, sometimes - but very worthwhile, EXCELLENT for the soul and VERY necessary. No-one gets anywhere with dishonesty.

Edited January 18, 2020 by Vandalslut

[Wo****]

Honest communication?

I'm 50 in July. I have drunk, pretty much every day of my life since i was 24. My ex was controlling and abusive and a heavy drinker. He's also the father of my child and a brilliant dad. 

My dad died 2 years ago, i left my ex, i suffered depression, pneumonia, scabies, i broke my leg and had surgery..... then i met Pirate and everything changed. I was, and am, in a LDR, with the man i'm gonna spend my life with. He allows me the freedom to play until i move over to him.

I connected with Pirate. Where i am now is down to him. He has helped me face, and understand some of my deepest ***s, and still is.

All my life i have yearned to be free... to be loved... to be an inspiration. Everything i have wanted, and held on for, is within my grasp and i'm scared to hell because if i fuck this up i may as well give up. But, i can do this.

I've got help, support, counselling..

I'm emotional, dealing with a lot, taking advice, looking at myself..

I don't wanna be a victim, i don't wanna be a survivor, i wanna change the world...

I want to matter...

[Ar****]

2 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

I want to matter...

You do matter, Bounty, you fucking matter so much ❤

 

You're already changing the world too. Baby steps, The Butterfly Effect, call it what you will - you do more than you realise. 

[Wo****]

Thank you... so much ❤

[Vandalslut]

3 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

 I don't wanna be a victim, i don't wanna be a survivor, i wanna change the world...

I want to matter...

Survivors change the world because they realise that they cannot change the past, they cannot make the wrong-doers 'pay' for their crimes, they don't have a concept of revenge - and they don't want to make anyone pay or extract vengeance, anyway. Survivors change how they see the past. Survivors know they cannot 'make' other people change and they wouldn't want them to do that either. They draw on their experiences and share them, when asked and when appropriate. That gentle, measured sharing is 'honest communication'. The Vandal and I have both been the grateful recipients of survivors' wisdom. We're also survivors, like most people. The  mind/body/spirit sort, like most people.  Survivors rarely offer their story. They don't have to, they know what happened, they were there.  If anyone asks, great.  They'll share the story or more likely, share what they learnt. If no-one asks, that's O.K. too. They just get on with Life - with a capital 'L'.   Victims talk constantly about themselves,  their problems, they never shift off them. Victims choose to sit in a hole replaying all the injustices and wrongs of their life then get out only to stumble from crisis to crisis. Then they jump back in the hole that's just been made deeper by the latest drama and blame someone else for making the whole deeper.  No-one makes them sit in that hole - they choose it. They can climb out any time they like.  Survivors matter, and all those it's been my privilege to meet are genuinely surprised at how much positive impact they've made, how many lives they've changed for the better. Survivors change the world through sharing what they've learnt.  Victims learn nothing, and so have nothing to share. And no-one ever changed the world by sitting in a hole.

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Vandalslut said:

Victims learn nothing, and so have nothing to share. And no-one ever changed the world by sitting in a hole.

Brilliant. Aussie wisdom at its best! Cheers VS...

[Wo****]

I'm not a victim, of at least if I am I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a "survivour" either, I'm already a survivor... I don't want to survive, I want to LIVE.

To do that I need to take a really really honest look at myself. That's why I post. Not because I'm a victim. I do it because I'm still figuring out how to be who I want to be.

 

[Wo****]

There have been a lot of changes in my life 

When i was with my ex, i yearned to be free. Free to be me. To love, write, make friends, do all the stuff that makes me "me" I couldn't do that with him. He convinced me i was all the things he said i was. Ugly, worthless, fat, clumsy, stupid and unloveable.

Once i'd left him, things changed, but i was still dealing with a lot of issues. I used to drink, a lot. Every day. New Years Eve i had an epiphany. Something just clicked. I had drunk, pretty much every day of my life dince i was 24, i turn 50 in july. I'd had enough. If that didn't make me an alcoholic then what would? I'd had enough. I got help to quit drinking. It's said you need to be three things to quit addiction. Ready, willing and able. I was finally at a point in my life where i was all three.

I got help (i'm still getting help) and i've been sober nearly 4 weeks now. They say your life changes when you become sober (i'd originally typed quit drinking but .. upvote coming... become sober is a more positive way of saying the same thing and in the present tense. That'll make sense to some) I never dreamed it would be this different.

I have a small circle of close friends and Pirate that have encouraged me and supported me and been honest with me. I'm living the life i yearned for, believed in. Everything about my life has changed. I'm discovering the delight in being sober, the joy in doing familiar things that i used to do but at a totally different place in my life.

A good place.

[Vandalslut]

46 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

That'll make sense to some

My word it does!