Kink Positive: What Does Sex Positive Kink Look Like To You?

In mainstream media, ideas around sexuality tend to be polarised into what’s acceptable and what’s weird, but we all know our kinky inclinations are more complicated than that. We explore what sex-positive kink and being kink positive look like.
 

The kink positive movement means different things to different people, but at its heart is the idea that as long as it’s healthy and everyone’s willing, then all sex is a positive force. Sex-positive is often interpreted as having more sex, but that’s a misconception - it’s about enthusiastically agreeing to the kind of sex you want and accepting that same philosophy when it comes to other people.

The kink positive community

S&M is a sex-positive kink as well as a BDSM-positive subculture. It tries to challenge oppressive ideas about lust by encouraging open, honest, consensual practices. Lots of us in the fetish community identify as sex-positive, but how does this translate into the way we treat our partners and other kinky people? No one has to conform to other people’s idea of ‘normal’ sexuality, and it can take a while to accept fetishes, in ourselves or others, but it’s empowering to understand them.

Listen to people around you

Being part of a social movement is a responsibility. The way we treat each other will dictate whether we are taken seriously outside of our kink positive bubble. Listening to people who have a different take on things is essential. Slut-shaming degrades women and makes an active sex life seem like a bad thing.

Moreover, name-calling and revenge porn sites are yet another way of oppressing personal freedoms and controlling pleasurable behaviour. As a result, some women have chosen to reclaim the word ‘slut’ to signpost a more sexually liberated attitude. For others, it’s a step too far and acknowledging both sides of debates like that is essential.

Be kink positive and realistic

Cultural notions of attractiveness for both men and women are often informed by porn, where flawless, well-lit bodies perform acts that make sex seem massively glamorous. It can be a fun way to waste a few hours but don’t compare it to pleasure-seeking in real life.

At home, we might enjoy the same satisfying position that we know makes us come. In scripted sex, the position changes every few minutes – that’s to keep viewers interested. Watching porn can lead to feelings of inadequacy about what we do in bed or what we look like, and that way, madness lies. Exploration heightens the senses, but if you and your partner are enjoying sex together and you’re both happy afterwards, you’re doing it right.

Being kink positive means being respectful of others. Image: BillyBootz via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license

Kink positive means respecting difference

In clubs, online dating pages, chat sites, and at munches, the BDSM community strives to be inclusive of every type of fetish. There’s a healthy disregard for the conventions of sexuality and that tolerance is extremely cool. We don’t police each other’s bodies or fetishes because we’re comfortable amongst difference.

That’s not to say going to play parties or BDSM nights means anything goes - for either gender. Negotiation is a massive part of the sadomasochistic lifestyle. We don’t take anyone for granted, and the kink positive community is seriously into mutual respect.
 

Saying no is fine

Sex drives vary from person to person, and that’s why bondage clubs allow bystanders to be part of the night. Watching people have kinky sex can be arousing and beautiful, but not everyone wants to join in with the physical side. They may be nervous. And still coming to terms with their sexuality or simply un-aroused and prefer to be alone. Interaction between watchers and players happens often. When we talk about owning our desires, it’s important to remember that an absence of desire is ok too.
 

Accept that intimacy is a work in progress

Finding out what turns you on and makes you feel connected is the most direct route to a kink positive sex life, but it can take a while. Even in the rarefied surroundings of the bondage community, sex can be draining, intense or unsatisfactory from time to time.

Opening up to a partner about deep or maybe long hidden fantasies can increase feelings of vulnerability. But once you’ve started pushing on that door, it becomes easier. A sex-positive partner will accept, respect and affirm your passions, but ultimately it’s only you who can decide what rocks your world.
 

What does being kink positive mean to you? Did you learn something new about sex positivity? Share your thoughts in the Fetish.com forum.

Cover image: Noise and Color PDX via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license