Five Body-Positive Tips for Building Self-Esteem

Ever feel down when looking at fetish images of slim models wrapped in beautiful shibari? Tired of only seeing perfect porn stars with peachy bottoms and tiny waists? Stop! Kink is body-positive and for everyone, no matter your size or shape. Victoria Blisse shares her experiences and body-positive tips for overcoming body image issues and building self-esteem.

Being BBW (and not body-positive)

I've always been fat. That word is a descriptor; it's not an insult. I used to take it as such, but growing up has shown me that it's the same as calling someone tall or skinny; labels can be used positively or negatively. Call me what you will, BBW, plus-size, curvy; they're all positive things to me now, although that wasn't always the case.

Growing up, I hated my body. That seriously put a dent in my self-esteem. For every compliment I got on how I looked, I was able to twist it into an insult. Catcalling by a stranger or a group of guys didn't help with my self-esteem either. Even after meeting my husband and confirming that he found me sexy, I still had minimal self-confidence. It was hard to believe I could ever be attractive.

Adverts permeate our day-to-day life, so even if you avoid magazines and newspapers like me, you still see idealized images on TV, posters, and on the sides of buses. We are surrounded by Photoshopped images that pressure us into believing we need to purchase this scent or that designer outfit to become attractive. I say hell to that. You are beautiful exactly as you are.

Plus-size, kinky, loud, and proud!

How kink helped me build self-esteem and be body-positive

It was stepping into the kink and fetish world that helped me build self-esteem. I don't think I've ever experienced such a body-positive community before. Participating in large-scale erotic markets and fetish fairs revealed that people of all shapes and sizes confidently wore whatever they damn well wanted. Plus-size latex, for example, was a real eye-opener - I didn't realize it existed.

I was still quite reserved initially, and it took a long while to wear more revealing clothes. Over time I received more body-positive compliments, and my confidence grew. I then realized that I could wear whatever made me happy, and by doing so, I shone with self-confidence. When you believe in yourself, you're comfortable in your skin and clothing - other people see that and react in kind. That's the key, you know.

Check out our article 'How to Look Incredible in Plus-Size Fetish Wear'

We all have parts of ourselves that we're not fans of. For me, it's my back because I have a few rolls. I've found that my pride in taking a beating which results in pretty marks, totally trumps any worries about my body. And in confidently displaying my body covered in spanking marks, I've realized that I'm a beautiful canvas to start with.

At my first kink play event, I was still quite reserved and marveled at the plus-size women's confidence wandering around topless or even nude in some cases. It took me a while to be as free and easy myself. What helped me was having marks to show off. I eagerly wanted to show off my bottom covered in cane marks and bruises, and soon I was even showing off my back.

"It might not happen overnight, but I’m confident that you can boost your self-esteem and confidence because if I’ve managed it, anyone can do it!" - Victoria Blisse.

Tips for being body-positive and building self-esteem

Here are my five top body-positive tips for building self-esteem within the kink community.

Look at the people at kink events. I don't mean to stare open-mouthed (that's a bit rude) but notice all the different body shapes around you. Remember, we're all diverse but beautiful in our unique way.
Show a little bit more. You don’t have to throw all your clothes off immediately, but maybe show off some slinky, sexy lingerie or wear that strapless dress to the next play event you attend.
Compliment others. Have you heard the saying 'you get back what you give'? Well, when you see something you love, let that person know. It can be as simple as telling someone you like their earrings or corset, but by giving out positivity, you invite it back to you.
Compliment yourself. Once you’re used to giving out positivity to others, try it with yourself. Look in the mirror and be kind with your comments. Compliment your good bits and be gentle with the other parts that are harder to love. Each little bit makes up part of sexy you!
Peacock those marks! Show off your bruises, share photos of the wax play art on your back, embrace your sexy kinkiness and share it with your fetish friends.

Victoria Blisse was an erotic author and sex-positive Reverend. She helped shape fetish.com and FET from the very beginning and we're eternally grateful for her passion and creativity. Sadly, she passed away in January 2024. We hope that whenever her articles are read, she'll be honored.

Got body-positive tips to help build self-esteem? Sharing is caring kinksters; head to the Fetish.com forum or drop a comment below this article. Everyone is beautiful here!