A BDSM collar is the symbol of submissiveness out in the mainstream world, but there are many other ways to bear someone’s mark. If you and your partner(s) are thinking about getting something concrete to symbolise who or what you are to each other, Cameryn Moore talks with other kinksters to see Read more… what symbols of connection they bear and why.
BDSM collars, bondage cuffs & kink symbols: Love marks
Hickeys, bites, and bruises or welts gotten from consensual impact play have to come at the top of this list. Hickeys especially are often written off as juvenile, but when enacted consensually, such marks can be an excellent temporary way to experiment with carrying a visible sign of power exchange on your body. “I like looking at them and being reminded of how someone played with me,” says Twitter friend Beccibeyond.
Bear in mind, though, that what feels glorious and self-affirming to you may cause concern among non-kink observers. Hickeys are generally okay, but save the bruises for places not readily visible, unless you’re already out to everyone in your life as a bruise-begging little bottom.
BDSM collars, bondage cuffs & kink symbols: Collars
BDSM Collars can be anything from light, belt-buckle-style straps to pragmatic leather structures with plenty of functional O-rings, from cruel spiky posture correctors to complicated steel devices that lock up tight. Your choice is really about the function you want your BDSM collar to have. Only the submissive can say what makes them feel “owned,” whether that’s something close-fitting or metal or very customised and unique. If use during physical play is the real object, and the person wearing the BDSM collar needs to be easily tugged around or chained into place, then the O-ring options are a good way to go.
“I often wear a collar when playing because I like the control it gives my partner,” says Beccibeyond, “and the physical restriction is a nice reminder of my submission.” They put a choker on themselves when heading over to Dom play partners to help remind them of the fun times ahead.Customise your BDSM collar for whatever play you're into.
BDSM collars, bondage cuffs & kink symbols: Cuffs
Cuffs are another wearable item that can be very practical as well as symbolic. Fashion being what it is these days, you can get away with some very sturdy and functional cuffs out on High Street. If that’s not your aesthetic, some very slim-line “bracelets” sold through BDSM shops will match most looks, yet still, O-rings and rivets are needed for more robust use. You can also have different sets of cuffs or collars, one for out in public and one to switch into for specifically kink play time. Bear in mind, too, that cuffs and collars co-exist on a spectrum with jewellery, and even a simple charm on a bracelet can carry enormous symbolic weight.
I wear a braided leather bracelet that my partner and I picked out together. I tend to take it off when I’m at home, because I don’t want to get it wet while washing dishes or taking a shower, but I always make sure to put it back on before I go outside. No one seeing it is going to think, ah-HA, someone OWNS her! But it reminds me, which is the point.Cuffs can be practical as well as symbolic.
BDSM collars, bondage cuffs & kink symbols: Chastity belts
Other wearables like chastity belts aren’t visible in a non-kink environment, but that doesn’t make them less powerful, either for the person wearing them or for the person holding the key. Jay, a submissive cuckold from Sussex, wears a chastity cage 24/7. “It isn’t something I can forget about wearing,” he says. “It leaves my Mistress constantly on my mind. I feel more devoted to her and always very close emotionally. It has strengthened my love for Her.”
For something this dramatic, Jay recommends letting the exact form and ritual emerge organically, that both parties are fully on board with. “It should be an extension of your relationship,” says Jay. “You should have a good bond before taking such steps.”
BDSM collars, bondage cuffs & kink symbols: Tattoos
Finally, tattoos are the most literal connection mark that you can take with your partner. Body modification is a big step, but if you have talked long and hard about it and feel strongly about making the mark, find yourself a good artist, preferably one who is kink-friendly, and think about it.
Paula, a bondage and latex fetishist from Germany, recommends testing out designs if you can, to see if you like it all the time. Her tattoo is not a show of submission, merely a strong symbol between her and her long-term partner.
“We both like it, we both know the relevance, and what’s the signature connection in mind. It sounds not so dramatic, but it has been a part of the partnership the whole time.”
The truth is, even a plastic ring out of a gum-ball machine can stand for something significant and meaningful if both parties are into it. If you feel that you want to wear something that makes your connection more clear either to yourselves or others, or both, bring it up with your partner and you both get to decide on the symbol that works for you.
Cameryn Moore is an award-winning playwright/performer, sex activist and educator, sidewalk pornographer, and a long-time (former) phone sex operator.
Like these symbols of kink connection? Got any more to add? Leave a comment below or kick-off a thread in the forum!Images: lust4lthr Flickr Creative Commons and Shutterstock