Mixing vanilla & kink well

[CopperKnob]

I think its about what you place more importance on having, the relationship or the kink?
I definitely have more contact from those who are more interested in kink here but then its a kink site. Is it frustrating? Absolutely, but there are a few who will say they want a relationship with someone whose also kinky, the difficulty then comes when you have a spark with someone and the kinks don't match so it again comes down to the importance or value you attribute to each aspect.
Good luck to all looking regardlees of what it is you want from this site

[DarkArts1066]

NessusIssues, what you want is totally achievable. The key is to be totally upfront and honest with any prospective partner, right from the get-go. I have had a relationship such as you describe myself. Externally, and most of the time, completely vanilla to all and sundry watching on, but at times full on kink. We had a Dom/sub relationship, which we switched on and off depending on environment. Some days - or weeks, it just wasn’t viable - like when we had builders in to extend my house. At other times, it was 24/7. It can be done.

[Winston60]

For me, the two are inextricably linked. I couldn't have one without the other.

[Ae****]

Perhaps you're subconsciously putting out signals that attract people who aren't into vanilla relationships at the point in their lives at which you meet them, and simultaneously you're actually subconsciously attracted to such people, despite your conscious desire for a person who actually would like a vanilla relationship. Regarding the site, if it's something you want, I think it's likely there are some others on the site who also would like it.

[Silenthunter]

Unless you are living in a dream world ( not youbyou, i mean people in general) there has to be shopping, and family times, so if thats not what they are into, then its usually a red flag, as tgey just want sex and nothing more.

[Deleted Member]

I had tried to find this for a long time… ended up making a firm decision that I no longer wanted FWB but also didn’t want wedding bells… also decided that, as much as the kink worked for me, I really missed having a significant other in my life. I went to a “vanilla” website and met a guy who was lovely and sweet. After a few dates I mentioned some of my “kinks” and his face lit up…. He’s been in relationships with no kink but he wanted to explore… so we seem to have found the perfect balance of both worlds. You’re not in the “wrong” place… it takes time and patience. Good luck… you’re person is out there waiting for you

[Deleted Member]

Your not you’re 🙈

[sm****]

You will be amazed at how many on vanilla dating sites are in to kink but not the 24/7.   Plus how many you meet in vanilla social life if you drop the right code words in while having a laugh. 

I find that on kink sites most people don't look past the kink side of things.  We get fixated on our kinks and forget we need solid foundations to build on if we want a committed r/l relationship to stand the test of time.  This should always include the mundane things we do daily, things we do to relax and chill....also we have daily responsibilities in the world, be it family, work socialising etc.

Over many years iv'e seen and heard "can't we just sit and cuddle watch a film etc" while the other is wanting their kink fix, taking a huff, calling them fake etc, and not actually thinking of their partners needs or communicating.

I always meet up several times before attempting to play, to sus is this a person i want to form a relationship with, and not through kink tinted glasses.

[Leisa]

I don’t think you’re on the wrong site. There are plenty of couples who have kink behind closed doors and “normal” outside in public. A lot of it depends on what you term as normal. We all have to live in society and I doubt that there are many who live kink outside of the doors. Personally I’m in a very conservative career which kink could ruin if it got out. If someone asks me I don’t deny it but I look and act perfectly “vanilla”. I’m using quotation marks to draw attention to phrasing that’s subjective. One person normal is another persons kink.

[Th****]

I think the problem is that kink and D/s easy compared to being a good friend and having a well balanced relationship as well.

So guess what, a lot of people go straight at the their goal.. Kink.

It is incredibly short-term, and you can't run a well rounded relationship off just that.

Now there are times being a friend is hard work, or we watch that film that we are not so keen on, or in my case I go to Harry Potter World.

If you love someone you do those things just to see their face light up and because it makes them happy. That in turn makes us happy.

Just because we do D/s does not mean we have to asshats. Connection, communication and I am not afraid to say it love, make a huge difference.

[Leisa]

8 hours ago, Thebian said:

I think the problem is that kink and D/s easy compared to being a good friend and having a well balanced relationship as well.

So guess what, a lot of people go straight at the their goal.. Kink.

It is incredibly short-term, and you can't run a well rounded relationship off just that.

Now there are times being a friend is hard work, or we watch that film that we are not so keen on, or in my case I go to Harry Potter World.

If you love someone you do those things just to see their face light up and because it makes them happy. That in turn makes us happy.

Just because we do D/s does not mean we have to asshats. Connection, communication and I am not afraid to say it love, make a huge difference.

Well said. Give Sara my love