5 BDSM Lifestyle Tips to Make the Kink Community Amazing
Whether you're a newbie or a seasoned pro in the kink scene, it's always good to check in with how you're interacting with the community. We have some quick BDSM lifestyle tips to keep your kink life SSC and happy!
The freedom to be kinky comes with responsibilities
In a perfect world, I would call my Dominant “Daddy” all the time, tell my vanilla friends that a quick spanking did what my therapist can’t always do, or that yes, my partner is the one in control of our relationship. We don’t live in that world, and when I refer to “freedom” in kink, it’s the inner freedom that occurs when you express your desires or step into a role that makes you feel more yourself. It’s that feeling of, “Oh, this is why I am. I make so much sense.” That moment can change your life - even if no one but you and your partner realises the difference.
Many of us who find fulfilment in the BDSM lifestyle does so after years, maybe even a lifetime, of wondering what’s wrong with us. Why are we different? Why haven’t those other relationships worked out? Why are we so picky, needy, or demanding? Those questions vanish - or are answered for us - once we find BDSM and kink. It’s especially true when we (finally) find ourselves in a relationship that allows us to express who we are, in all our strange, wild, nonconforming beauty. With this particular kind of freedom, in the kink community, comes a certain amount of responsibility to ourselves, our partners, and other kinksters.
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Never stop learning
No kinkster knows everything. Even after 20 years of living the BDSM lifestyle, there are new people to meet, new sex toys to try, and new experiences to have. When you keep yourself open to new information, you can enjoy old kinks in a new way, learn more about yourself, and ultimately be a safer kinkster.
The people in your local or online community change. The munch you attended a year ago isn’t the same one today. That online forum you haunted three years ago will be a much-changed place now. Even if you believe you know all the players and all their kinks or you’ve heard every question that can be asked, someone will surprise you and, hopefully, share something new with you.
Share what you know about the BDSM lifestyle
Maybe you don’t want to go online and write about your experiences as I do. Perhaps the idea of speaking to a group sends you into a cold sweat. You don’t have to talk to big audiences in order to share what you know. The easiest way is to talk to people one on one.
A vanilla partner who wants to try kink may be your first chance to share your BDSM knowledge. After that, it could be the newbie who came to a munch by themselves. Don’t forget your friends who are active (or not) in your kinky community. Since we should always be open to learning new things, be willing to talk to other established kinksters, too. Sometimes it’s not a technique you teach someone but a fresh perspective and a new way to solve an old problem.
Be mindful of the privacy of others in the BDSM lifestyle. Image: torbakhopper via Flickr.com CC BY 2.0 license
Protect other people's privacy
The number one rule of being a kinkster in your local or online community - we don’t out each other. Coming together in public, allowing another kinkster into your life only works because we trust everyone else to maintain our privacy. In return, we do the same for them.
When you come across a kinky person in a vanilla setting, don’t mention their kink unless they do. They’ll make it clear if the person they’re with is “safe.” Some people may pretend not to know you. Let them until you can talk to them in private, maybe the next time you see them at a munch or in the BDSM dungeon. You never know what someone could lose by having their kinky ways outed.
Call out *** and non-consensual acts
From the outside looking in, especially in kink, it’s not always easy to tell if a moment or a relationship is entirely consensual. When you don’t know, ask. If someone tells you they didn’t consent to what was done to them, err on the side of caution and believe them.
Call out *** and make it clear to others in your community it won’t be tolerated. If this person is attending your local functions, talk to the leaders and organisers. Talk to the person who is acting in an irresponsible way. They may be acting from a place of ignorance. Offer to be a safe place for someone who is scared and unsure as they disengage from a bad kinkster or relationship.
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Not everyone in the BDSM lifestyle will be into the same things as you. Image: via Shutterstock.com
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Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay. Some people are into things that make my skin crawl, fetishes that are hard limits I can’t imagine trying. And that’s okay. We don’t have to enjoy the same activities in order for those kinks and fetishes to be legitimate. Before you reject an activity that you don’t like or don’t understand, ask yourself a few questions:
Are the people involved consenting legal adults? Do they appear to be aware of the risks of their activity? Are they playing in a safe way?
The only question that should concern you personally is if one of the players isn’t consenting or isn’t capable of legal consent. If they’re not playing in a safe way, all you can do is try to educate them (in a non-judgemental, non-combative way) so they understand the risks they’re taking. There’s no requirement that they listen to your advice or do what you suggest. Otherwise, leave those kinksters to their play and let them enjoy themselves. You don’t have to like something for it to be a legitimate expression of someone’s desires, fetishes, or BDSM lifestyle.
Heeding the responsibilities of being a kinkster isn’t a requirement. No one will check up on you to make sure you do any of these things. But doing so benefits the entire BDSM community - in person and online. We keep ourselves and everyone else a little safer and help people have a more positive BDSM experience for themselves - in whatever way they choose to express their kinks.
Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life.
Got your own tips for keeping things SSC or following RACK? Any advice for someone new to the BDSM lifestyle? Share your thoughts in the Fetish.com forum.
