Depending on what you do for a living, you may not be able to be open about your kinky sex life and fetishes with those around you. This is the case for Brendan, a university professor and submissive with a passion for pegging. NYC-based writer Zoë Tersche spoke with him about keeping his kink in the closet for Fetish.com...


Not many people flaunt their sexual preferences in the office, kinky or not, but does everybody keep theirs in a kinky closet as a secret? 

Brendan is a jazz musician and professor in his late 20s based in NYC. He is also a submissive with a predilection for pegging, and is concerned about his sexual identity leaking out of the bedroom.
 

How long have you known this is a part of you?
 

To a certain extent I'd say since 16. But those were just little things. It was really during college and especially when I was in grad school. I think it was always there, it just took a while to find out.

I am a submissive, but I'm also a musician and have a masters degree, and want to eventually continue my education, so I'm really not open about it. Sadly, most of society wouldn't understand.
 

At what point do you remember starting to feel trepidation, or conflict between your work and personal life?
 

Immediately. I figured what I was into wouldn't be accepted. The big thing was pegging, and I already knew the stigma society held for that: if you're into pegging, you're gay. And there's nothing wrong with being gay. But there's this negative connotation that comes with [pegging] that can make it difficult to get a job.
 

Do you ever worry about something accidentally showing up on your phone while you're at work? Or about marks on your body that might out you from your kinky closet?


Oh god, yes. When I taught classes during grad school I would have my iPhone or my computer hooked up to the PowerPoint and stuff. Before I went to class I always made sure every window was closed out. If I was using my phone all my texts were turned off. But there was still always that fear that something I browsed would show up.

There's a good group of jazz musicians, not all of them, who are kind of conservative, very much Christian. But even the ones who are very liberal... I don't think they'd understand. And especially because they're my coworkers and my friends.

Everyone says the arts are so liberal, but it gets to a point where it's a profession. You're making money doing it, so you can never be too cautious.
 

What are some things you're concerned with coming out of the kinky closet around other musicians. Has one of your dominant girlfriends ever sat in the audience of your shows?


Oh yeah, but I was really trusting of her. That side of me is only in the bedroom, so we could easily disassociate ourselves from that. We kind of had this thing between us that no one ever knew.

We met on FetLife. We were both chatting in one of the group threads and I sent her a message saying, “you seem really intelligent.”

There aren't that many people I get to talk to around my age who are into that. I had been with a couple [dominant] people before but I really wanted to try it in a relationship. We weren't really compatible in that regard, and I don't know if I'm ever going to have another girlfriend who's into stuff like that.

I don't want to be open about it because I'm worried about it affecting my professional world, but maybe by not being open about, I'll never know if that woman's out there.
 

How do you find people to go on dates with?


My last girlfriend was a bartender at a place where I played a lot. But she ended up being very submissive. I can be kind of a switch too; for me it's kind of service-oriented. If it makes them happy, fine, I'll do whatever they want because I want to please my partner. I just didn't feel comfortable slapping her, and she really wanted it.

I'm kind of afraid that because I'm so in the kinky closet, I'm going to be in a relationship that's pretty much perfect for my life, with kids, children and all that, and not sexually compatible with that person.

It's not the biggest concern for me, but even if I had a girlfriend, or a wife, who was into pegging for my sake, if it didn't make them happy, I wouldn't want to do it.

The way that I am as a submissive is being really concerned about pleasing someone else. I really want to make sure that they're getting pleasure out of it. I'm 26 now and I really do want to eventually settle down.

 

If you wanna know more about Brendan and his sexual antics, check out his kinky story. Are you in the closet about your fetish sex life? Who do you talk with about it? Let us know below... And, if you're not already a member of Fetish.com, sign up below for free BDSM dating, Forum chat, and all the latest fetish news from our sex positive, kinky community.

Photo: Anthony Easton
 

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