What makes a good Female Dominant

[TemptressM]

There is a reason behind me asking this,  I will be moving abck to the Uk soon and I am hoping to offer help and get into the kink lifestyle as much as I can.  I also have two of my pets around Newcastle and they also want to help too. 

[Brittone2]

Is there any chance I might be able to apply for any positions you may have available please 

temptress

[TemptressM]

7 minutes ago, Brittone2 said:

Is there any chance I might be able to apply for any positions you may have available please 

temptress

Its not a job,  its about helping out.   There are no positions to fill

Edited April 18, 2020 by TemptressM
spelling mistake

[Brittone2]

Okay,hope you didn't mind me asking..

i appreciate you replying

[Ky****]

14 hours ago, TemptressM said:

There is a reason behind me asking this,  I will be moving abck to the Uk soon and I am hoping to offer help and get into the kink lifestyle as much as I can.  I also have two of my pets around Newcastle and they also want to help too. 

Mistress, if I may be forgiven for presuming to call you that, TemptressM looks like Chile's loss will be the UK's gain, the care you are showing by starting this thread gives me hope that you will assist in increasing the skills by mentoring would be dominatrixes over here, we can never have too many

[TemptressM]

I have a lot of friends back in the UK and the problem I always hear is that there is nothing for beginners whether Dominant or submissive.  I of course am not saying that there is anything bad in what is around but I just feel if you can reach your hand out to help even just a little it can make a big difference.

[ey****]

26 minutes ago, TemptressM said:

I have a lot of friends back in the UK and the problem I always hear is that there is nothing for beginners whether Dominant or submissive.  I of course am not saying that there is anything bad in what is around but I just feel if you can reach your hand out to help even just a little it can make a big difference.

I feel a lot is regional at times

I have been to a number of workshops locally - but, nobody has been running any recently.  One event does have a discussion group rather than any form of demos (though, I think there's value in discussion groups also) 

I met someone who became a very good friend of mine at a workshop in London, they were running both an afternoon workshop event and a pre-club set of workshops - but there was a lot of variance on numbers.

I've been to demos over in the North-West with Miss T (who used to be active on this forum but not so much now) and there's a bigger event of talks and workshops in Birmingham

There'll be others here and there

One of the problems sometimes is the variation of numbers with some under attended because folk "feel they know it" and often a little criticism at times that these are pretty much *always* for beginners and there's very rarely any form of intermediary or further things.   But, then, I guess - folk don't attend because they think it's too advance for them or that they already know it.

You can host a workshop, but you can't *** people to attend.

[TemptressM]

5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

You can host a workshop, but you can't *** people to attend.

This is very true.  I will not know exactly what is going to be around me till I get back because I am going by what others have been telling me.  I hope to be able to go to munches,  demos and anything else that is around myself to always keep learning 

[Ky****]

11 hours ago, TemptressM said:

I have a lot of friends back in the UK and the problem I always hear is that there is nothing for beginners whether Dominant or submissive.  I of course am not saying that there is anything bad in what is around but I just feel if you can reach your hand out to help even just a little it can make a big difference.

probably less true for subs, at least in terms of limits, places that have events rarely insist that a sub needs to be experienced enough to take 100 strokes of the cane or 500 of the paddle or so forth before entering.  But for D yes it seems to be.  Which is probably a problem since someone has to learn how to safely tie, cane etc.

The one aspect where it is problematic for both is developing the confidence to go further, the point at which you say yes I'm ready to go there and bare my bottom for a public spanking, or in the case of a D yes I'm good enough to do that. It must always be harder for the D because they are the ones with the whip hand so must have really acquired the skill, as well as the confidence, to play safely.

I suppose I'm thinking of something along the lines of inviting someone to demonstrate their technique on an inanimate object, b4 telling them ok you're ready, try this one stroke at a time on this sub, if the technique is good the novice D is invited to continue under supervision, if not they are advised to keep practicing on inanimate things.  The only downside to this as a sub is that we would have to give feedback after every stroke which means we cannot be gagged, something I love when being punished.  However, in terms of sacrifices for the common good that's a tiny one to make

[Wo****]

34 minutes ago, Kymi said:

probably less true for subs, at least in terms of limits, places that have events rarely insist that a sub needs to be experienced enough to take 100 strokes of the cane or 500 of the paddle or so forth before entering.  But for D yes it seems to be.  Which is probably a problem since someone has to learn how to safely tie, cane etc.

The one aspect where it is problematic for both is developing the confidence to go further, the point at which you say yes I'm ready to go there and bare my bottom for a public spanking, or in the case of a D yes I'm good enough to do that. It must always be harder for the D because they are the ones with the whip hand so must have really acquired the skill, as well as the confidence, to play safely.

I suppose I'm thinking of something along the lines of inviting someone to demonstrate their technique on an inanimate object, b4 telling them ok you're ready, try this one stroke at a time on this sub, if the technique is good the novice D is invited to continue under supervision, if not they are advised to keep practicing on inanimate things.  The only downside to this as a sub is that we would have to give feedback after every stroke which means we cannot be gagged, something I love when being punished.  However, in terms of sacrifices for the common good that's a tiny one to make

Pirate and I do demos at the club we go to. They go down really well, a fair few watch and a lot of questions get asked.

Pirate explains about consent, how we've built up to the stage we're at. He tells them areas of impact, what he uses where and why.

Anyone who wants to try with any of the impact toys on me, he will consider their motivation, their attitude, everything before he allows anyone to try anything out on me. To date, he has never yet allowed anyone else to use a whip on me (which seems to be what most guys wanna do) as we both believe it's too risky to have his sort of whips in inexperienced hands.

I absolutely love doing our demos, not just because it's always a good session but because people learn stuff (me included)

Potential Doms need practice, as a submissive with a high tolerance for ***, I'm a good subject for target practice and pirate being a confident, pretty knowledgeable Dominant is a good mentor.

 

We need more mentors!

[Ky****]

@LazyPiratesBounty my thoughts exactly, as another submissive with a high tolerance for ***, I'm hoping once this is over to get to more places where I can also become a good subject for target practice, will need to hook up with a D who wants to mentor other Ds though, plenty of time I think, if pubs aren't opening pre Xmas can't see our sort of venues doing so either

oh and surprised men want to whip you, round here its usually the cane, must be a regional thing

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Kymi said:

probably less true for subs, at least in terms of limits, places that have events rarely insist that a sub needs to be experienced enough to take 100 strokes of the cane or 500 of the paddle or so forth before entering.  But for D yes it seems to be.  Which is probably a problem since someone has to learn how to safely tie, cane etc.

I've never seen events require minimum levels of experience for anyone as such.

 

[Ky****]

2 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I've never seen events require minimum levels of experience for anyone as such.

 

not to attend no, what I was referring to was the minimum level of experience/competence for someone to safely cane, whip, tie etc. so it does apply to an extent to Ds.  Although sometimes I think subs should be asked the same question in order to protect themselves and the Ds.  OK its your first event, right we'll try you with the flogger first and maybe a paddle, then se if you can take cane/bull whip

[ey****]

oh, ok - I think it's only bad Dominants that DON'T ask these of subs.  

[Ky****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

oh, ok - I think it's only bad Dominants that DON'T ask these of subs.  

can't think of a pro-D who wouldn't, 'relationship' wise its been fairly rare, but then even after all these years I'm still looking to learn how to spot the difference between real and bad dominant, other than an online out of the blue demand for payment.  not sure about what happens at events since not enough experience to judge that

[TemptressM]

2 hours ago, Kymi said:

can't think of a pro-D who wouldn't, 'relationship' wise its been fairly rare, but then even after all these years I'm still looking to learn how to spot the difference between real and bad dominant, other than an online out of the blue demand for payment.  not sure about what happens at events since not enough experience to judge that

You get to know this by getting to know the person first and not the Dominant,  there has to be open communication between both players.  I get to know my subs first before any play happens what so ever  that is what helps to build trust

[TemptressM]

5 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Anyone who wants to try with any of the impact toys on me, he will consider their motivation, their attitude, everything before he allows anyone to try anything out on me. To date, he has never yet allowed anyone else to use a whip on me (which seems to be what most guys wanna do) as we both believe it's too risky to have his sort of whips in inexperienced hands.

This is the testiment of a True and good Dominant. 

[Ky****]

1 minute ago, TemptressM said:

You get to know this by getting to know the person first and not the Dominant,  there has to be open communication between both players.  I get to know my subs first before any play happens what so ever  that is what helps to build trust

oh I see that now, this is a good site for learning things like that

[Brittone2]

From my experience with different mistresses.I have found that the best ones are intelligent ,

sexy,funny,non judgemental and have solid values.There are a couple that have made comments on this post for example.

[Ky****]

one thing I've not seen mentioned is the question of previous sub experience.  I've noticed over the years how many proDommes advertised that having spent x years as a proSub gives them an advantage.  I've never been convinced but are there are Dommes who'd agree with that wrt a Ds relationship is concerned? ps Kymi is not asking this on behalf of FabS its just something that's popped into her bubblegum pink haired head

[ey****]

56 minutes ago, Kymi said:

one thing I've not seen mentioned is the question of previous sub experience.  I've noticed over the years how many proDommes advertised that having spent x years as a proSub gives them an advantage.  I've never been convinced but are there are Dommes who'd agree with that wrt a Ds relationship is concerned? ps Kymi is not asking this on behalf of FabS its just something that's popped into her bubblegum pink haired head

Thinking my way around the UK I can think of very few ProDommes who are/were ProSubs.   Mind, I can think of a few more who I either know, or probably were/are, subs in a private life. Some of which are open about this, some of which are not.

Something this ties in with is how questioned a lot of women are about their experience and background compared to men.   That, for example, a Lady who has previously subbed now presenting as Domme will often be attacked as "you're a sub really" or have their experience questioned - so - some Pros counterstrike this by saying their experience as a sub in someway helps them.

Which, to a degree, I mean - knowing how certain experiences make you feel can help know how others would feel in that situation - and there's been stuff I've learnt this way.   But, I also don't feel you have had to experienced both sides in order to get empathy and understanding.

[Ky****]

@eyemblacksheep that's strange, the ones I've known have all done so.  But I was thinking more of how many thought this was a good training, which to be fair you've commented on and also given a very good reason why Ladies might not wish to comment on this, but then I've never heard of them being called sub really

[ey****]

9 minutes ago, Kymi said:

@eyemblacksheep that's strange, the ones I've known have all done so.  But I was thinking more of how many thought this was a good training, which to be fair you've commented on and also given a very good reason why Ladies might not wish to comment on this, but then I've never heard of them being called sub really

I guess there can be stuff regionally, for sure.  

But, for example.  I was in a munch probably a couple of years ago - and one of the other attendees (older male Dominant, been around a while) was saying how Femdom was "all a facade" - he reeled off some of the local Pro Dommes and said how a lot were subs in private life and really it was their male partners pulled their strings - but also made nod to some of the larger events and resources and pointed how they were male run using just pretty ladies as a *** making front.    He, of course, also had some choice words about the male subs who "fall" for this.   Whilst also saying that if a man is dictating to a woman how he wants his fantasies played out, who is really in charge there (a loosely fair point, but that's another story)

Anyway.  I obviously disagree wildly with his comments.  But there are guys like this all around the country who question the integrity, which, in turn, affects how women respond or choose to respond.

But, it's not just guys.  I knew a Mistress who has never and "would never" sub to anyone, but then started naming other Pro ladies as being subs in private life (including one to her, that they largely keep their relationship a secret outside their circle) and some of it - I dunno what the point of that conversation was - but that, yes, women often also judge other women.

So while some might just package up a fantasy - some feel to play all their cards and say "this is me and who I am" so nobody else can.

[Ky****]

@eyemblacksheep ouch, and I don't mean from being caned.  Thinks that chap needs a history lesson, Femdom has been around for as long as recorded history.  OK most ancient societies expected a wife to be submissive to her husband but women owned slaves, including male ones, wonderfully expressed by Aeschylus in his Agamemnon.  Indeed that is the linguistic root of dominant, as Tiberius put it, don't call me dominus if you are a free man  only slaves call him that and the female form was used to mean Lady who owned slaves, from which we get dominatrix.  Would be fun to bundle him into the Tardis to a Roman slave market and see how his hypothesis works in that society.   Kymi's being wicked.

In their case of course the training was being born to it, not that that's an option now, unless your mother is-a common fantasy story theme

[ey****]

another thing to watch for in general is misogyny. There's also other forms of isms also - some of which people reluctantly accept, but...

some subs, or, men masquerading as subs, are into female Domination because they see it as taboo. That they see women as being weaker and/or inferior so see it as "hot" to be "under" someone they actually believe is beneath them.  This can be true of course if also seeking Dominants of different ethnicity - but isn't necessarily true.

So I guess there's also importance for Dominants to be aware of a know the difference (also for subs)