Earning her submission

[Re****]

This way of thinking is what scares the hell out me trying to find an experienced dom. I dont want to just "submit" to the first dom I meet , I dont know him or trust him. What are some ways of finding an experienced dom that isn't just out for there own personal agenda?

[Vi****]

2 hours ago, Rebel9786 said:

This way of thinking is what scares the hell out me trying to find an experienced dom. I dont want to just "submit" to the first dom I meet , I dont know him or trust him. What are some ways of finding an experienced dom that isn't just out for there own personal agenda?

The only way is time. Yo have to build the relationship and decide along the way if he's worth submitting to

[CG****]

2 hours ago, Rebel9786 said:

This way of thinking is what scares the hell out me trying to find an experienced dom. I dont want to just "submit" to the first dom I meet , I dont know him or trust him. What are some ways of finding an experienced dom that isn't just out for there own personal agenda?

Let their actions guide you. If all they seem to act like or want is submission, that isn't a good dom. If all they want is sexual, that isn't a good dom. If they guide you through difficulties, and their actions make you feel supported and show you that they genuinely care, that's a good dom.

Kink can be learned, being an a** is permanent. A good dom admits what they don't know, and is willing to learn with you. A bad dom insists they lnow everything to begin with, and won't be *** or admit faults.

My strongest recommendation, find something you mesh with at a personality level, and if they don't have the experience you want, learn it together.

[Ba****]

2 hours ago, Rebel9786 said:

This way of thinking is what scares the hell out me trying to find an experienced dom. I dont want to just "submit" to the first dom I meet , I dont know him or trust him. What are some ways of finding an experienced dom that isn't just out for there own personal agenda?

Try looking for a open minded and honest one instead

Experienced doesn’t always mean good/ethical

Just make sure not to waste your trust on people who didn’t earn any and you’ll be fine

[Po****]

Good demonstration of why this app may need a dislike button

[Re****]

Thank you so much for the advice, its so nice to get "real" feedback, and to know that you genuine guys are actually on here that care. This gives me hope❤️

[CG****]

14 hours ago, Rebel9786 said:

This way of thinking is what scares the hell out me trying to find an experienced dom. I dont want to just "submit" to the first dom I meet , I dont know him or trust him. What are some ways of finding an experienced dom that isn't just out for there own personal agenda?

One additional note, please please please be careful of Doms that volunteer to be "your dom" without a vetting process. Your profile says "inexperienced sub" seeking "experienced dom" and while there is something to be said for that goal, it will invite more predatory Doms than positive ones. It may be very hard to weed out. In my eyes being a dom requires more trust than being a bf/gf. So be very very careful, especially with people you are getting to know anonymously.

[Ry****]

This is a terrible view on it. The point is there is consent between parties. You are only a Dom in as far as you respect your subs boundaries. I feel bad for any woman who has you as their, "Dom". Grow up. Learn what kink actually is before you claim to partake in it.

[Deleted Member]

There are plenty of "doms" who live in a fantasy land and have no idea how to communicate, what is aftercare etc etc etc. Just cos a man said he is a dom doesn't mean I'm a sub to any man and it sounds like ure one of those who would expect it. I feel sorry for any woman who gets you. Go educate yourself.

[Bi****]

I think there’s a little more nuance to it than that.

Submission is something that’s freely given, not something that can be demanded from either side. In my experience, the healthiest dynamics tend to come from mutual respect, communication, and trust that develops over time. Some people feel an immediate pull toward a Dom, while others need to see consistency, care, and understanding of their boundaries before they feel comfortable offering that level of vulnerability.

Neither approach is necessarily “fake” — it’s just different people navigating power exchange in ways that feel safe and authentic to them.

At the end of the day, I think the real key is consent and compatibility. If two people communicate clearly about their expectations and desires, the dynamic can develop naturally in whatever way works best for them.

[Mi****]

It depends. I’m a brat, sometimes I like to be f@rced into submission. I like to poke the bear to see if he means business. I like to be punished and to see if he will step up. I feel like most people that say they are doms are actually hard tops.

[Da****]

I don’t reward bad behavior, if you give me submission give it freely because you like or respect me. Submissives are supposed to act like it in my mind.

[ch****]

You must ABSOLUTELY earn their submission. Just because you identify as dominant doesn't make you worth submitting to. Prove yourself and EARN it or you're just a narcissistic perv in my book.

[Qu****]

If I don’t trust you, I’m definitely not submitting to you. Why would I be *** with somebody who hasn’t shown respect my limits and genuinely keeps my best interest at heart. If you expect it without any investment, then you’re not a Dom you’re an a**hole.

[su****]

My opinion is that it is a two-way street. You have to make the woman feel loved and mentally safe in order to be treated with respect. Women are like the moon, they will reflect the light that shines on them.

[Ir****]

March 13, BigPittsburghJock89 said:

I think there’s a little more nuance to it than that.

Submission is something that’s freely given, not something that can be demanded from either side. In my experience, the healthiest dynamics tend to come from mutual respect, communication, and trust that develops over time. Some people feel an immediate pull toward a Dom, while others need to see consistency, care, and understanding of their boundaries before they feel comfortable offering that level of vulnerability.

Neither approach is necessarily “fake” — it’s just different people navigating power exchange in ways that feel safe and authentic to them.

At the end of the day, I think the real key is consent and compatibility. If two people communicate clearly about their expectations and desires, the dynamic can develop naturally in whatever way works best for them.

This might be the best response on any of these posts yet. Well put, my friend.

[Ba****]

As a switch who owns a sub I think people often mistake earning a subs trust and respect for earning their submissions. I do not think submission should be earned.. But total submission should also not be expected from the get go. Trust has to be established and if the respect and connection is there submission will naturally follow.

[Bi****]

Saturday at 02:23 AM, IrishPride9 said:

This might be the best response on any of these posts yet. Well put, my friend.

I thank ya VERY much, brother!

[Ma****]

Personally, I do use the term 'earn', but it's not about me demanding and him acquiescing. You earn my FULL submission by earning my complete trust. I'm not giving away trust blindly because that's how you get hurt, whether it be physically, emotionally, or psychologically. In between meeting and maybe getting to the point of a full dynamic, trust is earned slowly through consistency, communication, transparency, and honesty.

[Wa****]

This topic hits home: recently I had a dom want to play, asked for my real name, I said I was not comfortable giving my real name, and he said that he was ready to teach me but if I couldn’t trust him with something as small as my name, it was not going to work out between us. I felt pressured into giving personal information. I do not know if I did the right thing by telling him I did not trust him enough with that much information. He blocked me. Did I do the right thing?

[Ma****]

43 minutes ago, Wayfindernalamo said:

This topic hits home: recently I had a dom want to play, asked for my real name, I said I was not comfortable giving my real name, and he said that he was ready to teach me but if I couldn’t trust him with something as small as my name, it was not going to work out between us. I felt pressured into giving personal information. I do not know if I did the right thing by telling him I did not trust him enough with that much information. He blocked me. Did I do the right thing?

Personally I agree with him. If you can't trust him with your name, how can you trust him to tie you up and not hurt you in nonconsensual ways. He wasn't asking for your SSN for example. Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm always going to tell someone to be safe. Don't play privately without having a safety net in place. If you do play privately, make sure someone else knows where you are and who you are with. Send them a picture of the person if it makes you feel better. But giving your real name should not be that big of a deal.

As for his reaction of blocking you, I think that's an over reaction. He could have continued talking with you to earn your trust. I've had folks block me for some really dumb reasons IMO.

Personally I don't play privately until trust is earned. If he doesn't want to play at a party where there are safety nets in place, then move on is my opinion. After all I'm the one being bound so I am the one responsible for my safety until such a time as I have a Dom and even then Take care of the property is one of the first rules.

All of this is just MY OPINION. Ultimately I think you have to decide if it was the right thing for you.

[Wa****]

Thank you, Maliria, you are very helpful, i did just need conversation and not an ultimatum, it was pressure within a small time. He blocked me, so i was doing what i needed to do. it would have come up anyway at that very second moment of getting scared. How do other doms let subs process our emotions? or do they? is it allowed?

[Ma****]

28 minutes ago, Wayfindernalamo said:

Thank you, Maliria, you are very helpful, i did just need conversation and not an ultimatum, it was pressure within a small time. He blocked me, so i was doing what i needed to do. it would have come up anyway at that very second moment of getting scared. How do other doms let subs process our emotions? or do they? is it allowed?

I'm not a Dom so I'll let someone else answer that question. For me, I make sure to express my feelings. If I'm scared, I say I'm scared. I'm too old to sugar-coat what I want to say. More often than not, it gives me more emotional *** because others cannot handle the level of honesty I give.

I will say I don't think every Dom will handle it the same way. As for if it's allowed, it must be. You aren't a robot and you have to be allowed to process. That doesn't mean that there won't be parameters in place. For example, some handle *** through anger, but you can bet if you lash out at your Dom there will be consequences.

My best advice is to know yourself. Acknowledge your feelings and express them, but express them in a way that's respectful.

[Ba****]

3 hours ago, Wayfindernalamo said:

Thank you, Maliria, you are very helpful, i did just need conversation and not an ultimatum, it was pressure within a small time. He blocked me, so i was doing what i needed to do. it would have come up anyway at that very second moment of getting scared. How do other doms let subs process our emotions? or do they? is it allowed?

Well i‘ll just throw my opinion as a dom at you
The most common ways to deal with the emotional situation of a sub are patience and support/reassurance, both have pros and cons
Yes, at least the decent ones do
And of corse it’s allowed, it will remain that way until you establish rules that say otherwise and as long as you don’t have personal problems with regulating your emotions i would advise against such rules

Also on the name thing i would just give a first name(maybe even a random one) or a nickname
Full legal names are for at least acquaintances who get along well
So on this one you didn’t dodge the bullet, you made the bullet dodge you

[Wa****]

Thank you Maliria and Barthold, very helpful and encouraging. I am very grateful for the feedback.