Ghosting - Let’s be Open and Honest Instead

[Sw****]

People don't know how to communicate anymore and it's an easy escape unfortunately, I just wish that people (both Doms and subs) will understand that BDSM isn't just to fuck and disappear but to have an actual relationship, even if temporary if agreed on .

[Deleted Member]

i hate ghosting i ve had it a lot more recently by people not just on here but on other dating formats and other social medias. i don't get it to me it's very rude, if they are not interested then they should say so. it is starting to get to me and it's a horrible feeling. i usually get i dont have time to reply which utter BS, i have a very demanding and busy job and yet i have a couple of seconds to reply there isn't for me an excuse

[ge****]

2 hours ago, YorkshireBiker said:

I get the feeling, like in most conversations around this type of subject, is the root problem is the behaviour of some men.

I’m glad this came up as it was something I was going to mention, I’ve had a few conversations with different people that I haven’t messages for a while - they were just general chit chat and the conversation just seemed to come to end but I’d hate to think the person thought I was ‘ghosting’ them. 

Being honest I think most reasonable people can tell the difference between ghosting and conversations ending naturally.
.
In fact I'd venture that the majority of the time even from those claiming "ghosting" it's just that, or as my second point suggested people becoming too invested and reading more into idle chit chat than there actually is.

[ge****]

36 minutes ago, DaddyDomAlex31 said:

i hate ghosting i ve had it a lot more recently by people not just on here but on other dating formats and other social medias. i don't get it to me it's very rude, if they are not interested then they should say so. it is starting to get to me and it's a horrible feeling. i usually get i dont have time to reply which utter BS, i have a very demanding and busy job and yet i have a couple of seconds to reply there isn't for me an excuse

But someone not replying to a message is *NOT* ghosting - certainly not if it's an initial message or even after a number of messages where no "relationship" has been established as such.
.
Regardless though, someone not replying to an initial message from someone they're not interested in is not rude, nor should you let it get to you - in fact it's arguable that it's rude to *expect* a response when you've never interacted with that person before.
.
There are many valid reasons people don't reply to messages - one of them being the potential for *** if they reply saying "no thanks, not interested" - which I know you'll say you wouldn't do, but the recipient doesn't know that. Another reason is if the person replies it then opens a lock around filters that may be put in place in future or as a result of not replying (you can't send the same person a further message for a period of time if they've not replied).
.
The best thing you can do when sending a message is forget you sent it and accept that it may not get a reply, or that no response is a perfectly acceptable way of saying "No thanks"

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, SweetBabyGirl93 said:

People don't know how to communicate anymore and it's an easy escape unfortunately, I just wish that people (both Doms and subs) will understand that BDSM isn't just to fuck and disappear but to have an actual relationship, even if temporary if agreed on .

Absolutely true. In this lifestyle it requires MORE honesty and MORE communication. How can we claim to be a safe space but then act like all the other sites and people around?
This was hoping to be more of a call to action on our part…
We should know better

[sardonicus87]

I'd also like to point out, the people who have a problem with being ghosted are overwhelmingly male. At least, based on those that are responding.
.
It's also telling that many women have also mentioned that more often than not, people can't take "no' for an answer.
.
Do they know that you won't be a jerk if they say no or that they're done without giving you a chance? No, they don't. However, if 7/10 people in a group do respond with hostility, then statistically, you could be a jerk. Why would they take a 1 in 10 or whatever chance that you won't be an asshole? I wouldn't.
.
Guys, we have to do better as a whole. And yes, I do know women can be abusive too, but come on, the situation here is pretty clear with online stuff: way too many fragile men. I understand frustration, I have NEVER gotten a date from OLD of any kind in over 15 years of using it (anyone I ever dated, I met in person). Literally never met anyone ever, rarely had messages returned, no matches, etc from OLD. Even I get on here, use points for premium, the only people who have spanked my profile are men/couples who can't read, and women who were banned for violating the rules (scammers, spammers, fakes, etc). So, not even one match from any real women. But, I also live in a very rural area in the Bible Belt.
.
It's frustrating as hell, but it's our fault women refuse to use online stuff to the point that men on any given site outnumber women so much, among any other problems you read about with OLD.
.
The writing is pretty much on the wall with this one. Suck it up, buttercup. We live in a world of violent and abusive f***bois. You're just going to have to be more understanding and stop being so desperate and pinning all your hopes on other people.
.
If "a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch", what happens when over half the apples are bad? Exactly.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, DaddyDomAlex31 said:

i hate ghosting i ve had it a lot more recently by people not just on here but on other dating formats and other social medias. i don't get it to me it's very rude, if they are not interested then they should say so. it is starting to get to me and it's a horrible feeling. i usually get i dont have time to reply which utter BS, i have a very demanding and busy job and yet i have a couple of seconds to reply there isn't for me an excuse

Do what I do and just block them.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

But someone not replying to a message is *NOT* ghosting - certainly not if it's an initial message or even after a number of messages where no "relationship" has been established as such.
.
Regardless though, someone not replying to an initial message from someone they're not interested in is not rude, nor should you let it get to you - in fact it's arguable that it's rude to *expect* a response when you've never interacted with that person before.
.
There are many valid reasons people don't reply to messages - one of them being the potential for *** if they reply saying "no thanks, not interested" - which I know you'll say you wouldn't do, but the recipient doesn't know that. Another reason is if the person replies it then opens a lock around filters that may be put in place in future or as a result of not replying (you can't send the same person a further message for a period of time if they've not replied).
.
The best thing you can do when sending a message is forget you sent it and accept that it may not get a reply, or that no response is a perfectly acceptable way of saying "No thanks"

Except the fact that this site gives you a thanks but no thanks button. I mean how hard is that to use? The reality is most show no respect for others time if they aren’t getting something outta the deal.
Just think it’s a little ridiculous in a lifestyle where we preach being open and honest that we would be so careless as to possibly trigger others when we just “abandon “ them. I’m simply asking people in the kink community to work to be better, especially knowing most have found their way here through trauma. And while everyone isn’t our responsibility…
If we continue to converse etc, then with each message that responsibility does increase.
And while maybe giving some one a thanks but no thanks may sting a bit in the immediate…it’s better than leaving someone to wonder

[ge****]

45 minutes ago, sardonicus87 said:

I'd also like to point out, the people who have a problem with being ghosted are overwhelmingly male. At least, based on those that are responding.
.
It's also telling that many women have also mentioned that more often than not, people can't take "no' for an answer.
.
Do they know that you won't be a jerk if they say no or that they're done without giving you a chance? No, they don't. However, if 7/10 people in a group do respond with hostility, then statistically, you could be a jerk. Why would they take a 1 in 10 or whatever chance that you won't be an asshole? I wouldn't.
.
Guys, we have to do better as a whole. And yes, I do know women can be abusive too, but come on, the situation here is pretty clear with online stuff: way too many fragile men. I understand frustration, I have NEVER gotten a date from OLD of any kind in over 15 years of using it (anyone I ever dated, I met in person). Literally never met anyone ever, rarely had messages returned, no matches, etc from OLD. Even I get on here, use points for premium, the only people who have spanked my profile are men/couples who can't read, and women who were banned for violating the rules (scammers, spammers, fakes, etc). So, not even one match from any real women. But, I also live in a very rural area in the Bible Belt.
.
It's frustrating as hell, but it's our fault women refuse to use online stuff to the point that men on any given site outnumber women so much, among any other problems you read about with OLD.
.
The writing is pretty much on the wall with this one. Suck it up, buttercup. We live in a world of violent and abusive f***bois. You're just going to have to be more understanding and stop being so desperate and pinning all your hopes on other people.
.
If "a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch", what happens when over half the apples are bad? Exactly.

Hear hear 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Once more for the disbelievers at the back!!

[ke****]

Well was the girl married that ghosted you? What was her situation? Maybe she lost her phone ? I or broken phone ? Or whatever they may been using.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, DaddysHere2please said:

Except the fact that this site gives you a thanks but no thanks button. I mean how hard is that to use? The reality is most show no respect for others time if they aren’t getting something outta the deal.
Just think it’s a little ridiculous in a lifestyle where we preach being open and honest that we would be so careless as to possibly trigger others when we just “abandon “ them. I’m simply asking people in the kink community to work to be better, especially knowing most have found their way here through trauma. And while everyone isn’t our responsibility…
If we continue to converse etc, then with each message that responsibility does increase.
And while maybe giving some one a thanks but no thanks may sting a bit in the immediate…it’s better than leaving someone to wonder

Yeah but what does sending a "Thanks but no thanks" really achieve - surely if the sender just accepted they may not hear anything back and took it as a way of saying a polite "no thanks" (which is also laid out in the site FAQs) rather than having a false expectation of getting any kind of response it would be a positive step.
.
I rarely send unsolicited messages, but when I do, I do so with no expectation of getting a response, does it bother me if I don't get one? Not in the slightest bit, because I accept that the recipient hasn't specifically asked me to message them, and as such owe me nothing.
.
As pointed out elsewhere this whole "woe is me people aren't responding to my messages, therefore are ghosting me" thing does seem to be primarily done by men, perhaps if they learned to accept their expectations are incorrectly set, and that they aren't owed a response and instead looked at what they can do to improve their chances of getting a response they wouldn't get their panties in a bunch about it quite so often.

[De****]

1 hour ago, DaddysHere2please said:

Except the fact that this site gives you a thanks but no thanks button. I mean how hard is that to use? The reality is most show no respect for others time if they aren’t getting something outta the deal.
Just think it’s a little ridiculous in a lifestyle where we preach being open and honest that we would be so careless as to possibly trigger others when we just “abandon “ them. I’m simply asking people in the kink community to work to be better, especially knowing most have found their way here through trauma. And while everyone isn’t our responsibility…
If we continue to converse etc, then with each message that responsibility does increase.
And while maybe giving some one a thanks but no thanks may sting a bit in the immediate…it’s better than leaving someone to wonder

I disagree. I don’t owe anyone anything. My profile literally says “if you send me an unsolicited dm I will delete it without opening it.” I have zero pity for not giving a response. I owe no one my time or energy because they sent a dm.

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, DaddysHere2please said:

Except the fact that this site gives you a thanks but no thanks button. I mean how hard is that to use? The reality is most show no respect for others time if they aren’t getting something outta the deal.

Why should I have to, if I don't want to reply to an UNSOLICITED message? Why is the onus on ME? Do you reply "thanks but no thanks" to every piece of junk mail that gets deposited through your front door? If not, do you consider yourself to be disrespectful for not doing?

1 hour ago, DaddysHere2please said:

Just think it’s a little ridiculous in a lifestyle where we preach being open and honest that we would be so careless as to possibly trigger others when we just “abandon “ them.

I think that's very much part of the issue - a lot of the people here on this site are not actually community/lifestyle members, not any more. They're folk who have wandered in via the app or such thinking it's something else. See the recent thread about whether this is a hookup site, for example.

 

I truly feel that people use the term ghosting far too casually, when all that has usually happened is somebody they didn't even know has stopped replying to/opening their messages.

[Si****]

16 hours ago, 4RCH said:

Thanks for clarifying, unfortunately it’s often the case when this subject is discussed that it turns into people complaining about those who fail to reply to their initial advances.

So I see it’s as I predicted with the discussion turning to complaints about the lack of response to those unsolicited advances. 

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Yeah but what does sending a "Thanks but no thanks" really achieve - surely if the sender just accepted they may not hear anything back and took it as a way of saying a polite "no thanks" (which is also laid out in the site FAQs) rather than having a false expectation of getting any kind of response it would be a positive step.
.
I rarely send unsolicited messages, but when I do, I do so with no expectation of getting a response, does it bother me if I don't get one? Not in the slightest bit, because I accept that the recipient hasn't specifically asked me to message them, and as such owe me nothing.
.
As pointed out elsewhere this whole "woe is me people aren't responding to my messages, therefore are ghosting me" thing does seem to be primarily done by men, perhaps if they learned to accept their expectations are incorrectly set, and that they aren't owed a response and instead looked at what they can do to improve their chances of getting a response they wouldn't get their panties in a bunch about it quite so often.

I’m not speaking of initial random messages and reaching out. If you had read the entirety you’d know that’s not what I meant. I am speaking when time has been invested to get to know someone. I’m speaking when there’s enough there to make a person wonder what they did. Obviously I prefer a message that would explain, especially when it could just be the other person’s insecurities, and then a thank but no thanks if they think I’d get some kinda way!
I don’t send random messages to people with any expectations…
But I can tell you’re one of these people that’s gonna respond and try and argue a point that was never made.
My point was as a kink community, knowing many people found their way here through certain hurts, and probably have some issues…
That being kind enough to let a person know why and then wishing them luck and saying thanks but no thanks vs triggering their issues with abandon or otherwise. We should be a more caring and welcoming community…
Not just like everyone else

[Deleted Member]

15 minutes ago, DenverKitten said:

I disagree. I don’t owe anyone anything. My profile literally says “if you send me an unsolicited dm I will delete it without opening it.” I have zero pity for not giving a response. I owe no one my time or energy because they sent a dm.

If you started at the original point you would know I’m not referencing random messages, I don’t consider that ghosting.
I’m simply talking about people that have invested time to get to know someone etc!
You’re entitled to feel how you want but at least understand the point before firing back!
I wouldn’t expect a response hitting someone up outta the blue, and good for you for referencing that before..
But those messages were never what I was talking about

[Deleted Member]

15 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

I think that's very much part of the issue - a lot of the people here on this site are not actually community/lifestyle members, not any more. They're folk who have wandered in via the app or such thinking it's something else. See the recent thread about whether this is a hookup site, for example.

 

I truly feel that people use the term ghosting far too casually, when all that has usually happened is somebody they didn't even know has stopped replying to/opening their messages.

Obviously that’s what’s happening since people are getting all up in arms when I’m not talking about initial or a first few messages but when there has begun to be some kind of connection, chatting daily etc

[Deleted Member]

37 minutes ago, kennyw803 said:

Well was the girl married that ghosted you? What was her situation? Maybe she lost her phone ? I or broken phone ? Or whatever they may been using.

I’m not referring to any particular instance for me, I’m simply saying as a kink community we can do better when we have spend time and effort to chat, get to
Know etc

[Be****]

Been ghosted plenty after having some good chats with people, also made some great lasting friendships. They do it for all sorts of reasons, it could be us or it could be a change in desires for them. It's all absolutely cool with us, nobody owes us anything.

[Al****]

Sometimes it’s hard to say to someone
“I don’t want to be with you or talk to you anymore”.
Especially when nothing will make you change your mind. I wouldn’t want to have to answer questions about it. Or see the *** it causes.

[Be****]

Ghosting is a serious issue. Due to the barrier "human machine interface" everyone has a probability to ghost. People just cut their interface with you without even saying goodbye. Which cannot be done in real life. This situation, as the author stated, is like epidemic (a disease , a disease in behavior), and as i see, generations that have grown with smartphones are extremely susceptible to it.

[sm****]

The sad thing is this is the internet and people can be quite superficial and it's far to easy to hide behind a computer screen. 

You get a few types, the ones where it's just a few messages back and forth and no real click or expectations of meeting up on one side

The ones where it turns into a penpal messages back and forth, and your left hanging waiting for a reply and after a few days/weeks.

You also get mixed messages, like some people think it's pushy to keep asking "why no reply" and stop responding or think it comes across as desperation thinking you should get a reply.  You will get the ones who are actually VERY pushy and puts people off and they back off the only way they know by refusing to answer or make contact.  Yes we do get the VERY pushy types that send creepy vibes and red flags.

The fakes who get a kick out of using someone emotionally.

The fakes and we can't forget the nervous newbies who can and do get scared off and respond in the only way they know by not communicating or just deleting their profile.

But the real killer is, when you do talk about meet ups or actually do meet up then one party thinks it's not for them or just wants a one time fling, yes it sadly happens all to often.

 

It is disrespectful, annoying and extremely hurtful, the scene is worldwide and even in our own countries, it's far to easy to hide the consequences of ghosting with distance.  Its cowardly but a sign of the modern times and the transient nature the scene seems to have become due to technology.

It will sadly happen to us all or has happened, even to me the longer we stay in this realm.

I learned the hard way not to emotionally engage until both parties get that vibe over time that this might work.

 

So how do we prevent this happening to often?

We do need to make this type of behaviour socially unacceptable, maybe by keep plugging on forums and chat, how frowned on and how it reflects on someone's character.  Not sure how we actually go about this, in a civilised manner. 

[AKA_Copper]

4 hours ago, sardonicus87 said:

I'd also like to point out, the people who have a problem with being ghosted are overwhelmingly male. At least, based on those that are responding.
.
It's also telling that many women have also mentioned that more often than not, people can't take "no' for an answer.
.
Do they know that you won't be a jerk if they say no or that they're done without giving you a chance? No, they don't. However, if 7/10 people in a group do respond with hostility, then statistically, you could be a jerk. Why would they take a 1 in 10 or whatever chance that you won't be an asshole? I wouldn't.
.
Guys, we have to do better as a whole. And yes, I do know women can be abusive too, but come on, the situation here is pretty clear with online stuff: way too many fragile men. I understand frustration, I have NEVER gotten a date from OLD of any kind in over 15 years of using it (anyone I ever dated, I met in person). Literally never met anyone ever, rarely had messages returned, no matches, etc from OLD. Even I get on here, use points for premium, the only people who have spanked my profile are men/couples who can't read, and women who were banned for violating the rules (scammers, spammers, fakes, etc). So, not even one match from any real women. But, I also live in a very rural area in the Bible Belt.
.
It's frustrating as hell, but it's our fault women refuse to use online stuff to the point that men on any given site outnumber women so much, among any other problems you read about with OLD.
.
The writing is pretty much on the wall with this one. Suck it up, buttercup. We live in a world of violent and abusive f***bois. You're just going to have to be more understanding and stop being so desperate and pinning all your hopes on other people.
.
If "a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch", what happens when over half the apples are bad? Exactly.

Hallelujah

[AKA_Copper]

5 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Being honest I think most reasonable people can tell the difference between ghosting and conversations ending naturally.
.
In fact I'd venture that the majority of the time even from those claiming "ghosting" it's just that, or as my second point suggested people becoming too invested and reading more into idle chit chat than there actually is.

Apologies that I 'ghosted' you when I didn't reply to the emoji you sent me a few weeks back 🙄😉

[AKA_Copper]

8 hours ago, DaddysHere2please said:

It’s not dishonest , but what it can do is play into people’s triggers. Many have abandonment issues etc. so while you may not “owe” people anything in your opinion it’s a disagreement based on time and principle, if you have spent their time getting to know you/themetc then I’d say it’s not that difficult to go ahead and maybe let them know why, then use the thanks but no thanks button provided here. This way at least people will understand maybe things they need to work on that they don’t recognize. The constant just walking out and leaving people wondering plays into their ***s, self esteem etc. and I’m sorry but if you have spent weeks/months leading someone on just to drop them off that’s a you problem. And again some people are runners, and that’s okay, but an explanation that it wasn’t them could be very helpful to their mental health moving forward.
And the original point is in this community we should actively seek to be different and set ourselves apart from the norm

Other people's mental health or abandonment issues are of no concerns to me. That sounds harsh but it's absolutely the truth or the matter.
I have my own things to work on and my own family/friends colleagues that I support in a way that helps them grow as individuals/ensured that their needs are met. I'm sorry that not everyone has their own support network to assist them with that but it's not my job to do that for everyone. Adults have their own responsibility/accountability to work on themselves having identified their flaws themselves. Stop asking or relying on others/relative strangers to do that for you. We do not need the additional emotional labour.
It has nothing to do with the BDSM 'community' when most here aren't in the real life community. It's widespread across all OLD sites. But it's also not solely on OLD sites it's across society.
Take responsibility for your own actions, your own wellbeing, do the self reflection, work on yourselves and grow as an individual. Maybe, having done that, people wouldn't be 'ghosted' as frequently as they're claiming.