Ghosting - Let’s be Open and Honest Instead

[ey****]

5 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

'm sure there are plenty of people who've been in my inbox who would claim I've "ghosted" them just because the conversation came to a halt because they send messages that are statements with nowhere for me to go with them or I would have been willing to talk to again or continue to talk to them but I'm not going to be the one to do the work to keep things going when they're the one's who initiated and aren't putting in equal effort.  It's exhausting. 

I feel this is a really big thing.  

And also kinda - some of this does need a little self awareness (ha) but it's potentially worth some folk going through messages where they feel they were ghosted to see what changed.

Like, if the message is unread and/or the person hasn't been online in weeks - then there is a loose answer that either something changed in personal life, or perhaps there's been some reason they're not visiting the site. (my life priorities have changed, so I'm not on here as often) 

If the last message was a statement then this is pushing the need to carry a conversation onto the other person and there's a lot of reasons they might not do this.  It can be a form of labour. It can also be that.... actually... this is hard for both people and they might not know how to respond to a dead end.  And if this is early days, they're not invested in the conversation and - well - there's some folk I chat on and off with all the time and one or both of us will often leave at a dead end and resume when one of us wants to.

And if it IS a question.  Is the question the whole small talk hell... again... is it intrusive? is it something that needs more than a one line answer and they don't now have time for a one line reply.  

and if the conversation WAS going well - there is more value in giving it a prod ("Hey I was thinking about you... not heard from you in a while... hope all is OK... etc") then just moaning you were ghosted cos there's a million reasons why the conversation stalled that you can kick start.

(and incidentally, there is someone I used to talk to a lot who disappeared one day, and she did briefly reappear and had had a lot going on, she was very nervy about coming back after leaving conversations in the air - but I was glad to see her back. Alas, she has gone again - but the same still applies if she ever returned I'd love to chat with her again - even if it might feel to her "can I pick this back up after x time" )

[Th****]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I feel this is a really big thing.  

And also kinda - some of this does need a little self awareness (ha) but it's potentially worth some folk going through messages where they feel they were ghosted to see what changed.

Like, if the message is unread and/or the person hasn't been online in weeks - then there is a loose answer that either something changed in personal life, or perhaps there's been some reason they're not visiting the site. (my life priorities have changed, so I'm not on here as often) 

If the last message was a statement then this is pushing the need to carry a conversation onto the other person and there's a lot of reasons they might not do this.  It can be a form of labour. It can also be that.... actually... this is hard for both people and they might not know how to respond to a dead end.  And if this is early days, they're not invested in the conversation and - well - there's some folk I chat on and off with all the time and one or both of us will often leave at a dead end and resume when one of us wants to.

And if it IS a question.  Is the question the whole small talk hell... again... is it intrusive? is it something that needs more than a one line answer and they don't now have time for a one line reply.  

and if the conversation WAS going well - there is more value in giving it a prod ("Hey I was thinking about you... not heard from you in a while... hope all is OK... etc") then just moaning you were ghosted cos there's a million reasons why the conversation stalled that you can kick start.

(and incidentally, there is someone I used to talk to a lot who disappeared one day, and she did briefly reappear and had had a lot going on, she was very nervy about coming back after leaving conversations in the air - but I was glad to see her back. Alas, she has gone again - but the same still applies if she ever returned I'd love to chat with her again - even if it might feel to her "can I pick this back up after x time" )

All of that, yes yes. 

Just had a thought too... it could be good for people to maybe go ahead and send a low pressure message if you think nits a situation where the other person may have just taken a break or something and you both might be feeling awkward about the time lapse. Something like "I enjoyed chatting with you, I'm still around if you ever want to chat again" sort of thing to perhaps ease some of that. It's a simple offer and reassurance, not a demand or request. 

I personally have a lot going on in my life right now and have taken breaks from the site  anywhere from a few days to even a few weeks. 

[kok1069]

10 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

So much of this.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who've been in my inbox who would claim I've "ghosted" them just because the conversation came to a halt because they send messages that are statements with nowhere for me to go with them or I would have been willing to talk to again or continue to talk to them but I'm not going to be the one to do the work to keep things going when they're the one's who initiated and aren't putting in equal effort.  It's exhausting. 

No I mean she leaves mid conversation for days at a time all while she is active. I've tried blowing it off changing subjects even sent a additional messages to say like hey I sent you something did you see it. I'm not the person to sit and spam text when I engage again it's days later and still nothing. I don't exist until she wants me to and when I do exist she is "crazy" about me. I don't think she's being completely or maybe she doesn't even know, but I'm pretty much done making all of the advances and I'm not sure if I want anything to do with her. I've been through too much emotional damage in my marriage to pursue something like this. I was just curious as to if this is also like a new norm. I was monogamously married for 7 years and everything seems extremely different.

[wi****]

Gaslighting is becoming a big issue also

[Mi****]

i love that 🥰

[YorkshireBiker]

22 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Feel free to head over to the Online Munch forum and see this evenings comments on the OP title 'I love giving head for hours'
Whilst it isn't related to ghosting, it is relevant to giving people learning opportunities and how that is received in the OLD world. It might be enlightening to some

Yeah….i see that now. 

[CopperKnob]

23 hours ago, kok1069 said:

No I mean she leaves mid conversation for days at a time all while she is active. I've tried blowing it off changing subjects even sent a additional messages to say like hey I sent you something did you see it. I'm not the person to sit and spam text when I engage again it's days later and still nothing. I don't exist until she wants me to and when I do exist she is "crazy" about me. I don't think she's being completely or maybe she doesn't even know, but I'm pretty much done making all of the advances and I'm not sure if I want anything to do with her. I've been through too much emotional damage in my marriage to pursue something like this. I was just curious as to if this is also like a new norm. I was monogamously married for 7 years and everything seems extremely different.

If she's on the Web page and doesn't log out/close the tab, she'll show as being online even if she isn't

[kok1069]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

If she's on the Web page and doesn't log out/close the tab, she'll show as being online even if she isn't

No, it's not that. Different site. I think she is just stringing me along as a backup. I read something the other day that said words without action is manipulation, which makes sense because, unfortunately, that's just what I'm used to. Either way, I'm just gonna let it go. If she comes around, she comes around, but I'm going to try not to invest anymore of myself into it. Thank you for your response.

[CopperKnob]

15 minutes ago, kok1069 said:

No, it's not that. Different site. I think she is just stringing me along as a backup. I read something the other day that said words without action is manipulation, which makes sense because, unfortunately, that's just what I'm used to. Either way, I'm just gonna let it go. If she comes around, she comes around, but I'm going to try not to invest anymore of myself into it. Thank you for your response.

It sounds like you're allowing the one sentence you've read to feed in to your own insecurities. Talking the talk but not walking the walk may be manipulation. It can also be executive dysfunction alongside a whole host of other reasons.

[kok1069]

51 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

It sounds like you're allowing the one sentence you've read to feed in to your own insecurities. Talking the talk but not walking the walk may be manipulation. It can also be executive dysfunction alongside a whole host of other reasons.

I'm sorry you are on a higher level of thinking than I am. I didn't understand all of what you said. It most likely is my insecurities, though. All I can do is take it as it comes and adjust. I hope whatever is going on with her, she is ok, even if I'm not.

[ey****]

3 hours ago, kok1069 said:

No, it's not that. Different site. I think she is just stringing me along as a backup

if this is the case and you're unhappy with the situation - you can end the conversation

[kok1069]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

if this is the case and you're unhappy with the situation - you can end the conversation

I'm not sure how I feel about any of it, honestly. It's like my life is one big hurricane at the moment. I appreciate everyone's responses.

[YorkshireBiker]

1 hour ago, kok1069 said:

I'm not sure how I feel about any of it, honestly. It's like my life is one big hurricane at the moment. I appreciate everyone's responses.

Just be mindful of people trying to take advantage of your current situation. I hope you can find someone to bring you some happiness. 

[ey****]

2 hours ago, kok1069 said:

I'm not sure how I feel about any of it, honestly. It's like my life is one big hurricane at the moment. I appreciate everyone's responses.

maybe this is helpful, maybe it's not.

But

if someone is replying sporadically (even if you know they've been on line) and is sometimes a bit cold and sometimes overly excitable there are multiple explanations

one is - that, yes, you're being treat as an option and she's trying to keep you on the line

but 

two is - they are interested, but also have other things in life and that being online doesn't mean someone is available and she wants to be in a good headspace to reply to you most of the time  

[Shilo66]

Re Ghosting - Let’s be Open and Honest Instead - What are your thoughts?

My tuppence worth on this subject...It’s a good subject to bring up and address.

My thoughts, aimed mainly at the guys here, are  that too many of you are either  too “nice”, “too soft” or too inexperienced, or all three, hence why when you get ghosted, it hits really hard.

READ ALL OF THE FOLLOWING, it will explain the above statement.   

I know it sounds harsh, but the reality of the situation on here and other similar sites is that the ladies are outnumbered by us men something in the  region of  30 men to every one woman. So for them, it’s like they’re in a sweets shop and can pick more or less whoever they like.... But, ironically, given all that choice at their disposal, most will initially pick a F*** Boi, get turned over by him, then come back to the site complaining how all men are  Bar Stewards, or moan why is it that they always seem to attract the wrong ones... conveniently forgetting of course, that THEY picked that wrong one  in the first place!... but that’s a subject for another time.

So, back to the topic in hand.... These are my thoughts, others will invariably disagree.   

If you’re  pursuing an actual IRL dynamic / relationship, and a woman tells you that she needs more time to get to know you, that’s code for ‘I’m enjoying the attention I’m getting from you, but I’m not really that  interested in you, so, I’ll string you along until I can engage with someone else who I consider to be  better’. And when I do, you’re history.

On here, if you’ve started to keyboard chat with her, then by the end of two weeks you should be video chatting, or at least audio chatting... assuming that you’re both in the same country and communications aren’t an issue. If you’re not video / audio chatting by then, walk away.

If you’ve started to video chat and you haven’t arranged to meet up, by say two weeks later after you’ve started  video chatting,  then walk away.

If you meet up and afterwards, she stops chatting, texting or calling. Don’t cause any drama, don’t go chasing for a reason why, because you won’t get it. Just walk away

In short, grow a backbone and walk away if you sense that you’re being strung along. We all know when we are, and it doesn’t matter how lovely you think she is, follow your gut instincts and if they start tingling like Spiderman’s Spidey Senses, then walk away.

You see, the thing about F*** Bois, hot looking guys, and older, been around and experienced guys, none of us are afraid of walking away when we sense something is off. We’ll not put up with their BS. We simply up sticks,  move on to someone else  and get on with our lives.

Now, if she doesn’t want to commit to the above time frames, THAT’S HER RIGHT TO NOT DO SO, but remember, you don’t have to go along with her time frame either. Obviously, you can negotiate how much longer you’re both prepared to chat for, but don’t let it be too much longer. If she says that she feels pressured, then end things and be strong enough to walk away and move on to someone who IS ready .

The problem is, most of you won’t, you’ll simply follow her timeline, get strung along until she gets bored or uninterested with you.... and then, she'll “Ghost you”.

You have to be mindful that a lot of  people on here,  are only here  for the attention they couldn’t otherwise get in the Vanilla world. The attention feeds their egos and they don’t really care whose feelings they have to trample over to get that rush.... it's akin to Catfishing.

You’ll usually find that the woman who says “she needs more time” is either not genuine - see above - or dated the previously mentioned said F*** Boi earlier in her BDSM journey - usually, they were warned by someone about said F*** Boi beforehand, but girls will be girls, and they decided to ignore the warnings and Red Flags and go ahead anyway, believing that they could be the one to change him - but they were WRONG - and ended up becoming mentally f***ed up because of him.

So now, to her, all guys are the same or have the potential to be the F*** Boi she once dated. To her, all men are now guilty until they can prove themselves innocent. These women have BIG issues, avoid them like the plague if you can. They will passively aggressively take out their revenge, or do the things they wished they could have done to him, on YOU. Hence the Ghosting.

Usually though, before that, they'll spill their guts to you about all their unresolved trauma issues and insecurities, thus requiring lots of reassurances from you, which you'll dutifully give because you're a "nice" guy, thinking that it will bring the two of you closer, it won't. It's just a way for her to get stuff off her chest, so to speak. You will still, ultimately, get ghosted.... read the forums, there is a pattern. 

To further prove my point, this site is littered with posts on these forums where a guy has been chatting for weeks or months on end with a lady, only to have her ghost him in the end, or pull out of a date at the last minute. Again, it’s entirely her right to do so, but there are measures you can take to reduce this happening to you, as has previously been mentioned, use your Spidey Senses and have the courage to walk away.

I hope the above musings actually helps some of you, but I think, I've more than likely traumatised you instead.... anyway, again, just my tuppence worth on this subject.   

 

 

 

Edited February 15 by Shilo66

[Sa****]

I feel like for some of us, particularly women, ghosting is a safe alternative to potentially unsafe situations.

[ey****]

10 hours ago, Shilo66 said:

Just walk away

by irony

while it is completely right for a man (or anyone) to end a conversation they feel they're getting strung along in, is going nowhere so on... because it is.

when they walk away, by design they're also "ghosting" 

[Shilo66]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

by irony

while it is completely right for a man (or anyone) to end a conversation they feel they're getting strung along in, is going nowhere so on... because it is.

when they walk away, by design they're also "ghosting" 

Absolutely. 

You see, to me, Ghosting is just another part of modern-day dating life reality. 

As several people on this thread have already mentioned, there are quite a few good reasons why you'd feel the need to Ghost someone... you've mentioned a few here yourself. 

I'm not ashamed to admit that I have ghosted people myself on occasion. I try not to, but, there are instances when you're left with little choice but to do so... again, for the reasons some people have already mentioned. And for the record, I've experienced ghosting myself, but like I've said above, it's just a part of the modern world of dating. You put on your big boy pants and move on. 

And, when you do Ghost someone, the last thing you want to do is to explain why. Obviously, giving them a reason is the right thing to do, and, it will help them with closure and to improve themselves for the next person they meet, etc, etc, etc.... but, in reality, the last thing you want to do as the person doing the ghosting, is to have further discussions or anything more to do with them, so in reality, it ain't going to happen. 

It is, what it is, in this modern world.

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 16 by Shilo66

[Ar****]

13 hours ago, Shilo66 said:

Re Ghosting - Let’s be Open and Honest Instead - What are your thoughts?

My tuppence worth on this subject...It’s a good subject to bring up and address.

My thoughts, aimed mainly at the guys here, are  that too many of you are either  too “nice”, “too soft” or too inexperienced, or all three, hence why when you get ghosted, it hits really hard.

READ ALL OF THE FOLLOWING, it will explain the above statement.   

I know it sounds harsh, but the reality of the situation on here and other similar sites is that the ladies are outnumbered by us men something in the  region of  30 men to every one woman. So for them, it’s like they’re in a sweets shop and can pick more or less whoever they like.... But, ironically, given all that choice at their disposal, most will initially pick a F*** Boi, get turned over by him, then come back to the site complaining how all men are  Bar Stewards, or moan why is it that they always seem to attract the wrong ones... conveniently forgetting of course, that THEY picked that wrong one  in the first place!... but that’s a subject for another time.

So, back to the topic in hand.... These are my thoughts, others will invariably disagree.   

If you’re  pursuing an actual IRL dynamic / relationship, and a woman tells you that she needs more time to get to know you, that’s code for ‘I’m enjoying the attention I’m getting from you, but I’m not really that  interested in you, so, I’ll string you along until I can engage with someone else who I consider to be  better’. And when I do, you’re history.

On here, if you’ve started to keyboard chat with her, then by the end of two weeks you should be video chatting, or at least audio chatting... assuming that you’re both in the same country and communications aren’t an issue. If you’re not video / audio chatting by then, walk away.

If you’ve started to video chat and you haven’t arranged to meet up, by say two weeks later after you’ve started  video chatting,  then walk away.

If you meet up and afterwards, she stops chatting, texting or calling. Don’t cause any drama, don’t go chasing for a reason why, because you won’t get it. Just walk away

In short, grow a backbone and walk away if you sense that you’re being strung along. We all know when we are, and it doesn’t matter how lovely you think she is, follow your gut instincts and if they start tingling like Spiderman’s Spidey Senses, then walk away.

You see, the thing about F*** Bois, hot looking guys, and older, been around and experienced guys, none of us are afraid of walking away when we sense something is off. We’ll not put up with their BS. We simply up sticks,  move on to someone else  and get on with our lives.

Now, if she doesn’t want to commit to the above time frames, THAT’S HER RIGHT TO NOT DO SO, but remember, you don’t have to go along with her time frame either. Obviously, you can negotiate how much longer you’re both prepared to chat for, but don’t let it be too much longer. If she says that she feels pressured, then end things and be strong enough to walk away and move on to someone who IS ready .

The problem is, most of you won’t, you’ll simply follow her timeline, get strung along until she gets bored or uninterested with you.... and then, she'll “Ghost you”.

You have to be mindful that a lot of  people on here,  are only here  for the attention they couldn’t otherwise get in the Vanilla world. The attention feeds their egos and they don’t really care whose feelings they have to trample over to get that rush.... it's akin to Catfishing.

You’ll usually find that the woman who says “she needs more time” is either not genuine - see above - or dated the previously mentioned said F*** Boi earlier in her BDSM journey - usually, they were warned by someone about said F*** Boi beforehand, but girls will be girls, and they decided to ignore the warnings and Red Flags and go ahead anyway, believing that they could be the one to change him - but they were WRONG - and ended up becoming mentally f***ed up because of him.

So now, to her, all guys are the same or have the potential to be the F*** Boi she once dated. To her, all men are now guilty until they can prove themselves innocent. These women have BIG issues, avoid them like the plague if you can. They will passively aggressively take out their revenge, or do the things they wished they could have done to him, on YOU. Hence the Ghosting.

Usually though, before that, they'll spill their guts to you about all their unresolved trauma issues and insecurities, thus requiring lots of reassurances from you, which you'll dutifully give because you're a "nice" guy, thinking that it will bring the two of you closer, it won't. It's just a way for her to get stuff off her chest, so to speak. You will still, ultimately, get ghosted.... read the forums, there is a pattern. 

To further prove my point, this site is littered with posts on these forums where a guy has been chatting for weeks or months on end with a lady, only to have her ghost him in the end, or pull out of a date at the last minute. Again, it’s entirely her right to do so, but there are measures you can take to reduce this happening to you, as has previously been mentioned, use your Spidey Senses and have the courage to walk away.

I hope the above musings actually helps some of you, but I think, I've more than likely traumatised you instead.... anyway, again, just my tuppence worth on this subject. 

And for the inexperienced etc men who might be reading this and buying into it, I'd like to offer another perspective/option.

Don't. It's toxic AF. You can be better than that, and when you are, you'll be seen for that.

Absolutely don't chase. Have some self-respect and stop being so thirsty, for those who do and are.

But have compassion and empathy. Recognise that people DO need time before they share/open up. This is not a fast food service joint and a lot of the people (women, in this instance) you'll be messaging are not here for a quick fix. Pressuring to shift the dynamics of communication - to voice calls, to video calls, to another messaging platform - should be a red flag to anyone; or demonstrates that you cannot respect boundaries, and in this community in particular boundaries are essential. Because if you can't respect that a potential partner isn't ready to videocall with you yet, what on earth would make them think you're going to respect a safeword or "no" in the heat of passion when your hand is around their throat?

You can decide two weeks is an acceptable limit before walking away and if that's what works for you then nobody is going to denigrate it, but you'll miss out on so much potential if you don't step back and have some objectivity. Two weeks where you exchange one message every three days looks very different to two weeks where you have three or four full-blown text chats per day and there is so much range inbetween those two examples. Don't shoot yourself in the foot. Show consideration and understanding, without being a mug. Find the balance.

Because when you project and assume the worst from everyone who doesn't fall within a certain rule set, it often isn't you who dodges a bullet when you walk away. It's them.

[Th****]

14 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

two is - they are interested, but also have other things in life and that being online doesn't mean someone is available and she wants to be in a good headspace to reply to you most of the time  

This is very often the case for me. I might have the bandwidth to be logged in and simply scroll and read but not participate at all in either messaging or the forums. 

Sometimes I log in to scroll, read and *ONLY* participate in the forums and/or catch up with my platonic friends here. *YES* many of us here on this site use it for things other than focusing on partner finding and flirting and actually have made purely platonic connections and friendships here. 

A huge thing that can help is *actually using our words and having a clear and direct adult conversation* but doing so with nonviolent communication techniques. 

I've actually been experiencing this to a degree in relation to this comment 👇

On 2/14/2024 at 7:21 AM, kok1069 said:

No I mean she leaves mid conversation for days at a time all while she is active. I've tried blowing it off changing subjects even sent a additional messages to say like hey I sent you something did you see it. I'm not the person to sit and spam text when I engage again it's days later and still nothing. I don't exist until she wants me to and when I do exist she is "crazy" about me. I don't think she's being completely or maybe she doesn't even know, but I'm pretty much done making all of the advances and I'm not sure if I want anything to do with her. I've been through too much emotional damage in my marriage to pursue something like this. I was just curious as to if this is also like a new norm. I was monogamously married for 7 years and everything seems extremely different.

I've wanted to respond to this 👆 but simply haven't had the mental bandwidth to give it the thought and consideration that I want to, so I haven't yet. 

 

*Apologies if any of that was a bit redundant or nonsensical. It's been a rough week and I need more coffee ☕️☕️

[Shilo66]

2 hours ago, Aranhis said:

And for the inexperienced etc men who might be reading this and buying into it, I'd like to offer another perspective/option.

Don't. It's toxic AF. You can be better than that, and when you are, you'll be seen for that.

Absolutely don't chase. Have some self-respect and stop being so thirsty, for those who do and are.

But have compassion and empathy. Recognise that people DO need time before they share/open up. This is not a fast food service joint and a lot of the people (women, in this instance) you'll be messaging are not here for a quick fix. Pressuring to shift the dynamics of communication - to voice calls, to video calls, to another messaging platform - should be a red flag to anyone; or demonstrates that you cannot respect boundaries, and in this community in particular boundaries are essential. Because if you can't respect that a potential partner isn't ready to videocall with you yet, what on earth would make them think you're going to respect a safeword or "no" in the heat of passion when your hand is around their throat?

You can decide two weeks is an acceptable limit before walking away and if that's what works for you then nobody is going to denigrate it, but you'll miss out on so much potential if you don't step back and have some objectivity. Two weeks where you exchange one message every three days looks very different to two weeks where you have three or four full-blown text chats per day and there is so much range inbetween those two examples. Don't shoot yourself in the foot. Show consideration and understanding, without being a mug. Find the balance.

Because when you project and assume the worst from everyone who doesn't fall within a certain rule set, it often isn't you who dodges a bullet when you walk away. It's them.

LOL... way to go to twist a message. 

Nothing toxic here, just the cold hard facts. If it's okay for her to ghost, then it's okay for him to too. You can't justify ghosting for one group but deny it for another group on a site like this.

I've made it perfectly clear in my message, several times, that if she wants to walk away anytime, then she's perfectly entitled to, but if you, the guy, sense that something is off, then you too are equally within your rights to walk away too. And like her, you don't need to give any excuses. 

I'm simply saying to the softer guys, not to ignore their gut instincts when they sense they're being played, because they'll usually be right. The tougher guys don't ignore their Spidey Senses and that's why we don't get ghosted as much, because we'll pull away when something's not right.

Too many guys on here have ended up being the victims of ghosting because they've fought against their better instincts and judgements. 

As I've mentioned in my previous message, there are way too many people here who are just here for the attention they couldn't otherwise get in the Vanilla world, so why feed their egos, follow your gut instincts and deny them their ego food for the day. 

Everyone agrees and say to women that if they're not feeling it, or it feels unsafe for them, then just walk away, so why is it any different to give the guys the same advice???

 

Edited February 16 by Shilo66

[kok1069]

3 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

I've wanted to respond to this 👆 but simply haven't had the mental bandwidth to give it the thought and consideration that I want to, so I haven't yet. 

 

*Apologies if any of that was a bit redundant or nonsensical. It's been a rough week and I need more coffee ☕️☕️

Take your time, no worries here.

[CopperKnob]

18 hours ago, Shilo66 said:

Re Ghosting - Let’s be Open and Honest Instead - What are your thoughts?

My tuppence worth on this subject...It’s a good subject to bring up and address.

My thoughts, aimed mainly at the guys here, are  that too many of you are either  too “nice”, “too soft” or too inexperienced, or all three, hence why when you get ghosted, it hits really hard.

READ ALL OF THE FOLLOWING, it will explain the above statement.   

I know it sounds harsh, but the reality of the situation on here and other similar sites is that the ladies are outnumbered by us men something in the  region of  30 men to every one woman. So for them, it’s like they’re in a sweets shop and can pick more or less whoever they like.... But, ironically, given all that choice at their disposal, most will initially pick a F*** Boi, get turned over by him, then come back to the site complaining how all men are  Bar Stewards, or moan why is it that they always seem to attract the wrong ones... conveniently forgetting of course, that THEY picked that wrong one  in the first place!... but that’s a subject for another time.

So, back to the topic in hand.... These are my thoughts, others will invariably disagree.   

If you’re  pursuing an actual IRL dynamic / relationship, and a woman tells you that she needs more time to get to know you, that’s code for ‘I’m enjoying the attention I’m getting from you, but I’m not really that  interested in you, so, I’ll string you along until I can engage with someone else who I consider to be  better’. And when I do, you’re history.

On here, if you’ve started to keyboard chat with her, then by the end of two weeks you should be video chatting, or at least audio chatting... assuming that you’re both in the same country and communications aren’t an issue. If you’re not video / audio chatting by then, walk away.

If you’ve started to video chat and you haven’t arranged to meet up, by say two weeks later after you’ve started  video chatting,  then walk away.

If you meet up and afterwards, she stops chatting, texting or calling. Don’t cause any drama, don’t go chasing for a reason why, because you won’t get it. Just walk away

In short, grow a backbone and walk away if you sense that you’re being strung along. We all know when we are, and it doesn’t matter how lovely you think she is, follow your gut instincts and if they start tingling like Spiderman’s Spidey Senses, then walk away.

You see, the thing about F*** Bois, hot looking guys, and older, been around and experienced guys, none of us are afraid of walking away when we sense something is off. We’ll not put up with their BS. We simply up sticks,  move on to someone else  and get on with our lives.

Now, if she doesn’t want to commit to the above time frames, THAT’S HER RIGHT TO NOT DO SO, but remember, you don’t have to go along with her time frame either. Obviously, you can negotiate how much longer you’re both prepared to chat for, but don’t let it be too much longer. If she says that she feels pressured, then end things and be strong enough to walk away and move on to someone who IS ready .

The problem is, most of you won’t, you’ll simply follow her timeline, get strung along until she gets bored or uninterested with you.... and then, she'll “Ghost you”.

You have to be mindful that a lot of  people on here,  are only here  for the attention they couldn’t otherwise get in the Vanilla world. The attention feeds their egos and they don’t really care whose feelings they have to trample over to get that rush.... it's akin to Catfishing.

You’ll usually find that the woman who says “she needs more time” is either not genuine - see above - or dated the previously mentioned said F*** Boi earlier in her BDSM journey - usually, they were warned by someone about said F*** Boi beforehand, but girls will be girls, and they decided to ignore the warnings and Red Flags and go ahead anyway, believing that they could be the one to change him - but they were WRONG - and ended up becoming mentally f***ed up because of him.

So now, to her, all guys are the same or have the potential to be the F*** Boi she once dated. To her, all men are now guilty until they can prove themselves innocent. These women have BIG issues, avoid them like the plague if you can. They will passively aggressively take out their revenge, or do the things they wished they could have done to him, on YOU. Hence the Ghosting.

Usually though, before that, they'll spill their guts to you about all their unresolved trauma issues and insecurities, thus requiring lots of reassurances from you, which you'll dutifully give because you're a "nice" guy, thinking that it will bring the two of you closer, it won't. It's just a way for her to get stuff off her chest, so to speak. You will still, ultimately, get ghosted.... read the forums, there is a pattern. 

To further prove my point, this site is littered with posts on these forums where a guy has been chatting for weeks or months on end with a lady, only to have her ghost him in the end, or pull out of a date at the last minute. Again, it’s entirely her right to do so, but there are measures you can take to reduce this happening to you, as has previously been mentioned, use your Spidey Senses and have the courage to walk away.

I hope the above musings actually helps some of you, but I think, I've more than likely traumatised you instead.... anyway, again, just my tuppence worth on this subject.   

 

 

 

I'll raise you your sweet shop and give you a muck heap.
.
When people start acting like decent human beings, with understanding and empathy towards others and stop game playing like this or, assuming ulterior intentions OLD will be better for all.
.
Take people at face value. Find the balance between feeling that you're being mugged off/strung along and being empathetic towards other people's own circumstances.

[Be****]

@shilo66 you have some right points however you also mention some points with different reasons in my perspective.

As my experience, voice chat or video chat is not a criteria. I just chatted with someone, and the person never ghosted me i traveled to another continent and country to meet. We met we spent time . After that, she also never ghosted me even though we only spent a couple days together.

About women having fboi selection you have realised certain points but the issue is not fboi situation only. The situation is in my perspective "all men are same" problem; i sort of the***utically spoken with a certain amount of women. What i realised was that each woman has their own selection/filtering criteria. Thus, they end up due to their filtering selection with the same type of men as result they think all men are the same because they did not choose other types.

When it comes to" too many men for each woman" issue about this is correct. In many societies at the world, there are more man than women so they just cut the communication and look for other men or another upgrade men if they already have one. But ghosting is not limited to women. Men also doing ghosting and its reason is not imbalance about women/men pool and it is also not about sex either . In my perspective, this issue is about people's culture level , integrity ,character, and about their self and environmental respect.

I saw it from first hand many times that peoples behavior over the internet, due to the ability to disconnect,is far different than real life. Because you can not disconnect from real life :>

[Th****]

21 hours ago, Shilo66 said:

Re Ghosting - Let’s be Open and Honest Instead - What are your thoughts?

My tuppence worth on this subject...It’s a good subject to bring up and address.

My thoughts, aimed mainly at the guys here, are  that too many of you are either  too “nice”, “too soft” or too inexperienced, or all three, hence why when you get ghosted, it hits really hard.

READ ALL OF THE FOLLOWING, it will explain the above statement.   

I know it sounds harsh, but the reality of the situation on here and other similar sites is that the ladies are outnumbered by us men something in the  region of  30 men to every one woman. So for them, it’s like they’re in a sweets shop and can pick more or less whoever they like.... But, ironically, given all that choice at their disposal, most will initially pick a F*** Boi, get turned over by him, then come back to the site complaining how all men are  Bar Stewards, or moan why is it that they always seem to attract the wrong ones... conveniently forgetting of course, that THEY picked that wrong one  in the first place!... but that’s a subject for another time.

So, back to the topic in hand.... These are my thoughts, others will invariably disagree.   

If you’re  pursuing an actual IRL dynamic / relationship, and a woman tells you that she needs more time to get to know you, that’s code for ‘I’m enjoying the attention I’m getting from you, but I’m not really that  interested in you, so, I’ll string you along until I can engage with someone else who I consider to be  better’. And when I do, you’re history.

On here, if you’ve started to keyboard chat with her, then by the end of two weeks you should be video chatting, or at least audio chatting... assuming that you’re both in the same country and communications aren’t an issue. If you’re not video / audio chatting by then, walk away.

If you’ve started to video chat and you haven’t arranged to meet up, by say two weeks later after you’ve started  video chatting,  then walk away.

If you meet up and afterwards, she stops chatting, texting or calling. Don’t cause any drama, don’t go chasing for a reason why, because you won’t get it. Just walk away

In short, grow a backbone and walk away if you sense that you’re being strung along. We all know when we are, and it doesn’t matter how lovely you think she is, follow your gut instincts and if they start tingling like Spiderman’s Spidey Senses, then walk away.

You see, the thing about F*** Bois, hot looking guys, and older, been around and experienced guys, none of us are afraid of walking away when we sense something is off. We’ll not put up with their BS. We simply up sticks,  move on to someone else  and get on with our lives.

Now, if she doesn’t want to commit to the above time frames, THAT’S HER RIGHT TO NOT DO SO, but remember, you don’t have to go along with her time frame either. Obviously, you can negotiate how much longer you’re both prepared to chat for, but don’t let it be too much longer. If she says that she feels pressured, then end things and be strong enough to walk away and move on to someone who IS ready .

The problem is, most of you won’t, you’ll simply follow her timeline, get strung along until she gets bored or uninterested with you.... and then, she'll “Ghost you”.

You have to be mindful that a lot of  people on here,  are only here  for the attention they couldn’t otherwise get in the Vanilla world. The attention feeds their egos and they don’t really care whose feelings they have to trample over to get that rush.... it's akin to Catfishing.

You’ll usually find that the woman who says “she needs more time” is either not genuine - see above - or dated the previously mentioned said F*** Boi earlier in her BDSM journey - usually, they were warned by someone about said F*** Boi beforehand, but girls will be girls, and they decided to ignore the warnings and Red Flags and go ahead anyway, believing that they could be the one to change him - but they were WRONG - and ended up becoming mentally f***ed up because of him.

So now, to her, all guys are the same or have the potential to be the F*** Boi she once dated. To her, all men are now guilty until they can prove themselves innocent. These women have BIG issues, avoid them like the plague if you can. They will passively aggressively take out their revenge, or do the things they wished they could have done to him, on YOU. Hence the Ghosting.

Usually though, before that, they'll spill their guts to you about all their unresolved trauma issues and insecurities, thus requiring lots of reassurances from you, which you'll dutifully give because you're a "nice" guy, thinking that it will bring the two of you closer, it won't. It's just a way for her to get stuff off her chest, so to speak. You will still, ultimately, get ghosted.... read the forums, there is a pattern. 

To further prove my point, this site is littered with posts on these forums where a guy has been chatting for weeks or months on end with a lady, only to have her ghost him in the end, or pull out of a date at the last minute. Again, it’s entirely her right to do so, but there are measures you can take to reduce this happening to you, as has previously been mentioned, use your Spidey Senses and have the courage to walk away.

I hope the above musings actually helps some of you, but I think, I've more than likely traumatised you instead.... anyway, again, just my tuppence worth on this subject.   

 

 

 

This is some of the most toxic load of baloney I've seen in a long while not to mention victim blaming. It's not someone's fault when they've been treated poorly because they "chose" that person. The shitty person is the one fully responsible for their own behavior and how they treat people, full stop. 

Yes, men outnumber women here and similar sites and in theory women might have quantity of options, but quality is scarce which more often than not has women choosing herself, her own peace, not choosing *anyone* and continuing to wait for someone with *genuine and authentic* basic human decency. 

As @Aranhis stated above many women want to interact as much as possible online first because it's about being able to demonstrate respect for very basic boundaries and to ensure the person they're interacting with is being genuine and authentic. People who *AREN'T* can't keep up their act and manipulative tactics forever and most often eventually slip so they'll likely then cease contact because the red flags appeared and men consistently prove that it's not safe to communicate rejection. 

Women aren't "waiting for someone better to come along" they're measuring whether or not being alone is the better choice. This is what so many *actual women* consistently discuss with each other and consistently observe amongst their peers. 

The bar is on the ground here fellas. Basic human decency, respect, empathy and consent. 

 

Edited February 16 by ThaliaV